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Chasity Haynes

of

Nevada City, CA, US

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broken mirror

by

Chasity Haynes

I stay up late at night,
mesmerized by your deceptions
hounded by my love
angry that I gave up on you
I blame myself, almost as much as I blame you
I live in the present
I can no longer
and will no longer, look towards the future
can not look at the past
not if I want to keep living

I hide my unstableness
by building
a new life in the present, that
You could never understand.
as I get more "normal" everyday -
I resemble the perfect
image of society
I face everyday so I don't have to deal with reality
What a usable word,
what a second hand phrase,
how twisted it is,
double edged like 2 sides of a story
One where you say I am your everything
the other as you leave me
Reality is simply that
I don't want to admit how pathetic my love for you makes me feel
That I search the web, e-mails, friends, for a glimps of you but never admit a word
that I want to know about you
I keep it locked up
tight
real tight
because that is reality
my reality
in my perfect world
I used to want to taunt you and tell you that I will stop one day
loving you
I wanted to stay open and say I will always be here so you will come back
but now I no longer look to that, I just look for glances because that is the "here and now"
and I keep buildimg my new life

Don't get on to big of a high horse
because I know you do it to
over and over but you are
so silent
that is the part that saddens me most of all
that you could possible hurt
I now walk through life like walking over broken glass
and my reality is spending the rest of my existance looking in a broken mirror
as I slice and dice

The thought crosses my mind, what can I do, what can change this
and I know it is to late
but it could be worse
So I walk and
there are many moments that my feet touch safe ground
and then there are others
like when I am laying in bed late at night
I will marry him, you know I will, and I hate you for it
but it could be worse


Thank You

by

Chasity Haynes

Today I want to thank you
for every moment and every word
said, wispered, or untold
for every minute and every touch
brush, feel, or grasp

for every emotion, every kiss, every scream
you ever gave me
for all the fights, the kisses, and the hugs
ever felt in my soul

I want to thank you,
for the chance to feel,
all the glory and all the horror
for every single moment
all the pain and all the tears
weither from happiness or sadness

I want to thank you for every
truth and every lie
from the first hello
to our promise of life times together
after this one ends

All of this is my reality
all of this is what I am
thanking you for
for the moments of ecstacy that gave me wings
to the moments of suffering that brought me to my knees

thank you

fading

by

Chasity Haynes

Foot steps, can you hear them
so soft and faint in your distance
can you hear them
click
click click
click
click click
they echo in my ears
click
at first i didn't notice them
to bussy with other thoughts
frantically putting things together
but sometime later
I caught on
and on
to those foot steps
click
click click
step after step I became mesmorized,
awestruck by the sound
terrified by the possibility
who is it that could make that clicking
click click over and over
fast as in running
click, click, click, click, click, click
who could it be
making that noise
running so fast
moving with my thoughts
then it appeared
to trip over themselves
click
click
clunk clunk
click
sometime later it was as if they caught on to me
as I had to them
and as my thoughts towards everthing else started to slow,
so did they
like they had anticipated my reaction
click
click
click click
click
click
I was terrified and intrigued
my heart started to beat faster than my chest felt it could handle
turning my troat into a shrinking tube that air could neither enter nor exit
click
click
click
I started to cry
out of fear and frustration
I had to know
and couldn't stop listening
to the forever
click click
click
click click
click
Foot steps, can you hear them
so soft and faint in the distance
can you hear them
fading away from you

Waiting

by

Chasity Haynes

Everyone has that someone,
That touch a place
so very far away
tucked in the corner
dim
musty
cool
soft...
home

they leave memories
like footsteps in the snow
and leaves fallen under a tree

Glorious memories
and gentle ones
that drift in and out
of the ones that seem forever planted

Of laughter,
even bitter sweet
and kisses,
never laid

I love these memories at times
and others
I just patiently wait
for them
to fade

Things I Never Told You

by

Chasity Haynes

I get jealous
Not mildly
but extreme

I lie
I pretend
I smile
and I submit

But I remember

As I walk on the tops of your feet
to the sound of reggea
feeling in my heart what I have
been always looking for
and you tell me I am following in her
footsteps, even to the same song
Of late night car rides
after sacrificing all my finanial self
and I get to play designated driver
to another that you worship
Of trips to the gym
because you like
very thin woman
who eat only
nothing

competetion
to win
the loss of ones self

telling me you are leaving
so I can know the joy of being alone
and you can know the joy
of others
finally the satisfaction of laying in bed
with you in my arms
after nights of tears
from my arms feeling like a traiter
your sweet kisses
words of passion and love
and no phone call
the next day

or the next

questions arise
and you tell me I did it first
Long drives to cities
far beyond my reach
financially, emotionally
and physically
to see your face after blisters
form on my feet
physical exhaustion to afford this life
and I do not get a smile
for my surprise on your birthday
long hugs from friends
two seconds to long
and sideways looks from
your mother
Ask my how could I
As you tell me you always
thought I would be there
to wipe your feet on
As I get lonelier
and never sure which way
because those moments together
are what make things desirable

but I always know
there will be another
and I will not ever
be enough for you
Is this how you feel?
This is how I have felt since
I firs stepped on your feet
and began to walk in her footsteps
and then anothers
and anothers
never making a path for myself
so sex may be an art I have practiced
but the dark circles
of your words
or even lack of them
have always been your masterpiece

getting older

by

Chasity Haynes

Is it experience that makes me
so much older, than my appearance
or my unwillingness
to deal with things
that do not interest me

Is it selfish
to not wait
untill the drama has ended
to walk away

getting older

by

Chasity Haynes

Is it experience that makes me
so much older, than my appearance
or my unwillingness
to deal with things
that do not interest me

Is it selfish
to not wait
untill the drama has ended
to walk away

growing old alone

by

Chasity Haynes

I wonder what I will be like
in 20 years from this moment

the wrinkles, sagging skin
and greying hair

I wonder what I will be like
in 40 years from this moment
will I smile
or chase children from my yard
cursing and screaming

will I finally find peace in all I have gained
and all that I have lost

will I finally find exceptance in this life
and in death

as I touch base with myself in the here and now
I know only a heart that has been tattered
through car crashes, mother nature, and fights

flipping through pictures of loved ones
who have left me to grey alone
in a world in which I have hardened just enough
to smile at children while I curse under my breath

am I strong

by

Chasity Haynes

Am I strong, I ask myself this often lately
as everyone tells me it is my best atribute
yet I do not feel it
so what does that say about the rest of me

Art

by

Chasity Haynes

O hold my head up
full of unspoken dreams
heavier than the world

speak to me of far away lands
and posibilities just a foot step away
self healing wounds
and friendships lasting forever

paint for me the picture
more intriguing than the mona lisa
and sweeter than thomas kinkade

for this is where you will find me
my breath as wispers of the wind
my embrace as the sun wrapping itself around you
my love is the ground that supports you

slapping sister

by

Chasity Haynes

a quick hand to a warm cheak
a jolt of the head
numbness then anger
confusion then pain
righteousness then self blame

I have a life to plan
vines to climb
back to my neanderthols
where I am happy

you fell from the pedastool I built
into a sea of deep
blues greens and purples
all swirling to grasp you body
and you deserve your grave
of drowning in tears
to let somebody else
pick you back up this time

Choices

by

Chasity Haynes

Life moves on
sometimes faster
or slower
than you want to go
but it has one fact
you can count on
it always moves on

terrified and excited

by

Chasity Haynes

I want to write you a poem
about reality and dreams
excitement and love
I want to show you in so many words
what I hold for you in my heart
Terrified I will fail at your existance again
terrified you will make it

I am already in love with you
in my dreams and in my waking
I want to touch you and caress you
kiss you all over
count every finger and toe
and protect you like a steal wall
while helping you develope and grow

I am so in love with you all ready
So excited to share with you everything I have
the words race to be the first to reach you
and yet you are not even here yet

I love you baby and can't wait to hold you

My Family

by

Chasity Haynes

I woke to your gentle kiss on my cheek
still keeping my eyes closed as you wispered
"I love you and will see you soon"
I tried to stay motionless, not wanting to be disturbed
as you also leaned down and kissed the baby in my belly
Then a thought crept in and awoke me in full
I want you to always know the love I have for you, in return
and could not let you leave with out the words spoken
As I opened my eyes, I saw you kiss the cat and I knew
I finally found my family and my home
I love you too

morning nurturing

by

Chasity Haynes

innocent smiles for you, in the morning
as your tiny foot rubs the inside of my belly
I gently rub you back, singing very softly
the words of amazing grace
You are a love unexplainable
A life untouched by any other
A hope yearning from our souls
for a miracle
This is my favorite time of the day
the very reason I give my life for you
such an innocent moment

Untitled

by

Chasity Haynes

I'm fighting the doubt, the depression, my despair
I'm angry, saddened, and lost
every second that ticks by grips me in a different emotion
guilt for wanting this torture to be over, to be able to move on
yearning to touch and kiss you and impatients at the waiting
the waiting
the waiting
I can not stand this waiting
to see if you will live, .... or die
I give my everything, scared its not enough
I pull back a day or moment for myself
Yet I no longer really know myself
Teatering on an edge makes me so dizzy
so confused
with just the ledge of hope to sustain me
I can not help but love you
so please forgive my weaknesses
on waiting
and waiting

Crazy

by

Chasity Haynes

Crazy
to know
hard
to except
numb
to touch
scared
to feel
excepting
to move
frozen
to thoughts
crazy
to know

Untitled

by

Chasity Haynes

I witnessed your birth
So fragile and weak
As a watched your mom wash you clean
I thought about the new mouth I had to feed
So I abondoned you
scared of the responsibility
yet you came back
again and again
sleeping next to me every night
no matter what I did or did not have to offer
In trailers with no heat in winter
or air conditioning in summer
you were there
when I parked my car and fell asleep
you tapped on the window and came in
to be with me

I realized whether I liked it or not
you were gonna be there
and I liked it
For years I beg to forget
and years I celebrate in remembrance
you were there
so many years
I can no longer remember the ones before you came
into my life

So when the Dr came in and told me
I had to be with out you
I did not understand
and still don't
As I reach for you at night
I am still confused by your absence
and I am scared
I will not remember what it was like to have you
in my life
To help me through the year I beg to forget
and celebrate the years that are good to remember

Untitled

by

Chasity Haynes

I stair in amusement
At your immaturity
Like a child
You play a game
But I'm not a prize
I'm not a pawn
In not an aponent
Im an observer
As you play the game alone
Stressing
And planning
Poking and prodding
Second guessing and asking
Pacing
I watch
Growing tired
Bored
I yern to turn the channel
To flip a switch
To change
This same interaction
That is so boring to play
As it is to watch
Proven to me that you are your own
Opponent
Pawn
Prize
I simply walk away