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The Web Poetry Corner

Paul Curtis

of

Woking, England, UK

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ALONE

by

Paul Curtis

Tears stung her eyes
And her voice cracked
As she remembered
Her loss hung heavy
Since he, what?
Even now she can’t say it
Could not utter the word
Euphemisms fill her head
Crossed over, left the world,
Gone to a better place
He’s in the next room
Passed away
Other people can say dead
But she cannot
Seven years have passed
Since it happened, her loss
And she lost so much
A husband, lover, friend
Partner, confident
Soul mate
And even now it hurt
Though the wound
Is an old one
It is still unhealed
Still vivid red, angry
Time is a great healer
They said to help her
To comfort her
But she thinks they lied

WHAT DOES IT TAKE

by

Paul Curtis

Does it take the fuller figure?
To help you pull your trigger
Or is it those who kiss and tell
You require to ring your bell
Or does it take a total bitch
To really flick your switch
Perhaps its nurses on the ward
That actually pulls your cord
Is it lamb that’s really mutton?
You need to push your button
Must they wear the briefest thong?
To make you bang your gong
Ought they dress in something tight?
To really light your light
Must they act all prim and proper?
To help to pull your stopper
Must they wiggle when they walk?
To make you pop your cork
The truth is, unless I miss my guess
They need only answer yes

I COULD NOT WEEP

by

Paul Curtis

I could not weep
As I sat at his side
His hand once as strong as atlas
Now to weak to grip
Weak like a babe
More so

I could not weep
As I watched the frown
Furrowing his weathered face
Grey, expressionless
And as his frown faded,
As the morphine takes control

I could not weep
As he lays motionless,
Breath shallow
Silent, almost
But for the occasional groan
Beneath the morphine

I could not weep
At his deathbed
As the monster within
Crept through his organs
Hastening the end
For him and for itself

I could not weep
As his muscles relaxed
And the pain was no more
As he exhaled his last
And his soul passed
When he was at peace

I could not weep
Not because it wasn’t macho
Nor for lack of love
It was perhaps numbness
Or a need to be strong
For family, others

I could not weep
Not when he was diagnosed
Nor when he released his grip on life
Not even at his funeral
I could not weep
When my father died

IS IT URGENT?

by

Paul Curtis

I awake unwell with swollen glands
With fevered brow and sweaty hands
I shake and shiver and cough and sneeze
I sweat and flush and choke and wheeze
I mutter and mumble and grunt and groan
As I struggle downstairs to find the phone
I first call work to let them know
To the office today I will not show
And then the doctor’s line I dial
A stern voice answers in a while

"What name"? Is the curt response?
An appointment please I say at once
Well is it urgent? She retorts
Well I’m not dying just out of sorts
You can see a doctor in three weeks time
I hope to be better by then I chime
Shall I book you an appointment then?
No if I’m not better I’ll call again.
But I'll say to you without offence
If I’m still ill in three weeks hence
I’ll eat my hat till I eat my fill
For I will never have been so ill

IS THIS ART?

by

Paul Curtis

Martin Creed or Damien Hirst
Collins, Gormley which ones worst
A pickled sheep in formaldehyde
A light goes on and off inside
The truth about salt and paper crumpled
Painting by numbers and things untitled
A pile of bricks an unmade bed
Is this art or is art dead?

BOWES PARK 1920

by

Paul Curtis

London’s north was once my home
Before the countrywide I’d roam
I dwelt in London’s north it’s true
In postal code N22
It’s forty years now since those days
And thing have changed in many ways
Take Tele-com's for examples sake
No direct dial calls could we make
No mobile phones or call waiting
No answer phones or message paging
The best time then to speak with friends
Was After 6 and at weekends
Even numbers then were differ-ing
No eleven digit number-ing
Numbers then were much more classic
Though lines did have a lot more static
The phones were much more practical
And not some fashion article
And we Answered calls with more panache
Not impolite nor curt nor brash
Wed Pick it up and say Hello?
Bowes park one nine two oh

ISANDHLWANA

by

Paul Curtis

In eighteen hundred and seventy nine
The British marched in ordered line
A January morning on the eleventh day
Over the Buffalo River they made their way
The British force Lord Chelmsford led
As on Zulu land his troops did tread
The Zulu king sees this as an act of war
With broken word and broken law
Lord Chelmsford then his force divided
General Pulliene to make his camp decided
At Isanhlwana the British camp was made
Pickets and defenses set against a Zulu raid
But after eleven days in the Zulu’s land
The British had to make their stand
The warriors then the camp surround
After exploiting any weakness found
The Zulu impi many thousands strong
Defeat the British in the ensuing throng
Over seventeen hundred souls are lost
As after the battle they count the cost
Also countless numbers of Zulu’s dead
How many wives and children left unfed?
An organized army of foot and horse
Suffers the worst defeat by a native force

MILLENIUM

by

Paul Curtis

Two thousand years to celebrate
Let’s make our plans don’t hesitate
We’ll build it big we’ll build it grand
On Greenwich Peninsula it will stand
An attraction great for us all to flock
On a theme of time? Perhaps a clock
What in their wisdom would they decide
To build beside the river side
What would they chose to mark the day
Well they got it wrong I’m sad to say
So what did they build to mark this date?
An attraction not even second rate
A site for visitors to stand and mock
A Ferris wheel and an upturned Wok

THE LONDON EYE

by

Paul Curtis

The London eye
Is a giant wheel
All white and bright
And made of steel
It’s slowly turning
Round and round
Offering views of London
Above the ground
Famous landmarks and
Sights dramatic
The nations history
Panoramic
Old visitors express
Sentiment
In children’s faces
Wonderment
But all agree
It’s worth the fee
To ride the wheel
The sights to see

ENVIRONMENTALLY FRIENDLY

by

Paul Curtis

Eco friendly products do they pay?
That’s what the manufacturers say
I have read on the weed killer lids
That it won’t kill any of your kids
And it won’t kill the family moggy
It won’t even kill the family doggy
But does it kill the weeds pray tell
No it just makes them a little unwell

ONE MANS FISH

by

Paul Curtis

One mans fowl
Is another mans fish
A skinny girl that’s
My ideal dish
I like them thin
And I like them lean
Because it takes a waif
To keep me keen
A skinny girl that’s
My ideal treat
For the nearer the bone
The sweeter the meat

MIXED RACE

by

Paul Curtis

He was a man from Coventry
And she was born in Brittany
But despite there nationality
They soon found similarity
They wed and found a flat to let
And they had a child named Violet
And when the daughter came of age
It was time for her to earn a wage
A model’s life is what she chose
But agents turned up a collective nose
The strangest thing had caused alarm
She only shaved beneath one arm

A WOMANS VIEW

by

Paul Curtis

Have you seen that bottle blonde?
She asks her friend to look again
If that girl doesn’t dye her hair
Then she must dye her roots then

A MANS VIEW

by

Paul Curtis

Have you seen that smashing blonde?
He asks his mate who looks a lot
What about her collar and cuffs
Do you think they match or not?

THE PERFECT WOMAN

by

Paul Curtis

The perfect woman
Doesn’t fart
Like a trumpet sounding
But rather it is released
Like she’s gently sighing

The perfect woman
Doesn’t belch
Out the word Bulawayo
But rather releases it
Behind her hand delicately

The perfect woman
Doesn’t sweat
Or anything like as vulgar
If they overheat
The darlings just perspire

The perfect woman
Doesn’t swear
Only shit and maybe bloody
If they stub their toe
Its sod it or even buggeration

The perfect woman
Doesn’t exist
They fart and blame the cat
They belch and blame the food
They sweat and blame the change
They swear and blame the man

DEAR LORD PROTECT

by

Paul Curtis

Dear lord protect
The soldiers on the line
And grapes upon the vine
The policemen on the beat
The homeless on the street
The elderly and the frail
The Transgressors in the jail
The young and the vulnerable
The well off and comfortable
Fire fighters at their station
Carers with their dedication
The judiciary and the medics
The believers and the sceptics
Those in planes and boats and cars
The planets and the stars
Crops growing in the soil
Those hard about their toil
The river, the lake and the dam
The lion the wolf and the lamb
The animals on the farm
Protect them Lord from harm

KING OF LOVE

by

Paul Curtis

The king of kings lord in heaven above
Holds the power in His kingdom of love
Not love of power but the power of love

FROM THE SHADOWS

by

Paul Curtis

I stood in the shadows
As I had often done before
Out of sight, to see yet be unseen
To look upon that vision of loveliness
She talks with friends in the gardens
Unaware of me
Her skirt was long and green
From high waste to ankle low
Her crisp blouse of white
Enhanced to elegance of her neck
The long sleeves encasing her slender arms
Covered her fine boned wrists
Her hair was red
Red like burnished copper
Thick and full bodied tied back at her nape
Her eyes were the hue of polished emeralds
In a setting of perfect pale skin
No jeweller could ever hope to equal
Her mouth pale lipped, strong yet sensitive
When transformed into a smile
Illuminated her countenance
As if a light had been switched on
Perusal of every inch of her delicate frame
Returned echoes of a cultured creature
Dressed in the finest Edwardian elegance
More than a class above me
I step from the shadows
Returning unseen to my duties

I WANT, I NEED

by

Paul Curtis

I want, I need, a woman to look at me
Just a glance
The way Sha’uri looked at Jackson
In "Stargate"
A look of passion
Of want and desire
Telling me all
In that one look

I want, I need, a woman to smile at me
Her face to light up
The way Donna Reed smiled at Jimmy Stewart
In "it’s a wonderful life"
A smile of passion
Of want and desire
Telling me all
In that one smile

I want, I need, a woman to love me
Come what may
The way Greer Garson loved Coleman
In "Random Harvest"
A deep enduring love
Wanting and desiring
Answering all my doubts
In that all consuming love

I want, I need, to be in love with a woman
But no ordinary love
Special like Bogey and Bacall
Tracy and Hepburn in life and on screen
I want to see my love
Reflected back in her face
Reflecting want and desire
Telling all
In that requited love

THE FIRST TIME

by

Paul Curtis

The first time I took her hand
It trembled faintly
Yet noticeably
Like a wild birds fluttering heart
In the hand of its captor
The first time I kissed her
Her heart raced
And when I touched her skin
I felt her pounding heart
Through my fingers
The first time we made love
Was the first time
For us both
And in our passionate embraces
Our senses were over loaded
The first time
Became many times
Though we are older now
The passion is stronger
Our senses fine-tuned
We are one, soul mates
We share the same shadow

MUMMY’S LITTLE ANGEL

by

Paul Curtis

A little blonde girl comes home from school
Very exited with news for her mum to submit
"Mummy, mummy today we learnt how to count
The others got to five but I got to ten good init
"Yes darling, very good, what a clever girl
You’ve done ever so well I have to admit"

"Is it because I’m blonde mummy?" "Yes darling,
Its because your blonde", "yes it is mummy isn’t it"

Next day the girl comes home from school
Very exited with news for her mum to submit
"Mummy, mummy today we learnt the alphabet
The others got to k but I got up to z good init
"Yes darling, very good, what a clever girl
You’ve done ever so well I have to admit"

"Is it because I’m blonde mummy?" "Yes darling,
Its because your blonde", "yes it is mummy isn’t it"

Next day the girl comes home from school
Very exited with something for her mum to see
"Mummy, today we went swimming, and well,
All the other girls are flat chested but look at me!"
She proceeds to show her breasts to her mum
"Yes darling, you are a very big girl I can see"

"Is it because I’m blonde mummy?" "No darling,
"You have big breasts because you're twenty three"

SHIRTY

by

Paul Curtis

I saw a woman at a party
Wearing a printed T-shirt
She was well endowed
Twenty something bit of skirt
And the question "Guess?"
Was printed on the shirt
Thinking for a moment
"Implants?" I said quite curt

HOSPITAL CANTEEN

by

Paul Curtis

I’m sat in the hospital canteen
Where all of life can be seen
I look at people around me
With coffee’s or cups of tea
A couple are sharing a laugh
Are they visitors or staff?
A man sits staring into space
Red eyes in a tired drawn face
Is someone that he cares for
No longer with us anymore
Someone close to death or dead
Or worse terminally ill instead
Maybe he’s visiting a survivor
Or a new mum on the top floor
A lot of staff use the facilities
Doctors nurses or ancillaries
Is this a fresh day beginning?
Or a long night shift ending
There’s an outpatient I can see
Could be for xray physio or ENT
Two security men both partake
Drinking coffee and eating cake
A young paramedic wanders in
Buys a coffee and is gone again
Tables clear and are then refilled
By a group of men who build
So why am I sat here observing?
Its what I do when I’m not serving

MNSTROINEE

by

Paul Curtis

Just answer me this one
At any rate
Is alphabet soup wasted?
On the illiterate

AA

by

Paul Curtis

Why do they call it Alcoholics Anonymous
When the first thing they make you do
Is stand up in front of everyone and say
I am an alcoholic and my name is Sue

GOODBYE CHILDHOOD

by

Paul Curtis

You know you have reached the end of your childhood
When Christmas is a lot of work and Naps are good
When Saturday mornings are now just for sleeping
And Hitting girls is no longer considered to be flirting
When The only thing in your cereal box is cereal
And You only WANT clothes for Christmas for real
When your Driving the car its no longer any fun
You always wear a hat and have to keep out of the sun
You leave foot ball matches early to beat the crowd
And you don’t like concerts because they’re just so loud
You actually buy your self scarves, gloves, and sunscreen
And you think car insurance premiums are obscene
When being bad is no longer considered being cool
And you have friends who have kids who go to school
You saw the Star Wars movie when it first came out
Finally your parents' jokes are now funny without a doubt

AMAZING ANAGRAMS # 1

by

Paul Curtis

Anagrams can amuse
Boggle or confuse
Here are some selections
Discounted, Deductions
A Dormitory, A Dirty Room
School master, The classroom
Desperation, A Rope Ends It
Contradiction, Accord not in it
Animosity, Is No Amity
The eyes, They see
Snooze Alarms, Alas! No More Z's
Sadder, Dreads
Alec Guinness, Genuine Class

DARKEST BEFORE THE DAWN

by

Paul Curtis

The darkest hour
Is just before the dawn
So if you’re going to pee
On your neighbors lawn
That’s the time to do it

DAWN

by

Paul Curtis

The distant mountains
Pale in the mist
Reach up to the sky like children
Waiting to be kissed

As the sun comes slowly into view
It turns the vast sky blue
Birds awaken bright as the day
As if to chase the night away

SOAK AWAY

by

Paul Curtis

Candle’s scented flames
Set the tone
For a relaxing soak
In a stress free zone

In chin high water
Containing oil’s and bubbles
Aromatic and Exotic
Soaking away life’s troubles

Shelves piled high
With new age potions
Aromatherapy oils
And various creams and lotions

Such is the way
For girls like my daughter
Fragrantly soaking
In the deep foaming water

When I was young
Choices were limited frankly
To Radox crystals
And a bottle of Matey

SENILE VIRUS

by

Paul Curtis

Send the same email twice
Emails are sent blank
No emails are sent to the right person
I t makes you forward the mail back to the person who sent it to you
Libel to reply to people who mails you in error
Emails are sent to people you don’t know
Virus checkers quarantine your out going emails
I t makes you forget to attach the attachments
Read emails are deleted before you’ve replied to them
Unread emails are sent straight to the trash
Send the email before you've finished typing it

THE ANONYMOUS ENEMY

by

Paul Curtis

There is no black in the union jack
There is no white in the Rastafari
There is no brown in the British crown
There is no white in the consciousness
No ethnic presence in the establishment
No white voice in the consensus
There’s no black power neath big Ben’s tower
There’s no white vote in modern Britain
No black role models say the liberals
All the white ones are being discredited
There is no black amongst the black
But shades of brown from dark to light
There is no white amongst the white
But shades of flesh from light to dark
There is no black in the union jack
There is no white in the British isle
Black dwells too much on slavery and such
White looks longingly to halcyon days
Race hatred grows watched from the shadows
White against black, black against white
No black and white flinch from the fight
Hate spreads like fire fueled by the scourge
The scourge is black encouraging attack
The scourge is white urging on the fight
Inhabiting the middleness with wordy vagueness
Condemning both sides and supports them also
They feed the flames the people with no names
The anonymous enemy the liberal elite
They divide and conquer while making us suffer
They keep the battle on to hold onto power
The liberal elite are the real enemy to defeat
Ruling the world from the shadows
Ruling the middleness with political correctness
Accentuating our differences for hate
They are autonomous in there control of us
While creating the illusion of democracy
Freedom of speech is the lie they teach
If we speak against there view we are crushed
They control the wealth weald power by stealth
The anonymous enemy the liberal elite

HOLDING OUT FOR A HERO

by

Paul Curtis

A hero, a myth a legend
An idea? A tale or fable
With a grain of truth
And come the time
He will be there
At the right time
To rescue us all
What hero?
A name gently whispered on the breeze
Or shouted on the wind
Arthur? Robin? Horatio?
Heroes all
Our real hero, neither myth or legend
Not an idea or tale or fable
But is the truth
And come the time
He will be there
At the right time
To rescue us from ourselves
A name gently whispered in reverence
And shouted in rejoicing
A name embedded in our souls
Our lord god

DOCTOR LARDY

by

Paul Curtis

They used to call us fatty
Chunky or sometimes tubby
Euphemisms like sumo
Alternatively maybe chubby
However Political correctness
Has demanded that this must cease
So now the doctors just call us
All Clinically obese

NIP AND TUCK

by

Paul Curtis

Some people seek perfection
Something’s offend their vanity
Which leads them to decide
On bouts of cosmetic surgery

Breast enlargements, tummy tucks
Rhinoplasti implants and grafts
New procedures all the time
Techniques to test the surgeon craft

I don’t hold with it myself
Its something I have always felt
Never mess with Mother Nature
And play the hand you are dealt

HALF AND HALF

by

Paul Curtis

At the pub in the good old days
You could save a penny or two
By selecting the cheaper option
A pint of half and half would do
But in order to save your pennies
The desperate price you had to pay
Was that half came out of the pump
The rest came from the drip tray

PERVERTED PETE

by

Paul Curtis

Perverted Pete during a heat wave
While armed with a hand held fan
Would converse with all the girls
For Pete was that kind of a man
Whilst he engaged in conversation
Casually without being detected
He would aim the fan at her breasts
Until both of her nipples erected

DREAM EXISTENCE

by

Paul Curtis

We stumble through this life
Enduring disappointments
Unhappiness or misery
And our only defence against life
Are our dreams
Dreams of infinite possibilities
Happiness, joy
Being fulfilled
Having the perfect partner
The perfect family
The perfect life
But what if
Life is itself just a dream
And our dreams
Glimpses of our own realities

HE IS

by

Paul Curtis

He is the earth
The wind and the fire
He is the sun
That rises in the east
And sets in the west
He is the tree in bud
And the mare in foal
He is the rain that gently falls
He is the birdsong
And the cockcrow
He is the staff of life
He is the Son of God
The prince of peace

THERE

by

Paul Curtis

You are there
When I face adversity
And in times of conflict
When I encounter trajedy or loss
You are there
When I experience joy
And at times of happiness
When I feel pride and count my blessings
You were there
When my children entered the world
And at their baptisms
When they married and when loved ones passed
You are always there
Dear lord

PRAYER

by

Paul Curtis

I pray to my god
When my heart is full
And when it is empty
When I just need to speak
And when I need an answer
When I have joy to share
And when at my lowest
I pray to my god
Who always listens

VILLAINY BILLANY

by

Paul Curtis

Leonard Billany was a solicitor
Of the ambulance chasing sort
And he would go to any lengths
To get some poor soul into court
Now Leonard has earned himself
A reputation for barefaced lying
But when he lies its easy to tell
For its when his lips are moving

He took holidays abroad often
On profits of others criminality
Scuba diving in clear blue waters
Warmed to a tolerable degree
Sharks would never attack Leonard
While he swam beneath the sea
And the reason he was not attacked
was out of professional courtesy

Leonard Billany was a solicitor
Of the ambulance chasing variety
And to those who knew him well
He was simply known as "villainy"
But no matter how low he sank
Or twisted the system illegally
He had never sunk so low as when
He stood up as a political nominee

CAESAR’S WIFE AND THE CENTURION

by

Paul Curtis

In ancient Rome in a time quite unlike today
Of Ceasar's wife the people were heard to say
That she was beyond reproach and all believed
And never once did the people feel deceived

One day after many years serving the empire
A brave centurion now returned full of desire
After soldiering long and hard over land and sea
He was back in Rome seeking feminine company

Caesar meanwhile was neglectful of his wife
For him the empire was most important in his life
And while Caesar was away enlarging his empire
The soldier took his chance and lit the ladies fire

The couple however were very indiscreet, so
They were soon discovered Inflagrante Delicto
Well Caesar’s wife was beyond reproach before
But it’s only Caesar that thinks that anymore

VENTING HER SPLEEN

by

Paul Curtis

A young ventriloquist is working on the circuit of bars and pubs
Occasionally he manages to get a couple of evenings at nightclubs
Normally he will perform his act to a room full of drunken blokes
On one such night he’s doing his usual act including blonde jokes
When a big blonde woman in the front stands on her chair and says
"I’m sick to death of demeaning blonde jokes and your sexist ways
Tell me why does my hair color effect my worth as a human being?
Why do you stereotype blonde women that way its very demeaning?"
Embarrassed he began to apologize only getting out a word or three
"You stay out of this, I'm talking to that little bastard on your knee!"

FROM A DIFFERENT PERSPECTIVE

by

Paul Curtis

English is a funny language some would say it’s quite bizarre
Words can be masculine and feminine confusing what they are
The feminine of "Thingy" is any part under the bonnet of a car
While the masculine is that funny fastener on a woman's bra
For women Flatulence is an embarrassing by-product of digestion
While for men it’s a source of entertainment and even admiration
The Feminine of Commitment is a desire to marry and settle down
The Masculine: Not picking up other women while out on the town
Entertainment for a woman is a good DVD or a visit to a multiplex
For men it’s anything to do with drinking that then ends with sex

SMART MODE AGAIN

by

Paul Curtis

UFO’s are very like smart Models
And the thing they have in common
Is your always hearing about them
But no one has actually ever seen one

THE MALE ROLL

by

Paul Curtis

How many men does it take?
To change the toilet roll today
No body knows the answer
Because it never happens anyway

DISHING THE DIRT

by

Paul Curtis

I often wonder exactly how many
Honest, intelligent, caring men
It takes, In the world, to wash up
That will be both of them then

HOW DID HE MANAGE THAT

by

Paul Curtis

My boss is an unusual man
Would he were normal instead
I don’t know how he managed
Nor will I before I’m dead
To become a manager at all
He has certainly lost the thread
If he ever had the thread before
He is very unusual as I said
He never makes a decision
Or has plans of work ahead
Asked an awkward question
He goes a funny shade of red
Workers need to be managed
And also by their leaders led
He just stays in his office
With a look so full of dread
He’s not a happy kind of man
And his personality has fled
He only leaves his office
For Doom and gloom to spread
He’s a pitiful sight to behold
It’s an opinion held widespread
As I watch him Sat at his desk
He Looks Sickly and underfed
He is very much a figure of fun
By those below and overhead
He’s constantly at the mercy
Of His secretary Miss Whitbread
He’s the butt of many of her jokes
You might even say tormented
He she goes again to his office
Her habit clearly needs to be fed
He was startled by a knocking
"Mr. Conway?" Miss Whitbread said
"Your proctologist just called
It seems they found your head!"

RULES OF THE COSMOS - THE ITCH

by

Paul Curtis

The severity of the itch
As Physics will teach
Is directly proportional
To your ability to reach

FACTS OF LIFE - CONSCIENCE

by

Paul Curtis

According to my dear wife
It’s just a simple fact of life
A clear conscience is actually
Just the sign of a bad memory

SO SUPERIOR # 7

by

Paul Curtis

I feel so superior
To foreign visitors
As I know where to stand
When riding escalators

RULE BRITANNIA # 8

by

Paul Curtis

It’s great being British
And what it represents
As I’m not expected to skate
To my days appointments

FOREIGN JOHNNY’S # 3

by

Paul Curtis

Feeling superior to Johnny foreigner
Is not balderdash
As I don’t wake to find my garden
Covered in volcanic ash

EURO TRASH # 2

by

Paul Curtis

It’s really great not being a foreigner
As I don’t have to ask myself whether
The man with a feather in his hat is a forester
A customs man or a rural police officer

LAWS OF THE UNIVERSE # 12

by

Paul Curtis

There is a natural law of perversity
You cannot no matter the necessity
Successfully determine beforehand or ahead
Which side of the bread to buttered or spread

BLOODY FOREIGNERS # 3

by

Paul Curtis

I have found many reasons
Not to be foreign without doubt
Such as papers and magazines
With none of the bits cut out

HERO’S OF GREEK MYTHOLOGY - BELLEROPHON

by

Paul Curtis

Bellerophon was born the son of Eurynome and the God Poseidon
And was raised by King Glaucus who thought he was his own son
Bred in Corinth as the son of the most skilled horseman of the day
He was taught by his father from a young age the equestrian way
And as an equestrian student young Bellerophon was quite precocious
And from a young boy he had yearned to ride the magic horse Pegasus
Pegasus was the immortal offspring of the Gorgon Medusa and Poseidon
The winged horse was born when Perseus cut the head off the Gorgon
Like everyone else he’d been unable to so much as approach Pegasus
But undeterred Bellerophon sought the advice of the seer Polyeidus
It was suggested that he spend the night in the temple by Athena's idol
And in a dream, the goddess came to him and gave him a golden bridle
On the next morning he found Pegasus drinking at the spring of Peirene
And slipped the bridle over his head and tamed him without difficulty

After his success he went to King Pittheus to seek the hand of Aethra
And Bellerophon received permission from Pittheus to marry his daughter
But before the marriage could take place he accidentally killed a man
His punishment was banishment from Corinth after his confession
The young Bellerophon traveled in order to be purified of his sins
And was in due course absolved by King Proetus in neighboring Tiryns
The King's wife made a pass at the young hero, and when he repulsed her
She told her husband that it was Bellerophon who had tried to seduce her
Greatly upset, King Proetus feigning goodwill cloaked his indignation
And not wishing to harm his guest and violate the sacred obligation
But he contrived his revenge by asking Bellerophon to deliver a letter
On King Proetus’s behalf to his father in law King Iobates of Lycia
Bellerophon agreed to deliver it while not knowing the letters content
The message urged King Iobates to kill the bearer of the document
But Iobates was bound by the same strictures of hospitality as Proetus
Unable to comply he had to feast the hero and the winged Pegasus

Iobates decided that the solution to getting rid of his guest was to ask
Bellerophon on Pegasus to undertake many an heroic and deadly task
However the young hero Bellerophon's courage and archery skill
Combined with the winged Pegasus as a mount allowed him to prevail
In addition to his immortal parentage and his persistent sacrifices
His many acts of honor brought him the favor of Gods and Goddesses
His first task was to kill the terrible three headed fiery Chimaera
After Succeeding here it was the Solymi tribe he was sent to conquer
The neighboring Solymi tribe were King Iobates traditional enemy
Victorious he was sent to fight the Amazons and had another victory
In desperation King Iobates laid an ambush against Bellerophon
Using his entire army and the hero again triumphed killing everyone
After this defeat Iobates realized that the Gods favored the Corinthian
And that the Gods would not show such favor to a dishonorable man
Iobates made peace with him giving him half of his kingdom of Lycia
Including the most fertile land and the hand of Philonoe his daughter

Queen Stheneboea the wife of King Proetus and the attempted seducer
Was appalled on hearing that Bellerophon had married her sister
Knowing this meant her slander would be reveled she chose suicide
It appeared that our hero would live happily ever after with his bride
They were happily married and had two sons, Hippolochus and Isander
And two daughters, Laodameia and Deidameia in the kingdom of Lycia
As King his subjects loved him and his glorious deeds were widely sung
But all this was not enough for our arrogant hero King Bellerophon
In his arrogance King Bellerophon decided that he could ride Pegasus
To visit with the Gods and Goddesses high upon Mount Olympus
But Zeus quickly put an end to his ordacity by sending the gadfly
And it stung Pegasus sending both of them tumbling down from the sky
Athena spared his life by causing him to land on a soft patch of weed
He survived the fall but was crippled and there was no sign of his steed
He wandered the earth the rest of his life alone searching for Pegasus
No man would help him because of his offense to the Gods on Olympus
After many years of searching, the magical Pegasus was never seen again
Bellerophon died with no one to record his fate in some foreign domain

MILITARY LAW # 2

by

Paul Curtis

The buddy system is essential
To surviving in combat
Because it gives the enemy
Somebody else to shoot at

SIMPLY PHILOSOPHICAL # 1

by

Paul Curtis

The lion and the calf
Shall lie down together
But the calf will not
Get much sleep however

HERO’S OF GREEK MYTHOLOGY - ATALANTA

by

Paul Curtis

The birth of Atalanta daughter to King Iasus and Clymene begins our tale
But she was born into the world in the undesirable state of being female
Because of his yearning for a son and his disappointment with a daughter
He had her taken to the woods and left exposed somewhere in Arcadia

But for the fates intervention this could have been the end for her there
But they made it possible for the infant to be found by a passing mother bear
The gentle mother bear suckled young Atalanta until she became strong
Then the bear left her in a place where she knew hunters would come along

The hunters brought her up and as she grew older she hunted with them
She spent most of her time hunting and she was soon the best amongst them
As Atalanta grew in stature as a hunter she also grew up into a rare beauty
But she had no interest in men or marriage so she chose to keep her virginity

As well as skill and beauty, she could out wrestle men and was hard to catch
For example she beat Peleus who was to father Achilles in a wrestling match
And when two centaurs Rhoecus and Hylaeus attempted to rape Atalanta
She quickly killed them with her bow and arrows as she’d learned as a hunter

At the Calydonian Boar Hunt she drew first blood with an arrow from her bow
It was prince Meleager of Calydon however who delivered the mortal blow
He was so infatuated with her that he gave her the trophy of the boar’s skin
And such a row ensued it resulted in the death of Meleager and his mothers kin

She loved hunting and the outdoors and had no use for a man in her life
And she felt she had more to offer the world than she would as a wife
Her reputation grew as a great warrior and especially her skill with a bow
Atalanta was so well respected she even sailed with Jason aboard the Argo

She did enough in the world that her Father forgave her for not being a son
On returning home however her remaining a virgin was the only condition
Iasus agreed, but because of her great beauty suitors soon came knocking
And so the king soon changed his mind but Atalanta continued blocking

She finally consented to wed any man who could beat her at a foot race
Such was her fleetness that she was confident she’d finish in first place
As she was one of the fastest mortals her maidenhood this appeared to insure
As an additional deterrent the losing suitor would be beheaded by Atalanta

Atalanta laughed confidently because she knew no man would ever beat her
Also she knew the many executions would deter all but the most ardent suitor
The heads of the failed suitors stacked up and of course still they came to race
The vain, the arrogant, the brave but mostly the fool hardy lost the chase

Then one day a man came named Hippomenes and he was exceptionally smart
He knew he wasn’t fast enough but he fell in love with Atalanta from the start
Knowing he wasn’t fast enough to win he did what all frustrated lovers do
He prayed to the goddess of love Aphrodite for help with how he should woo

Aphrodite had a weakness for lovers and an intense dislike of virgins in general
So the goddess gladly gave him three Golden Apples which were irresistible
Along with the golden apples Aphrodite presented Hippomenes with a plan
In return Hippomenes was to sacrifice to Aphrodite when he was a married man

Hippomenes stood an the start next to the woman he loved holding the apples
Atalanta just sighed that such a good-looking man would die like the other fools
Pausing to give just one last prayer to Aphrodite and then the race had begun
He got off to a good start and apart from being intelligent he could also run

Soon Atalanta sped ahead of him so he threw the first of his golden apples
Slightly ahead of Atalanta and slightly off the track she found it irresistible
As soon as Atalanta saw it she desired it and had to stop to pick up the fruit
Hippomenes passed her with delight, praying to Aphrodite along the route

But Atalanta soon caught him and two-thirds of the way passed him again
This time Hippomenes through his Golden Apple deeper in the wooded terrain
As soon as Atalanta saw it she desired it and had to stop to pick up the fruit
Hippomenes passed her with delight again and still praying along the route

But Atalanta again caught him within sight of the finish line and passed by
This time Hippomenes through his Golden Apple ahead of her quite high
As soon as Atalanta saw it she desired it and had to stop to pick up the fruit
Hippomenes passed her with delight the crossed the finish line to win his suit

Despite her resistance once it was won marriage seemed to suit Atalanta.
And Hippomenes happiness and joy was so great he was devoted to her
Then one day he completely forgot his obligations to sacrifice to Aphrodite
When offending the gods the punishment was severe and vengeance mighty

Aphrodite waited until Hippomenes and Atalanta were passing Zeus’s temple
Aphrodite sent flaming desire coursing through the veins of the young couple
The pair then lay together in Zeus' holy temple and they spent their passions
Zeus was horrified at the profanation and turned the young couple into lions

VILLAINY BILLANY

by

Paul Curtis

CAESAR’S WIFE AND THE CENTURION

by

Paul Curtis

VENTING HER SPLEEN

by

Paul Curtis

FROM A DIFFERENT PERSPECTIVE

by

Paul Curtis

SMART MODE AGAIN

by

Paul Curtis

UFO’s are very like smart Models
And the thing they have in common
Is your always hearing about them
But no one has actually ever seen one

THE MALE ROLL

by

Paul Curtis

How many men does it take?
To change the toilet roll today
No body knows the answer
Because it never happens anyway

DISHING THE DIRT

by

Paul Curtis

I often wonder exactly how many
Honest, intelligent, caring men
It takes, In the world, to wash up
That will be both of them then

HOW DID HE MANAGE THAT

by

Paul Curtis

RULES OF THE COSMOS - THE ITCH

by

Paul Curtis

The severity of the itch
As Physics will teach
Is directly proportional
To your ability to reach

FACTS OF LIFE - CONSCIENCE

by

Paul Curtis

According to my dear wife
It’s just a simple fact of life
A clear conscience is actually
Just the sign of a bad memory

SO SUPERIOR # 7

by

Paul Curtis

I feel so superior
To foreign visitors
As I know where to stand
When riding escalators

RULE BRITANNIA # 8

by

Paul Curtis

It’s great being British
And what it represents
As I’m not expected to skate
To my days appointments

FOREIGN JOHNNY’S # 3

by

Paul Curtis

Feeling superior to Johnny foreigner
Is not balderdash
As I don’t wake to find my garden
Covered in volcanic ash

EURO TRASH # 2

by

Paul Curtis

It’s really great not being a foreigner
As I don’t have to ask myself whether
The man with a feather in his hat is a forester
A customs man or a rural police officer

LAWS OF THE UNIVERSE # 12

by

Paul Curtis

There is a natural law of perversity
You cannot no matter the necessity
Successfully determine beforehand or ahead
Which side of the bread to buttered or spread

BLOODY FOREIGNERS # 3

by

Paul Curtis

I have found many reasons
Not to be foreign without doubt
Such as papers and magazines
With none of the bits cut out

HERO’S OF GREEK MYTHOLOGY - BELLEROPHON

by

Paul Curtis

MILITARY LAW # 2

by

Paul Curtis

The buddy system is essential
To surviving in combat
Because it gives the enemy
Somebody else to shoot at

SIMPLY PHILOSOPHICAL # 1

by

Paul Curtis

The lion and the calf
Shall lie down together
But the calf will not
Get much sleep however

HERO’S OF GREEK MYTHOLOGY - ATALANTA

by

Paul Curtis

GIRLS WHO WEAR GLASSES

by

Paul Curtis

Its said "that men seldom make passes
At girls who wear glasses"
But what if the girl is wrapped within
Such soft velvet like skin
Or she is full of vitality and vigor
Or has an hourglass figure
With a pinched waist and curvaceous hips
Or moist pouting lips
Perhaps she has milky white thighs
Or maybe come to bed eyes
What if her blouse struggles to repress
Her large heaving chest?
Maybe she has a dazzling smile that wins
Or has long slender pins
Would men ask out girls who wore glasses
If they had really nice arses?

IF I REALLY HAVE TO GO

by

Paul Curtis

If I really have to go, as they say that I must
Into the keeping of God, my soul I’ll trust
If I really have to go, I won’t mind so much
Accompanied by angels, God’s hand I’ll touch
It’s not the going so much, as the manner I mind
If blessed with faith, you’re to the end resigned
It would be hard to bear, cut down by a stroke
Unable to move, paralyzed with my body broke
Facing living death consumed by cancer’s hand
Slow death seeping from every pore and gland
The brain slowly degenerating with Parkinson’s
Or the nervous system lost to Huntington’s
The grains of sand run through the hourglass
Wracked with pain and agony before you pass
Better for all when hearing the reaper creep
To close your eyes and pass within your sleep

STRESSED

by

Paul Curtis

I gave up the fags over a year ago
I miss them now so much you know
I’m overweight by over fifty pound
I’m getting old and getting round
My house is far too small to fit
And I have no money to extend it
I’m now leaving middle age behind
My face is really creased and lined
My hair shows age without a doubt
What isn’t Grey has now fallen out
With the same work for thirty years
Giving all, blood sweat and tears
I’ve hated my job I really have to say
But needs must at the end of the day
The job I hate I've been doing so long
Where oh where did I go so wrong
I should feel heartily depressed
All broken, strained and stressed
But life’s not so bad, God forbids
If you happen to have a wife and kids

ALL ABOUT EVE

by

Paul Curtis

ETIQUETTE OF THE CONFESSIONAL

by

Paul Curtis

Young Priest Benedict was nervous about hearing his first confession
So he decided to ask an old Priest, John to sit in on his first session
Young Father Benedict is happy when he heard his first one or two
However old Father John is concerned after hearing the first few
John says, "step out of the confessional to hear a few suggestions"
Benedict agrees hoping Father John will answer all his questions
John says "fold your arms in your lap or rub your chin with your hand"
John continues "try saying things like 'I see,' 'yes,' 'go on,' 'I understand"
Young Benedict repeats the words and adopts the pose requested
After practicing with Father John in the style that was suggested
John, nodding, patted Benedict on the back as he practiced once again
"Now, isn’t that better than shouting, 'wow... What happened then?'"

I NEED IT UP, YOU NEED IT DOWN

by

Paul Curtis

She cook’s and cleans
And keep’s things neat
And with five in the house
That’s no mean feat
There’s just one question
Though that has me beat
Tell me why can she never
Work the toilet seat

THE FATHER AND SISTER GRACE

by

Paul Curtis

A Nun and a Priest set off to cross the desert
On a camel to find nomadic souls to convert
On the third day out the camel dropped dead
They were left to the mercy of the sun overhead
The Nun and the Priest surveyed their situation
And spent some time in silent contemplation
After a long period the Priest broke the silence
"Well, Sister" he spoke with great assurance
"Things look pretty hopeless." He said grimly
"Yes, father, I know" She answered calmly
He suggested that they had maybe a day or two
The Nun concurred and tipped sand from her shoe
"My child, since we are unlikely to leave this place
Would you do something for me Sister Grace?"
"Anything Father, Whatever you ask is yours"
"I’ve never seen women's breasts, can I see yours"?
Though shocked at first she considered carefully
"I don't see why not," Grace said agreeing fully
The Nun opened her habit and bared her breasts
As the priest enjoyed them he had another request
"Sister would you mind if I touched them fondly?"
She then consented and he fondled them eagerly
She said, "Father, could I ask something of you?"
"Yes, Sister, what would you like me to do?"
"I have never seen a man's thingy could I see yours?"
"Well yes OK," he said unbuttoning his drawers
"Oh may I touch it?" she said after close inspection
The priest consented and soon had an erection
"This can give life if inserted in the proper place"
The priest said trembling to the young Sister Grace
"Is that true father?" "Yes, sister." Answered her peer
"Then stick it in the camel so we can get out of here"

COLOR MY WORLD

by

Paul Curtis

There are only seven colors in a rainbow
There are no other colors of which I know
Peach for example, is not a color but a fruit
So are Avocado, Pumpkin, and Plum to boot
I don’t know how you would categorize
Things like Sahara, Safari and even Sunrise
Fuchsia, Fawn or Oatmeal you can choose
And there’s Beige, Stone and similar hues
They’re not colors as I said from the start
So why do they appear on a color chart?

COMPUTER GIRLS

by

Paul Curtis

I have several reasons to believe
Computers are femininely technologic
No one but their own Creator
Can understand their internal logic
The smallest errors are stored
In memory for later retrieval
They’re expensive, unpredictable
Unforgiving and temperamental
They communicate nonsensically
In a language that no man has
The "Bad command or file name"
Message is as informative as
"If you don't know then I'm
Certainly not going to make you wise"
And as soon as you commit
You continue to pay to accessorize

MANLY COMPUTERS

by

Paul Curtis

Some reasons to believe computers exude maleness
Firstly they have a lot of data, but remain clueless
They are supposed to solve all of your problems
But most of the time they are the main problems
As soon as you commit to one, to your great surprise
Had you waited you’d have got a better one you realize
You have to turn them on to get their attention, right?
And power surges knock them out for the rest of the night

UP UP AND AWAY

by

Paul Curtis

A man is travelling high in a hot air balloon
He knows he needs to find his bearings soon
He has no idea at all of longitude or latitude
Realizing he is lost he decides to reduce altitude
While drifting low in the sky he looks below
He searches the landscape both high and low
For a kind stranger with a helpful attitude
Surely any assistance would earn his gratitude
He spots a woman below and calls down to her
"Hello there I appear to be lost as it were"
"Can you help me? I promised to meet a friend
An hour ago but I don’t know where to wend"
The woman from below replied pedantically
"You’re in a balloon hovering approximately
Between 39 and 40 degrees north latitude
And roughly sixty degrees west longitude"
"You must be an engineer," said the balloonist
"I am " she replied " what is your hypothesis?"
Well "Everything you said is technically exact
But I have no idea in what way I should act
The fact is I am still lost despite your tip
You’ve been no help at all and delayed my trip
The woman responded "You must be a manager"
"I am" replied the man "How did you conjecture?"
"Well" she said, "You don’t know where you are
Or where you are going whether near of far
You have risen due to a large amount of hot air
You made a promise and now you are unaware
How to keep it and you expect people beneath you
To help you solve all of your problems for you
The fact is you are in exactly the same position
As before but now I’m to blame for your situation

YOU KNOW YOU DRINK TOO MUCH COFFEE

by

Paul Curtis

You know you drink too much coffee when
You can sleep with your eyes wide open
When you can ski uphill on your snowboard
And you have to watch videos in fast-forward

You know you drank too many coffees
When your eyes stay open when you sneeze
You speed walk in your sleep till six o’clock
You answer the door before people knock

You know you're drinking too much caffeine
When you like to lick the coffeepot clean
If you haven't blinked since the last eclipse
And you chew on other people's fingertips

GO FISH

by

Paul Curtis

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day
But if you teach him how to fish, let’s say
He will sit in a boat and drink beer all day

COMPUTER MODEL

by

Paul Curtis

How can you tell if a Model has been using the computer?
There are many spots of Tippex on the screen of the monitor
How can you tell if her friend has used it while she’s away?
There is writing on the Tippex spots all over the display

LISTEN TO THIS

by

Paul Curtis

Married life is full of excitement and frustrations
In the first year the husband speaks and the wife listens
In the second year the wife speaks and the husband listens
In the third year, they both speak and the neighbor listens

SUSHI AT THE BAR

by

Paul Curtis

There is to be a new establishment to specialize in Sushi
For Legal Professionals only it will cater don’t you see
And when the restaurant open’s they will call it Sosumi

STRESS AT WORK

by

Paul Curtis

I have just witnessed a terrible sufferer of stress
I was just served by the most harassed waitress
She came towards us with a tampon behind her ear
Asking a friend "Where did I put my pencil dear?

THUNDERING MODE

by

Paul Curtis

Models always smile as bolts of lightning strike
But its not the thunder crashes that the models like
It’s only lightening that makes them strike a pose
They think their being photographed - I suppose

YES PROFF

by

Paul Curtis

A professor of linguistics was lecturing one day
"In English, a double negative forms a positive"
He paused for effect then he continued to say
"In Russian, a double negative is still a negative"
"However, there is no language" he began to recite
"Wherein a double positive can form a negative"
A voice from the back called out "Yeah, right."