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James Steel

of

Maple Shade, NJ, US

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Fighting

by

James Steel

Fighting to care

about someone or something

Aggressive

Numb to it all

A youth of positivity

An adulthood of pessimism

Falling into a cavern of fake beliefs

Falling away from the mainstream

Numb

It's all fake

Destroying the social norms, beliefs, the right ways

Fighting to believe

Wanting to care

Love is Foreign

Fighting

Can live without it all

Patterned after no one

thinking of Fate

Forget Fate

Pushing my own way

Midlife

or a new life?

Life of false days

only alive to Hate

Reality Calls

by

James Steel

Out of the shadows

Disappointment awaits

And the best laid plans

Come undone again.

An inescapable hole.

The thrilling afterthoughts

of simple pleasures,

Go back,

Go back,

Be born again.

Reality Calls.

Power of Life

by

James Steel

Past the doorway

an open box,

a splintered tree,

an empty frame,

constant worry, endless strife

darkened hallway, searching, squinting for light

broken bulb

Hardwood floors, creaking

Voices from the past, death of ideas

Power of life, grinding, nashing teeth.

Explain

by

James Steel

Explain

The horrors of an existence

of cruelty and unexplained sacrifice

The riddled corpses of a battlefield

A baby's unanswered screams

To walk without shelter

to breath cancer laden air

An everlasting peace

of soul searching intentions

Without a thought or a step

without an answer except

for faith of unknown

As the weak procreate to establish a new order

infesting the hopeful, the determined

No strong remain.

Begging

by

James Steel

Someone tell me

if these days are wasted

If purgatory is now

If all that is righteous is wrong

If the tests of life, of manhood, exist for a reason.

All of the world's hopes and fears almost

falling

off a cliff

precariously teetering

unyielding seesaw

on the brink...Am I getting stronger by survival?

All you love always dies, always there is crisis,

suffering, pain, regret, frustration

cursing of fate, of luck, of questions!

Easier to give in, tougher to fight for some unknown

reason.

Always moving, never too happy, keep pushing,

stumbling...falling

Back to my feet

Again

and Again

Begging for a sign, a reason, an image, someone!

something!

hope for what, the eternal what?

Summer

by

James Steel

Mornings

Me

summer time

mist on the Bay

saltwater

thanking the Great Spirit for simple pleasures

hot sand

naps

boardwalk

cold beer

restful breeze, curtains flapping

Route 1

by

James Steel

Just drivin’

Mind on anything but the road

coffee and cigarettes even though I don't need ‘em

troubles go away, fade away with each mile

smiling at distant memories

seeing faces from my past, oh they seem so close

wincing at mistakes

and then laughing at them

they can’t touch me now

oh hell yeah

wish I could keep this feeling

days like this make you breath deeply

and sigh at the freedom of the moment

Muddled

by

James Steel

Feeling like nobody loves me

feeling blind

fleeting happiness

oh Lord take me

to a place I've never been

to a special place

where I can be myself and not worry

about countless things

that mean nothing, that take up space in my head

calling out to you

show yourself in more ways

than pretty flowers or disasters

or plagues and diseases

no more false hope because of fear of reprisal

facing it standing

walking TOGETHER

in your likeness

Let It Go

by

James Steel

Park your soul and step outside.

Replenish your being with

vices of youth.

Fear not

the consequences.

Do what you want

Do what you will,

worry will not chase you,

Trouble is far, far away.

Conger the images of all the first times and go

there again.

Walk

by

James Steel

Under moonlight
seeing pictures of the years
flash before me
lost love, mistakes and pain
writhing
seering thoughts
pounding chest
ignore
The woods
frost underfoot
It's late
I am lost
navigate, get your bearings
Pull your collar up, protect against the elements
march on
Looking behind
hearing someone
just your conscience

Don't You Know

by

James Steel

After all
who decided the norms?
The frazzled, spastic past
of morals set in some God's name
Rule today, find your soul
You are a hero of inner strength
Only you can decide what is right
Afraid of a lonely night?
It will pass
along with this life
don't you know?!
You are just a shell
the soul knows.
It has always been here
it is always the same
different thoughts fill your head
nights have always meant more to you
going down a different path
explaining your self takes too much time

one day it's whiskey
one day it's sex
one day it's religion
one day it's a game of regrets

And the skull throbs
and outward simpleness gives way to silent fires
breathing

James Steel

Temptation

by

James Steel

Dark night, don't understand.
Road is flying by.
Mood is sullen and angry and frightened.
Vices of old return to haunt my receptors.
Fearless.
No Pain.
I know that I shouldn't.
Can not help myself,
someone else is in control.
Regret is pushed away.
I know it is there
the little man, voice in the recesses.
I know, I know, I can hear you!
The morning will be different.
Right now I am theirs.

Midnight Thoughts

by

James Steel

Breath of the young.
A heartless game.
Small moments mean everything
Choices and regrets,days and nights, falling and yes, rising.

Ah, a sigh.
One moment.
One moment.
One precious moment that defines me..
Son of mine, your look is all that I need...
your eyes gazing upward
My best friend
My lonely warrior
My true blood
My only meaningful embrace

Respite

by

James Steel

Today
I have not thought too much.
I have let my thoughts fall away.
I have numbed myself to the pain.
I am glad for day such as this,

Seasonal Senses

by

James Steel

Leaves falling on me as a walk.
Knowing the reasons for the shorter days doesnt make it better
All of the bite that the morning brings floods my senses with thoughts of the days of school and recess and trying to gain the affection of the pretty blonde girl who never liked me all that much.

And of course football.

It was whole life, my identity.
The great days of saturday morning little league games where I ran so hard.

Then dad and i went to the Maryland games
and I sat in the stands with my muddy uniform on.

Weak

by

James Steel

Feel like a doomsday machine today.
Seething, angry, determined, irritable as hell
Tired of it all, I am not kidding
Rip somebody's head right off
and laugh instead of being concerned
Tired of helping everyone
Let them sink by themselves
They have no drive, no commitment, no morals
Hold everyone's hand
See everyone disappoint, feel their souls go limp, so limp with the softness, again the softness of their whole BEING
Damn the weak!
I am surrounded by them
I can not escape the measly
Give me the down, who are backed in the corner and fighting for their lives
Care about something, anything and you get punished for it
because the loneliness of your solitary fortitude will screw you in the end
I have cared too much
Now I want to knock somebody out
All the lives that are spent drifting, all the punk ass kids
who need an ass whipping
They have no idea
They have no thought of the sentence I can impose on them
They just never consider the consequences
Crush their measly lives
I am determined to laugh at the weakness
I have seen the underbelly of the false beasts and they are all soft and vulnerable

Labor Day

by

James Steel

My mind is racing
leftover pain , the scars are reopening.
a special friend leaves,
a litttle boy asks why.
the world goes and goes.
the cycle of it all.
the absurdity of it all.
never can one have it all.
a dream-
to have everyone you love in one room with you.
lock the door,
never let them leave,
never let them age, get sick, get mad or get new friends.
keep them all to myself, hold them tight,
kiss them and tell them
you never meant to say those things.
you never meant to hurt them.
tell them all that your love is the only love that ever mattered.
selfish love.
God help me.
I already miss my young warrior so much.
I need lots of care.
I need lots of hugs.
I need my love, my soul mate
to tell me
that everything is going to be alright.
Somedays I don't feel right.
Somedays the moon makes me so sad, the sun is too bright and lonely winds make me recall the sounds and smells of all that have come into my life and left,
and left me standing holding my heart...
holding it close to my chest, clutching my heart
so that it doesn't go with them...
All that is mine,
gain possesion.
I am watching it all.
like a slow motion dream.
Reaching...
grasping running, tripping, falling.
"Fool to Cry" on the jukebox of my mind.
Old records.
My sisters tears.
My walk away from home.
My dad's hands.
My mom's sympathy.
My wife's true understanding.
My dogs last glance, the trust in his eyes, I miss my Dutch Boy so. God I loved him.
Undeserved promises.
darkness, snuffed lives.
Unfair to me... the fortunate others
And young ones...sick and scared smile and laugh as they carry on... amazing joy, amazing cruelty
the ugly thoughts.
spare me from separation.
Please

Mirror Thoughts

by

James Steel

It rings in my head
smiling, frowning, lunging for the ringing phone
Learning so much, soak it up like a sponge and then hope to forget it all
My God... the distant Warrior
simple plan
secrets and denial
If the greatest of all is mortal
has the end of the circle reconstructed itself?
round and round...
it all goes.
And the smoke leaves the hole that once held a deep heart

new, new, new
Feel the crunch of bone on bone
the euphoria of a death shot
the wilting of the halo
if one knows it all means nothing

I reckon we are truly all free
Define exactly the important parts of your disjointed machinery
Dark New Jersey streets
the fan whips my curtains and the leftover toys of a joyous summer of hugs and love
is gone along with the innocent voices and laughter. C'mon, it is the end of it all...it is too much...
come back and be here every morning...I can't tolerate the pictures in my mind...
Why do the pictures never tell the story?
I have seen those sad eyes before
learn to say goodbye, amazing how the human being can adapt
to separation.
So sad for the forgotten one
We are all in different houses in different places crying the same lonely tears
Reconstructing the best times
But I picture the wires circling him
keeping him breathing
screaming my name above all others
Holding the soft hands in the middle of the night as they unkowingly sqeeze my fingers
by reflex.

gotta move, gotta keep moving
standing still makes my mind work overtime

dont think, just punch
dont think just roll and throw
Monsters under the bed, not just a child's scary nightmare
Monsters in my mind
demons in the web
that is my brain
look under there
It is my warrior calling
He has found me, I was right here the whole time
And then after the 5th hour
running to him, please dont cry so much, I cant get there any faster, churning legs, pumping arms, wait I am here, Your face is swollen, you will be fine, I will not let you NOT be fine
I will WILL it to happen, to make you better
My life is not mine
Put the cast on me
Put the scars on me
You don't even know you have them,that they exist
Each one represents my punishment
I would wear each one proudly
Float to me, scars of pain...

Creeping

by

James Steel

How dare the night come
Creeping slowly
Whispering softly
Barely breathing
Exhausted energy
Punctuated by grief
Surrounded by loss
A piece of me
Chipped away
like dust

Shell

by

James Steel

Happy to have you
under my starry night
under my frosty night.
Warm air blows like smoke.
Up high.
Escaping from me,
Covering your soul above me
Spreading across your chest
Being me...
Arms spread wide
Head thrown back
I am sending you my kind thoughts,
my tears and frustration for you to bear

Sad

by

James Steel

I am sad today
I am realizing how cruel it all is
figure it out
sometimes
oh sometimes its just not worth hit
I want a puppy
so I can hold him
and love him
and smell his puppy breath
and teach him things
and hear his first bark
and have his unconditional love smother me
I am so sad tody
I am a walking zombie
in a never ending cycle of deep dark
feelings of doom
foreboding
daunting
enveloping me with dread
enveloping me with no great hope
my eyes are heavy
like sleep is close
but I am not sleepy
I am just sad

Untitled

by

James Steel

I am falling
2:30 in the morning

I awake from a terrible dream
can't sleep, can't explain why
tired eyes and misgivings
sing the song that tells me that my life will turn out
with some nobility
work on me, work on you
work on seeing myself like I want myself to be
I realize only a few things as real
I am searching for my spiritual soul
I have found it at times in abottle
in a drive by truckers song
on a country road
in my Dutch Boys eyes
in my sons first steps
in his sweet kisses
I yearn for Jesus
I fail time and time again
crucify me for all that I have done, all that I have become
Come in, come in and share my view
It ain't pretty
see the moments of my life in my eyes?
I will transfer you the pain
please take it all just for a moment of relief for my soul.

ME

by

James Steel

I feel the violence
I feel the need
I am the pent up wrongdoer
Feel the undercurrent
rumbling in my balled up fist
Release!
the time is right
Eruption

Neon Bar

by

James Steel

And the waves of melancholy call to my gray morning
and the frosty night begs me to go into the demons wrath
and all the devil knows of me he uses
and all strength wilts away
for the guilt is never that great until the morning after when I take
The huge step off the ledge of sanity

Not Again

by

James Steel

The nights are now upon me, clear and clean and crisp
and falling towards my state of despair.
If we could all submit ourselves to the joy that my little puppy feels in his first glance at me after a long day at work
To have no thoughts but of now, of living the every moment like it is the most important moment of all
But then the frosty night stirs my heart, and the reason, my reason for being seems very vague
so scared to die, and not sure.... well, what a human is, what it all means, what we are meant to feel and accomplish

Untitled

by

James Steel

Thinking,just sitting here. another day is coming and I dont have a reason for it all

I search all the soul that I have for all the meanings
What will i do when the advice is no longer his? I will have to have the answers
What will I do when I wake up and can't trust my mind?
The first buzz erases the last wincing days thoughts
lie and decieve
hug my boy
pet my dogs
marvel at their singlemindedness, their love and drive
snap back but is it my punishment?
twinkling lights, the fall is coming to bring me crushing loneliness
at night
alone
walk the block and see the families
walk the streets and run into my mind
I have become hard to love and hard for someone to love me
hard to figure why anyone would
quiet the demons
in the soul quiet them all
I am laughing to myself when i think of where the search will take me
and it is all coming
more pain
more cold questions

Free

by

James Steel

Just want a trailer
so far out in the country nobody can find me
Black Lab, son and me
truck with mud
books to read at night,stacks of them
deer feeding at the edge of the property
shooting, running, laughing, looking up at the night
nobody complaining, everybody happy
perpetual camping
free

Forget it

by

James Steel

Trying to forget it all. it all seems like a big dream dust covered in afterthoughts
all of the greatest men dealt with tragedy and unforseen moments of strife
What would Pat Tillman do?
half a man all of a threshold visited time and time again when the lights go off
innocent eyes. looking for the mornings feed
the playful romp the inspiration of being truly free, it is all about the moment... with the free soul! live it , love it, rise above it all...disease...no matter...age...no matter, and then they know when the time is right...

Basaru!

by

James Steel

Live it one hundred percent
Damn the consequenses
full speed from the womb

Unconditional love
sick? Don't worry! Just
rest until it clears...
then off again.
Another adventure,
A thrilling moment is just around the corner-
but only if I get there fast!

Lost

by

James Steel

Will I ever
Be the man I want to be
or is it always the searching of the body
the body speaks
the weakness stays? I want it to leave... the past discipline begs for me.
detoxify the body
detoxify the mind
Where is the strength!
?
Where is the strength!
I need the youthful exuberance, I need the commitment that inspired others!

Untitled

by

James Steel

Day to day
I am here
every new report brings some fear
tears of a show that I am watching, this life seems to belong to someone else
further along in my life
and I realize that it wont last forever
star a new life
with a little soul
Pray to Jesus
Pray to Jesus
for I have so much more to give
I have been noticing
that everyone irks me more, that everyone has only one chance
that everyone needs to just step away
Stuff my hands in my pocket and turn away
watch my life blow away from me like litter on a windy Philly street
see the lights of the tall buildings
flash back to my neighbors yard when I was just a little boy
the darkness of the path that was just outside my house brought waves and waves of melancholy.

Wednesday night

by

James Steel

Sitting on the bleachers, looking out at the diamond.
Watching my dog run, not a care in the world.
Sniffing , running, looking back at me
Get up, walk around, kick a rock or two...
looking up, see a plane, wonder where all those people are going.

Untitled

by

James Steel

the last restless words. the hurried feet scampering, the mind on overdrive the end of the week...
punch the air, curse the night. forever lies the corpse.
decisions that wreck lives. lofty goals. misstep after misstep.
morning comes and i throw aside my early morning worries, my late night frustrations and then they...they...come ...again

Gray

by

James Steel

New Jersey nights knock me around
Sunday nights where the grayness crushes me
Just what am I dreading?
Just where am I hiding?

Energy

by

James Steel

I'm singing a song to my son and wondering,
just how I got to this place
how did I have the energy to do it all...looking back it just seems so crazy that I had the energy to push..
life just wears you out
just beats you down...
And the focus is on the young...
Looking at the trees swaying out my little boys window and wondering

if I will have have the energy tomorrow to make it!
screw it, do all that you can to make each day energy filled
I felt great today and I have no idea why,
what gods were shining on me?

1930's Man

by

James Steel

Stoic and kind
A generation that saves
Not a penny wasted
The Depression does that to a man
Tomorrow one could lose it all
And something that you thought you had to have
really doesnt make a damn after all

Just Thoughts

by

James Steel

It really is so silly
and hate filled words are alwys followed by regret
and then it goes too deep
and the cut remains
and in the deepest, darkest time
who really is there?
and when I walk to get my coffee, the strange faces seem to stare at me
just how do they live?
who do they count on?
really hurts to feel alone
really lonely except when the sun first comes up
scattered love and hope filled days
I always say those words
I am spoiled
the great ones never talked such nonsense
the great ones rode on into the fight
well I ain't afraid to fight
but not real sure about being alone
all the words
caught up in the air
descending slowly then stopping
hanging like a nightmare , a painful dream
can take anything physical
throw it at me
once again
me, a minimal soul
a minimal heart
a minimal peace

SIMPLE

by

James Steel

I really don't care about much except love
that seems hard to understand
but love and
only love is what really matters
Too simple

10:41

by

James Steel

Find the day that you decided to crush me
Think of the pain and turn away
Under it all lies the reason
For the understanding is yours alone
Walk the moonlit night in waves of melancholy
Dread the trip that begins with the first goodbye
Ask the question but know the answer

10:49

by

James Steel

It is not all
what I thought it would be.
The nights of wonder.
The childhood of the lost.
The giving and not receiving.
For in this brief life
all that you give you must not expect to get back-
that always ends in dissapointment.
Slip into happy times
any way that you can.
Fall into bed and dream of joyous days.
All that you have now
are memories
and regrets