The Web Poetry Corner

The Web Poetry Corner is a Dream Machine Site
The Dream Machine --- The Imagination of the World Wide Web

The Web Poetry Corner

Katherine Tildes

of

Athens, OH, US

Home Authors Alphabetically Authors Date Submitted Authors Country Submission Rules Feedback

If you have comments or suggestions for Katherine Tildes, you can contact this author at:
spykat56@hotmail.com (Katherine Tildes)

Find a book store near you, no matter where you are located in the U.S.A.!

...the best independent ISP in the Twin Cities

Invisible Chains

by

Katherine Tildes

Sometimes life seems unfair,
is that true or just another lie
that we are told when we are wee
to make us never ask why.
Never question the adults
and what they say.
Never criticize their beliefs,
no matter how alien they are to us.

Are we taught from birth
to sit back and let the world pass us by?
Are we taken in,
trained with expertise
to never question authority
or its reasons why?
Is that why the sciences exist,
to coerce us from age uno
that we are what we are?

But who really takes that bullshit.
Who honestly sits back and
takes it all in,
never raising a hand to
question the authoritative rule.
Not I
nor you.
Not anyone I know.
So why am I writing this poem?
to free myself from invisible chains.

Hide Out

by

Katherine Tildes

No, I won�t come down

I think I will stay here,
in the privacy of my place.

My room,
with all the emotions I have upon the walls,

the angry tears upon the floor.
I think I�ll stay here

and hide out for a while,
where no one can endanger

my dainty emotional tissue
with the bullshit I keep hearing out there.

I think I will stay right here,

wasting my time with
books, movies, the Internet

and all of its lies.
If you (anybody) want to see me,

call me,
email me;

don�t breach my safe place.
When I want to,

or when hunger drops me to the floor,
I will come out and

face reality again.
Until then, I�ll just hide out here.

Twisted

by

Katherine Tildes

Standing here getting ready for work

I look down upon myself,
holding a hair dryer to dry my mass of

bottle-dyed red hair,
and I don�t like what I see.

My self-concept is shattered,
like a mirror that was thrown into a wall,

its pieces reflecting twisted images of myself.
I know that I am not grotesque,

nor am I beautiful, but I feel
I am pretty enough to be gazed at.

Yet at this particular moment I cannot see
past the lies I tell myself.
I cannot get past the block of low

self-esteem that has never let me pass.
It waits for me at the end of my tunnel,

crouching in the shadows ready to pounce,
like a tiger stalking its prey.

Its All Coming Down Again (or Black Hole)

by

Katherine Tildes

I used to be a happy child,

with blue eyes and a happy smile.
I didn�t ever cry or get angry,

like I do now.
My days were filled with my Father

and Teddy our dog.

Though we were never rich,

rather very poor,
we had a good life just the three of us.

He never remarried, so I didn�t have "mother"
reforming me.

And then when I got older,

I got angrier.
It seems all I could see was the

pessimistic side of life.
I threatened suicide,

rather dejected from the world and its
social ladder.

I never did complete the task
and the scars are mostly emotional.

I was full of rage and self loathe,
it seemed to control me.

And thus I lived on the dark side of life.

Then one-year things got better,

I had friends and people who cared.
I was finally clawing my way out of my black hole.

I was being successful, then the sky turned red
and I fell back into my well of despair and loathe.

My Father died.
I was left empty, soiled, alone.

I felt despair like never before.
But I slowly began to rise from the pit again.

As my days got better, so to did my life.
I was happy once again,

no longer the black crow.
I could finally see the silver lining.

But, unfortunately,
it�s all coming down again.

Save Us

by

Katherine Tildes

What have I done for myself lately?
What have I done for you?
Have I truly tried opening up,
letting you in completely.
Have I?

I don�t know.
I don�t know what I am doing.
Where am I going?
Do I follow a path
already laid out for me?
Are my plans already
made out in the stars?

Damn, I wish I knew.
I wish I didn�t think so much,
or worry,
or wonder.
I just don�t know.

I need to talk to you,
we need to discuss this situation.
This thing we�re involved in.
We need to spend hours talking,
engage in ourselves.
One on one.
Find out who we really are.

Where are you going?
Where am I going?
Damn, I lost my map.
I hope you can be my compass
through this maze.
Save me.
Wait, save yourself.
No, better yet, save us.
Are we drowning in us?

Let go

by

Katherine Tildes

the pressure
pushing in from all sides
do this
do that
be this
be that
follow these rules
please him
please her
please everyone else

where am I
where have i gone
who am i doing this for anyway
why am i doing it

where am i going with this dream
why do i wish to follow it
how am i going to even get there

the pressure
i hate it
want to roll it up
tack it in
spit it out
let it go from my life
just let it go

Under Scorn

by

Katherine Tildes

She�s under scorn
She�s under watch
She�s traversing the paths of life misguided
Alone yet not
Meandering among the walks of life
No map
No trespassing
No roads leading out
No sign of hope around the never-ending bends

She wonders where she is going
What she is doing
And why she is doing it
She doesn�t understand her life
What has happened makes little sense
She believes in a god and goddess
And has faith
But doesn�t understand organized religion

She walks along
Utterly alone and lost
The map she had to burn for warmth
The compass she broke in fury at the last state park
So she walks along
Humming her little tunes
Talking to the voices of the earth around her
Surrounded in fantasy as always

But what she doesn�t understand
She will eventually have to confront
It will be around the next bend
Waiting in anticipation for her footfalls
Squatting in the grass under the bridge
Eyeing her from the cracks below

She will walk over it
She will ignore it out of spite
And keep on trudging along
Smelling the pretty flowers
Gazing into the sunrises and sunsets
And sooner or later she will turn around and yell:
"Hey you! Yes, you fucker! I�m coming and I�m sick of you eyeing my life. This time it is settled, I will no longer be under scorn."

Optimistic Pessimist

by

Katherine Tildes

Life is just life
No secrets
No hidden roads
No guidebook

Is there a meaning to it?
I fear no one knows.
I don�t think we�re supposed to know.
The answers aren�t really there,
we just made up the questions.

"No one knows, never will"
A line from a favorite song
How true it really is
Sometimes it just takes time
to understand what you are doing
Why you are here
Even then you can�t be really sure
You think you know
and then you find out you are wrong

Doors open
Doors shut in your face
But I believe in Fate
Life takes you where it wants
You have some say,
It is your life!

And then there are days where
I�m not so sure Fate exists.
Is there really a Goddess and God?
I ask myself all of these leading questions
and never really find the answers.
The truth hidden behind locked doors.

Listen to depressing music,
read fantasy books,
and dream of better days.
But where they really better,
and why do I continually think of the past?
Sometimes the fear and the angst take over,
embracing my head in filthy clutches.
Then I am lost,
wandering around in a foggy haze.
Eventually I will be saved,
clarity of thought comes back to me.
But I still have to ask:
WHY?!

Paused Time

by

Katherine Tildes

I gaze at the workd as I walk by,
furiously and fast.
I stare down the buildings of brick,
the walkways of colored stone,
the nature that looks back at me.

I glare at the girl who's always happy,
the baby crying in the street,
the men who stare fondly at me.

I walk by and the world stands still,
if only for an instant.
People gaze this way and that,
waiting in their cars for the green light.
Honking horns pause, birds stop singing,
voices merge into one buzzing hum that
echoes down the cobbled streets.

I stop briefly,
listening and watching,
living and breathing for a split second
in the great spanse of time.
The world seems small for an instant,
then rapidly grows larger as the clock
ticks by.

This is life.
This is what we live.
If we all pause, just one second,
will we come to understand this?

Submit a poem for analysis.

To My Daddy

by

Katherine Tildes

I love you,Daddy,
forever and ever
and no matter how far

you go,
I will always look for you.

In every song I hear,

or sing,
I will remember you.

In every child, I will

see you holding me
when I was young.

Every time I hold my love,

I will think of you.
And every time I judge a man,

I will judge him against you.

I love you Daddy,

and no amount of
friends and lovers,
can wipe away my tears.
-August 8,1999
* this poem was written when I was 16, after my Father died.*

Poetry Competition

Some Senseless Thoughts

by

Katherine Tildes

some senseless thought interjected here
a silent whimper in the night
where i want to be
i cant
who i want to see
i cant

depression is an evil monster
that steals parts of your brain
eatsa away at your thoughts at
3 a.m. when you're wide awake
because of pills that are supposed to make you feel better
but give you insomnia at the same time

listening to requim's music
over and over again
it's hypnotic
its breathtaking

you feel insane
eyes wide
staring at the screen and the red numbers of the clock
breathing in and out softly
hidden under the tones of the music

you stare and wonder what you are doing
why you are where you are
if you're going to make it here
you swallow
bite your nails
think deeply and wish to scream
yet at the same time you want to sleep
but you can't

if you can just lay down a bit
curl up with a stuffed animal an ex gave you
stop thinking
put your brain on pause
breathe
and live
and be

Shit
what are you doing
why are you still awake
you sigh
you can't sleep
eyes wide
staring
thinking
dreaming but awake
it's like be strung out
fucking movies

Best Phone Rates EVER!

Reinvention

by

Katherine Tildes

the silent thought
the aching pain
all inside me
each drawing more

energy from me
my already shriveled soul

heart beat
sore feet
tired& restlessness
within myself

I feel like
the clock has stopped
The times� bent itself
backwards for me somehow
It seems the walls haven�t caved in
but flattened down like a giant sat on them
Pictures on the floor
Clothes tattered
My life scattered in ashes on the floor,
a simple wind could blow up anytime.

Would it shatter me?
The wind with its long bony fingers
grasping at my hair
smirking at my screams
Would it pick me up
and toss me about
like a leaf or vacant stare?
Would I be left on the floor?
Alone, aware
that the house is gone
and all its contents_
with my life.
Shit.
Fuck.
Glare at the stars that aren�t there
Maybe I�ll kneel in the corner
and pray that the goddess takes this house from me,
and all of its contents.
So that I can relive,
Redie,
Reinvent myself again.

Submit a poem for analysis.

Touchy Circumstances

by

Katherine Tildes

"I have a 9"
"So do I,
I think it will be another sleepless night."

Fear
Anxiety
Test tomorrow
Important for my self
My person
My major

Wonder
Friends
Weird thing
to have a guy around
Someone else to talk to
Someone else to
spend time with

Friends
That's it
We all try to forget something
I try to forget the fear and anger
in the word "friends"
on the tongue of an ex
an old lover
Someone else I hurt

Fear
it keeps me on my toes
I often forget the past
What I've done
Who I've turned to hate

Friends
It really isn't that bad
But I still recall the way he looked at me
when I said "friends is all we are"
The hate
the fear
the question
the anger in his eyes

So, friends
I hesitate
Already told you so much
emptied a few secrets
yours are mine
vice versa
Capricorns know each other well
and we tend to despise each
other for this bond
Lets try to erase this hate.

Poetry Competition

Better

by

Katherine Tildes

This is me
at 1 a.m.
with a little tea in me
Staggered breathing
scared
sitting on the bed
staring at the boring walls
staying inside because I
fear what I�d do outside them

Sometimes I wonder,
why cant we all be deliriously happy?
Why can�t we all be fine with life?
The shit it sends us,
the lies it tells us

I�m getting a headache
sure sign of sleep deprivation
I could just lie down
and sleep
But I don�t want to
that�s the problem
the error in the scheme of things

This is me at other times
not just 1 a.m. sleeplessness
I hide
alone, in my room
listening to music
And thinking,
probably "unhealthy" thoughts

I wish my friends would just listen,
just take my advice when I give it.
I wish I could take my own advice
talk about a fucking hypocrite

I just need him
he�ll make it all right
But he�s not here
and I�m not there
and the chances that we will be together,
again like before,
are rare and slim

Happy
Yes
That�s what I want to be
Not necessarily better, but happy.

Best Phone Rates EVER!

Freedom

by

Katherine Tildes

I'd like to say that I'm not racist
But I cant
I'd like to say I'm not sexist
But I cant
I'd like to say I don't care
And it doesn't matter
But I do
And it does

Id like to say this world is free
But its not
And that its happy
But its not that
Id like to say everyone is free
To do as they wish
To live as they do
To love who they wish,
But I cant.

Its sad
But all true
We are all blinded by what we think is truth
Its falsity to the nth degree
This world is full of hate
Anger
Oppression
Resentment
And war

A change needs to happen
Something needs to rise
Where are all the free spirits?
The hippies
The peacekeepers
The lovers
Not fighters
We need this to stop
And we need it done now.

Submit a poem for analysis.

The Hypnotic Rhythm

by

Katherine Tildes

If I start out every new day
with the same melody
will I feel the same?
Will it conduce happy emotions?
The same song with
its hypnotic orchestra,
the beautiful, haunting violin
that sings my life on its strings.

If I listen to it every day when I wake up,
will I feel the same?
Will my heart rise and fall with the violin,
will my spirit swell with the eerie chorus?

Today and yesterday are different days.
This is an experiment
Listened to it yesterday,
and today
Don�t feel the same way
Then it lifted my day away,
now it makes me cry.
Sink into a depression of
tears and memories

This isn�t good for my health.
Freud would never approve
What am I doing to myself?
Why do I inflict this torture upon
my already ailing soul?

Poetry Competition

Greedy

by

Katherine Tildes

Sometimes I feel I need more than him
More than what he says
more than the comforting voice,
the assuring words
of love

I feel I need more than just him
ogling my legs
my hips and breasts
I know he wants me
of course he does
he�s my boyfriend,
my love

But what about the other million men?
Do any of them look at me
and think, "damn, she�s hot..."
Probably not
oh well

You probably think I�m vain
shallow
Well I�m not
I�m just a girl unhappy with herself
on a particular day
Just need the assurance from someone
else
The comfort in that someone else finds me attractive

135
size 9
36 d
5�4
Not bad really
Look just like my mother
Just feel gross in this media-defined world
Where every girl is supposed to be
size 0 and 5�6 with balloon boobs
and wear Abercrombie& bitch

How�s a girl supposed to survive?
Fight, believe, be yourself.
Comfortable in your skin
Fuck the media

But still...

Best Phone Rates EVER!

No Care

by

Katherine Tildes

I care not anymore
i care not for your touch
your voice
the smile on your face
I cast it away
refuse to look
refuse to stare upon the cherub
that looks at me

here now
i stand up and walk away
cast it aside
forget the beauty of your eyes
the wonder of your face
the laugh that echoes through the house
this place

I get up
stand aside
cast down the things
you say and do
your begs and pleads
Give up to the weakness
and anger in me

Walk away and don't turn back
It is past
and this is present
I will stand alone
and refuse to be desired
by anyone.

Submit a poem for analysis.

Winter Monotony

by

Katherine Tildes

Standing at the edge of the steps
staring out across the green
Do I want to go back there?
No, it's too dark
Artificial light does not satisfy
not the same effect as
the brilliant orb in the sky
that sheds thousands of rays upon us

Walking back along the paths
caring not for the melting snow
stepping into puddles as big as me
Turn around
absorb the warmth
feel it flash through me
sinking into every crevice
every nook that has been left unsatisfied

The winter chill is passing
Spring can't be too far away
Cabin fever has taken over
seeped into my brain
made me slightly insane
I long for the summer
the release from cold
the monotony of inside

Poetry Competition

Sea of Being

by

Katherine Tildes

As I was walking back from uptown
I felt small in my coat
like a child in her daddy's clothes
I wanted to shrug it off
feel the release of my
restrictive skin
I'd like to shed it all off
this tired shell of myself
Start anew with
new eyes
new smile
new hair
new persona inhabiting my self

And then I would be free
a floating soul in the sea
of light and air
sea of being

Free of this self
this person inside that
is not happy outside
This structure of smiling eyes
and grinning teeth
that lies to satisfy
itself and others
Free of this angst

I sit here twitching in my skin
wiggling and wriggling
trying to break out
Escape
to the sea
and swim and thrash about
happily

Best Phone Rates EVER!

Ache

by

Katherine Tildes

Thoughts roll through my head
not of suicide
but of pain
I want to feel it
again

I�ve known it so many times before
come accustomed to it
gotten used to the
steel pressure
the razors edge
the proverbially knife of my own tongue

Now I have none
its been talked away
the ache is there
remnants of the pain
the sharp teeth
the breath of ice
the shiver down my spine
as it grows dimmer

I want that
the separation
loss of reason
release of tension

Maybe I just need a good fuck
some more razorblades
inject their sharpness into my vein
or maybe some more intoxication
to help me start the day
ease the shade into blurred edges

Or maybe just a good cry
a shameless
baby cry

Violets

by

Katherine Tildes

The violets are blooming,
it reminds me of my Mother.
Also of times when I was little,
when my Father and I would tromp
through the woods.
We�d come to the stream that lead to a
little pond we fondly named Tildes Pond.

I remember those days as if they were yesterday.
The soft trickling of the stream as it emptied into the pond
beneath a fallen snag of a tree.
The dozens of flowers that sprang up around the life-giving water source,
the lilies, the violets, the trilliums, and so forth.
My father used to always tell me "Violets were you Mother�s favorite_"
and I picked them and worshipped them because I was without her,
and they reminded me of her, in some fashion.

I recall that I used to spend hours in the woods;
wandering aimlessly through fields and groves of trees,
whispering, even then, to the fairy folk that only I knew existed.
My doggie, Teddy, would accompany me on these expeditions
deep into the woods,
where we would come across the scents of wildlife,
the creatures that scurried away from under our feet.
After hours would pass my faithful friend and I
would return home to my Father,
to a warm house full of love and hope.

Sometimes I wish those days were still,
that we hadn�t moved,
that I hadn�t gone away that July,
that he hadn�t died,
that I didn�t have to grow up.
But I did and the I wish�s are useless.

One Day

by

Katherine Tildes

Sitting in my blackened room
with my blackened mood
and my blackened heart
Listening to Linkin Park
and reading Prozac Nation
Identifying with some of the things
Ellie has to say.
Depression is evil,
It�s cancerous;
it started out a tiny seed
and slowly grew
feeding of my angst,
my hate,
my fears and dreams.
Now it�s full-grown and catching
up with me.
And I can�t help but stand aside,
the convoluted emotions sweeping me off my feet.

I�m finding it harder and harder to express my
feelings with words
I need a new outlet,
something more vague,
something I don�t feel I have to share.
I can�t write music
because I cant finish any lyrics.
I can�t paint or draw,
it all looks like shit.
Considering my guitar is at home
and I can�t really play anyway
there isn�t a point to trying that again.
I guess I�ll just have to wait for the
Inspiration to come to me.

This poem seems to be two
but its actually two halves
tied together by varied pain.
Sort of like me,
the way I am,
tied together by various strings,
the seams stretching and straining
until one day I am two people.

Untitled

by

Katherine Tildes

And so I dig a hole
so deep that I cannot see the light
A hole where I can hide
from the light
from the day
from the facts I cannot deal with
Because it causes too much pain
to open up
to let someone in again
It will end up the same,
someone will get hurt
someone will be to blame.
It�s always the same bullshit
over and over again.
It�s always me at fault
and it always will be,
that�s the way it goes.
So I tell them to save themselves,
to back away,
to steer clear of the flames.
And I push everyone else away
simply because I can.

One Day

Sitting in my blackened room
with my blackened mood
and my blackened heart
Listening to Linkin Park
and reading Prozac Nation
Identifying with some of the things
Ellie has to say.
Depression is evil,
It�s cancerous;
it started out a tiny seed
and slowly grew
feeding of my angst,
my hate,
my fears and dreams.
Now it�s full-grown and catching
up with me.
And I can�t help but stand aside,
the convoluted emotions sweeping me off my feet.

I�m finding it harder and harder to express my
feelings with words
I need a new outlet,
something more vague,
something I don�t feel I have to share.
I can�t write music
because I cant finish any lyrics.
I can�t paint or draw,
it all looks like shit.
Considering my guitar is at home
and I can�t really play anyway
there isn�t a point to trying that again.
I guess I�ll just have to wait for the
Inspiration to come to me.

This poem seems to be two
but its actually two halves
tied together by varied pain.
Sort of like me,
the way I am,
tied together by various strings,
the seams stretching and straining
until one day I am two people.

Untitled

You don�t see what I see,
the ugliness inside,
the pain and hurt
I inflict.
You don�t bear witness
to any of the despair
in there,
it all hides,
burrowing further,
deeper down.

This depression is useless,
its tentacles tugging and
pulling upon me,
but never bringing me
far enough down.
I can never actually kill myself,
end it all;
I have too much to live for.
There is too much
I�ve promised to do,
too many words said,
promises made to
those left behind.

I long to feel real pains,
to have the real pressure
of ache upon my body.
I take drugs to dampen it all,
and I cut thin lines
into my wrist,
hoping to accomplish true pain.
And though I hurt and loathe,
I cannot bear to destroy it all,
to just let it die away.
Instead I suffice it with little things.
harsh words,
hatred and angsty pain.

Untitled

by

Katherine Tildes

You don�t see what I see,
the ugliness inside,
the pain and hurt
I inflict.
You don�t bear witness
to any of the despair
in there,
it all hides,
burrowing further,
deeper down.

This depression is useless,
its tentacles tugging and
pulling upon me,
but never bringing me
far enough down.
I can never actually kill myself,
end it all;
I have too much to live for.
There is too much
I�ve promised to do,
too many words said,
promises made to
those left behind.

I long to feel real pains,
to have the real pressure
of ache upon my body.
I take drugs to dampen it all,
and I cut thin lines
into my wrist,
hoping to accomplish true pain.
And though I hurt and loathe,
I cannot bear to destroy it all,
to just let it die away.
Instead I suffice it with little things.
harsh words,
hatred and angsty pain.

Worse

by

Katherine Tildes

I�m sorry that I can�t be better,
that I can�t be more whole.
Sorry that I can�t be her,
the one who holds your heart,
the one of your life which you
long to find.
Sorry that I am broken
and seemingly unfixable.
Sorry that I hurt,
and hate,
and loathe.
Sorry that I just can�t be sane
and quiet
and whole.

I�m sorry that life is complicated,
that I make it worse
instead of better.
That it doesn�t seem to stop,
even after the walls collapse
and I am left standing,
naked, alone, hurting.
That I can�t open up enough to let you in.

But even if you could help,
why would you want to.
What desire could bring you to
put yourself out like that,
for someone else?
For me?

I cannot be that special,
that wonderful for
someone like you to help.
You cannot save me,
that is left to myself and my therapist.
You cannot fix me,
though I be broken.
You can only help me,
or hurt me even worse.

This is me

by

Katherine Tildes

This is me jumping off my bridge
falling onto the scratchy pavement below.
This is me raking my nails against my skin,
drawing blood to make the other pain go away.
This is me hating myself for the destruction
I wrought against myself and others.
This is me digging inside of myself
and ripping out my heart,
running over it with a Mac truck and
beating the remains with a anvil.

I cannot stop this pain,
this hate,
this rage that whirls inside of me.
I cannot make these thoughts stop
swirling in tornadoes.
I cannot wish the wrongs to be made right,
nor the downs to be ups.

I don't know where I'm going,
who I'm going there with,
or why I am on this path.
I don't know many of the answers
to my life,
and I can't find the questions anyhow.

I know why I take drugs
and run away
and scratch til I bleed;
I must stop the chaos.
I must run away.

Who will save me from myself?

Adieu

by

Katherine Tildes

I know now that I no longer matter,
that time and space have moved on;
my time is passed.

It's not as if I didn't have a say in this,
my word is "god" here.
I create and shatter what I like;
hearts, days, songs, lives.
I have a hand in what goes on
in my life, and
like usual, I have fucked things up.

It's my fault and I accept my fate.
I will fade away now,
pass into the setting sun and the rising moon,
draw in my outer selves
and exist no longer in this plane.
Only those who call my name
in their minds
will see me,
only those who seek me out.

My time is passing
and I am leaving.
So long,
forgive me.

Slip Away

by

Katherine Tildes

I�d like to slip into someone�s arms

and fall asleep there.
Just lie back and relax,

knowing that things are finally alright,

that I�m safe,

and happy.

I�d like to be swept away in dreams

of something good,

someone new,

some perfect idea of a relationship

that can never happen.

In the gray behind my eyes

I can see the clouds parting,

eventually,

and relentless happiness.

However, I fear these are only dreams.
Some formation of my mind,

some stirring in my unconscious

that I cannot grasp.
Something and someone

beyond my rather short grasp.

Forever Goodbye

by

Katherine Tildes

You think you know, but you don�t.
Suddenly you wake up one morning
and realize he�s not the one.
And you lean over,
stare at his sleeping face,
as tears overflow on yours.

You can�t help it.
You love him
and he loves you,
But you can no longer handle it.
The silence,
the uneasiness,
the wariness in your heart.
You wonder if he notices the
panic in your eyes,
the fear and doubt that reside there.
You wonder if he thinks the same way.

There is nothing left to do but say goodbye.
One more morning together,
one more breakfast,
one more kiss,
forever goodbye.

You place the note you wrote earlier
on his desk by his laptop.
You leave the keys on the table and
get into your car.
All your belongings are there.
But you heart still feels like its inside.
You begin to cry again
as you pull away.
And as you take a left onto Summer,
you see the house one last time.
Goodbye you say one last time.
Goodbye.

Untitled

by

Katherine Tildes

I am wanting,

I am wanting to be happy,

and to be loved,

and to be cherished

by someone worth my love.

I am looking,

I am looking for enlightenment,

and information in the

arms of someone new.

I am wanting to grasp

someone�s hand and walk

through life together,

hand in hand,

happiness abound.

To be together

and not alone,

no longer looking,

no longer searching

for the other half of my soul.
To feel complete,

whole,

one with someone else.

I do not need

to be complete,

to be with someone else.
I can be alone,

I just don�t wish to

do it all

alone, by myself.

Untitled

by

Katherine Tildes

What?!
I�m writing love poetry?
Happy and optimistic,

hopeful and dreamy.

Yuck!
Such a look of disgust and distaste

upon my face.
Yet my eyes show the slight

hint of longing and wishful thinking.

I hang my head and shake it

in disgust and laugh.
What I gotten myself into?

Silly Dream

by

Katherine Tildes

Will you see me standing there,

whether I am in the shadows
or in the open air?
Will I stand out to you,

as something beautiful,
something worthy,

something worth having?
Will you see me and smile,

happily thinking about me,
or just as you would smile

at a friend?

Am I someone,

or am I no one to you?
Just another friendly face

in your world.
Do I matter,

am I someone you long to see?
Am I special,

or just another pretty girl
who dreams silly dreams.

I fear perhaps I will never know,

and though this saddens me,
such is life and Fate.
I must accept how the world works,

especially in love (such a silly dream.)

Whole

by

Katherine Tildes

To the one I love the most

and despise still more,

here is a bit of words

to describe

how I feel inside

Empty

alone

soul-less
Confused

mistaken

broken
Hated

deflated
Raw

awake
Stoned (not high)

stupid
Lost

misguided

Adverbs and

adjectives

to explain

the feelings inside
The emotions,

they convey themselves through

me via the keyboard,

words,

rhymes and

sayings.

And I am tired,

and worn down,

and exhausted mentally beyond compare.
I wish I could just curl up

inside someone�s arms.
Some safety net to which I can fall into,

who will hold me while the

tears rain down

and the nerves break.

But I am alone here,

and alone I will fall apart

and pick the pieces back up,

glue them back together.

Insomniac Poetry

by

Katherine Tildes

I would much rather be asleep right now

but something is keeping me from

the warm and silent bed of my sweet
Something is pulling at me,

nagging at me,

making its presence known

and WILL NOT leave me alone
It tugs at my inner mind,

wrestles with my thoughts,

and forces itself into my dreams

Wwould that I could sleep,

lie my head down next to her

and smell in the sweetness of her skin
But instead I sit here,

typing out these words

which are crying from my head,

making themselves known and

keeping me from bed.
-dec 1, 2003

Coming Unhinged

by

Katherine Tildes

God, I think I've lost it.
Here I am, the early morning of one 1st of Dec

and the fan is blowing of the dehumidifier

and I think I can hear voices,
singing nearly silent tunes along with

eqaully silent melodies and harmonies.

Jesus (I swear, you know) I really think I've come unhinged

the lights are dancing about

as if fairies were playing their

tiny fiddles in rhythm and blues.

Can you help me, dear Goddess of the faith I've chosen?
Can you, perhaps, persuade Morpheus to let me sleep!
Though it's cold I still sit here and type,

as if suspended in a dream
But I cannot wake up

for I am not really asleep.
Please help me.
-dec 1, 2003

Untitled

by

Katherine Tildes

Theres a hole in my soul

that wont let me rest

it festers and shifts,

never leaving me in peace
It wells up with memories and certain songs,

with smells of him and manners of others

that remind me.

There used to be a part of me that

could deal with this

but she has been pushed aside,

hushed on this day of his birth,

66 years ago today in cold, dark Cleveland.

Now I feel this hole even deeper,

growing with every year,

taking in more memories and more pictures,

things I wish I could share

but can�t.

And so it comes down to this,

sitting at a computer,

listening to the radio,

drinking hot chocolate with whip cream and Kahlua,

and wondering what I�m doing to do with myself.
As the snow falls the tears hit the keyboard

and I drink my cares away.

Dec 11, 2003-the 66th birthday of my Father, may he RIP

She

by

Katherine Tildes

Please, reanimate me,

make me someone new

with a new heart

a new soul

and new eyes to cry tears from.

This is not a suicide note,

just a plea to please, remake me;

conjure a new body with pretty (real) red hair,

deep green eyes and an unfaltering body.
Give her a new style, a new way of life,

a new voice and new talent.
Don�t make her anything like me,

except for my love of nature,

my lack of misunderstanding,

my trust and sheer truth;
Give her my love of all things beautiful,

my empathy and my unwavering

belief in nature.
Leave out all the qualities found distasteful and

those that make her inept.

Please, look through me and see this person

inside of me,

who wishes to come out

but cannot because of restraints

she cannot see.
Just take me away and you will find her.
Or just reanimate me and maybe

she will shine through.
She is my better half anyway.

Now That I Am 21...

by

Katherine Tildes

I was walking up the hill to Alden,

stooped down and found a wrinkled dollar,

not looking around I stuffed it in my right jean pocket

and kept walking

I continued up the hill and passed a dozen or so

sorority girls on their cell phones

and thought that I could have been one of them

instead I chose this life.
I could have worn chic clothing, have fashionable hair,

own too many shoes and piles of cds I never listen to.
I could have gone out every night drinking, carousing

with other fake girls who wore the same

high-heeled shoes, short miniskirts and no personality.

I could have lots of money, parents who give me cash for a new

car, college, or whatever my fancy.
I could have outrageous wireless bills, expensive clothes,

shoes, purses, and fake boobs.
I could have been one of them.

But I look at me looking up from the floor

and I realize I have all I want (almost).
I have given and taken and been cheated

by life to get where I am today.
And nothing, nothing will take this all away,

no money, no faux friends, no one-night stands

and the following walk of shame.
I am who I am and I'm all I could be.

Untitled

by

Katherine Tildes

I feel as though

I've fallen

and repeated the act over and over again

I tripped over a crack, fell down a ravine,

felt sorry for myself,

climbed out and the gravity has been pulling me back

ever since

I want to cut these strings,

these ties that bind me to it,

so that I can remain free

and willingly decide my own fate

But instead the noose tightens

and I feel swayed

so I let the leash pull me back again.

To the girl sitting at C25

by

Katherine Tildes

To the girl sitting at C25

in the grey skirt and orange cardigan

with the short curly hair and beautiful smile

that you showed me as we walked by each other
Do you realize how damn cute you are?
I wish that that smile meant a little more

than just a passing glance

at some random redhead as she passed you by
I wish that I could walk over there and give

this fragile poem to you

just so you could see that someone out there

finds you attractive and compelling

and really wants to talk to you

But alas I'm shy

and scared to express my feelings

so I sit here and look your way a few

times secretly hoping that

you thought even remotely the same way

from that brief second where we

entered each other's lives.

Regret

by

Katherine Tildes

i regret that i was blind
that i couldn't see past the drugs and the sickness
that you still loved me
that you still cared
that you still wanted to be around

and here i sit
aware now where i was once blind
but its too late
and i cant change time
or change the fact that we had
one last fight

i told the doc that i didn't regret
but i never admitted that i admittedly gave up
you
i just wanted to be happy and live
with the love of someone else
but that wasn't good enough
because all i really wanted was you

so now I'm filled with regret
for not having taken you out to dinner
for not telling you i still loved you
for not telling you why i broke up
for not asking you what i should have been able to see

Hiding

by

Katherine Tildes

If you look you may find me
if you search the shadows

you may see me

hiding in the greenery or

sitting under a tree

But dont suspect that I am

invisible or not here

just because you cannot find me
I may be creeping in the background,

stepping over stones and

disappearing as I will

If you look you may find me

for I am always around

but you have to search for

me to revel myself.

Overdue

by

Katherine Tildes

I am long overdue

for something to make it right

for someone who takes my breath away

for a change in pace

something's missing and I'm

searching around frantically for

this thing or person

that may make my day better

and my smile brighter

I am overdue

and the fines are taxing my heart

and soul

which have both broken into

tiny shards that are lying about

my feet

It only gets harder the longer you go

and I'm so young

yet feel so old
maybe some day the fines will

be paid and I will

no longer feel this way

My Shadow

by

Katherine Tildes

I am eating cherries as
I walk past the mirror,
Catching my gaze I realize

there is a shadow standing behind me,

it is the shadow of who I used to be

and who I have yet to become
She is smiling at me softly,

a small hint of evil and despair

underneath her velvet eyes,

which stare at me,

urging me to move on with my life.

I am sitting at my desk when

I notice my shadow hovering

next to me
She is watching me as I go about

my day

and she is glaring at me with cold eyes
Is she telling to stay put or

wander on,

continue my path?
It seems she knows more than I.

Water as a metaphor

by

Katherine Tildes

Trying to keep my head above

the water in the pool

beneath me which is swirling

and getting blacker the more

I think

My thoughts poison the

the water I drink

and I can�t seem to find the antidote

But I know on the other side of

the bottomless pit that is my sorrow
there is a crystal clear lake

that is happiness

if I can just get to it.
-July 4,2004

I Remember You

by

Katherine Tildes

I remember the fights and the screams
I remember when I was a little girl
When we moved, over

and over again
The long phone conversations with my sisters
the wanting to leave as a teenager

I remember the tears and the late nights

spent listening to Ethel and Frank and

playing Monopoly with my then friends
I remember being embarrassed because

we were poor and

couldn�t afford to buy a color TV
Or when we bought the new van

and then sold the old one

I remember dancing on your feet

and driving to random flea markets for a

good deal or just for the thrill
I remember visiting my grandmother

and the few times you two would fight
And when we took the Greyhound out to

Portland to visit Aunt Kath

I remember your deep respect for

life and art and emotion
I remember how you loved my sisters

and how you tried to be a

good father
And how you cried when Pat died

and when you found out Frank died
And how you used to play the guitar,

singing old Hank Williams songs and

crying because his words moved you so much

I look back now and I see

just how much you mean to me

how much you have influenced my life

how you have made me a little of what I am today
Here I sit, crying and typing these words

and I remember you,

the good, the bad,

the worse,

and I still love you so much that

it hurts inside.

That day is nearing and I feel the hurt

drawing in
But this year I will not mourn you
I will not hate that you are gone
I will love you.
-July 8, 2004

Decisions

by

Katherine Tildes

Everything seems so clear
The paths are right and left
The arrows have fallen down,

trodden upon my the many individuals in my life

But here I am with my carriage

stuck on the side of the road with

a broken wheel and a bum horse
My map has been dropped in mud puddles

and my compass has been cracked

So here I sit on the gravel road,

my head in my hands,

thinking about the roads that lie ahead
Where do I go from here?
What path do I choose?
Which one will lead me

to the future I desire,

the future in my dreams?

Bus Ride

by

Katherine Tildes

Rather than being at a

fork in my life

I find that I am

sitting on a bench

just past the crossroads of my life
I have taken the bus

down my aforementioned path

and it has dropped me off here,

where I sit,

wait,

contemplate the next step,

the direction I should take.

Should I stand up and wander down the road?
Will I eventually find my destination,

or reach an other one-way bus station?

I find myself sitting here alone,

watching the others on their

journeys to the places they must be
They look at me as the bus passes by

with haunted faces and empty stares
Their eyes tell me that they

were once just like me,

waiting, almost patiently

for the next bus ride.

What I Know

by

Katherine Tildes

I want to disappear

into non-existence

for just one millisecond of my life

so that I can regain some semblance

of just what it is that keeps me here

I have other options
I have other choices and demands
I know that I cannot make the same mistakes

as I have in the past,

that I have learned something along the way

More than anything I know what steps

I have to take to reach my destined paths_

those which are in the future,

those which I have set myself up for
But I can�t say for sure that I know

where to go next,

where to start from here,

which road will eventually lead me

to those which connect me to

where I want to be

So for just a split second I�d like

to fall off the face of this Earth,

get lost in some underground cave

or drive to Mexico

just so that I can step away,

stand aside,

from what I can see and what I know.

Wait

by

Katherine Tildes

I'll do anything you want me to

even wait for you

until I cannot wait anymore
I'll step aside if you'd like me to

so that some other women can take my place
I'll come to you if you'd have me
I'd cross a million miles and drive

days if you'd ask me to

But who is to say what you want of me

when I don't even know if you have

any interest in what

I represent,

in who I am,

in what I do or say
So I'll wait for you

until you make a decision

because mine has already been made.

Something

by

Katherine Tildes

There is something about you,

I can�t quite pin it down

or even begin to explain

because it's not something tangible

or even describable

Well, whatever it is

it pulls me to you,

draws me in
And every time I think about you

a smile draws across my face,

my heart skips a little beat,

my breath catches and

all I can think is you

This doesn�t sound like me
I don�t write like this,

with lovey, flowy words

about romance and the ilk
But for some reason

every time your name pops up or

something reminds me

I can�t help but write like

Charlotte Bronte in love.

Run Away

by

Katherine Tildes

Would you notice if

I up and disappeared,

walked away from it all,

left it in the trail of dust that

arises from my running away

Would you recognize the

absence of me
Would it matter at all
Would you come and look for me,

follow me to the desert and

into the shining sea

Would you come rescue me

from myself

as I drive myself slowly crazy

as i leave everything and

everyone behind
Would you care enough to track me

and bring me back

Would it really matter at all

since there is nothing

that drives me away

except my own memories.
-August 4, 2004

free verse:rape

by

Katherine Tildes

there is so much inside
hidden
rarely let out

the rape
the anger
the hate
the fear of men
the fact that he denied that he did anything
the months and months it took for me to be able to have sex w/someone, even w/the man i loved
the hesitation every time i have sex w/someone for the 1st time...the hesitation at opening up inside

and letting someone take a part of that
i stil cry to this day
ive been crying for hours now

i still want someone to love me
i want to forget
i want to drink it away or smoke it away, dull it down a bit
i need romance, true love..that spark to flame up into something big
i need to rest in someones arms right now, have them hold me tight b/c all i can do is hurt and remember and cry
i need someone to make it all better right now, ease the pain

but anyone I could ask for isnt here
the two people I want arent here or anywhere near

I want to destroy these memories
I want to lock them away forever
but I revisit them,

a little too often for comfort
i just want this pain and guilt to go away

Untitled

by

Katherine Tildes

Hey, it�s me
Do you remember who I am
The girl you used to love,

the woman who took all

of your time
I hear the recognition in your voice

the inflection of a slight smile

as you realize it�s me on

the other end of the phone

It�s been awhile you say
I agree with mumbles

symbolizing awareness

of the time that has passed

since the last time we spoke
What have you been doing you ask,

apparently caring though I

know it�s just for conversations sake
Graduate school, work, living my

life I say

After some awkward silences

and barely heard sighs

I let you know my reason for calling,

the news more than just saying hi

and missing an old flame
You sigh politely and I can hear

the worry in your tone of voice
Don�t worry; it will be okay you say
I guess we�ll see I reply
I just wanted you to know the

situation, the hazards I

soon have to face
Call me; let me know what

the results say you tell me
Sure thing_
more awkwardness and sighs

I just wanted you to know I say

and now I'm gonna let you go
Alright, be careful you say
We hang up; I look at my feet

and wonder why I even bothered

If We Met in a Crowded Room

by

Katherine Tildes

You sit and stare

at me from

across the room,

a vile smile upon your face,

a sneer at the very least

I sit under the mantle,

my arms crossed,

eyes cold and

countenance set

We glare at each other

through the crowded room
People meander around

our cold gazes,

challenging each of them

But as he walks over to me and

takes my hand,
and as she drapes herself

upon your person,
our attentions are shifted,

our alliances now in clear view
We move away f rom the

embedded hatred

and force ourselves to deal.

If You Ask Me To

by

Katherine Tildes

I would totally surrender to you

if you asked me to
I�d lay down everything and

run away from this place,

which holds me by the scruff

with requirements and duties,

have-to�s and will-do�s,

coulda�s, shoulda�s and woulda�s

I�d leave it all behind

and set sail for

some foreign soil

if you�d only ask

me to
There would be no question,

no thinking or contemplating

the choices and consequences
Tomorrow doesn�t matter,

just now,

just this moment we find

ourselves tangled up in
All you have to do is ask

Forgiving

by

Katherine Tildes

Can I forgive myself for

all the things I have done,

all the people I have wronged,

all the false justifications made right?
Can I step down from this high step

and be the same girl I was before,

when I was quiet and shy?
Can I right my past wrongs,

fix the mishaps and disasters

that have been wrought in my path?
-Sept. 23,2004

Love & Hate

by

Katherine Tildes

I hate you because

you think you know

who I am
and you assume too

much of me
and you use me for

what you believe to be okay

I hate you because you don�t

understand what it�s like

to be me,

in my clothes,

in my shoes,

in my skin
and yet you think you know

what is good for me,

what is best

I hate you because

you think I hate you
and that no loves lies

within me for you
but what you don�t

understand is

that with hate comes love
and I love you more

for the things you do

to make me hate

Untitled

by

Katherine Tildes

I�m back at home

and I remember all

the things from

the 8 odd years

I lived here

the nights on Arrowhead with Holly
the early mornings spent at Nate�s
the proms and the dates
the deaths, the births
the floods, the skinned knees

Wendys in Cambridge
the concerts and plays
the drama of high school days
all my friends

I turn into my old

driveway and the

tears flood my cheek
everything and everyone

I�ve left behind

suddenly come into my mind

I remember the screams, the tears,

the fights

and happy times
I remember the anger and

the goodbyes
the shock and the horror
but I remember...

October 9, 2004

by

Katherine Tildes

how do you start over again?
How do you forget the ties,

the feelings,

the things that once were?
Do you just suck it up,

continue on as if

nothing ever happened?
OR do you swallow your pride

and allow for friendship

to build again?

Enough

by

Katherine Tildes

Let us just say that I love you
Is that enough for you to

give up everything else,

everyone else that could

be out there
Is that enough for you to

walk away and share your

dreams with me,

we will sow are seeds together

and follow our paths and destinies

together

Is the vision of family and love and

life together enough to leave

it all behind,

the mess,

the silence,

the insanity that follows

Is the knowledge of my undying love

enough for you to step down off

your mighty seat in the sky

and give your all to a simple

woman who is in love with a man

Is it all worth it or

do I love in vain

and waste away
-Oct. 13, 2004

Should Have Known Better

by

Katherine Tildes

I should have known better than

to try to let you in back in again

to try to make it work

because, honey, we obviously can�t
We fight, pick, argue until one or both

are seeing red and unable to let go

I should have known better than to

let my guard down again

give you the keys

because every time it�s the same old

story over and over again

When are we gonna see this clearly
When are we gonna realize that

you and me,

we just don�t work
I should have known better this time.

Changes & Regrets

by

Katherine Tildes

What do i do? Im making enemies of friends every day
the safe passages are starting to be

infilitrated by slinking theives and beggars

who will rape and rob me of not just my money

or my dignity alone
my safehouse has been taken over by

spies of the other side

and I am running out of places to hide

Where do I go
who do i turn to when my own friends

are betraying me
This isn't a plea for help or a

cry of selfishness
It's just my perception of

what I call my reality

Evening Sirens

by

Katherine Tildes

I can hear the sirens already
I can smell the fire in the air
inside I know the flames are growing

with the screams of the people trapped inside

I lie here on my bed in my apartment

on the south side of this town

listening to the sirens, horns and chaos

that surrounds every downfall of life we have

September eleventh seems years ago

and is almost forgotten in

the hours between five and ten a.m.

Where I am lying on my bed

listening to the sirens and contemplating

the downfall of my own existence

Iron & Wine play on the radio

telling mother to not worry
This is something we tell all mothers and fathers,

trying to convince them their sons and daughters

aren�t fighting to save themselves in the light

of salvation in the form

of enemy fire

I tell you not to worry as

I get in my car and drive across town,

down the exit ramps,

to the bridge at the middle of the city

that leads to nowhere

because the city crew hasn�t repaired it

from the last great downfall of this Earth

I tell you to sit tight and that I will be

right there but

you know better

and I never show up

For Gary

by

Katherine Tildes

What do I say?
How do i find the words to say what Im thinking?
How do words make any of this right
or wrong, for that matter?
How do actions explain when you
cannot see me
and I wont come to you

In the end it doesn't explain
the hows, the whys;
they don't really matter
What matters is acceptance,
is moving on,
is loving the ones you have
and never letting go completely.

Right Through Me

by

Katherine Tildes

You knew it was me

and yet you walked right by

staring off into the cold November sky

as you always do

ignoring my presence as if

I were just another girl

just another pedestrian

just another person you never met

You looked right through me

last night at the coffee shop

where we used to meet

every day for Chai and mocha
I sat in our old spot

out of habit
I wore my favorite black pants

and your white t-shirt

I looked right at you,

an intense gaze,

and somehow I must have

disappeared off your radar
I looked directly at your eyes,

coal black as always

through your tinted sunglasses
I stared down the anger and the chill

and you looked right behind me

and sat down in the next room

with that girl

See if I look for you again
Not that it matters anymore
I am just another stranger

just another face to not

really see
You have obviously forgotten about me

You Are Not God

by

Katherine Tildes

And it�s ok to say

that you didn�t understand me

cuz I never understood you anyway
now what do you have to say

to that mister
I hate you

just as much as you hate yourself
so get off your stool

and step down

step down

to where you need to be

on the ground here with me

and everyone else in this world

who doesn�t think of themselves as god

step down and become one

with the world

the trees

the streets
breathe in that reality

which you try so hard to

conform to everything you are

step down and ride

the subway with the masses

who work, live, love, die

every single night
read the newspaper and

watch tv
become someone you never

thought you could be

Fate

by

Katherine Tildes

I see you standing there

in mist and shadow
I know why you are here
to tell me of

what could be

what may be

what has yet to come

the mist forms itself

into wispy members

and smoky could-be�s
you stand erect with

a smile, a sneer

in knowing stance
I see the fear and

doubt in your eyes

the glimpses of what may be

your presence there

til sun shines

on daybreak

and windows let

in the light
yet again it is

peaceful and

no haze or

maybe�s

hinder my way
-Dec. 30, 2004

You and I

by

Katherine Tildes

A little careless with money
rough around the edges
cynical and sharp
but apparently you love me anyway

sarcastic and wild
a dervish
a flourish of

curt tongue

and feminine wiles

silver rings and

painted skin

eyes that pierce
spirit that is free
lips that only smile because of you

or smirk always
a look of abandonment on face

that often portrays blatant

disdain and catlike curiosity

all of these comprise me

and still

with all my faults

you are here

alongside me
standing next to me

and holding my hand

guiding me through another

chapter of my life
-Jan. 14, 2005

Dream Today

by

Katherine Tildes

Just try to imagine

what this life

would be like

if we were

a little kinder

a little more trusting

a little nicer

to our fellow men

and women

and children

Just try and fathom

what this

planet would be like

if we all cared

if we all recycled

if we all vouched

for cleaner air

water

streets

cities

countries

Just try,

for a second,

to understand

what this giant

mass of rock and water

would be like

if we all

gave a damn

if we listened to each other

if we tried a little harder

if we had open hands

hearts

instead of open wallets

and closed minds

Just for today

be a dreamer

you are not the only one

there are billions of us

try to change what

has been taken

destroyed

given

without every asking:
who would this hurt more?

At This Moment

by

Katherine Tildes

At this moment

I think of you

painting wildly

hair scraggled

paint covered

free
I can almost see you

in your room

on the floor

surrounded by paint

and tape

and brushes
this is your being

a very look into your center core

where your passion blossoms

and blooms out into

the surrounding room

It is this moment

that I see you true

your realness

the beauty that is Mehri
It is then that the grin

on my face cannot

contain or express the emotions

I feel inside for you
this is nirvana and I

cannot go back
At this moment you are all

I see and all I desire

You and I

by

Katherine Tildes

A little careless with money
rough around the edges
cynical and sharp
but apparently you love me anyway

sarcastic and wild
a dervish
a flourish of

curt tongue

and feminine wiles

silver rings and

painted skin

eyes that pierce
spirit that is free
lips that only smile because of you

or smirk always
a look of abandonment on face

that often portrays blatant

disdain and catlike curiosity

all of these comprise me

and still

with all my faults

you are here

alongside me
standing next to me

and holding my hand

guiding me through another

chapter of my life

Bi

by

Katherine Tildes

I
lesbian
I
straight
Why must I choose

one or the other
Why the pressure

to conform,

to be black and white
Can I not be gray

What if I choose

not to
What if I decide I

will be true to myself
Will I be smited by

both the gay world

and the straight
Is this what it means

to be bisexual
Stuck between a rock

and a hard fucking place
Sneered and jeered at

because people don�t understand

that I refuse, absolutely,

to give up who I am.

I
bisexual
I stand tall
unafraid
accepting of myself
forgiving of everyone else

Underestimation

by

Katherine Tildes

Don�t you dare label me
Don�t you dare put me in a box
You don�t know who I am
You don�t know what I stand for
My beliefs are not yours

neither is my body mind tongue

Ask what you may of me
See what you want to see
But know these things:

I am not open for arrangement

I will never be an idol for your shelf

a toy for your amusement

I am woman
I am strong
opinionated, yes
outspoken, yes
Available for support love trust
Don�t underestimate who I am
Don�t take this face, this body

for granted
Don�t you dare think I wont be me

Never-ending Lines

by

Katherine Tildes

a fleeting moment
a smile, wink, desire

for somebody in my arms

where they could be for days
that would pass into years
which we�d get lost in
much like me in your eyes
green and brown, brighten

with smiles

for me
who longs for you

to come by and smile at me
who waits for you to

understand what I see

when I look at you
who stares out of windows

at passersby who do their thing
much like I do my own

thing most of the time
we spend together is amazing
like an early sunrise

after a full-moon lit night
that we spent together

wrapped up under the stars
which seemed to shine for only us
who live and love and

enjoy life because it�s all we know

that happiness can be found

anywhere we sit or stand
near me so I can smell

your warmth and femininity

that I love so much
I could just hold you for hours
which we could do any day

of any week month or year

Otherwise

by

Katherine Tildes

And suddenly I can see

the world for what is really is

beyond the shadow and the pain

behind the doubt and fear

that we hide ourselves in

The walls have come down
I am tearing the bricks and

mortar apart
my fingertips are bloody

and raw

like my soul has always been

I�ve always stood beside

the things I believegin

the things I work with
and endeavor for
spend myself everyday

I am here and have always been
there is nowhere I can hide

now that the walls have

tumbled down
the earth is fresh and new
reclamation of the anger

bloodshed pain tears

of our ancestors who

fought slaved died for us

to be here today
it has begun

Today I stand here

proud and allowed to be myself

only because I have fought so hard

my knees are bruised

my back nearly broken
but my words can never be

taken from me

they are mine and

shall never be claimed otherwise

Cage a Free Bird

by

Katherine Tildes

You cannot quench my thirst

my inner rage

that weaves itself through

my body and mind
You cannot kill the spirit

inside of me

the soul that yearns and

pulls to make

a difference in this world
You will not destroy me

nor oppress me

though you may aim to do so
You may charge into my house

with knives and guns held high

teeth nashing and sour words spilling

But no matter your words and actions

you will never break me
I will always be free

of mind

of heart

of soul
Though you can rape me,

chain me,

flog me senseless,
you will never,

ever,

cage a free bird like me.

Don't Fear

by

Katherine Tildes

To fear is

to give the thing, person, idea

some equivalence to power
Instead of ignoring it

or demanding it change its� ways,

we back away

stand aside

try to run way from it
This act of invasion

only fuels the creatures� passion
It only wants you more

Every time you invade

you give it strength,

reason to try harder,

succeed

This time

instead of hiding

step out into the lights
take your fear in your hands

and throw it far away
conquer it
destroy it
diminish it as it would

surely do to you

Caution:

Do not become it

take control

carefully stoke your fire

and make the creature,

object, person

fear you instead.

taming

by

Katherine Tildes

there is a hole inside of me
it has been there for years
it started with my father's death
grew with my rape
expanded each and every failed relationship

this hole grew out of failure

and dissappointment

self-depricating behaviors

giving in

giving up again and again
it started out like a rash of poison ivy

first, at one spot

then the itching comes

then legs and arms and body are covered

and there is nothing left to do but

lie in bed and TRY not to cry

this hole is filled from time to time

with some person who

is willing to take the chance

to give their love time affection

to brush past the WARNING sign and

try their hand at the beast

and for awhile it works

i am settled calm happy

my life is good and full of love
then the hesitation sets in

the unsettledness

the uneasy feelings

the shifty-feet and wandering eyes
this is when the beast wanders off

and finds another to occupy her mind

forgive me
all of you in the past and future
you cannot tame this beast

True Love

by

Katherine Tildes

here it is
i have finally found true love
but what is it exactly

a whisper

a prayer

a knowledge that she is there

always and even

when I cannot reach her by phone

knowing she is there is enough to cure any ail

love
but sometimes

on rainy days

where no sun shines on my life

I get sad and she is

not here, at the moment,

to cuddle with and shine

her bright light on me
it is then when I

feel the indepence and

insecurity of love

but, honestly,
I would never change this
this amazing

breathtaking

confusing yet

perfect thing

that is love

financial woe

by

Katherine Tildes

creditors calling me

breathing down my neck

just dont seem to understand

the situation I have run into

i wonder

how many of you know

how this is like
be a 22-year-old independent

feminist fighter

paying her own way

on her own path

trying to make it

through the overgrown weeds

of debt and failure

barely keeping head above

the pitch dark water

that threatens to shove itself

down my pink throat

who was it

the Founding Fathers

the rich and plenty

who have no idea what

this road is like
wish they could see

what this does to me

and others just the same
how it saps us of our dignity

and faith in selves

and makes us weak and tired
wish they could know

for a month

what it is like to live this way
but wishes are just hopes

and dreams made on

twinkling stars

and candle flames
when do justice and

understanding come in

to participate in this game

The Best of You

by

Katherine Tildes

you forgot

somewhere along the line

exactly who you are

all your tendencies

that used to drive me nuts

but also crazy in love with you

you forgot

what made you special
did you leave your

personality on some sidewalk

on some back ally

or famous French street
did you fall asleep on the beach

and let your soulful spirit

wash away into the sea

you left behind

the most important

part of who you are
and you walked away,

forgetting that you even left it,
and returned without
now where do you stand

where do you go

what do you do

without the best part of you

Inability

by

Katherine Tildes

Inability

if i could show you

for just one second

the beauty that is you

the poetry in your face

little epithets to love in

the lines in your face

around your lips and eyes

where you smile a lot and

squinch your eyes up

i wish that

for just one moment

i could convey to you

exactly how i feel

when i am around you
or how the brightness in your smile

affects me so
or how your voice melts my knees
and your touch soothes the very

worn and devastated parts of my soul

for Mehri Davis

How?

by

Katherine Tildes

how to hold onto

that connection that we had
how to remember your mouth

and hair and kisses

the way you smell

the way you smile at me

the sound of your voice

it's akin to losing someone entirely

to them leaving this life
but you are still here

just not in my grasp

not in my sights

how do i know that

you are still mine at all

that you think of me that way

that you want to be here

as much as i want you to be

how?
is it faith
trusting in knowing?
HOW?

Fascination

by

Katherine Tildes

you fascinate me

long enough to hold my attention

for a few days
the way you move
that smile
the flowing grace that is you

unattainable you are

like always
touchable but not havable
out of reach to noone

but me

I'll go on
put you on a shelf
keep you on your pedastal

like waterford crystal

or the rarest jewel
until someone else brings you down

Why I Became A Poet

by

Katherine Tildes

to get the anger out
to give the angst a direction

besides in
a flow for the unsure source,

a teenage child caught between

love hate a father

no mother and the

bastards that chose to

make her life hell

some outlet for the rage

pain hate sorror uncertainty
because nothing else lent its hand

to aid me in this life

thus I write
empty my heart soul desires

into words that rarely rhyme

but flow together rather nicely

paper that is thankless

with pens and keys that reach out for me

I write because nothing else

is quite a cleansing for the soul

the body

the mind
as writing a poem

For Kat Albright

by

Katherine Tildes

pull myself up
out of the darkness that

follows me
pull my head up

out of the water
there you are
standing there with a

beautiful smile
your arms outstretched

to hold me

to hug me

to shield me from the

anger and frustration

sorrow and sadness that ensues

you are my best friend
my soul mate
the partner that I cannot have
the one that perhaps

got away
you make me smile

when I am low
cry when I am closed down
open up when I shut

everyone else out

I thank you for all of this
for everything you have done for me
for all that you are to me
never leave my side
never leave me behind
I love you

caught

by

Katherine Tildes

caught
somewhere between happy

and sad
out of control
lost along the road
swimming in circles

in the big broad sea
begging for guidance
pleading for aid
crying and screaming

to an empty house

a shut door

a locked window
the lights won't turn on
the gas won't light
the doors are locked

from the outside in
turning around and

around
falling to knees

elbows on hard wood floors
running and up

and down stairs
caught in a trap

created by my own

actions and thoughts
cannot trip the snare

without hurting myself

more and more

caught between who

and what I should be

and what I really am
stuck with glue on

my shoes
taped to the floor
kicking and screaming

with no one to hear
caught by my own designs

should have known

by

Katherine Tildes

i should have known

that you were all talk

all bullshit

all moves and actions

all words and lies
to get me where you wanted me

in your arms

in your bed

in your control

i should have known

that you did not care

that you just wanted one thing

and I fell right into it

right for it
I was blind and stupid

and in need
I still should have known

better than to fall

for what you had to offer

which was nothing in reality

the past is past

and now I know better

than to keep my eyes

on people like you
you offer nothing

but pain and suffering

and confusion
I should have known

better then
if I only I knew then

what I know now
-11 Feb. 2006. For MR

Not a Poem

by

Katherine Tildes

This is not a poem about you
It is about me

and how you left me
It doesn't talk about the

laughter, the smiles,

only the tears and frowns

This is not a poem about love
It is about the loss of

and how empty my heart

is without yours

This is not a poem about us
It's about me

and my getting over you.

How (again>)

by

Katherine Tildes

How do you let go of someone

after a year, plus
How do you move on

from here

this sadness inside,

this ache,

this longing for something denied?

How do you hold your

head high and smile

at your friends,

the ones you have because

of her
How do you look them in the eye,

knowing that they know too?

How do you keep from crying

everytime you see that person,

at the library, the statue,

every-fucking-where
How do you look back at them

as if everything is okay,

as if you're not dying inside,

as if nothing has happened

and you are fine?

How do you move on

to the next love
How do you let them go

after all that time?

Do you ever really let them go?

Carried Away

by

Katherine Tildes

look at photos

from then
flip through the dozens

of them
wish i could put myself

right back there
standing on that bridge
walking that path
kneeling by that circle

see the places I love

and hate where I am
hate the place I have been

put into
wish i could just teleport

myself there and leave all

this behind me

Want to stand in the park

with those trees

with you and that conversation

we had about having weddings there
Want to walk those streets

see those same views

frequent the same shops
Lose myself in that city

on those beaches

with those random people
Forget that i have been beaten up

and shut out

and left behind to die
Forget about all this bullshit

and drive up Rt 1

to those same mountains and views

and jump off that cliff

into the deep blue Pacific and just be

carried away

Alden Poetry

by

Katherine Tildes

Sitting here on the 7th floor of Alden
staring out the window
across from me

here in this nice cushy chair in front of the large window
is this beautiful picture of

Athens County

of all that is Southeastern Ohio
rolling hills
green trees, however sparse they be
half sky, half horizon

typical day in March
a little chilly
gray with clouds
threatening to rain

can see the heat radiating from the heaters

by the windows
hear the dull roar of the building fans
silence around me

except for people clicking away

shuffling pages

drinking

eating

studying
silence except for

david gray in my ear

singing about arranged marriage

final in 20 minutes
barely read the text
barely can finish the paper due
barely care
need a break
need Louisiana and the

rush of helping others

recover from their plight
need to be away from here

and the sorrow and sadness

Athens brings to me
the recent events too

fresh in my memory

in the look on my face

the emptiness in my smile

you can see my broken heart

my own inner black hole

that I am fighting daily

again

This Is What Anger Feels Like

by

Katherine Tildes

This is when I feel crazy

when the rage just almost takes over

when it heats my veins

drives me practically insane
The fire, the flame,

the passion turned bad
Liquid kerosene running through

my blood to every single orifice

and organ and

tangling my mind

my emotions slammed into a wall

Adrenaline pumping
stomach churning
biting nails and clenching teeth
fight or flight reaction rising
eyes penetrating and anger seeping

out of my skin
don�t look at me
don�t you dare glance
I cannot tell what I will do

This is when I feel crazy

when I feel insane

when I can barely contain my rage
This is the point you did not want me at
Looks like that is your fault, this time

Paint Smear

by

Katherine Tildes

lying at Donkey
molding into the tan couch
eyes glazing over
body settling, relaxing
feet tapping to folky music
quiet atmosphere

staring at the painting

across the room
blues and greens smearing
oranges and browns blending
background disappears into

multicolor paint smear
leaving the strange bent figures

to bombard the eyes

finding myself again

after confusion

anticipation

frustration

intensity of the poverty i am feeling
feeling truly alive again

in this, my favorite Athenian spot

staring at the paint smear

and watching the world go by

from the tan couch where i am

barely alive

Just Us

by

Katherine Tildes

Can we go back to sleep

you and me
forget this life, this day, this week

the financial problems

the education system

the world just outside this bed

Can we just pretend that

you and I are all that matter

that we cannot connect to outside

shut off the phone

throw out the TV and the radio

cancel the internet
let's just stay in here between the sheets

and forget the rest of the world