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Kerri

of

Salem, OR, US

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jacksbaby_13@hotmail.com (Kerri)


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Your Fault

by

Kerri

Your angry
Got no one to
Take it out on
Come on, go get the
Razor blade.
Slit your wrists
To see how much you bleed
Cut it deep enough
For a scare to leave.
Your still angry
But your relieving it
Pain doesn't hurt you
Your too strong
Your not weak
This is where you belong.
Releasing the anger
Your still not done
You've cut enough
Lets start in a new place
Try your upper arm
Hurts more doesn't it?
Its a weaker spot
But your not weak
You say your strong.
You keep on going
Until your mother walks
Into the room
She watches you with
A scared, surprised look
On her face.
Tears coming out of her eyes
She doesn't know what to do
You see her standing there
But what do you care?
Your you.
Mama runs out the door
You run to it and close it
And lock it
Your sick of putting up
With these sick feelings
Your sick of putting up
With the way people treat you.
You want a rope
You want to die
You want to hang yourself.
But your not done yet
Your now more angry than before
You sit on your bed
You can't sit still
You stand up and scream
Take the most precious things
To you & throw them
Against the hard wall.
CRASH!
You can't believe
You just did that
That was your Grandmothers remains.
You can't take it anymore
You destroy the rest of your room
Why stop?
You've got voices
in your head
"Grab the gun"
"Go on do it"
"You don't want to be here anymore"
"Leave the others with the pain you were put through"
You cannot take this place
You cannot stand it.
Its time to say good-bye
You take the blood
And smear it on the wall
With big letters
"ITS ALL YOUR FAULT"
You grab the gun
Stick it down your throat
BANG!
Your gone now
Mother ran away to find help
Daddy is still at work
Doesn't know a thing
He's coming home
He's looking for you
He's running to your room
He finds you dead on the floor
He looks up and sees what you have written
He drops to his knees
Thinking its all his fault
Crying his eyes out
His baby girl is gone now.
What is he to do?
He doesn't have a clue
There's no way to save you anymore
Years pass by
Your mother and daddy...
They still love you
They always did
They always will
They never forgot you
You expected them to forget
You didn't believe they loved you
You never thought life was so great
You took it out
You took it out on yourself
Why?
You couldn't control your anger
You couldn't let life be this way
So you ended it
You have missed so much
You didn't experience anything
Just grief you wanted to share
You wanted them to feel sorry for you
You wanted the attention
Well, you didn't succeed.
You lost the battle
Why?
You'll never know why
Because you aren't here anymore
Your gone
You have no more feelings
Remember...
That's what you did it for, right?
Yes.
What a life.


Learning from my past

by

Kerri

As the days passed slowly
And the weeks crept by
I find myself obsessing
About ways that I can die
I lay awake at night
Thinking of my pain
There is no way it can get better
I have nothing left to gain
Suddenly thoughts of death
Are controlling my every move
And every battle with my mind
I always seem to lose
I no longer want to be around
The people that I love
All that I can think about
Is what is waiting up above
I cut my arms with razor blades
To dull the pain inside
But that can only last so long
I donít want to be alive
I manage to keep my composure
When people are around
They wonít understand me
So I donít make a sound
I smile when I have to
And break down when I donít
I know I should be strong
But I also know I wonít
So I make a plan to take some pills
It shouldnít take to long
I write out notes to all my friends
To read when I am gone
I ask my mom to understand
That life is just too hard
My mind canít fight it anymore
My heart is far to scared
I plan it out so perfectly
I even set the date
Iím pretty sure Iím ready
I know this is my fate
My bed is made up neatly
As I take them one by one
I start to feel a little scared
I know Iím almost done
All that I can think about
Is how Iím letting go
And how much I love my family
I hope they really know
My eyes are getting heavy
My body feels so weak
Everything inside is numb
Thatís the way it has to be
Iím glad that moms not here right now
To watch me slowly die
But still wish that I could say
"I love you and goodbye"
I give into the darkness
I slowly slip away
I hope to go to heaven
Where dark night turns into day
I wake up in confusion
I donít know where I am
Is this heaven or is it hell
The land of eternally damned?
There are people all around me
Although I can barley see
I can hear the soothing voices
Of those so dear to me
My family and friends are here
Comforting one another
I can hardly make out any words
Until I hear my mother
Each tear she cries feels like a knife
Stabbing at my soul
I let the pain and suffering
Blind me from my goal
At one point I was determined
To make it through the test
To live a life of fulfillment
And to do my very best
But I somehow lost all sight of that
I hope she can forgive
I promise not to waste
My second chance to live
I sit up in my hospital bed
Tears streaming down my cheeks
My mother rushes over crying
Like she hasnít seem me in weeks
I tell her that Iím sorry
For causing her so much strife
I tell her that I will succeed
In living a better life
Together we figure out a way
For me to get some help
I know now that I can go to her
Instead of doing it myself
I know that itís not over yet
Itís a long road up ahead
But I appreciate the little things
Because I could be dead
Iím learning to live each passing day
As if it were my last
I look forward to the future
And Iím learning from my past!