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Vitamin Joe


Brighton, England, UK

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Vitamin Joe

My cardboard cup went so soggy
With gasoline
That I threw it angrily into my cupboard
Into my cup cupboard

My cup cupboard
Is also made of cardboard
The fire brigade are
Concerned of my house
They phone me up cautioning me
To throw out my cardboard contents
My blazing saddles,
And my Bunsen burners,
My atomic rooster,
My candles, etc

And replace them all with a metal cupboard
Asbestos sheets, paint my blazing saddles
In fire resistant paint and keep them
In a tin bucket, and so on

And I say to them
-Bugger off you spoilsports! I like
To live
In a potentially blazing inferno

The firemen come running round
Eyes blazing, hoses out, exclaiming
-You, Hothead, are a danger to the public
And yourself, and an embarrassment to the flag

And I show them a flaming poster
Of vegetarian sausages, burnt to a crisp

-I LIKE crispy sausages! I shout
-We do too, but thatís not the point!
Shout the firemen in unison
-Come in for a quick spliff? I ask
-That is illegal and against fire regulations,
Say the firemen,
-So we must now warn you_

My shirt is on fire!
-We warned you, Mr Burns! say the firemen
My kettle is on fire!
-We warned you, Mr Burns! say the firemen again
My bloody swimming pool is on fire!
-We warned you, Mr Burns! say the firemen
One more time

I sit down
In my favourite armchair,
Pondering their statements,
And burn