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Lilian

of

Tilburg, Netherlands

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Lilian.Gouws@etm.ericsson.se (Lilian)


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Still Daddy

by

Lilian

To me you are still,
still in my heart,
still in my thoughts.

To me you are still,
still deep in my life,
still deep in my soul.

To me you are still,
still showing in my tears,
still showing in my sorrow.

To me you are still,
still in your quiet grave,
still in your quiet heaven.

To me you are still,
still the one, in everything I see,
still the one, still Daddy to me.


A candle for you

by

Lilian

I take out a candle and turn to you_.

Because you were there when I was so needing,
Under your take, my body so pleading.
Lips moving, pain, instead of passion screaming.

I light the candle only for you_.

Because with you, it was myself that I lost.
Images of what I became, was what I feared most.

I let this candle burn only for you_.

Be on your way!! I have myself to go find.
I can dream, try to imagine you were once so kind.
May this candle burn you forever, gone from my mind.

I blow out the candle and I turn away from you_.


Blankets of Wine

by

Lilian

I tried hard to be brave, to show I'm just fine,
When under the heavy warm Blankets of Wine,
In crawls a memory, stealing comfort and peace,
Pent up emotion, quickly turns into unleashed.

I beg them to stop, to not make me think
"Just have another gulp of your wine, and drink!!"
I pick up The Bottle and making a bow
Bloodred it runs, voices, where are you now?

I lie down and let the Red Poison run
Feeling it warming my body, so numb.
Smile on my lips, dreams, where did you go?
Deny you, I will, by now you should know.

In a bundle of pure Red Flowing pain
I think of you, time, over and again.
Wine, You are failing to make me forget
The memories seems to grow stronger as yet

We drift of to sleep, The Bottle and me,
We somehow forgot, we failed to see.
That when the sun will call us "AWAKE"
A headache is all we have left for forgetting 's sake

Waking up under heavy warm Blankets of Wine,
Maybe today, the sun will not shine.
Drink and drink until nothing can remain,
Of you, that thought, you were alone with your pain.......


You slipped by

by

Lilian

I bent over, I whispered in your ear.
I told what I knew, what we both needed to hear.

How could I block out the love that I felt?
While tears so strangely made my heart feel so warm.
I touched your cheek, even so deeply in mourn.
Death all around you, that is all I have smelled.

Kissing your lips, I felt not to fear,
Somehow, even so out of reach, you were never so near.

My lips close to yours, feeling your last breath,
Passed slowly besides me, a warm gush of air.
Your spirit is all I felt that was there,
Then you slipped by, ever so silent in death.


ASKING MYSELF

by

Lilian

I had to ask myself, what good does it do?
Feeling and emotion, all so ever unused.
I know why I fear, dreading you do to,
That you will stand there, all so amused.

A smile, and not one by love inspired,
You laugh, you think: "What a fool!"
I cry, from praying, I am feeling tired,
But still you stare, like ice, at me so cool.

A tear, you did not even wink an eye.
Hearts where once burned all consuming fire.
While inside all that escaped was a cry,
Of the pain_ it is of me that you did tire.

The feelings we had, was only for one.
Actions, words, they all were untrue.
Rather we forget and make it undone.
So I have to ask myself, what good does it do?


Behind Every Person

by

Lilian

Behind every person lies a face,
behind every person lies a past,
beyond this past lies our future,
that future will include another face.
On the past we can rely,
But even then, we learned with grace,
The lessons were taught and can not be defined,
A future so bright, and dreams so alive.

So why not dream?
Dream our dreams, the best we can do,
Dream hard enough, they may even come true.

So we have to let ourselves dream!
But we have to sometime awake,
And then we shall see what is there for the take.

Let us live, for life goes by.
Our dreams are good and our dreams are fine.
Come out from your numb and cold cold sleep.
For at the end of today,
when you have done your best to deny,
you have to remember, you have to rely,
that you are a person, with a past, with a face.
And what you see, is what you got out of Grace.


My special wish for you

by

Lilian

For Eunice

In this special time of belonging in peace,
I wanted so much to be here with just us two.
Only for one evening, feeling at ease.
Still many good wishes, goes out to you_

Into the future, we just can not see,
Where the day of tomorrow might lead_
Always remember: you are special to me,
And to have been with you, was all that I need.

And to you, not at all in the least,
My wishes is to have love in all ways
And in my prayers, I still hope for a change
That somehow somone's arms will bring us release

I wish for us to be ourselves in all ways,
And have peace with this, and in all our mistakes.
That because of sorrow, our haerts will not break,
And deep inside, pain does not leave a scarred trace.

The greatest wish of all is for yourself, our children and me_
To find the calm and joy that only love brings,
And to be fulfilled in all our needs.
That maybe one day, together strong as one you will be.

I can not say all I want to you_
But knowing my haert, the intentions only are good
That whatever must happen should_
My wish, that one day you will again find love to.


Sand and Dust

by

Lilian

Sand between fingers,
Feeling hard against soft.
Hearts that forever lingers,
On souls that went aloft_.

Warm tears on cold cheeks,
Eyes forever staring down.
Heartaches that reached their peaks,
For each sorrowed heart is promised a crown_.

Fury amongst the sadness,
Hurt that became sarcastic smiles.
Completeness, that turned into emptiness,
Closeness, distance changed it into miles_.

Watching while not even seeing,
How around our souls formed a crust,
That deprived us of our being.
While all that we became, was a hand full of dust_.


Remembering

by

Lilian

Remembering you brings us back together again.
Remembering you takes away all of my pain.
Remembering you giving all the love you had.
Remembering you makes me still feel so sad.
Remembering you leaves me wishing you here.
Remembering you teaching me, how not to fear.
Remembering you, holding my little hand.
Remembering you, a daddy ever so grand.
Remembering you, saying how you loved me.
Remembering you, in the end made me see.
Remembering you, longed for so much more.
Remembering you, going on to the other shore.
Remembering you, with tears in my eyes.
Remembering you, with smiles and sad cries.
Remembering you, and all our happy together times.
Remembering you, I can never forget.
Remembering you, I let you go, without any regret.
Remembering you, it is what I want you to know.
Remembering you, just know that I loved you so.


Letting go

by

Lilian

And so, and so_
Who would have guessed?
This the way to go,
I have to let it rest.

Bygones be bygones,
Sex being sex,
Can not justify the done's.
Who knew what would come next?

Sorry, sorry however,
This chance we missed on out.
Regrets will be forever,
I never found out what you were about.


Simply

by

Lilian

Quiet
Sad
Tired
Simply: Just feeling bad

Empty
Drained
Lonely
Simply: Just feeling pained

Aching
Deranged
Hurting
Simply: Just feeling outraged


Unfaithful heart

by

Lilian

Tears, silent on white cheeks,
Emptiess, my heart betrayed.
The love distanced, once closely survayed,
While in the dark, this lonely person still seeks_

Drained, without the love it once felt there
And a heart, aching, in every one of its beating.
Emotions, that are lying naked and bare.
Looking, all around, always searching_

I sensce you here, but you, you are so far away
I cried for you, yet no answer ever came
I have only myself, I am to blame.
From my own voice, echoing, I did not want you to stay.

As love strays, and thoughts go strong
I look at you, and I weep_
I can almost crawl, almost at your feet.
God, tell me, what did I do wrong?

I love you, this, I can not deny.
My feelings are, even more, still so strong.
Just maybe, I have never been more wrong.
My heart the liar, and caused myself to cry.

I focus ahead, and once again I dream
That you, are here together with me.
That maybe, in time, you can also see
That appearences, are not what they seem.

I smile, and try to make up a happy face
While inside, turmoil and sadness rules my being
Because you, uncaring and unseeing
Do not notice any of this love, not even a simple trace_


Butterflies in the tummy

by

Lilian

And so I, I have to let you go?.
Butterflies in the tummy?
How can you be such a fool?
Is it not the truth you know?
While you think all is sunny
Eggs!, you body was only a tool.

So you think, that being in love is all?
Where are the worms, eating away in you?
They eat away on your ignorance and get fat_
Burst open with the fact that you will fall_
And not in love, as only things you think true!
Worms, that forever in you sat!

Maybe someday, butterflies will come,
And what are you left with then?
Again the cycle will regain,
All your feelings of being in love, succumbed.
To this, tell me, if this feeling comes and if and when,
Then when am I good enough, to be with again?.


Dreams of reality

by

Lilian


So safe... I really had you comfortably tucked away,
But you were always there, lurking in-between the folds,
Of my realities and my dreams.
And my untrue heart never finding comfort anywhere to stay.
Memories of us, hiding secretly behind all kinds of unopened doors.
After all these years, I still love you the same it seems!

My dream turning in a reality, my hidden comfort suddenly dissipating
And scaring me beyond my own fears
Of losing you again, just now that I heard an answer came,
and that you are so real, and for the first time facing
That you might have also loved me all these years.
And it makes my old ghosts go up in one single flame

All the longing, tears and all the years of regretting you
Restlessness of never finding what I most longed for,
And an empty space deep inside me, nagging at my rest.
The intoxicated sleep and dreams of you loving me to...
It will all come to rest, and I can heal a very old sore.
I will be better, comfortable in the thought that I have always loved you best

For with me, you will also find out what your life has been missing
And that I am your river of piece and comfort and love...
I will take you, and show you the all the beauty you can see
All desires, and other things you were wishing.
You did find in your life, and that you are safe and all above,
That I will flow into you, and you can finally just be one with me.

My Soulmate

by

Lilian

Out of a dream you came to me and became real in my life
There was no way I could voice what was in my heart at times
I can only write, so patient this paper is and reminding me, I still am alive
Even though I feel dead, my heart beating like badly played chimes

Beating in my chest, every beat telling me
You are not there anymore, and I have lost what I loved most
God just could not for once let me, or us, be
My whole life, every day from the past submersing a new ghost

Love for you, more than I have ever felt
Was sadly not enough for the both of us it seems
Lessons in life, and all the pain that is dealt
And worse of all, every night so much hurt projected in my dreams

Where I am at, or where you are or what we will be
Nobody will ever know, nobody can ever say
Why you my dream, are still so much part of me,
And not knowing how I have managed to lose you along the way

All open, my life, myself and my heart most of all
Still waiting for you to return to our home
Home, where there is so much love and where we forgive you if you fall
And the only way remains to express it now, is here in this poem

Time goes so fast on yet sometimes feel to stand still
Until one day, as days drags by, you will be here with me again
For me, loving you and not just being what you will
But being myself, forgiving and leaving behind all this pain

Just let us be

by

Lilian

God, how is it possible, this chance I was given?
I can never put in words how much I have changed
In a few weeks, how I have escaped my own emotional prison
I still can not believe, this is scaring and I feel so strange
How is it possible to love another like this?
I am the closest I have ever been to being complete
And what did you do to my restlessness?
Calmness, content, and all bad feelings seem so obsolete
Feeling like I actually belong somewhere
Are you making my heart to be feeling so forgiving?
To bury what is in the past and to leave it there?
Giving me the real reason for living?
To be able to love another, and to actually feel I am so at my best
How many years was stolen from us, from me,
Years of emptiness and loneliness_
Even when I was not alone how lonely Iíd be
How could I ever have explained to anybody this incredible love that I feel?
For someone who did love me back then and maybe at times gave me a passing thought
And you, as soon as I love someone, take them away from me?
Is this the kind of love you brought?
He has to stay safe, I beg you please. Keep him safe
Donít ever do anything that will take him from me
The one person I can not bare to part with in a grave
My soulmate, the one that lets me be
Who I am, that I feel so cared by
And that brought me so much joy and more love I ever will see
Please, no more tears, I do not want to mourn or cry
I am happy, so happy that I am so scared that you might
Not love me enough to let me be whole
And will do whatever you think right
And take the one I love just because you need another soul

Untitled

by

Lilian

My name came up in this search, my details were used somehow. Please ignore this hit, I have asked the site admin enough times to remove my name from this site.