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Suzanne T. Dietz


Naples, FL, US

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Sea Clouds


Suzanne T. Dietz

Shadow veils on sands below,
Aloft, great puffs of marshmallow,
Glide in from the open Sea,
Floating pageant of Beached Beauties.

Torment shrouds a woeful sky,
Caution to the watchful eye,
Blazing Silver streaks by chance,
Poseidon crazed in frenzied dance.

Red-orange dyes the velvet folds,
Concealing Heaven's Eye of gold,
Twilight's glorious firmament glow,
Aqueous luster sways below.

Revolving Mighty Tempest's shame,
Dead reckon by It's given name,
A call to flee in Life's defense,
Against the thrust of circumstance.



Suzanne T. Dietz

Wild parrots gather in the palms
before the sunset's twilight comes
Green and yellow feathers
between the trees
to roost up
Chattering about their day
They always have so much to say



Suzanne T. Dietz

A row of garden grows
We walked the long brick street to
The mossy ledge You stepped up to
You reached
I held My hand to You
Blooming flowers tucked in bed
I smiling nod My dreamy head
Careful not to crush a leaf
I look around and sigh relief
Toe to larkspur blue I climb
You lift
We start a pantomime
Just one kiss
Your scent so real
Through leather soft Your heart I feel
I look into Your painted eyes
One kiss
Your only compromise
One kiss
I fall under Your spell
One kiss
I know Your lips so well
One kiss
I never know just when Youíll find Me and Weíll kiss again.

A row of houses stand
I drive on busy streets to
The grassy curb I pull up to
The front door opened wide by You
Blooming flowers are My gift
Youíre smiling in Your sleep
Careful not to crush a leaf
You look about with disbelief
Your nose to flowers white
You pause
I smile and whisper
"Just Because"
I want to start the pantomime
I want to kiss Our Kiss this time
One kiss to start but never stop
Until Weíve used all kisses up.

To The Closest-Most-Far-Away Man I Thought I Know


Suzanne T. Dietz

Past years have proved harsh,
Enlight was dimmed dark,
Love songs sung so cruel,
Hateís snarled growl and bark.

I wait...
Peace Love will come soon,
Mars ~ Jupiter align
with a
Seventh House Moon.

To The Closest-Most-Far-Away Man I Thought I Know

I reached for a book
somewhere..on a shelf...
opened up to a page and discovered myself...

The pages were yellowed and smelly with age...
There, I was...penned with ink
explained in words by a Sage
Who when penning his thoughts
had no thought one day I
Upon waking from sleep...(with shock and a cry)
Would discover his treasures (the secreted kind)
had tarnished my dreams with each change of his mind.

JANUARY 29, 1988


Suzanne T. Dietz

Past years have proved harsh,
Enlight was dimmed dark,
Love songs sung so cruel,
Hateís snarled growl and bark.

I wait...
Peace Love will come soon,
Mars ~ Jupiter align with a Seventh House Moon.

Above horizonís edge
A brand New Age glows,
The long overdue
Blooming of The Rose.

The Wand has been waved,
Angels are on call,
"Goodwill" is The Wish,
This Rose perfumes all.



Suzanne T. Dietz

THERE ABOVE A WATER VIEW ~ From a window ~ Where were You? ~ A cabbage leaf went floating by ~ Standing there I wondered "why?" ~ The chain linked fence on corner lot ~ That broken place that time forgot ~ Blue cloudless sky ~ A vivid day ~ The shallow pool where children played ~ Wearing dirty underwear they splashed as if they had no cares ~ They live within their own strange dreams ~ Do they dream of Our world scenes?
WHEN ON A DIFFERENT DREAM WORLD DAY ~ At a small dockside cafe ~ I watched You stand up from Your chair ~ Before You left I stopped You where afar I saw a sailing boat ~ I handed You an envelope before I walked towards boardwalkís end ~ Addressed "With Love To You - My Friend" ~ Sealed inside - My poems to tell "I Love You" and "I Wish You Well" ~ I left ~ then turned around to see You standing there ~ Your gaze on Me ~ I entered a white cozy room ~ Scented with cut flowers perfume ~ The window glass without a mar ~ The sea view bright ~ Horizon far ~ I lingered there with soulful thoughts of sweet dreams that We Both forgot ~
THE COTTAGE NEAR THE HIGHLAND ROW ~ The night sky magically aglow ~ Star constellations patterns change ~ All beautiful ~ All very strange ~ Travelers told what they could tell ~ then waved "goodbye" and wished Me well ~
THE VACANT MANSE - WHERE IS THAT PLACE? ~ The house found there in time and space ~ Iím there again ~ How strange dreams get ~ Pink antique satin coverlet ~ I touched it - smooth - I always stare ~ Explored ~ Found crystal stored with care ~ Silver brush - comb - looking glass ~ Things left until some danger passed? ~ Behind an unlocked bedroom door ~ A childís room ~ Toys left on the floor ~ The chifforobe emptied of clothes ~ Who was that child? ~ Angels would know ~ The patterned rug to shield the hole ~ Into that spot Iíd almost fall ~ The broken stairs with wobbly rail ~ Dream memories ~ brittle and frail ~
THE FUTURISTIC CITY WHERE ~ Mending a boyís costume tear ~ He spoke to Me and touched My heart ~ He told Me that he played a part ~ A role in these strange dreams I see ~ When I was there You were with Me ~ Long ago between the stars I flew around in rocket cars ~ I think that city was the place where We raced in outer space ~
INSIDE THE CASTLE ~ Three Wise Men with glittered beards walked by ~ I smiled at each a friendly smile that told them "Hi" "Hi" "Hi" ~ Outside The Castle scared I ran with a child in tow ~ I ran across the garden lawn not knowing where to go ~ Emerald gems were scattered just like breadcrumbs on the ground ~ "Don't touch them" ~ "They're green ice" I said ~ Hard breathing was my sound ~ A green ice gem went in my mouth ~ Tasteless and so cold ~ A daring deed to do in dreams ~ Defiently quite bold ~ A boy was standing by a tree ~ Then suddenly he tackled Me ~ We slid onto the muddied path ~ We sat in mud there ~ Laughed and laughed ~ He spoke My name ~ I thinking "way" ~ Ninety-Nine Valentineís Day ~ It started bad ~ We on the brink ~ Nightmares again ~ Again I think "You break My heart without a care" ~ Then suddenly that blessing there ~ Did You change nightmares to sweet? ~ Though much too brief thus incomplete? ~ Or did the angels pity We ~ We lost in hells not heavenly ~!
Enough so to show Us this place ~ To meet the Boy with muddied face ~ To hear the words he had to say ~ To get this far the winding way ~ That place seemed close to heavenly ~ I'm glad You saw that place with Me ~ The air was cool and misty wet ~ That dream touched Us ~ We wonít forget ~ The Boy showed Me three standing walls ~ The Tapestries - there twelve in all ~ Mosaics stitched as beaded scenes ~ Our Story ~ Figments of Our dreams ~ Blending in a legend true ~ The love songs sung of Me with You ~
THE BLUE ROOM DREAMS SO BRIGHT AND CLEAN ~ That place progressed ~ Is "Home" it seems ~ The flowers red yellow and blue ~ Embroidered curtains white ~ Touched too ~ Three pyramids of golden glass on table top ~ The time that's passed ~ Green velvet chaises ~ Tassle trims ~ The alcove books ~ Mystery brims ~ I wonder if We'll ever find a place for Us that's out of mind?
A LONG TIME BACK ON STEPS WE'D MEET ~ Youíd kiss Me long - deep - slowly - sweet ~ Knew not Your name - but now I do! ~ No longer need to wonder - "Who?" ~
RED RIVER DREAM ~ Remember when! ~ Itís almost thirty years since then ~ Us on the floor ~ Gown to My chin ~ Passion swept ~ I pulled You in ~ Into My ear Your groans a song ~ Had We been wiser then and strong ~ Thatís when We could have run away ~ We should have then ~ Still can ~ Someday ~ I loved You then ~ I love You still ~ We meet in dreams ~ We always will.



Suzanne T. Dietz

god new
family tree
We were there with god
WE Three
lifetimeís come
then they go
mountains valleys
ebb and flow
in the darkness blink and stare
looking closely
under bare
heart declared Youíd come My way
"just have faith" the prophets say
I then trusted
then A Child
dreams sweet and wild
no impossibility
believing "whatís to be" would be
walked through life as if in trance
step by step
a wedding dance
"stop" was what the ghouls would say
"come back, Girl"
"donít dance away"
The Right Path until I stalled
then I stood pressed to a wall
they chopped off My dancing feet
forcing Me to take a seat
sitting still
only to breathe
begging god to help Me leave
waiting for My knows to grow
deaf blind dumb
reaping to sow
contemplating all Iíd see
trusted You would rescue Me
You did not
I knew not why
in My sleep Iíd call Iíd cry
denied Faith
gave up gave in
betrayed Us
opened to sin
soiled with stains
tortured by doubt
lived a lie
inside and out
from afar we watched Me die
no one cared
not even I
time just wasted
thrown away
tallied sins for Judgment Day
folded wings
unfit for flight
walked each step grounded to night
why You did not reach for Me
is so painfully plain to see
I was faithless
stepped away
did not wait
what can I say?
did not trust that You were real
did not know itís You I feel
from what sights that You could see
I defined debauchery
You hear each word I speak
You smell each stink I reek
You feel each thing I touch
Truth: You hated me so much
drink Our blood from the cracked cup
Lies cover all Truth up
oh, the lies
what lies We tell
drawn from deep within "oh, well"
at the loom of the lost Muse
fingers bled from overuse
threads spun from Our fallen hairs
over under
woven pairs
weaving parachutes and sails
scratching skin and biting nails
as The Truth was being told
all I had was being sold
mockers gossiped as they dared
fake smiles stretched their teeth were bared
Truth gleaned from secret tales
they all heard my humpbacked wails
secrets hidden in Our heart
back each day until The Start
One Being bound so tight
dream Together day and night
but We lie
so much at stake
still pretend
for all their sake
with Your nose pressed to the glass
watching My life slipping past
Me Myself You I
cockatoos too young to die
time passes
days years
while You analyze My fears
knowing We are seeds of Soul
halves too distant to feel whole
far too long I not believed
You explained
questions relieved
I have listened
know Iíve heard
weighed and measured every word
long years after
hear The Songs
notes defining rights and wrongs
My timing much too late
feel too guilty to feel hate
left to ponder
drained to weak
fear the future will be bleak
dance to stories never heard
how my cat devoured my bird
secret secrets that We hide
sung by tattletales outside
crazy mad
I fought with You
then clung close The Way I do
full surrender of My will
dripping blood from Time Iíve killed
tried to flee
too crazy
chose to stay
What is to be?
clinging close
what did You say?
itís Our Life
Our private Way
four eyes are opened wide
to the light that burns inside
sail The Deep Sea of Regrets
it's too sad We have not met
through My eyes you've seen it all
watched me fall
from The Tree through each tomorrow
watch me work beg steal or borrow
and my only gift for you
is to see the way I do
Youíve remembered everything
and youíve heard the prayers I sing.



Suzanne T. Dietz

when angel escorts walk me to
a dreamy rendezvous with you
along the lanes
the secret streets
they take me where we two can meet

the angel girls all smile at me
my thoughts on you
my steps in time with theirs
one two
I follow like I always do

from place to place I stay in stride
to reach the someplace where you hide
from place to place weíve traveled far
they take me everywhere you are
they walk me back
good company
while I reflect on what I see

all the while youíre watching me
in dreams

this time I traveled there alone
five thousand weary miles from home
I came to see my secret friend
to prove that we were not pretend

I lingered there
so glad I came
while I waited
missed my train

running late
I wondered
"should I hesitate?
should I wait just standing here
so you can see me real and near?"

you wanted me to hesitate

I shivered cold
it was so late

I waited there
I wanted to
by the lamp post
just for you

I waited
cold for you
waiting as expected to
this time was real
I was afraid
of thoughtless choices I had made without a jacket
nor a map the midnight cold felt like a slap
I knew not where I was
just why
I stood there
time was ticking by

two voices!
language that I knew!
two different sounds than me and you
I went to them to ask them if
they were lost
"we are!"

a gift!

they too had lingered
missed their train
were heading for where I had came

I saw you with your clique of friends
that isnít where this story ends
my poster
(paid three hundred pence)
with arm pushed through the iron fence
I twirled it
hoping you would see
I still there
"itís really me !"
we sang a song to wish you well
so far away I could not tell
you slipped into the waiting car

from the gate so close too far

gate opened up
I didnít spy you in the car drive right past by!

angel escorts walked me -
pretty girls in love with you -
two girls who traveled from afar
to hear your songs
to glimpse the star
to sing the birthday song with me
they came as two
we left as three

we walked along
a dreamy stride
they smiled at me
all danger died

The Walkers!

it was deja vu!
they walked me back from seeing you!

they walked me to the double bus
we climbed aboard
the three of us
the driver drove us to their stop
they smiled and waved then off they hopped
then onward to my bus rideís end
till needing to be walked again.



Suzanne T. Dietz

With black and purple ponytails
Were three girls in a row -
One walked by -
Another -
With one other girl to go.

The three girls looked so pretty
With their hair in flippy tails -
Their lipstick red and shiny
Matched their long red shiny nails.

Three girls with three boys holding
Three hands as six walked by -
Three separate pairs of couples
To each I nodded "hi!"

In a row apart enough to notice not the front
Not noticed that they each had hair each other girl would want -

In a flash I realized a profound inner truth -
I admired their ponytails but wanted just their youth!

I turned -
Lingered to watch them as they boarded the same train -
Then hop, skipped, jumped up subway steps to drink the London rain.



Suzanne T. Dietz

there came a time when hatred came a knockin' at my door
at first i did not know what all the hate he felt was for
he explained quite churly (clenching jaw tightly intense)
while covering his wickedness (with tricks and slick pretense)
he and i had met before along a crooked path
at first it seemed preposterous (so much it made me laugh)
my laughter made him hate me more (so much that he said "die")
i sensed he really meant it
so i questioned him just "why?"

word by word he told me his long tale about his strife
he said he knew me way back when (throughout his whole damned life)
he said heíd seen and heard it all and hated me throughout
sadly, now i know what all his hating meís about

then he took his fingertip to doodle in the dirt
a wicked spell of punishment (to make me feel the hurt)
then day by day my anguished cries grew louder (till a shrill)
while day by day he bore down more (to crush my force of will)

i crawling on my knees confessed that i had lost my pride
(some where between his hatred and my dignity that died)
i stood tall to slap his face (the way the angry do)
by then i felt such hatred i spit out "now, i hate you!"

he sauntered to his corner and i stomped away to mine
i thought "i wonít forgive him" (and i didnít - not that time)
my tantrum stopped to listen as he shamefully confessed
how we came to be involved in this whole fucking mess

i found myself reluctantly forgiving this mad man
he luring out my hidden love (the way he only can)
forgiving him
forgetting all the cruelty he forced
(believing that heíd fallen to the depths of deep remorse)

until one day he said to me "i hate you" once again
and i began to look back to the past (yeh, way back when)
when suddenly the viciousness of everything heíd done
came flooding back inside of me - "heís cruel to me for fun"

he laughed and then he pushed me and he pulled me out of shape
he weighed me on the justice scales and measured me with tape
he fed me to the devil in a pork pie made of clay
in the belly of that beast i waited till someday

i gave the beast a water glass filled to the top with ice
i understood his psyche (and i treated him too nice)
he promised to release me said
"i think itís only right. i wouldaí done it yesterday but youíve been stuck uptight."

he defined the terms of my extraction from his ass
he promised to forgive me "since so long a time has passed."
he swore he didnít know me
said "i thought i was possessed."
the thought of that just freaked me out (as anyone might guess)

he pushed me and i pulled me till i pulled me halfway out
then i looked down and saw his face
screamed "WHATíS THiS SHiT ABOUT?"
there i was with him (again)
and there iíll always be
iím inside of him when he is not inside of me!

he poured us both a stiff drink and we swallowed it right down
i said "i have another one" (we drank another round)
my nose began to numb enough to tell him
"i donít know...where we came from from the past or where weíre gonna go."

something that i did or said made him start to laugh
he said "i wish we had a map to guide us on our path."
"a flashlight would be nice" i said
"a compass would be good"
we packed a bag of travel needs (as any tourist would)

Ďcause now we are beginning to begin where weíd begun
this time (i swear) iíll treat him good
till this whole life is done
then next time
maybe next time
weíll be born again as Friends
because this time (i vow) this time
that i will make amends

cause long ago
so long ago
i treated him like shit
so bad so bad
he got SO mad (and not quite over it!)
and me i stuck my head so deep into The Sands of Time
(i pushed the memory of my bad completely out of mind!)
but he did not forget it (he reminds me how and when)
why heís been a monsterous man (every chance he can)
but i am so much wiser now (since centuries have passed)
just how long can an angry manís old temper tantrum last?



Suzanne T. Dietz

sitting on the old broken chair at my desk in the bedroom
the humid heat wraps me like a cloud
the window is open and you are still there
i close my eyes to see you and we kiss that way that we do
we stop to weigh our memories
countering real against imaginary
until all weighs heavy in our hearts
bearing down until we ask ourselves
"why" once again
we pause our recount
just long enough to tell ourselves another long story
passing ancient memories
both real and imagined
the stage is once again set
the players wait standing in the wings using secret signs and whispers
in a language only we can understand
we create the dialogue
but we are again dissatisfied with the performance
we are entertained but again want more
the truth is hard to find
yet we reach as far as we can stretch to touch it if we can

i moved my desk to another room
replaced the chair with one that is substantial and turns round and round
then i sit
as always before
you are still there
watching from our open window
i close my eyes to see you clearly and we kiss that way that we do
i ask you to scratch where i itch until
that embarrassing feeling
goes away
i wait for you to relieve our discomforts
in that way that only you can do
we tell ourselves jokes
we laugh at each one until the stitches pull tighter
now that the crying has proven ineffective
laughing helps
so we play again
pretending as children would if they knew what we knew

i pack up the books the desk and the chair
moving the bed the dish and the spoon
now i sit at my desk in the wide open room pointing north like a compass
i paint a chair white and use it as a bench
as always
you are still there at our open window
i close my eyes to focus on your face
we kiss in that way that we do and i cling close to touch skin
what can i write that could ever explain how intensely i feel
vivid impressions emerge word after word
for you to contemplate
drifting thoughts undulate
moving over the page as we change my mind
to write this poem over and over
we are satisfied with the sound of each syllable

we shook the tree hard
raw emotions ripened ready
dropping onto my lap one after the other
the same six vowels and twenty consonants
colliding when they fell with the leaves
leaving fresh foods for thoughts heaped high on our plates
i eight my half hungrily
moving closer and closer towards an infinite reality
reality that you have fed to me with melodic secret love notes
perfect plump cherries sweet and cool
passed to me mind to mind
when the taste of you rolls onto my tongue
i suck until bursting fills my mouth
swallowing the juice of you
i lick my lips clean and you sing

looking down upon the keyboard
the letters there are a jumble
four cuddle close together forming only two
recognizable words: "WE" "AS"
AS WE make sense of it
when here upon the keyboard
we pressing fingers ten and ten
write words that try to explain
when there upon your ivory keys
we pressing fingers ten and ten
play songs we dance to in our dreams

you taught me with chopsticks
the story of when
the eighty ate phantoms
so i think i see now how one aligns next to one
always following the passionate pulls of poetry
you show me the colors clear and bright
we dip our brushes into puddles of light
drawing connecting lines
creating pictures until the canvass is covered
i listen attentively to your serenades
singing back to you
with songs that i play on the radio
dancing with you in my mind

and so it goes
and so it goes
until we as one by one lay our weary heads
on the same pillow
in two separate too faraway beds
we close our eyes and you recite words as
secret private blessings
for me
for we
again tonight
cuddling closer and closer until pushed deep within
our energy circle kiss
flowing through me liquefied loving until
heel to head hot sticky sweet candied kisses
cover Us
we pull each other
closer and closer
we cry ourselves to sleep

clinging close to each other
dreaming of a place where we search for ourselves
lost there i wait for you to know that i am real
i wake in tears or in laughter
but i always wake alone in my bed with you in my head
somewhere faraway still dreaming and wondering
is this all "really" happening ~ it is ~ we both know It Is
and so it goes and so it goes
i am so completely ready for you
come and sweep me away on your horse of any color

our parallel lines are connected with a sturdy bridge
spanning the measurable miles between Us
we cross it to each other
back and forth
forth and back
if there is still a gap left between Us
it no longer poses a threat
we pay attention to what others may perceive
what could they possibly know about any of this
they are left to conjure up the images in their own imaginations
never to really comprehend that
after all these many years of struggling
we have reached a place
where WE
above it all
mystically creating a universe
beginning with the capital
where WE As One point from left to right right to left
in Harmony.



Suzanne T. Dietz

A signet glides on water
The brightest in the land
the constant consonant becomes the center of the band
The Prince who was enchanted slowly glides across the lake
I, a swan inside a duck, am following the drake

Surrounded by his regal swans
(All he knows - by sight!)
Iím pushed into the lake edge weeds
Tears blinding my enlight

I waddle out onto the shore
Madly flapping wings
"Those swans are very pretty but they are such pushy things!"
Returning to the emerald lake
I shove off from the shore
Then paddle past the gliding swans
(I, they just ignore)

On lily pads - like stepping stones
I hopping like a child
"Iím walking on the water - help me, Jesus!"
Then fly wild

I circle round the water
round and round
afraid to land
I see The Prince
from far away
the center of the band

I cry about stupid mistakes
I cry with guilt and shame
I cry and cry about it all
till I think Iím to blame

I cried until he told me -
confessed -
"I too, feel sad"
He told me all his secret sins
confessing -
"I was mad"

He whispered -
"The old sorcerer who cast the evil spell
has been dead a long long time, from all that I can tell.
The Sorcerer - that wicked sot
(though many know his name)
told no one
of his evil works;
told no one
of his game.
Whatís to be was twisted into something that was not.
Iím using all my magic wits; each power that Iíve got -
to make a little perfect world; a place where we can live
Then you and I can rest with peace.
Itís all that I can give."

I cried and cried - considering all The Prince had said
Then a song from long ago was playing through my head

I splashed into the water
Paddled under willow boughs
Considering the past ill spent; I comprehended nows

Once again the regal swans demand The Prince Drakeís time
He gave all they required
(stealing all the time thatís mine)

The saddest duck in all the world waddled out ashore
"If Iím not wanted in that lake, I wonít swim there no more."

I, roaming sad through winding lanes, am teased until I smile
I liked that place I did not know
So, I explored a while

Pulled - as if a magnet tugged
with I, the metal flake
(Not knowing what I searched for since that vision was opaque)

I there, he watching through my eyes,
we window shop the street
To corner of a cozy lane where all good friends would meet

Then right there at the corner shop it glistened through the pane!
A signet ring!
The Love Letter!
It symbolized his name!
ĎTwas there to be discovered tucked inside the velvet line
His Letter
Pure romantic
Was delivered at that time!
His Love Note
Rose gold glowed on shiny black shield of The Prince
I fell for it as I did him
One glance - I was convinced!

He watching - quite impatiently - to see what I would do
It fit as if Ďtwas made for me
"The way I was for you!"

Mysteriously delivered
His love note signed and sealed
Unlocked with black piano key -
Realityís revealed!

And then guitars were playing
Midnight blues - his song
I knew what he was saying -
He convinced me - I belong

Far across wide water waits Best Friend (to me, The KING)
"Though I look like a duck, he loves me more than anything -
Though I look like a duck, he loves me more than anything -
Though I look like a duck, he loves me more than anything."

I wear My True Loveís signet ring
Black gleam
Bright rose gold glow
It symbolizes everything
More than theyíll ever know
more than theyíll ever know
more than theyíll EVER know



Suzanne T. Dietz

For nearly the entire time of this experience
You have pulled me, pushed me, pulled me, then always pushed me away.
Every other word that has been mine you have discreetly shoved down someone else's throat so
You could pretend they are me.
It has happened far too much. It happens all the time.
Far too often...I wish that I could dissolve myself to avoid being dissolved by anotherís

I attempted Psychic Suicide...
my brain was slashed with my razor sharp tongue...
but, it doesn't seem to work...I bled almost to death, but
I'm still here
Here, to be insulted by these cases of
mistaken identity...
Those otherís are still around...where are you?
Inside, with me (as usual)...but outside with them...OF COURSE!

That's where you want to be.

When I was at my seat lifting a slithery purple dancer onto the top of my head...
When I danced the green girl in the hazy air of the room twirling wide circles
to the beat of the music...
You saw me
in your mind's eye!
When five times that year we played giddy with the magic within the same great big rooms...LIVE!
I thought then that you loved me. Really, truly loved me.

You told me that I was delusional...
You told me that I was gullible.
But, I believed you any way, every way, anyway...
I always believed you...

"Do you believe me?"
Yes, YES! I believe you!
Is there any reason that I should not?

"Turn back and wake up!"
I am awake. Where else is there for me to go?
I pulled as far back to me as I could reach.
You were there...with her...and she gloated about it.

Because, I love you so completely...back then so unconditionally
I say back then because back then I was idealistic about love...especially divine love...then...
there is something about
Divine Love that
evokes, naturally, I was idealistic about you and I...I thought I could give more
than was required of me...
I've changed my tune considerably about that unconditional SHIT...
I have since imposed conditions...lots of them...
(if you can impose ridiculous conditions, my dear, well, so can I!)
But, back then...I ripped away at any conditions that might create a discomfort zone between us...
Out of courtesy for you and your fragile tenuous lifestyle (of course)
I did not, I do not, want to burst your bubble...
I, for one, certainly didn't want to be considered inconsiderate of your special needs
After all, you are special...your needs must be at the very least equal to or exceeding your specialness
(at least, that was the impression I was getting from you)

"Do you have any idea who it is that you are talking to? Do you?"

Remember when you acted hoity-toity with me that way? Hmmm?
I knew darnn well who I was talking to! To be perfectly honest with you, I did not fucking care.
So you sent your hoity-toity friends to convince me and I wasnít impressed...their shit stinks just like everybody elses matter what they might think...
I did not care one iota...
All I cared about is how you were treating me. And you were very, very hateful to me, Mister! Very, very hateful!
I am not going to put up with that kind of shit from you. I did not, do not, and will not deserve abuse from you.
I use to think it was all my fault. Mea culpa, mea culpa, mea maxima culpa.
But I have since realized that you, my dear, are just as responsible for this confusion as I have ever been.

Perhaps even more so.

Among others.

But I have a big heart for you and I found myself understanding more and more about it and after a while I realized that
I forgave you.

I opened myself up. Allowed myself to be vulnerable again.
I was completely receptive to the song and dance numbers that you were playing for me.

"Gee, Honey, theyíre playing another one of Our Songs again!"
They were always, Our Songs. Who elseís could they possibly be? This is Our Psychodrama that theyíre playing.
This is Our Lovestory that theyíre telling.
These are Our Skeletons that they were (and still are) rattling around in Our Closet.

Hey! Those skeletons were locked in the closet for a reason, godammit!
Who had the fucking audacity to expose those skeletons?

They lied and told me that you did it!
You lied and told me that she did it!
She hasnít actually told me anything that I can actually blame her for, because
she doesnít seriously know much of anything about any of this...
she thinks itís some reoccuring weird dream that you suffer from...
She doesnít know the truth of any of this, so you didnít want me to know the truth of any other this...

"Itís only fair", you said, "She doesnít know, so why should you?"

You wanted to keeps things balanced...especially since that year when my sun sign progressed into Libra.
You wanted to help.

How generous of you to help confuse me even more than I already was to start with.

Except for, of course, when you disguised your voice and you pretended that you were her and made her into the most vile creature in all the universe...
but then you confessed that was really you
If she only knew all the bad stuff you say to me about her, she would really hate you
You say all the bad stuff you feel about me to me, so I think
that is some strange kind of honestly
At least youíre not talking about me behind my back.

Everybody in the whole wide world seems to know when youíre hating me.

And you tell everyone that you love her.

Itís only me you tell in strict confidence that there are many, many times you hate her even more than you hate me.

Now, of course, Iíve divulged youíre dirty little secret about how
youíre feelings for her are shallow in comparison to how
you pretend them to be.

Now that Iíve revealed something that isnít anybody elseís business, will I now become famous like all the others have who have blabbed the truth in a poem?
I fucking doubt that, but I donít fucking care.
They wave my fucked up life around like a flag then use it to wipe their asses after they take a shit.
It came so fucking easy to them.
So fucking easy.
To you it came hard.
To me, it has been impossible.
For them, though, it came easy.
So I donít fucking care about them anymore.
I do not fucking care.
They got more then they ever needed. More than they deserve.

But she...she is gullible.
More gullible than me.
And happy, happy, HAPPY because she is with you and life is good!
Her happiness nauseates me because I am so
miserable without you.
You said that you "can pretend with her" and you can...
anytime that you choose to, but
Pretending with her is quite different then youíre pretending with me, because with her it is really pretending, huh.
With me, it is almost like real.
Almost...but not quite enough when
We make love.
I want that to be more real.
I want to actually kiss you. I want to touch skin. I want more than it has become...
as much and as realistic as it has become it is still not real enough to make me
happiest than I have ever dreamed of being.

You cry with me about this sometimes and tell me that you want that too.
What is the matter here? Why are we still apart?
I think
too much that it is because
you think that it would make her unhappy to lose you, even for a minute, to me
But, when you are making love to her
and pretending that she is me, has she not already lost you to me
Long, long, long, long, long, long ago?

Did I not leave him behind when I realized
what a horrible mistake I had made in thinking that he was meant for me!
Was that not a laughable comparison!
He could never even recognize your shoes much less slip into them.
But when you slipped into him to be with me I was with you, not him...
I had to leave...too late, always seems like itís too late...
but it wasnít really that late...I escaped as soon as it was safe to...
because I could not tolerate...for not one more uncomfortable moment...
his being anywhere near us
and his being between us was completely

He did not belong there. How in the hell did he get there in the first place?

God must have really hated me to have done that to me.

All of this has, of course, been taken into consideration when I considered all of this.

So, when the doubt slapped me senseless, I told myself that
"it's only doubt trying to pull us back down to the pit...
My True Love says that he really loves me. "

Of course you said that you hated me too, but
after I stopped crying hysterically about that, I would push that evil though out of my mind and remember that
you did say that you love me and I always prefer to believe that you do
even when Iím convinced down deep in the center of my soul that you do not
because if you really did,
I would not be writing this poem right now,
now would I?

Anyway, I still think that you love me in spite of all
these mysterious misunderstandings.

Here I go, lying to myself about all of this!

I've lied to myself once again.
Then later...much too much later...I discover...much to my say:
"She is THE One
(now, this THE One is a different THE One then the other THE Oneís that came before her)...
because...she was there ."
Just because she so happened to be there!
So fucking what!
A lot of other people were there! A LOT!
But...OBVIOUSLY...I DON'T COUNT! you...I am invisible!
You make fucking certain I stay that way too.

But let's analyze this phenomena, my dear...
Was she:

Everywhere? Was this other fucking she EVERY WHERE THAT I WAS?

If you pretend "YES!" then...
Here you go, lying to yourself about all this!

You've lied to yourself once again.

I thought that you accepted that I was a surreal immortal princess trapped inside of a mortal human.
I thought that you loved me anyway.
But, now I recognize that you prefer mortals who appear to be princesses even if they really are nothing more than trolls in disguise.

I searched for you on the internet and itís weird how so many people have your name,
but I found you amongst the many who were there to confuse me one way or another.
Believe it or not...I am there too!
Hidden amongst the many imposters who have implied that I am a doctor, a lawyer, maybe even an indian chief...
I got bored and stopped searching for me when I discovered I was a nun in someplace in Wisconsin
teaching religion.
How ironic!
But my poems are there...under my name
(the name I got from him.
I could have taken my maiden name back but that name brought me bad luck two times when I didnít expect it at all.
I figure, if I start out with what I think might bring me bad luck...
such as I might expect from using his last name rather than the surname given to me by my father...maybe...just maybe
it wonít be my last last name afterall...
Maybe, just maybe,
all those proposals of marriage you have inundated me with over the last few years
will evolve into your deciding that
you really are serious about it
and my real last last name will be the one that you give me when you give me yours.

I like the sound of it.
It sounds like music to me when I whisper it to myself in secret.

Anyway...these cases of mistaken identity have made us both somewhat manic suppressive...

Suppressive equals depressive equals sadness about it all being so seemingly impossible to discern...but it isnít.

You know who I am.
You know where you can find me.
When you make your secret telephone calls I donít pick up the phone because
I know that you do not want me to,
but most of the time
I know it is you calling...
You know that I know.
You know who I am.
You know where you can find me.
When youíre ready to knock at my door, in person, you know that I will be here.
You will make quite certain of that...
of that, I am quite certain.

When and if the time ever comes.
When and if.
Until then, I will hate every one that you squeeze into my shoes...they are my shoes
and I hate it when you squoosh other woman into them.
I want to gnarl everybodyís feet so that you arenít tempted to do it

Please donít replace me

confusing disillusion

Please donít replace me



Suzanne T. Dietz

In The Garden there It stood,
The Tree,
Discerning Bad from Good;
The fruit was ripe,
Warmed by the sun,
I reached and plucked the closest one.

I took a bite, it tasted good,
Much sweeter than I thought it would,
Beneath a bough of leafy shade
Devoured The Knowledge 'twas forbade.

New emotions heaved my chest,
My heart was pounding 'neath my breast,
I looked around and realized,
How much was hidden from my eyes.

When I spoke, the words I said,
Much different then those in my head,
The Truth revealed, was right then lost
then so was I
that was the cost.



Suzanne T. Dietz

if it were not for the fact that i love you
that i try to
if it were not for the fact that no where else
in any other land
that people just like you and i exist
with such a weight
i do not think that i would ever
..nor hesitate...
to scream out "bloody BLOODY!"
just as loud as i could scream
just like in the early years
when waking in that dream
i saw with my own bloodshot eyes
the visions on the wake
behind the ark that brought me to the dock to meet heartbreak

if it were not for the fact that i really care
that i try to give and take
if it were not for the fact that itís you and i
whoís coping with heartache
itís only you and i who must exist
with such a stake
a wooden stake into our hearts
itís more then we can take

i stand here at the crumbling cliffs
aware what i have missed
cherishing the memory
weíve closed our eyes and kissed
at the edge reminded though
that i am not a saint
blatantly reminded of
those many things
i ainít

i just donít know what hurts me the most:
the past
present when
forced to trace a flaunted face that shows up now and then...
as if i didnít know that i
in no way can compare
anything about me real to that girl glowing
yet another perfect form you push into my face...
another cue...
sheís lovely...true...
my jealousy: so bare

condemmed to be your butt of jokes
though sensitive, i laugh
instinctively i know, my dear...
you are the better half...
but is it necessary to remind me of this fact
is it a plot
a plan
a quest
for you to always act
as if there is somebody who
could love you in my way...
just let her try to wear my shoes...
here...squeeze in!

those shoes would pinch anotherís toes till hobbled in a heap
then she will be the one who wakes up
crying from her sleep

give her the terror and the taunts
give her the torture and the haunts
give her the cruelty and flaunts
give her debauchery...
take back that shit from me...
you left more then iíd ever need
i stake no claims...i have no greed
take back that fucking demon seed
that grew up like a twining weed
itís choking

you wonder why i am a bitch
you wonder why
you wonder why
you wonder

if it were not for the fact that i love you
that iím trying to forgive
if it were not for the fact that i do believe
that no one else could live
with the weight you carry in your heart
that heavy lead
that heavy weight of me curled in a ball
so heavy...
and how i really know that no one else could bear that weight
for if they had been cursed as you
they would not hesitate
to scream out "bloody bloody BLOODY!"
loud as they could scream
and pray to god all day and night
to wake them from
the trap of their dream



Suzanne T. Dietz

the truth stepped out...smiling...walking side by side laughing...the story opens wide...chapter and verse quoted with certainty...memories shared...the impossible occured...the waves roll in one after the other...the shallow water is the threshold to depths never known...the truth stepped out bravely...called to the pillow from the shiver of fear...with god to bear witness the dove circled overhead...when the demon ran for ammunition angels staunchly stood on trembling shoulders as the announcement was made...orders were given...the warnings and the promises ringing in Our ears like gongs and silver bells...foretelling the horrors that would rise from the lies to smother us until there was no life left to feel in living I SAY! Run!...then The Truth ran off screaming as the truth of the lies moved in too close...closer...closer...until lies disguised as truth covered over us like an itchy blanket that We could not kick away...You knew and I di!
dnít...I knew and You didnít...We learned nothing at all from the horrifying experience except that perdition means ruin...and...We are spirit...all that We were...all that We are...all that We could have been...all that We could yet be it trembles shaking in the wake of the grand deceptions...swirling around both of us...shrill scream silent in a tempest of treachery...spinning to kill...from different directions...from different places...from seemingly different persons...for different reasons...all for the same selfish purpose...I expected none of it... throughout it all...that...the truth would emerge again triumphant...with trumpets sounding...and...angels shouting ĎTurn back! Wake Up!" But few heard....they just werenít listening...they were too busy rocking and rolling to Our secret love songs into the minds of everyone in the universe...breaking the spells of despair upon despair...lack of care...heaped high...higher...highest...imaginary stone monuments marki!
ng the places where all that I have ever loved was annihalated!
...has a
nyone ever hurt this much for this long?...I doubt that...We know all about doubt donít we, my secret friend...I say doubt ruined did the two cases of mistaken identities where I tried to conjure the impossible...I tried to make them was a social experiement that was doomed to failure...donít was stupid of me to attempt it but I was one can be one except yourself...doubt ruined us when You chose to make her Me...modeling her inner personality to mirror mine...she will never be Me...NEVER!....I will never be as beautiful as her and she will never have my imagination...but, beauty looks good on a manís arm...imagination is reserved for behind closed doors...everything is wrong now...even all that use to feel right...why...why ask why anymore...what does why even matter when nothing can be explained...the damage has been done...can something so damaged be repaired or replaced? one can take your place in My one.!
..does she fill the empty place of Me?...she seems to do a good job of it from where Iím looking...but does she?...does she make a better Me for You than I could have ever been?...sheís played My part for You for a long long You it doesnít matter any more...she plays her part well that the edges between her and Me blur...looking back to where I just came from I see all that I left behind to be cared for while I was gone is now in ruins..."perdition" You say...perdition means ruin...that is most definitely the proper word...I know that is the case on the path Iíve been traveling...your path appears so fine...but look around at the people who stand on the roadside staring at You...they pretend to your face...they pretend to know...behind your back...the truth be told...if push would ever come to shove...only one of them would even give a shit...that one person would be it is well disguised...perdition has touched your life too...We !
both know that it high and as wide as You have stretc!
is only part of what could have been...You look around You and You think..."itís more than enough" very true...but...where am I...Iím a picture in the back of your mind...a voice in your head...You thrash about inside yourself trying to fit it all together as if your life is a puzzle and the pieces donít quite fit as they should...where am I?...Iím all your missing pieces!...but there is no room for Me in your life...itís crowded with what you want...all the open spaces have been filled with...with...with...what? ashes are evidence of ruin...look around Me...I scatter ashes everywhere while Iím smoking Myself to death...where do I go from here...Iím at another fork in the road and all roads lead to You...but Iíll be turned back at the gate because Iím not dressed appropriately...where do I go now...Iíve traveled the paths of foregiveness...forgetfulness... they were difficult roads to walk...I had to open My mindís eyes so wide... so wa!
snít easy to really wasnít...most of the time I say I forgive the fact is that Iím so indifferent because I forgot...when I do remember itís difficult to forgive...who would?...Once I saw how all the pieces of My life fit together and how it fell apart I was angry...I discovered...much to My horror...I could despise...I discovered I could be supicious...Iíve know terror...why I had to travel the entire distance of that path...I donít know...why Me?...In these shoes? I donít want to ever backtrack in that direction...I learned a lot from that walk...I learned that I should have packed a lunch...but I had no clue that Iíd be gone that long...I know other things too...things I canít ever repeat...perhaps it is much more than I ever needed to know...certainly it seems that it is more than You ever wanted Me to know...but...You felt compelled to tell Me those truths...I know it was not easy for You to confess to Me all that You already hear it co!
me from You...I was devastated that You were so aware...but I !
never li
ed to You about it...You know the truth of it all and You know that I never lied to You about anything...I hope that You know that You can trust Me now... somehow...someday...if doubt doesnít strangle and choke it to yet another long slow death...who knows?...Me and You!...from the outside We appear to be mismatched...but We know how well meshed We are inside ourselves...nothing could be more perfect...yes your friends would all hate fucking what! has been could be worse...I donít care what they may think about Me...what do they know about Me?..nothing...We use to pray...all the time...but then You lost faith in the presence of God...for a while there I thought God actually died or dissolved or something equally gone...but maybe...I donít know...I hope he shows up someday...I have a lot of far as I know Weíre on Our own...You and what do We do?... I still believe that there is a light at the end of this long the!
far off distance...maybe closer than that...We can barely perceive it but it is there...but with every light that We shimmer there is someone waiting to extinguish it...I pretend that We are lanterns in that dark place where We roam in Our nightmares...We were told that Our flame was ignited by the hand of God and that all the winds of the world could not blow it You conjured up a hurricane to give it your best shot...and then You struck the match to rekindle the flame...not he...not they...I blew it out angrily...filled with remorse and anger that you turned on me like you did...then I struck the match and You snuffed it out viciously...You relit...I relit...light and dark...dark and light...sin and forgiveness...back to back...back and forth until we dared to turn face to face but not close enough to face our own know what I mean...then all of a sudden when it just couldnít seem to get any worse it began to get better and better and I began to hav!
e hope again...there is a flame that burns for us...itís our l!
ight and
even during our darkest hours it was there..and time with that light has helped me understand why why we have been walking on this long rocky road for so long now and why we walked through long shadows of the valley of immoral inhospitality...where I had stumbled...where you had stumbled...and My bodies are hidden beneath old coats and tattered rugs...We walk on by...I just donít want to talk about it anymore...I just donít want to think about it anymore...Iím all talked out of condeming and blame...Iím all thought out about comprehending the much can a person cry...will I ever be able to stop crying...yes! surprisingly there is a pill that works for that! do You even care? You didnít but I believe that you do and. all I want is for You to hold Me...really really really hold Me...close...tell Me to My face that everything is all right and that Youíve completely forgiven Me for being stupid stupid stupid...Iíve long ago forgiven You...I canít hold !
You responsible for any of this...turn on the radio and listen...everyone is telling Our story...everybody knows but nobody knows that it is all about us...You and could they tell...nothing is all hidden...but even though they sing about it all...they donít even care...nobody gives a shit about You or Me or what We are We walk along the rocky road...just like We always have...invisible to the naked eyes of the inquisitives who wonder who We really We wander by along the rocky road...on Our walk towards home...where ever that may be wearing our trusty old shoes.