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Elektron Pemont

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Kamloops, BC, CA

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Figments of Truth

by

Elektron Pemont

A candle on the wing,
Fireflies buzzing 'round.
Looking down
At the little glowworms,
Nestled in the ground.
See the stars
Twinkling in the back.
Do you see the glowing hound
Jumping from the ground?
I see the crimson glass
In my hand like wine,
I put it down,
It's black.
The flowers in the window,
Red, white, black...
Or is it brown?
Bubbles floating 'round my head,
Like when the party's winding down.
I see the star of Bethlehem,
With rays shooting, making it a crown.
There's a hand in the window,
Writing what I write,
Telling me what's true,
This dark, starless night.


Untitled5

by

Elektron Pemont

Rippling, twisting,
Side to side
My world is tipping
Upside down
My head is floating
Off in space.
My feelings bounce around,
Up, and down,
Up, and down.
There's no anchor
flipping, turning
head is spinning
Am I falling down?
I don't know.


Untitled4

by

Elektron Pemont

I don't know
I don't know why the sky is blue
Or why people yell
I think I know why there are tides,
but maybe I might be wrong.
There's so much to see
and do
and know,
Sometimes I wonder,
Will I have time for it all?
There's friends to be made
but am I too shy?
Things to be done,
but am I too young?
I don't know
Je ne sais rien
All that stuff
Is kinda confusing
Is that just the way it is?
I guess.


Untitled3

by

Elektron Pemont

I put stuff in a basket
I take stuff out
I don't know what my life's all about
Is there any Purpose?
Any Rhyme or Reason?
Or do I have to search
For that toll booth of Heaven.
What will my toll be?
All that You've said
Believe with my heart and with my head
Everything You told us
We are bought can't be sold
We belong to You
We obey Your Word
Following true religion
Helping the fatherless
And widows
We obey and we follow
When we see that toll booth
We'll know it was worthwhile
To wait & obey
To follow.


Untitled2

by

Elektron Pemont

The Horizon is so beautiful
I see it every day
But every day is new
It makes me think deep thoughts
To think & dream
Of how my life is going
And how people make it better
Or maybe worse, as the case might be.
There's lots of things to think of
Lots of things to forget
Lots of things to dream up
And cry about when they crash.
I ponder death
And think about life
Think about dreams
And dream about thoughts.
My life is yet beginning
Just starting on a journey
I wonder what I'll see
When a stop sign comes in view
I'll watch the pretty scenery
And throw food to the birds
Stop to have a picnic
And meet someone new
Breathe in deep
Breathe out slow
Lay on my back
And stare at the sky
See all the animals
And people and things
Hidden in the clouds
Brought out by my dreams
Feel the wind blow in my face
Making my pain just disappear
Flowing around me
Like a stream over rocks
Cleansing within
Purifying my thoughts
Making me happy,content
Just fine.
I'm right at home
Safe, Secure
Then to get back on the road
Start all over
'Til the next sign stops
Makes me happy once more.


Untitled1

by

Elektron Pemont

What did I do that makes me so awful?
What did I say that made me worthless?
Why do you hate me, why?
How come you laugh whenever I speak?
How come you talk when I'm trying to act?
Why do you hate me, why?
Why don't you care that you hurt me?
Why do you call me names when I cry?
Why do you hate me, why?
Why don't you care that you're making
the knife draw nearer and nearer to my wrist?
Why do you hate me, why?
What am I supposed to say?
What am I supposed to do?
Why do you hate me, why?
Why do I matter so little?
Why do *you* matter so much?
Why do you hate me, why?
Do I just sit back and let you mock me?
Why is it bad when I stand up for myself?
Why do you hate me, why?
What'll you do when I'm dead?
Have fun dancing on my grave?
Why do you hate me, why?


Untitled6

by

Elektron Pemont

I have died a million deaths
I have cried millenias of tears
I know Sorrow
I know Suffering
I know Grief
Tears, I have wisdom
Pain, I find wisdom
Wisdom, I know
I am not wise
I know Wisdom
I know the boundaries of man
I find not the boundaries
Wisdom, I know
Petty knowledge I find
Where does Wisdom hide
I know Why
I know not where.
I am dying more deaths
I am crying more tears
I find Sorrow once again
Suffering, I see Everywhere
Grief surrounds me in the air
Wisdom, I have Tears
Wisdom, I find Pain
Wise, I know
Wisdom I am not
Where are the boundaries of man
Blood from a thousand swords
Bruises from thousands of beatings
These I know,
For I am Life.


Untitled7

by

Elektron Pemont

I am!
I am alive!
I am free!
No matter what bondage,
I am free!
Thank you, God!
Thank you!
You saved me,
Just in time,
Thank you, God!
Thank you,
For making my life mine.
And now that you've done that,
I give to you
What you so graciously
Gave back to me.
Thank you, God!
Thank you,
For stopping me from killing
Myself, in a fit of madness.
Oh, how glad,
How free I am!
Thank you, God!
Thank you!
I want to dance!
I want to shout!
I want to sing!
I am free!
Free from depression!
Whenever it knocks,
I'll turn to you,
And you'll defeat it.
I can't escape it
On my own,
But only with you.
Thank you, God!
Thank you!
I am alive!
Thanks to you,
Suicide can't get me
Anymore.
Anytime it says that I'm worthless,
Unloved,
I can say back,
"yeah, right, that's a lie!"
Cause did so much for me,
I know I am loved,
And to you I am perfect,
The stains are wiped clean.
I am!
I am alive!
I am free!
Thank you, God!
Thank you,
It's all thanks to you!


Useless Ponderings

by

Elektron Pemont

Useless Ponderings
Here they find a resting place
This roost inside my head
Is slowly overflowing
Crashing
Falling here and there
Useless to resist
No place to run away to
Nowhere to lay my head
This wandering spirit's
Had enough
Lord take me back into your arms
I've run so far
And so fast
I ought to know by now
That there's just one
That I can turn to
The only one to ease my pain
Is you.


Untitled8

by

Elektron Pemont

Everyone imitates
Everyone else
Wannabes rule the world.
I am downtrodden
A minority of me
I am not happy
With who I am
But I will be
Noone else
I will make
Myself
Who I am
Someone
To be proud of
To be happy with
This minority of one
Will bond
With others of
The same mind
Until we become
The majority
Of us.


Untitled9

by

Elektron Pemont

My name is just Amber
Not Elektron
my last name, plain Goss
Not Pemont.
In order to hide myself
While showering others
with my pain,
I lied.
I lied to myself
Refusing to acknowledge my name
lied to myself
refusing to acknowledge
That the pain was mine.
Wanting to hide from those who hurt me
I lied.
Until I was ashamed of the lie,
And knew the truth will always out.
It may seem trivial to you,
Not to acknowledge one's own existence,
But to me,
To me it was betrayal
Of myself.
It was surrender,
Surrender to the barbs thrown at me
Day after day,
Surrender to the sneaking suspicion,
That I don't really matter.
It was surrender to the blackness
and pain inside that has been
A part of my life,
Since I was little older than five.
I decided this day,
To reveal to myself
That to give in is cowardly,
To fight on is me.
Surrender never got me anywhere,
so I will fight on.


Untitled10

by

Elektron Pemont

It's like,
It's like when you're
five
and you're "best friend"
calls you fat and ugly.
It's like when you're
seven,
And people start
making fun of your last name.
It's like when you discover
that you have these
Amazing people
as your heritage,
And noone believes you
because "native Americans"
Can't be blond.
It's like when
you try to make friends
Only to be betrayed.
It's like when
People torture you for two years
then can't figure out
why you're mad.
It's like when
you're *only* friend is
God.
It's like when
You're backed into a corner
with no where to turn.
So you have to turn back
to where it all started
so you can burn the past.
It's like when
you realize
Life Sucks.


Not Chronological

by

Elektron Pemont

this page is not chronological
same as real life
things happen when they happen,
no though for what's right.
my life's not chronological
there's not bit of rhyme or reason,
not chronological
is my new rallying cry.
why think chronologically,
when you can think with eternity
not chronological
is what I should be
not caring when things happened
or what order they occurred
no paying attention
to curve balls thrown fast
not chronological
not rhyming lines
not conformity
not same old
not chronological
not the same at all


Passion

by

Elektron Pemont

They tell me I have no Passion
That I don't know how to love
And that I can never understand it
Because they think I have never loved
I may never have
"been in love"
That doesn't mean I haven't loved.
I have loved with more
depth of feeling
than *they* can ever understand
I have cried for the people
I love
so much, that an ocean of tears
would not be unbelievable
But they say I have no
Passion
My passion is solely for those
who understand
Those that I love
and who love me in return
And if others don't see it
I guess it must mean
That they don't love me
Or I don't love them.


My words

by

Elektron Pemont

I use words
it's the way I am
the way cope
with the junk that surrounds me
My words set me free
allowing me to explore
myself
my world
my emotions
People say "deal"
And so I do
Deal with the garbage
Deal with the beauty
Deal with the meanness
Deal with the kindness
I cannot rely on the kindness of strangers
because it's very rarely there
So I deal
With my words


Another Untitled

by

Elektron Pemont

So here I am again
Y'know?
Thinking
Reading
Remembering who I was am will be
So much has changed
and remained the same
I'm so different
so constant
so Me.

ARGH

by

Elektron Pemont

Argh!!
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!
screaming it out,
the only way I can
deal with frustration
screaming it out
on paper
better than sound
right?
can't disrupt other's sleep
and can maybe get some rest my self
without making me sick
which sadness
anger
bitterness
and so on can do,
make me sick that is.
So I scream
on paper
try it why don't you?
A mulititude of us
Screaming out on paper,
or some equivalent thereof.
We can save ourselves and maybe someone else as well...

glug

by

Elektron Pemont

alive
tired.
nervous
the opposite of distraught
straught?
busybusybusy
and more
yikes
so much
so much
so much
tired.
glug.

did you

by

Elektron Pemont

Did you ever ask?
I'm not being sarcastic
snarky, mean, whatever,
I honestly want to know
Did you ever ask?
Maybe you did
Maybe I lied to you
Lied through my aching teeth
Told you things were great
Maybe told a funny story
to avoid the situation
Maybe I told you just enough
to stop the questions
If you don't know, well...
Half the truth sounds whole
But it's really not.
It's just a maggotous heap of self-delusion.
Maybe you did ask, I don't know
Did you ever ask?
Maybe you didn't, I don't know
Maybe I blocked every opportunity
For asking me that is
If ou know people well enough
You can head them off before they ask
Questions you don't want to answer
Maybe you just didn't think to ask
I'm good, I'm very good
I can project a lie
Without ever opening my mouth
Maybe you just assumed
"Hunky-Dory Life!"
The way that most do
Did you ever ask?
I honestly don't remember.
Maybe I just don't want to know
Don't want to know
That I lied
Again
To someone I really want to trust
But can't
Because I don't know how.

For my squirrely friend Christine

by

Elektron Pemont

You're beautiful,
y'know?
In every way that counts
You're light,
y'know?
Chasing away the night-frights
You're funny,
y'know?
Helping laugh the trauma away
You're cool,
y'know?
With all those wacky links
You're love,
y'know?
Heart-whole and complete
You're friendship,
y'know?
Shoulder always ready
You're insight,
y'know?
Regardless if they listen
You're talented,
y'know?
Creating visions in my head
You're hope,
y'know?
Living life regardless
You're you,
y'know?
And I thank God for that.

well...

by

Elektron Pemont

Why is it so gerfuddled
befuddled
confused
confuzzled?
Simplicity doesn't exist anymore.
I think I'm crazy,
but does the fact that I think I am...
Mean I'm actually not?
The only crazy ones
are the ones who think they're sane...
so what does that make me?
Insane!
Sane!
Crazy!
Not.
a quivering mass,
a puddle,
a gargantuan pile of...
what?
confusion, insanity, sanity and...
what?
a history of...everything and sundry
from either family I choose
a history of music
leadership
wisdom in business
and family and life
a history of abuse
depression
insanity and manipulation.
I can't choose just one because
well
I kind of have them both
and both have bits of each other.
somehow.
so different and the same
the histories I mean.
and the results of them so...
polar opposite!
a choice was made in each case
conscious or not
and time has told
and how it has!
the results of each choice
both results completely different...
yet both culminated in
well
me.
so what does that mean of me?
half the time pulled in 2
directions
lives
homes
all the while reaching and struggling for one...
while being dragged back by the other.
it culminates
y'know?
every decision
it didn't just affect them
it resulted in me and so
obviously
it affects me
forms me
molds
shatters
rebuilds
and destroys again.
so...
shall we see what happens this time?
together?
apart?
or maybe just both at once.

GRR!!!

by

Elektron Pemont

So stupid it makes no sense!
fighting screaming everything else
for senseless pointless nothings!
not things, just nothings
and so what happens?
something!
why should it happen
when there's something?
since when has something come
from nothing?
since now I guess...
it only hurts yourself so why!
GRR!
I want to
GROWL
SCREAM
BELLOW
until you realize it's
POINTLESS
STUPID
SENSELESS
and only hurts you two
and everyone else
we care too!
we're a part of this too!
we're not all engaged to you,
But
we're your friends,
your loved ones,
the family you choose,
and this...pointless something...
involves us too.
shouldn't we have a say too?
obviously not.

Daddy

by

Elektron Pemont

Daddy
you used to say that
it was my life
my choice
I could make my own mistakes
Daddy
you used to say that
I had to live my life
my way
and decide what's best
best for me
Daddy
you used to say that
no matter what
you'd be there
supporting me
whatever I chose
Daddy
you used to say that
my beliefs were my choice
that I had to decide
what was true
for me
Daddy
you used to say that
you'd love me
no matter what
and respect my choice
no matter what
Daddy
you used to say that
you'd listen to me
and always treated me
like an adult
Daddy
you used to treat me
like a person
since 16
I was grown up
to you
Daddy
you used to respect
my voice
choice
life
opinions
But Daddy then
then I grew up
I became an adult
and then
then you treated me
like a child
infant
incompetent
because apparently
you'll respect my choices
only if they agree with
what YOU want for me
so
why Daddy?
Why treat me like this?
You made me
Daddy
you made me this way
so
why Daddy?
Why treat me like this?
I chose
just like you taught me
I decided
just like you wanted
but
not WHAT you wanted
so
Why Daddy?
Why treat me like this?
I'm just doing what you
said
what's wrong with that
Daddy?
Oh, yeah, I get it
Daddy
you wanted to live through
me
Youth again, life again
live
more through me than you
did
through yourself.
so
why Daddy?
Why treat me like this?
You made me
Daddy
you made me this way
so
why Daddy?
Why treat me like this?

Finally

by

Elektron Pemont

Finally!
Finally!
I'm living,
Being,
Seeing,
Laughing,
Really living.
I don't care anymore,
not about the crap,
It slides off
with little residue.
Not about people,
the ones who don't care about me,
well,
i don't care about them.
It bothers me,
but no sticky residue
No more agonizing
how can i make them like me
why do they treat me this way
no more.
I'll wonder
is there anything i could have done
anyone i could have been
and if not...
buh bye
no more worries, heyhey
I'll live my life
As me
By my will
By my beliefs
And hell take the hindmost
or whatever they say.

how long

by

Elektron Pemont

I can't believe at all how long it's been since I needed
needed the freedom
the privacy
the anonymity
of writing this poetry and letting all read it.
I can't believe how long it's been since I
let someone hurt me
stifled myself
denied individuality
I can't believe how long it's been since I
felt a failure
decried my failings
disbelieved
I can't believe how long it's been since I
pretended
deceived
distracted
from all the pain that used to be.