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Ruskaya Tzaritza

of

Brisbane, Queensland, Australia

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Clearly

by

Ruskaya Tzaritza

The tortures invade my soul
Fear is swallowed with pain
In a bitter casing of corruption
All is dying, every breath slowing...

Good things pass, all that matters fades
Sadly lost and beyond reach
Foundations begin to crumble, beneath the strain
Only sorrow remains in a dull existence

Longing for perfection and mistaking it for love
Exposing the inner core and blind to its seductive traps
Paralysing, destined to evoke the sharp needles
Entering the thickened walls of my heart

Like the calm of a lifeless ocean..
There are only the softest sounds echoing in the abyss
Drowning out the heavy woes of the sphere
Content to stand alone with endless time

Sunlight revealing the beauty of a superficial warmth
Slowly shadows steal every dream
One glance at death implies despair
As innocence and joy give way to grief

Remembrance slowly departs just as the sun sets
To submit to twisting anguish on bended knees
Calm judgement in merely numb trials
Hope again hope continues for love is eternal.


Tomorrows Mist

by

Ruskaya Tzaritza

Sudden, Clearing, Knowing.
The trivia of accessories beyond the scope
Of tranquil visions based on ridged plains.
Adding to the subtle field of a young girls mind,
the lives in its balance; somewhat futile.

With only life, love and hope within its hold,
I glance and browse the domains unknown.
Suddenly as before, the fog clears
And my favourite dream is waiting.
Waiting? Waiting? Only passing.

I feel the strength of his grasp encompass me,
Against my feeble struggles of despair.
To this I vow freedom for all
From the ruin of masking their flaws.
I have become too guarded and they despise it

It may seem I talk of nothing, yet I speak the words
Of many passing through tomorrows shadow.
It may appear that I rave about topics undefined.
Unrelated, completely uncharted.
Yet I make perfect sense to mine own.

Who is our intended and what is truly ours?
Puzzles remain alive and keep us alone
They are before us continually, yet we go on
Dreaming dreams and living lives
Far from what our desires demand of us.

Still there is nothing in the world
And everything for the taking
But love and innocence vanish in its path
A path of destruction that crosses the mind
In the dead of night - I weep.

The quiet of the deep, dark presence in my soul
Allows me to forget and return to myself
Savouring the last blades of pain
Slashing, ripping through me as I contemplate a life_
A life alone and without the fulfilment I long for

I breathe, yet I drown in the fears of time
My life, never the same and I cannot explain
How insanity prevails over reason; over love
That which was mine alone, could not be shared
Others won and I deny forgiveness so patiently

Though I beg for comfort, beg to quench the flame
I seldom find it and never in the arms of another
Will I ever relent this memory of his touch
As impossible as reconciling the never ending wilderness
This was once, the most beautiful devotion

Iíve been left burning and surrounded by confusion and smog
Walking in separate directions into the unfamiliar fog
Further away from the crazy and the wicked
Brilliant stars that gave the world cause to rejoice
Now, emptiness fills my heart - cooling it into oblivion

Stars loose their shine, as the purest diamond is tainted
Oceans and tears do not cleanse this sorrow
Through distant memories; slowly, methodically
Unable to cease; yet allowing the sadness to flow
In contemplation of every mistake and vice

Those understanding death's answers are saved,
For the time draws near the close of the performance
In which all the actors fade like the mist...
Found in the heart of an everlasting eternity
Fog and Clouds are the confusion of our troubles.

Can this be so? Can the world feel a savage passion
Like that of any wild animal treated to
The comforts of a rich man, as is our fate
Can I hold within my hand that which is
Forever unattainable and yet completely mine?

The answer lies within_
Within the unease of our desires, within His will
In the cover of despair and our inevitable deaths
Within the essence of tomorrow,
Tomorrowís mist...


Meant for me

by

Ruskaya Tzaritza

Without my pen, my paper for thoughts,
I have no friend to which to put my words
So now I keep inside this voiceless form
Only tears escape from time to time

Told not to worry and do what I like
Love and cherish no more - no more in my heart
In the place where death resides,
And every part still longs for the past

There are facts that our lies cannot change
Yet, we never need feel afraid
Feeling feelings that should be felt
Too cruel to explain that never be a chance

Facing the wrong thatís changed my life
Fate has played its part and though I try,
To continue, to breath and accept the truth
Let anguish depart and show a better sight

The ache to be held; to be needed again
To feel that there is hope in the bleak and empty world
Blissfully wandering and seeking the path of happiness
In the stillness I feel everything but peace

Does the jewel catch my eye and my heart that same way
In a moment of the day when I can forget
And the hurt begins to fade away
Removing everything to remove discomfort

Breathing, sighing, feeling never with a sober mind
No comfort in this empty black hole
The glimmer in my eyes has left a harsh indifference
It surrounds and suffocates me; but never allows me to die

Never to be the same in wants and pursuits
Feelings cannot conceal the truths of humanity
Calling out to keep my sanity
Life so complete, now fewer without a friend

Love with every thought, with every salty tear
Every heart beat is destroying
Only one ever wanted but is out of reach
Is there nothing in the world to replace or repair

To fight, is but to fight yourself
No one to walk beside me, to sit with and share
Like an addict without their drug
Forced to exist without and wondering if its worth going on

Learning to share is to open the heart to more pain
Never one alone to put my entire hope and deepest love
Nor will I watch my dreams pause for eternity, unused.
It mustnt have been meant for me.


The shape of my heart

by

Ruskaya Tzaritza

Strangely through bemused betrayal
Distance spirals on between us
Eternally winding through my life now shared
Revealing glances from across a room
Fleeting smiles for some forsaken soul
And there youíll be; my solemn phantom

You and I believed in stillness
With you I shared that blissful kiss
The best thing Iíve ever seen
Not just in visions of delight
Reality in our idyllic storm

I donít have to say why weíre apart
I donít want to make you sad about it
You doubt our love can survive
But itís not your turn to cry
This wound will come undone

With all and everything about to change
Is this the hope Iíve been searching for,
Concerned with honor more than truth
Some things can take over
And before you grasp; you have a wife

Donít find faults in your existence
You see it plainly at each falling night
Despair no more for loveís once lost,
I need you in this strange abyss
Iíll go further than I have before

I should have learned through all those times
Too late to show you what I want
Intentions like a childish fancy
You donít realise what this means to me
And Iím not the one I used to be

Feel me in each day we share
Everlasting passion amidst the strain
Crushing questions and doubts with faith
Slowly tearing at our hearts
Showing us a new subsistence

See me in my imperfections
And grant this long-sort union
For Iíll give you strength to last the years
Like no other you might seek
Offering devotion for all respite

No matter what you feel you own
Nor friends collected like petty charms
A room of crowded trinkets
For you, I leave my comforts
To provide everything you need

Walking in a strange direction
Toward a far off place,
When we arrive in Heaven's midst
Holding you in warm reflection
I see you in each deep embrace

In final concord we will learn
How one and one can be alike
Tragedy, sickness and plans gone wrong
I reassure you with a whisper
To calm your fears, I will stay near.

So long delayed, so far away
My love you've shut from all to see,
Pressed no-less upon my thoughts
Each scent, each smile as real as life
And it is you that shapes my heart.