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Esbba

of

Cheltenham, England, UK

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tommy@saturn93.freeserve.co.uk (Esbba)


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Impact

by

Esbba


My feelings hurt me

They are knotted and twisted inside
I feel sick and I am scared and so _ so _ lonely

All alone, always the survivor, left to be strong, responsible, happily self-absorbed.

But my self-absorption is destruction.
Time to be filled with self-doubt, insecurity and a sense of loss.

As I lose others I lose more of myself
As I lose more of myself I lose others.

I keep telling myself, ‘I’m not that bad, I may be OK’

But then I question _

I question all the time_
What did I do wrong? What do I do wrong? What do I need to do?

My life has little impact on others and yet if I am to believe I am part of a whole, then some impact must be made. But who notices? No one. And who feels? No one.

Right now _ this actual moment, I need my best friend, but I know I cannot ring.
They don’t need me, nor want my interruptions.

My eyes are filling with tears _ I was once told to make me cry would be to betray me. Am I betrayed? Who betrays whom? Does my need today betray a friendship where seclusion is central?

I betray myself,
there is no dispute.

a very small ... tiny _ insignificant me wonders _ why _ why all this, all these feelings are caused because I care, because I love.


Impact

by

Esbba


My feelings hurt me

They are knotted and twisted inside
I feel sick and I am scared and so _ so _ lonely

All alone, always the survivor, left to be strong, responsible, happily self-absorbed.

But my self-absorption is destruction.
Time to be filled with self-doubt, insecurity and a sense of loss.

As I lose others I lose more of myself
As I lose more of myself I lose others.

I keep telling myself, ‘I’m not that bad, I may be OK’

But then I question _

I question all the time_
What did I do wrong? What do I do wrong? What do I need to do?

My life has little impact on others and yet if I am to believe I am part of a whole, then some impact must be made. But who notices? No one. And who feels? No one.

Right now _ this actual moment, I need my best friend, but I know I cannot ring.
They don’t need me, nor want my interruptions.

My eyes are filling with tears _ I was once told to make me cry would be to betray me. Am I betrayed? Who betrays whom? Does my need today betray a friendship where seclusion is central?

I betray myself,
there is no dispute.

a very small ... tiny _ insignificant me wonders _ why _ why all this, all these feelings are caused because I care, because I love.


Do you hear me?

by

Esbba


You are here

I sense despair or is it confusion?

You say that to hope is pointless,
A futile belief in not only the unknown but also the impossible
Yet you hold an absolute acceptance of a dark and lonely future_ doomed

This acceptance is seemingly unshakeable, should obviously be understandable
AND is greatly more ‘appropriate’ than my dreams could ever be

This is the dichotomy I do not understand.

Surely a belief in any future in itself implies hope
Hope that a future exists
If this is so, why is it so hard to imagine that what is to come might not be darkened with sorrow
Instead let it be golden with love and enthusiastic for sharing life.

Now you have gone

I return to my room, still sensing you, feeling your warmth, the strength of your emotions
I close my eyes and look into yours

It was only moments ago that I held you, close and safe together,
But now we are drifting
Together or apart?

What do I believe?

Do I believe you desire me?_yes
Do I believe you love me?_yes
Do I believe you believe in me?_yes
Do you believe in us?

Perhaps the real truth is that I do not belong in your life
Your need for solitude escapes me, leaves me behind, _ accuses me of not understanding
But I try to understand; I will not give up and simply adopt your sense of fatality

But you need to look into my soul, feel my emotions, find time in your solitude to understand me
You cannot alone insist on a destiny prowled by your sinister destroyer
Sleek and black penetrating the waters of life
Evil in its stealth

Is it the intensity of emotion that which will propel your belief
into the realm you create of a fated reality?

OR perhaps _ JUST perhaps _ MY love _ OUR love even
Will outwit your sinister stalker, will undermine and shake,
So uncontrollably shake the suffocating quiet, your pervading sense of doom

I am calling out to you. I have asked you before, I ask again
Do you hear me?