The Web Poetry Corner
The Web Poetry Corner
Paul Curtis
of
Woking, England, UK
- ALONE
- WHAT DOES IT TAKE
- I COULD NOT WEEP
- IS IT URGENT?
- IS THIS ART?
- BOWES PARK 1920
- ISANDHLWANA
- MILLENIUM
- THE LONDON EYE
- ENVIRONMENTALLY FRIENDLY
- ONE MANS FISH
- MIXED RACE
- A WOMANS VIEW
- A MANS VIEW
- THE PERFECT WOMAN
- DEAR LORD PROTECT
- KING OF LOVE
- FROM THE SHADOWS
- I WANT, I NEED
- THE FIRST TIME
- MUMMY’S LITTLE ANGEL
- SHIRTY
- HOSPITAL CANTEEN
- MNSTROINEE
- AA
- GOODBYE CHILDHOOD
- AMAZING ANAGRAMS # 1
- DARKEST BEFORE THE DAWN
- DAWN
- SOAK AWAY
- SENILE VIRUS
- THE ANONYMOUS ENEMY
- HOLDING OUT FOR A HERO
- DOCTOR LARDY
- NIP AND TUCK
- HALF AND HALF
- PERVERTED PETE
- DREAM EXISTENCE
- HE IS
- THERE
- PRAYER
- VILLAINY BILLANY
- CAESAR’S WIFE AND THE CENTURION
- VENTING HER SPLEEN
- FROM A DIFFERENT PERSPECTIVE
- SMART MODE AGAIN
- THE MALE ROLL
- DISHING THE DIRT
- HOW DID HE MANAGE THAT
- RULES OF THE COSMOS - THE ITCH
- FACTS OF LIFE - CONSCIENCE
- SO SUPERIOR # 7
- RULE BRITANNIA # 8
- FOREIGN JOHNNY’S # 3
- EURO TRASH # 2
- LAWS OF THE UNIVERSE # 12
- BLOODY FOREIGNERS # 3
- HERO’S OF GREEK MYTHOLOGY - BELLEROPHON
- MILITARY LAW # 2
- SIMPLY PHILOSOPHICAL # 1
- HERO’S OF GREEK MYTHOLOGY - ATALANTA
- VILLAINY BILLANY
- CAESAR’S WIFE AND THE CENTURION
- VENTING HER SPLEEN
- FROM A DIFFERENT PERSPECTIVE
- SMART MODE AGAIN
- THE MALE ROLL
- DISHING THE DIRT
- HOW DID HE MANAGE THAT
- RULES OF THE COSMOS - THE ITCH
- FACTS OF LIFE - CONSCIENCE
- SO SUPERIOR # 7
- RULE BRITANNIA # 8
- FOREIGN JOHNNY’S # 3
- EURO TRASH # 2
- LAWS OF THE UNIVERSE # 12
- BLOODY FOREIGNERS # 3
- HERO’S OF GREEK MYTHOLOGY - BELLEROPHON
- MILITARY LAW # 2
- SIMPLY PHILOSOPHICAL # 1
- HERO’S OF GREEK MYTHOLOGY - ATALANTA
- GIRLS WHO WEAR GLASSES
- IF I REALLY HAVE TO GO
- STRESSED
- ALL ABOUT EVE
- ETIQUETTE OF THE CONFESSIONAL
- I NEED IT UP, YOU NEED IT DOWN
- THE FATHER AND SISTER GRACE
- COLOR MY WORLD
- COMPUTER GIRLS
- MANLY COMPUTERS
- UP UP AND AWAY
- YOU KNOW YOU DRINK TOO MUCH COFFEE
- GO FISH
- COMPUTER MODEL
- LISTEN TO THIS
- SUSHI AT THE BAR
- STRESS AT WORK
- THUNDERING MODE
- YES PROFF
- THE BEERY THEORY
- BRUNO
- PRIMITIVE MAN
- THE GENIE
- MOTHERS PRIDE
- RESTLESS NIGHT
- VASSILI THE WOLF HUNTER
- WHATS IN A NAME (19)
- WHATS IN A NAME (28)
- WHATS IN A NAME (43)
- LOVER
- PUZZLED
- THE GREAT LIES OF LIFE
- THE PORT OF CUBAN SPRITES
- DEATH BY CRABS
- RICHARD’S REPAST
- A STRANGER IN A STRANGE TOWN
- ASSOCIATIONS
- GRECIAN YEARNS
- SMOKING KILLS
- COCKNEY RHYMING SLANG
- WHO WHAT WHEN WHERE WHY (1)
- WHO WHAT WHEN WHERE WHY (11)
- WHERE
- WHAT
- WHERE IS
- WHEN
- WHATS IN A NAME (19)
- WHATS IN A NAME (28)
- WHATS IN A NAME (43)
- LOVER
- PUZZLED
- THE GREAT LIES OF LIFE
- THE PORT OF CUBAN SPRITES
- DEATH BY CRABS
- RICHARD’S REPAST
- A STRANGER IN A STRANGE TOWN
- ASSOCIATIONS
- GRECIAN YEARNS
- SMOKING KILLS
- COCKNEY RHYMING SLANG
- WHO WHAT WHEN WHERE WHY (1)
- WHO WHAT WHEN WHERE WHY (11)
- WHERE
- WHAT
- WHERE IS
- WHEN
- PAINT THE SKY WITH STARS
- LIVE BY THE CODE
- UPRIGHT CHRISTIANS
- START AS YOU MEAN TO GO ON
- THAT FIT’S
- STRIKER
- AROMATIC
- WHAT A RELIEF
- QUICKIES
- HEY WAYNE
- VERY HAPPY HOUR
- BEAMERS (ACROSTICS)
- ABSENTEE (ACROSTICS)
- LE TRAIN LATRINE
- ETERNAL QUESTION
- MARK ME ANTHONY
- IF IT’S A GIRL
- BEAR NECESSITIES
- SUMMER OF EIGHTY EIGHT
- THE BIRD WATCHER
- WHATS IN A NAME (42)
- ONCE MORE HENRY
- SWISS MISS
- RAMBLING’S OF A LONELY DRINKER
- IT’S A ?
- OUT OF THE MOUTH’S OF BABES - QUIET CLASS
- WINTER
- WHERE EAGLE’S DARE
- YOU CAN RING MY BELL
- TELEGRAM SAM
- WEATHER OR NOT
- MACBETH ON THE OCHEY
- LONGER
- WISE PROVERB
- NOSTALGIA AINT WHAT IT USED TO BE
- BETTER DEAD THAN RED
- NEIGHBORS FROM HELL
- BIMBETTE AND THE BUILDER
- LONGSTREET MAYBE
- PERFECT WOMAN
- MEN OF STATURE
- ROAD RAGE
- DENNIS ANYONE ?
- OUT OF THE MOUTH’S OF BABES -PRAYER
- YESH MUM
- OXYMORA MORE AND MORE
- CLEAR RICHARD
- LAWS OF THE UNIVERSE # 11
- BLASTED
- OXYMORA MORE
- PLAYING FOOTSIE
- I’M SO BAUD
- SLIDING OUT OF CHILDHOOD
- STAND IN’S
- TEX MEX RING DING
- FUN IN THE SUN
- WELL FAX ME
- MILITARY LAW # 1
- AIR HEAD
- TURN ON COUNTDOWN DEAR?
- YOU’LL LIKE THIS
- PROCRASTINATION
- IF AT FIRST
- IS SIZE IMPORTANT?
- DOLLY WOULD
- IF AT FIRST BRUCE
- YOU CAN’T PLEASE EVERYONE
- THE MAGIC MIRROR
- THAT RINGS A BELL
- SIMPLY PHILOSOPHICAL
- TACTICAL LAW
- DISPLAY CAUTION
- A WOMAN'S LOT
- HAND OF GOD
- MILITARY LAW # 2
- SEXY WEATHER
- LIAR LIAR
- CAP IT ALL
- VERY HEROIC
- HUMEROUS HUBBY
- CIVIL DEFENCE
- YOU DON’T SEE THAT EVERY DAY
- MAD DOGS # 1
- PLAYING FOOTSIE
- OXYMORA MORE
- GETTING OLD
- ILLUMINATING LOVE MAKING
- CURSOR
- DON’T TAKE A FENCE
- MANAGERIAL PHILOSOPHY
- SECRET INGREDIENT
- EGG FOR EGG
- DON’T LOSE YOUR HEAD
- SIMPLY PHILOSOPHICAL # 2
- SEXUAL POLITICS # 1
- SEXUAL POLITICS # 2
- GET THE JOB DONE
- IF ITS WORTH DOING
- THOSE WHO CAN
- TIME
- STATUS SYMBOL
- THE THING ABOUT SEX
- CULINARY LAW OF THE SEA
- BART HABIT
- GOOD POINT
- RICH OR NOT
- MILITARY LAW # 3
- WEDDING BAND
- UNFAIR CONDITIONING
- HOW MUCH
- 3G
- CIVIL DEFENCE
- FOUL PLAY
- CAREER PATH
- TWO SIDES OF WAR
- RHETORICAL EMERGENCY AGAIN
- DATE FATAL
- CHILD FATIGUE
- MODERN MALAISE
- RHETORICAL CHANCES
- SHIPPING
- AM I BLONDE
- FORENSIC RELATIONSHIP
- TOILET TRICK
- OLD SHOW
- LUVVIE
- ON THE BATTLE GROUND
- WIND
- CRIMSON SNOW
- GO CSO
- I REMEMBER
- GREAT BODYWORK
- WIND BREAKER
- SYMPHONIC NATURE
- NIGHT OWL
- ON THE BLOODY FIELD OF BATTLE
- THE PERFECT WOMAN
- FADS
- YOU’RE MINE
- SHE
- FROM THE MOMENT
- SCATTERED TO SHATTERED
- NO FAIR
- MEAL DEAL
- RED HOT
- I DO NOT LIKE THAT
- WHAT WERE YOU DOING?
- H-HOUR
- DO IT ON THE SIDE
- PET LOVER
- SCOUT ABOUT
- PLUMBING TIPS
- TONIE AND GORDIE
- FROM A TO B
- PATHLETICS
- SEXUAL DUTY
- ONE BORN EVERY DAY
- IN THE COMPANY OF ANGELS
- A STRANGER THAT I KNOW
- DREAM LAKE
- DANGER ZONE
- THERE’S SOMETHING ABOUT A CELLIST
- BORN WITHIN THE SOUND OF BOW BELLS
- COCKNEY COURTING
- DAGENHAM DIRT BAGS
- FLOCKS AND FLARES
- A ROCK AND A HARD PLACE
- MISSED OPERTUNITIES AND CONQUESTS
- IN THE CHAIR
- BROLLEY POLICY
- AN UNDERSTANDING GOD
- POINT OF VIEW
- A GOOD CHRISTIAN
- COMPENSATION CULTURE
- ACROSS THE VOID OF SPACE
- PEARLS OF WISDOM
- VENGEANCE WEAPONS
- REALLY ANNOYING DRIVERS
- THE BEST HOME SPUN TRUTHS
- NAMBY PAMBY NIMBY
- MISS TUNNEY
- OCTOBERNESS
- YES PRIME MINISTER
- RAP TRAP
- HEAT
- HE IS
- THERE
- PC
- PRAYER
- ODE TO TINA
- CUPIDS BEAU
- THE GOLDEN ORB
- I LIKE
- WHAT ARE LITTLE GIRLS MADE OF?
- BLOWN AWAY
- THE GREEN SEASON
- AFTER THE FUNERAL
- LATE
- AWOKEN FROM SLUMBER
- ANNE
- PICTURES OF LILY
- IT’S NOT MY AISLE
- RETURNING HOME
- UNDER THE CLOCK
- EVERY CORNER OF THE WORLD (1)
- DO’S AND DON’TS
- EVERY CORNER OF THE WORLD (2)
- A DAY AT THE RACES
- WHITE LADY
- UNAFFECTED
- I WANT TO LIVE
- BLOWN AWAY
- DANGER ZONE
- GOOSED
- WAY BACK WHEN (1)
- CAESAR FOR SOOTH
- BOWLED A BMW
- NEW ANGLES
- RICHARD’S REPAST
- WORKING WOMEN
- A CHRISTMAS WISH
- BALLOONING
- NATURE OR NURTURE
- GOD AND SCIENCE
- GOD ONLY
- NICE ONE HENRY
- JOBS FOR THE BOYS
- ZZ TOP
- GLOBAL WARMING?
- CHARLES THE MARTYR
- AUTOMATIC PHOBIA
- THE ARMENIAN HOLOCAUST’S
- SPANISH EYES
- WHEN WE WERE YOUNG
- LE BICYCLETTE DE BELSIZE
- REFLECTED GLORY
- GIRL IN THE WINDOW
- AFTERNOON DELIGHT
- MONEY FOR OLD ROPE
- THE YOUNG MONK AND THE ABBOTT
- LIFES A BEACH
- ONE MAN AND HIS DOG
- MEMORIES ON A GREY AFTERNOON
- I LOVE HER
- LIVING WITH SUCH A SPOILED BRAT
- ISLE OF LOVE
- IN THE EYE OF THE BEHOLDER
- PEARL OF WISDOM
- ROSES ARE RED
- MARRIAGE VIEWS
- SENNA MAN
- THAT’S BANANAS
- THE RUGGED ISLE
- IT’S A FUNNY OLD GAME SAINT
- PAYMENT IN KIND
- SWEET MAN
- DEPARTMENTAL MAN
- HIS NAME IS BOND
- MAKE UP MAN
- POPCORN
- SNOWMEN
- MELLOW YELLOW
- RUSH HOUR VIEWS
- THE X FACTOR
- GOTTLE OF GEER MUM
- ENGLAND COACH
- THE PLAZA FROM GAZA - AS SEEN ON TV
- GINSTER QUERY
- ALL AT SEA
- CHILDISH PRAYER
- STRIKE A LIGHT DAD
- SIX GOOD MEN
- TROUBLE AND STRIFE
- WORKMATE
- TESTING IDEA
- THAT LOOK OF LOVE
- INTERNAL QUERY
- MAKING YOUR HAIR CURL
- SOUP QUESTION
- SO TRUE
- DAREDEVIL # 2
- SENSUAL FRUIT
- DAREDEVIL # 3
- COOL PICK UP
- SENIOR DAREDEVIL
- POOCH POUCH
- PANIC ATTACK
- ACCIDENTAL INJURY
- DAREDEVIL # 1
- CAR LESS AND CARELESS
- ALL ABOUT EVE
- I DON’T THINK IMMANUEL CAN
- THATS RARE
- SAFETY FIRST
- REASONS TO BE A MAN
- YOU’RE NOT PERFECT BUT YOU’LL DO
- COMPUTER MODEL
- WOMEN'S ADS
- MEN'S ADS
- PARKING MODE
- EYE MODE
- DOES NOT COMPUTE
- EXCUSE ME MISS
- WAS JOHN HURT?
- TONIGHTS THE NIGHT
- UNIQUE
- APPEAR EDUCATED
- OOOOH
- INTOXICATING READING
- MUSIC COUNTRY
- DIVORCE, DIVORCE
- OH LOOK A FLY
- WEEKENDER BENDER
- MOBILE COMMUNICATION
- SEXLESS
- OUT OF THE MOUTH’S OF BABES - THE CHRISTENING
- OUT OF THE MOUTH’S OF BABES - THE LORDS PRAYER
- OUT OF THE MOUTH’S OF BABES - THE WEDDING
- OUT OF THE MOUTH’S OF BABES - DOWN ON THE BEACH
- THE WISDOM OF MY YOUTH # 1
- THE WISDOM OF MY YOUTH # 2
- THE WISDOM OF MY YOUTH # 3
- THE WISDOM OF MY TEENS # 1
- THE WISDOM OF MY TEENS # 2
- THE WISDOM OF MY TEENS # 3
- SILENT WISDOM
- PARENTAL WISDOM
- WISHING WELL
- UNCLE NORMAN
- WHO IS THERE
- KEEPSAKE
- TRESSPASSED
- RAPPED
- THE LOOK OF LOVE
- RULES FOR CATS TO LIVE BY - CHAIRS OR CARPETS
- RULES FOR CATS TO LIVE BY - THE BATHROOM
- PUT THEM ON
- FROM A DIFFERENT PERSPECTIVE AGAIN
- RULES FOR CATS TO LIVE BY - PAPERWORK
- YOU HAVE THE RIGHT TO REMAIN SILENTAGAIN
- RULES FOR CATS TO LIVE BY - READING NEWSPAPERS
- RULES FOR CATS TO LIVE BY - USING THE COMPUTER
- RULES FOR CATS TO LIVE BY - DOORS
- IT’S THE DOGS_.
- IT’S THE DOGS_. AGAIN
- TEN MINUTES LATE
- RULES FOR CATS TO LIVE BY - HELP WITH THE COOKING
- POLLIDAY
- BATTER ME ONE OF THEY MARS BARS
- THE SMART WISH
- RULES FOR CATS TO LIVE BY - READING BOOKS
- RELIGIOUS SHIT MAN
- RULES FOR CATS TO LIVE BY - HOW TO GREET A GUEST
- BILLY THE KID
- FINISHED!
- TO THE WOODS
- RULES FOR CATS TO LIVE BY - THE LITTER BOX
- RULES FOR CATS TO LIVE BY - THE ART OF HIDING
- RULES FOR CATS TO LIVE BY - AT BEDTIME
- FINISHED?
- I BET I CAN GET THIS FAG IN THAT GLASS
- THE WISDOM OF MY MIDDLE YEARS # 1
- THE WISDOM OF MY MIDDLE YEARS # 2
- THE WISDOM OF MY MIDDLE YEARS # 4
- THE WISDOM OF MY MIDDLE YEARS # 5
- THE WISDOM OF MY MIDDLE YEARS # 7
- THE WISDOM OF MY MIDDLE YEARS # 8
- THE WISDOM OF OLD AGE # 1
- THE WISDOM OF OLD AGE # 2
- THE WISDOM OF OLD AGE # 3
- THE WISDOM OF OLD AGE # 4
- THE WISDOM OF OLD AGE # 9
- THE WISDOM OF OLD AGE # 10
- THE WISDOM OF OLD AGE # 11
- THE WISDOM OF OLD AGE # 8
- THE WISDOM OF OLD AGE # 12
- WORDS OF WISDOM # 1
- THE WISDOM OF OLD AGE # 5
- THE WISDOM OF MY MIDDLE YEARS # 3
- THE WISDOM OF OLD AGE # 6
- THE WISDOM OF OLD AGE # 7
- WORDS OF WISDOM # 2
- THE WISDOM OF MY MIDDLE YEARS # 6
- THE GINGER KID AND THE BLACK SOX
- CAN WE HAVE A PET DAD?
- THE CHICAGO BLACK SOX
- CIRCLES
- WELL IT HAPPENED LIKE THIS
- WHEN WE WERE KIDS
- COMPLAINTS TO THE LANDLORD
- EXCUSE MISS
- Ai-Weh-Deh" Gladys Aylwar
- FACT OR FICTION
- THE PLANE TRUTH
- EMPLOY CAUTION
- APPLY CAUTION
- MATCH OF THE DAY
- MY JOB’S WORSE THAN PRISON
- OH I DO FEEL QUEER
- MAGIC SLIDE
- AT THE SCHOOL GATE
- THE MAN THE DOBERMAN AND THE PIG
- WINNER TAKES ALL
- IT’S THAT TIME AGAIN
- SHIP RAGE
- CLUBBING IT
- THE WHITE HORSE IN
- HAZARDOUS HOSIERY
- YOU’RE NEVER TOO OLD
- IS MY JOB WORSE THAN PRISON? NO
- IS MY JOB WORSE THAN PRISON? YES
- WORDS OF WISDOM # 2
- THE WISDOM OF MY MIDDLE YEARS # 6
- THE WISDOM OF MY MIDDLE YEARS # 7
- SHOELESS JOE JACKSON
- FONETIC IRONIE
- WHERE EAGLES DARE
- STINGER
- STAN THE MAN
- HI’S AND LO’S
- THE ROAD TO DAMASCUS
- MANY A SLIP
- GAWD’N BENNIT
- GO RYAN
- KEEPING ABREAST
- CARRY ON NURSE
- FACE OFF
- MARTIN LUTHER BLING
- I CAN’T STAND HIM
- WINE DOWN UNDER
- I NAME THIS CHILD
- UPRIGHT CHRISTIANS
- PLAIN JANE
- THE NOT SO GREAT WAR
- LIFE AFTER DEATH
- DEAD STUPID
- DAIRY FAIRY
- AG THE UG
- SUNFLOWER
- I DIDN’T KNOW MISS WORLD WAS IN TOWN
- PONDERING STUFF
- HAPPY AS A PIG
- CLOSE SHAVE
- SOUNDS LIKE
- COMPUTER SPOUSE
- COOL SPOUSE
- HOROSCOPE HUBBY
- I HOPE I’M A CELBRITY WHEN I GET OUT OF HERE
- HOW MUCH?
- DI
- OSCAR AND THE DAME
- DOES MY BUM LOOK BIG IN THIS?
- SO NOT ATTRACTIVE
- WISE TOM
- BEFORE
- WAIT MATE
- THE REAL TRUMPTON
- DEFINITELY TONGUES
- HOLY COW
- WHATS UP DOC?
- A TESTING QUIZ
- DON’T PANIC
- ON THE TREAD MILL
- FROM VOGUE TO VAGUE
- BATHROOM FUN
- BAD SCHOOL DAY
- SAD TO BE DAD
- THE VOICE
- EVERYTHING BUT A POSSESSION
- IN DAYS OF OLD
- DEFINING AGAIN
- WHAT GOES ARROUND
- NICE
- AGED IN THE WOOD
- BUM DOCTOR
- FIRST IMPRESSIONS
- HIM AND I
- ACTION
- A TRAITOR’S TALE
- CONCORDE
- HAIR TODAY
- A THIN DIME
- ETERNITY
- NOSEGAY
- YOU KNOW YOU'RE GETTING OLD
- THE PERFECT WIFE
- THE SCIENCE OF MARRIAGE
- YOU KNOW YOU'RE GETTING OLD WHEN
- I’M CELIBATE YOU KNOW
- USEFUL TRAVELERS
- ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS
- SEASONS GREETINGS
- DOB?
- GREETINGS TO THE WORLD
- EMPTYING SANTA’S SACK
- A GIFT FOR MARIA
- A SAINT IS FOR LIFE NOT JUST FOR CHRISTMAS
- CAST OFF’S
- WHEN SATURDAY COMES
- GIVE UP
- RIP GEORGE
- ONE IN A MILLION
- REMEMBER, REMEMBER
- INSOMNIA MANIA
- SHOT IN THE BACK - SIDE
- STAGNANCY TEST
- BITTER PILL
- UN ANGELIC ANGELA
- WELL YOU'RE GETTING OLD
- TIGER TIGER
- DOWN PATCH
- WHAT I WANTED IN A MAN
- HE’S A NUTTER
- PASSION SPENT
- HAS ANYONE SEEN BERNARD?
- AT THE PROMOTIONS BOARD
- I HAVE A PROBLEM DOCTOR
- ONE FOR THE POT
- GOOD AFTERBULE CONSTERNOON
- HEAVENLY MARRIAGE
- PILLOW TALK
- THE ONE MARRIAGE
- SENIOR MOMENT AT THE SALON
- SNOW SHOW
- SENIOR GOLFING MOMENT
- THINK BEFORE YOU SPEAK
- A MOTHERS TALE # 1
- A MOTHERS TALE # 2
- THE MIRACLE CURE
- A WORD OF CAUTION
- THE PERILS OF ALCOHOL
- MARRIAGE OBSERVATION
- WARNING TO DRINKERS # 1
- WARNING TO DRINKERS # 2
- WARNING TO DRINKERS # 3
- WARNING TO DRINKERS # 4
- WARNING TO DRINKERS # 5
- WARNING TO DRINKERS # 6
- WARNING TO DRINKERS # 9
- WARNING TO DRINKERS # 8
- WARNING TO DRINKERS # 7
- WARNING TO DRINKERS # 10
- A COUPLE OF OLD SUCKERS
- OH BOY
- VERGING ON THE RIDICULAS
- ONE MAN AND HIS DOG AGAIN
- ONE MAN AND HIS DOG ONCE AGAIN
- CLASS BOOBS
- SILENT SEX
- SCHOOL DAYS
- NEW ANTHEM AHEM
- SHORT HOLIDAY
- FEEDING TIME AT THE ZOO
- MICKEY ME OLD CHINA
- MARRIAGE WORDS
- BEFORE AND AFTER
- HIT FOR SIX
- LUNCH TIME IN THE CAFETERIA
- DROPPED
- VERY FISHY
- AAAH DENTIST
- BAR NONE
- LOST WALK
- LOCAL INQUIRY
- BUILDING ENQUIRY
- THE BOYS
- APPROVED PARKING
- A NEW HORIZON
- DR PHIL
- CRUEL WORLD
- PICK ME UP TOMMY
- DR GRACE
- Q AND A
- SHE DOESN’T UNDERSTAND ME
- SPORTY WIFE
- BIG BIRD
- WORLD WIDE WEB
- SOMETIMES MAYBE NEVER
- THANK YOU DOCTOR
- BILLIARDS FOR ONE
- IF YOU DO NOTHING ELSE
- WEAR SOMETHING WHITE
- VERSATILE MUSIC MAN
- MORE TO BE PITIED THAN SCOLDED
- BRIDGE ANYONE?
- THE SQUIRT CUT ME UP
- LAND OF NOD
- VERY CUTTING
- THE LAST DAWN
- IT CAN’T BE
- WHALE KEEP A WELCOME
- RCS V RHS
- IS THAT YOUR FINAL ANSWER?
- DO NOT FEAR
- A COOL SMOKE
- REALLY?
- MANDLESON THE FIRST
- I DON’T BELIEVE IT
- I WANT IT ALL
- WMD
- BANGER’S
- ISN’T LOVE GRAND?
- GOD’S CREATURE’S
- YOU MAKE YOUR BED
- OH MY GOD
- STRIKER
- MISTAKEN IDENTITY
- CHRISTMAS JAMMING
- NO WAY PET
- WORK IT OUT WITH A PENCIL
- WHO WILL WEEP FOR ME?
- PRETTY *!£$*!**!%$** POLLY
- HAPPY AND GAY
- CAUGHT
- IT’S CAPITALISM THEN
- GOLDEN GOWN
- EATING TRASH
- I NEED HELP
- NIP IT IN THE BUD
- AND REX TIS’ YOU
- VOX POP
- PLAYING WITH WORDS
- PARADOXICALLY ENGLISH
- A QUESTION OF COMBUSTION
- OUT OF THE QUESTION
- WINDING
- TAPPED
- OLD LADY OF THE HOUSE
- AFTERGLOW
- THE MARRIAGE QUESTION
- MEDICAL TRAINING
- PHILOSOPHICAL
- FRUITFUL LIFE
- HANDS ON
- VERY PHILOSOPHICAL
- OH GOD
- STD
- FROGGY
- WHAT’S UP DOC?
- DARNED WABBIT
- FALL OF THE SNOWMAN
- NOTHING TO LOSE
- SHIRTY
- DON’T QUOTE ME
- DISTRESSED
- POP
- SUNSHINE
- FIGHT YOUR CORNER
- SIMPLE
- STILL AT IT
- CAN’T PLAY AWAY
- PERFECTION
- AOG
- IRATIO
- YOU !@*$$£! *!&%$£*
- VEGGIE
- DIPLOMATIC FOOTSTEPS
- LETS FACE IT
- GOT THE T-SHIRT
- EQUALITY LIBERTY FRATERNITY
- ON THE COUCH
- OLD WATER
- AND THEY ALL LIVED
- I THINK I WILL
- YOU KNOW YOU’VE HAD TOO MUCH TO DRINK WHEN
- WHAT AN IDEA
- DAY BY DAY
- FOREIGN JOHNNY’S # 4
- EURO TRASH # 4
- RULE BRITANNIA # 1
- EURO TRASH # 3
- MUSIC OF MARRIAGE
- I’LL HANG ON FOR A DRINK
- CYNICS
- UFO’s
- LAPTOP HOLIDAY
- INSTITUTIONALISED
- ASK MRS P
- GO FISH
- VERY PETTY
- INDEED
- DON’T JUST SMILE
- GO FISH AGAIN
- RIOTOUS ASSEMBLY
- OLD AND WISE
- FINER ARTS
- IT’S THE QUIET ONE’S
- GO BACK
- TELL ME LOVIE
- IN OR OUT OF SYNCH
- WORK QUERY
- CUISINE QUERY
- OPEN TOUR
- HIDDEN DEPTHS
- RHETORICAL RHETORIC
- SOMETHING NEW
- SPLASH OUT
- YANKEE DOODLE
- YUGO WHORES
- RHETORICAL EXTREMITIES
- SMART TARTS
- BLINDING PANTS
- DEADLINE DODGER
- MEDIUM SUCCESS
- RHETORICAL SMALL'S
- HOSPITAL CANTEEN
- COMPASSIONLESS
- WHAT CAR?
- NEW LABOUR MY ARSE
- HELLO
- THAT’S NOT CRICKET
- PEOPLE WATCHING
- BERNADETTE FROM BLACKHEATH
- HERO’S OF GREEK MYTHOLOGY - MELEAGER
- HERO’S OF GREEK MYTHOLOGY - PERSEUS
- HEROIC BATTLES OF GREEK MYTHOLOGY - THE CALYDONIAN BOAR HUNT
- CREATURES OF GREEK MYTHOLOGY - CHIMAERA
- HEROIC BATTLES OF GREEK MYTHOLOGY - CHIMAERA THE DRAKON
- WINNING HAND
- WALK ABROAD
- TROUBLE IN PARADISE
- POLITICAL TRAIL
- CONFERENZZZZZZZ
- FCUK
- SEXUAL POLITICS # 4
- SEXUAL POLITICS # 3
- RELAX
- CREATURES OF GREEK MYTHOLOGY - MEDUSA
- WEATHER OR NOT
- LEGAL ARGUMENT’S
- INFORMATION TECHNOLOGY
- FRUSTRATED FELINE
- CREATURES OF GREEK MYTHOLOGY - PEGASUS
- SIMPLY PHILOSOPHICAL # 3
- CAN WORK WONT WORK
- PROFESSIONALS
- SCIENCE’S
- THAT’S HISTORY
- SMILE ON
- ITS CHRISTMAS
- BATHTIME
- VIENS A MOI
- GAY QUESTION
- THIS ENGLAND
- IN THE COUNTRY
- THAT RINGS A BELL
- MARADONNA
- DEAR LORD
- AFFAIR GAME
- FATHER, SON &
- SO SUPERIOR # 8
- RULE BRITANNIA # 7
- MORNING GLORY
- SO SUPERIOR # 6
- RULE BRITANNIA # 6
- SO SUPERIOR # 5
- HACKNEY CARRIAGE’S
- RULE BRITANNIA # 5
- SO SUPERIOR # 4
- WINSTON AND THE LADY
- INCONCEIVABLE
- OUR SARAH
- RULE BRITANNIA # 4
- SPRING IS SPRUNG
- SO SUPERIOR # 3
- PAINT POTTERIES
- BACK TALK
- RULE BRITANNIA # 3
- WHAT A GAS
- SO SUPERIOR # 2
- FREE
- RULE BRITANNIA # 2
- THE X FACTOR
- EURO TRASH # 5
- RUDE AWAKENING
- RHETORICAL WAY
- CREAM DATE
- THAT’S LOGICAL
- NOT STALGIA
- IDIOTIC
- FIGHT NIGHT
- CRIBBAGE
- BUTTY SNOBBERY
- COME AND GONE
- JACK AND THE WIFE
- DOG OR CUR
- FOREIGN JOHNNY’S # 1
- AMAZING ANAGRAMS # 5
- LAWS OF THE UNIVERSE # 11
- HAMLET’S ANAGRAM - TO BE OR NOT TO BE # 1
- DOWN TO EARTH
- AMAZING ANAGRAMS # 6
- IT HAS EMERGED
- LAWS OF THE UNIVERSE # 12
- FOREIGN JOHNNY’S # 2
- EURO TRASH # 1
- IF IT MOVES SALUTE IT
- POPE EYE
- LAWS OF THE UNIVERSE # 13
- EARTHLINGS
- WUMMAGIN IN THE UNDERGROWF
- DOG LEG
- BRIGHT SPARK
- WHY ALBERT
- DOMANI
- MONKEY BUSINESS
- IT'S GREAT TO BE A MAN
- IN THE MOOD
- SACHNUSSEN’S LAW
- 50-50-90 RULE
- HORSE PLAY
- HELL OH LOVER
- SAFE AS SAFE
- IT'S ONLY A GAME
- PB
- SHORT BLONDE
- THE WORD IS
- I THINK SHE’S BLONDE
- NEIL ARMSTRONG'S MOON-LANDING ANAGRAM - ONE SMALL STEP
- WETTY KITTY
- BRAINY BLONDE
- RHETORICAL EMERGENCY
- THE WALRUS AND THE LETTUCE CRISPER
- DIAMOND IN THE ROUGH
- LET THE FORCE BE WITH YOU
- DOUBLE YOUR MONEY
- SEX GAMES
- WHISKEY GALORE
- DOWN ON THE FARM
- WHAT A WEEK
- NEVER DO TODAY
- AMAZING ANAGRAMS # 2
- CRISPY CROUTONS
- IT’S MY PARTY
- CERTIFICATION
- RHETORICAL WASTE
- TWO WORLD WAR’S AND ONE WORLD CUP
- I SPILL MOST OF IT
- YOU’LL LIKE THIS
- I MUST BE GETTING ON
- IS IT OK
- RIGHT THERE
- PIG SICK
- CONVENIENT CONVERSE
- HONEST
- PARANOIA
- SANITY QUESTION
- SANITY CONVERSING
- MACHISMO
- YOU CAN’T WIN
- AMAZING ANAGRAMS # 3
- RHETORICAL EYE RESTING
- ETERNAL WEDLOCK
- ETERNAL DEFINITION
- WAITING FOR SANITY
- YOUR ERROR
- BLOODY FOREIGNERS # 1
- BLOODY FOREIGNERS # 2
- AMAZING ANAGRAMS # 4
- SMOKELESS ZONE
- LAWS OF THE UNIVERSE # 8
- LAWS OF THE UNIVERSE # 9
- HAMLET’S ANAGRAM - TO BE OR NOT TO BE # 2
- HAMLET’S ANAGRAM - TO BE OR NOT TO BE # 3
- LAWS OF THE UNIVERSE # 10
- SO SUPERIOR # 1
- SHAMEFUL HOWARD
- HERO’S OF GREEK MYTHOLOGY - JASON
- NATURALLY CHRISTIAN
- GREEK MYTH’S - PHRIXUS AND THE GOLDEN RAM
- CREATURES OF GREEK MYTHOLOGY - SPHINX
- FORFAR 5 EAST FIFE 4
- IT’S AMAZING GRACE
- ON HIS DEATHBED
- HERO’S OF GREEK MYTHOLOGY - HERACLES
- RUPERT THE DANGEROUS
- OUT OF THE MOUTH’S OF BABES - PANCAKE DAY
- OUT OF THE MOUTH’S OF BABES - CHILDISH GRACE
- THE LABORS OF HERACLES # 05: THE AUGEAN STABLES
- OUT OF THE MOUTH’S OF BABES - THOU SHALT NOT
- OUT OF THE MOUTH’S OF BABES - THOU SHALT NOT
- THE LABORS OF HERACLES # 07: THE CRETAN BULL
- WHATS IN A NAME (15)
- WHATS IN A NAME (16)
- WHATS IN A NAME (17)
- WHATS IN A NAME (18)
- LOST SOULS
- WHATS IN A NAME (20)
- REUNIONS
- WHATS IN A NAME (21)
- WHATS IN A NAME (22)
- WHATS IN A NAME (23)
- WHATS IN A NAME (24)
- WHATS IN A NAME (25)
- WHATS IN A NAME (26)
- LET HIM IN
- WHATS IN A NAME (29)
- WHATS IN A NAME (30)
- WHATS IN A NAME (31)
- OH LOOK
- WHATS IN A NAME (32)
- WHATS IN A NAME (34)
- PC COFFEE
- WHATS IN A NAME (35)
- WHATS IN A NAME (36)
- WHATS IN A NAME (37)
- WHATS IN A NAME (38)
- WHATS IN A NAME (39)
- WHATS IN A NAME (40)
- WHATS IN A NAME (41)
- SPLITTING UP
- CARS (CINQUAIN)
- RACISTS (CINQUAIN)
- BREASTS (CINQUAIN)
- EYES (CINQUAIN)
- THE ABERGELE ROADS
- DAME THORA HIRD
- CHOICE
- THE LABORS OF HERACLES # 01: THE NEMEAN LION
- TWO WAY FAMILY FAVOURITES
- EYE CANDY
- THE LABORS OF HERACLES # 02: THE HYDRA
- LUCKY LOTTO
- THE LABORS OF HERACLES # 04: THE ERYMANTHIAN BOAR
- THE LABORS OF HERACLES # 06: THE STYMPHALIAN BIRDS
- THE LABORS OF HERACLES # 03: THE CERYNITIAN HIND
- THE LABORS OF HERACLES # 08: THE MARES OF DIOMEDES
- THE LABORS OF HERACLES # 09: HIPPOLYTE'S BELT
- BOTLEY BILLY
- GEE PEE
- THE LABORS OF HERACLES # 10: THE CATTLE OF GERYON
- THE LABORS OF HERACLES # 11: THE APPLES OF THE HESPERIDES
- THE LABORS OF HERACLES # 12: THE CAPTURE OF CERBERUS
- NATURE’S WAY
- CREATURES OF GREEK MYTHOLOGY - HYDRA
- YOU CAN RING MY BELL
- CREATURES OF GREEK MYTHOLOGY - THE ERYMANTIAN BOAR
- HOOK
- WHATS IN A NAME (2)
- CHRISTMAS CANDLE
- SUPERSTITIOUSLY WHITE CHRISTMAS
- WHATS IN A NAME (1)
- COOL YULE
- WHATS IN A NAME (3)
- WHATS IN A NAME (4)
- WHATS IN A NAME (5)
- WHATS IN A NAME (7)
- WHATS IN A NAME (8)
- WHATS IN A NAME (10)
- WHO’S THE NEW GUY?
- WHATS IN A NAME (11)
- WHATS IN A NAME (12)
- WHATS IN A NAME (13)
- A HAND FOR SANTA
- CHIMNEY NOOK
- ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS
- WHATS IN A NAME (14)
- WHAT?
- SLOWLY SAM
- THANK GOD FOR WINNIE
- WAR BY GEORGE
- SENILE VIRUS
- THE MILITARY WAY
- SOD IT
- I AM
- ART ABLAZE
- PUBLIC INQUIRY
- NEW LOVE
- WHITE NIGHT
- WATER WAY
- SHORELINE
- WIGGLY WORMS AND CURLY WHIRLY’S
- A WISH FOR ALICE
- STORM FRONT
- CHELSKI
- THROUGH FROSTED GLASS
- JIMBO
- OXFORD AND CAMBRIDGE
- THE THIRTEENTH SIGN
- WILDERNESS
- OH NO HE ISN’T
- TIME TO GO
- THE DAWN PASSING
- A PASSING CIVILIZATION
- TO DRY GREENHOFF’S TEAR’S
- REFRESHED
- WHEN HARRY MET SALLY
- IF NOT
- LOOK AT THEM
- HERO’S OF GREEK MYTHOLOGY - THESEUS
- CREATURES OF GREEK MYTHOLOGY - LADON
- CREATURES OF GREEK MYTHOLOGY - CERBERUS
- CREATURES OF GREEK MYTHOLOGY - THE NEMEAN LION
- CREATURES OF GREEK MYTHOLOGY - THE CERYNITIAN HIND
- CREATURES OF GREEK MYTHOLOGY - STYMPHALIAN BIRDS
- CREATURES OF GREEK MYTHOLOGY - THE CRETAN BULL
- CREATURES OF GREEK MYTHOLOGY - GERYON
- CREATURES OF GREEK MYTHOLOGY - ORTHRUS
- JOYS OF THE OPEN ROAD
- NOSTALGIA AINT WHAT IT USED TO BE
- WHERE, WHEN AND HOW
- CROMWELLIAN (CLERIHEW)
- HOW OLD? (CLERIHEW)
- JOSHUA, JOSHUA
- BANG
- CHRISTMAS FAYRE
- WHATS IN A NAME (6)
- WHATS IN A NAME (9)
- SHAKESPEARE HAS LEFT THE BUILDING, ANTHONY
- ANOTHER
- UNFRIENDLY TO HENRY
- VICTORIOUS CHRISTMAS PIE
- MEDIEVAL CHRISTMAS PIE
- DEFENDERS OF THE DRIFT
- WISE PROVERB
- IF IT’S A GIRL
- THE UNHOLY TRINITY
- MIND AND BODY - BROKEN BODY
- TIGHT FIT
- BROKEN
- MIND AND BODY - BROKEN MIND
- HORROR
- ONCE MORE
- TIMES THEY ARE A CHANGING
- THE TREATY
- THEY FELL
- TIME FOR CHRISTMAS
- DARWINS DESIGN
- FAREWELL CHARLES
- DERUM
- WHAT DO YOU WANT BUD?
- BEST OF A DECADE
- A FURTHER DEFENCE OF A PIANO
- IN DEFENCE OF A PIANO
- SAVIORS
- HARBINGER OF YULE
- A MAN FOR ALL SEASONS
- TOMMY
- BRITS ABROAD
- FEAR NOT
- PASSING BY
- BARK
- WHAT A GUY
- ON THE TOWN
- AFFORD A BEAMER
- CATERING FOR EVERYONE
- INFINITE TIME
- ACROSS THE VOID
- LOOKING PUZZLED
- TESTING
- RHYME AND PUNISHMENT
- I NEVER EVER TOLD YOU
- ACCIDENTS HAPPEN
- THAT FIRST TIME
- I NEVER KNEW
- EMPTY
- SIX MONTHS
- WORDS
- I WANTED HER
- LOVE
- IN THE FIRST LIGHT OF DAWN
- FIRST CHRISTMAS
- HURT
- REMEMBRANCE FOR UNCLE JOHN
- FATHER
- WHO WHAT WHEN WHERE WHY (2)
- WHO WHAT WHEN WHERE WHY (4)
- WHO WHAT WHEN WHERE WHY (5)
- WHO WHAT WHEN WHERE WHY (6)
- WHO WHAT WHEN WHERE WHY (7)
- WHO WHAT WHEN WHERE WHY (8)
- WHEN I LOOK
- IF I KNEW THEN WHAT I KNOW NOW - ANNE
- WHO WHAT WHEN WHERE WHY (3)
- SPONGESS
- MICHELIN MAN
- MALE BAGS
- NEW SPEAK
- GENDER.COM
- MAN A BALLOON
- TAKEN BACK
- MISS XEROX
- IT’S A FUNNY OLD GAME
- REVERTING TO TYPE
- FOREIGN JOHNNY’S ON THE SPOT
- DANGEROUS DRIVING
- WHO WHAT WHEN WHERE WHY (9)
- IF I KNEW THEN WHAT I KNOW NOW - SHARON K
- WHO WHAT WHEN WHERE WHY (10)
- QUESTION
- MALADY’S
- IF I KNEW THEN WHAT I KNOW NOW - VICKY
- IF I KNEW THEN WHAT I KNOW NOW - VICKY
- KISSING COUSINS
- WHATEVER HAPPENED
- IN PIPE LEAF OR PAPERS
- UNWELCOME NEWS
- PERFECT PARADISE
- LOOK ON US WITH LOVE
- LET THE TRAIN TAKE THE STRAIN
- WOKING
- WHO WHAT WHEN WHERE WHY (23)
- FREDERICK BAZILLE
- IF I KNEW THEN WHAT I KNOW NOW - MARIA
- OH GOD IN HEAVEN LORD ABOVE ALL
- IN THE AFTERGLOW
- THE SEARCH
- LOVE AT A STROKE
- WHO WHAT WHEN WHERE WHY (13)
- A LITTLE OFF THE TOP
- OLD MADAM
- WOMEN
- DRIVERS (1)
- IF I KNEW THEN WHAT I KNOW NOW - TINA
- WHEN THE EXCREMENT HITS THE AIR CONDITIONING
- THE LIFE STORY OF A DRESS
- SMOKERS RULES
- COMMUTING
- HOW MANY STARS?
- ENGLAND IN THE EAST
- SEX EDUCATION
- NAUGHTY BUT NICE
- I AM THE SMOKE
- IF I KNEW THEN WHAT I KNOW NOW - LINDA
- SAGA LOUT
- SEX
- COMMUNICATION
- LOVE EQUATION
- GIRL TIME
- THE ARMY GAME
- TYPES
- LISTENING
- THE FOOD CHAIN
- PIGGY IN THE MIDDLE
- IF I KNEW THEN WHAT I KNOW NOW - SHARON S
- WHO WHAT WHEN WHERE WHY (14)
- TOUGH LOVE AGAIN
- OUT OF REACH
- DEEP THOUGHTS
- TRUE LOVE
- BASILDON BLONDEST
- BASILDON BLONDER
- BASILDON BLONDE
- DRIVERS (2)
- BETWEEN A ROCK AND A HARD PLACE
- POLLSTER
- WHO WHAT WHEN WHERE WHY (15)
- WHO WHAT WHEN WHERE WHY (12)
- OH GOODY
- BUDGET
- WITLESS
- RIGHT ON
- SCIENTIFIC SEX
- ONE DAY MY PRINCE WILL COME
- SEXUAL DISCRIMITATION
- BUS FUSS
- YOURS SINCERELY
- BOSS KEY
- THE BARBER OF CIVIL
- LOVE IS
- CHANCE MEETING
- A LOVE GAME
- THE HEREAFTER
- SOLVENT
- CELEBRITY BIG BROTHER
- NOTHING
- GOD HELP ME
- WOW THAT’S GOOD
- CABINET MINISTERS
- WHAT NEW LABOUR DOES
- TOUGH LOVE
- SUMMER COLOUR
- IF WE HAD MET AT A DIFFERENT TIME
- TELLY
- MINISTERIAL BUFFET
- WHY DO FOOLS FALL IN LOVE?
- CLEVER
- GAME OF LIFE
- WHO WHAT WHEN WHERE WHY (22)
- WHAT A WASTE
- WHO WHAT WHEN WHERE WHY (24)
- BENEATH THE STRIPY POLE
- BIRD ON A REED
- BASILDON BIMBETTE
- FOREIGN POLICY
- VILLAIN OF THE PEACE
- A BUTTERFLY FLUTTERS BY
- MIDDLE AGE BLUES
- BMI
- GOOD ONE HAROLD
- WIND BREAKER
- PARTYING OR CLUBBING
- BENEATH AUTUMNAL SKIES
- MY FAVOURITE TIME
- THE GIANT ATTRACTION
- KING GEORGE’S PARAKEETS
- PANDERING
- GUARDIAN
- TRAIN MAN
- AN HOUR GLASS FIGURE
- HAMMERED
- SIZE DOESN’T MATTER
- KEEPING ABREAST
- LOVE
- TOP DOG
- DEAR JOHN
- WHO WHAT WHEN WHERE WHY (21)
- I KNOW THIS TO BE TRUE
- WHO WHAT WHEN WHERE WHY (20)
- LETS FACE IT
- SHHH
- DO’S
- FIDDLE FINGERS
- DO NO HARM
- WHO WHAT WHEN WHERE WHY (19)
- THANK GOD FOR WINSTON
- WAY BACK WHEN (2)
- RIGHT SAID FRED
- WHO WHAT WHEN WHERE WHY (18)
- SENIOR MUSING
- I SURRENDER
- WHO WHAT WHEN WHERE WHY (17)
- SCOTT OF THE ANTARCTIC
- CHECK WITH THE DOC
- A VOYAGE ROUND MY FATHER (2)
- WHO WHAT WHEN WHERE WHY (16)
- A VOYAGE ROUND MY FATHER (1)
- DINNER SINNER
- SMOKERS ANONYMOUS
- UP AND OVER
- BEASTS IN THE MIST
- HUNGRY SHAKESPEARE
- JANE
- LOVE FOR SALE
- BLOODY TECHNOLOGY
- PIANO FOR SALE
- TIME ON MY HANDS
- PONDERING
- IS THIS ART?
- IN THE DOCK
- THE BEAUTIFUL GAME
- McPELE
- THE DENTISTS CHAIR
- TIMES UP
- CLARISSA THE CROSS EYED PIG
- SHE’S KEEN BUT WHERE’S HE BEEN
- A THING POSSESSED
- DARK DAYS OF WINTER
- WHY WHY WHY?
- MR.WHIPPY R.I.P.
- WHO MADE MARIAN_
- KISS
- SOMEONE PUT THE CAT OUT
- VISION
- SHE FILLS MY THOUGHTS
- THE BREATH OF LIFE
- A CAUTIONARY TALE
- AU REVOIR - LA COUPE DE MONDE
- HAIR
- SISTERS
- 1966
- RAISED TO THE GROUND
- A DAY IN THE LIFE OF A TOURIST
- FOREIGN FIELDS
- MARS WALK
- WINGLESS WONDERS
- BERRY, BERRY
- CREAM OF SOCIETY
- POLITICO MUSICO
- INTERNET SHOPPING
- BARBRA
- WATCH AS ROBBIE BURNS
- ON THE ROOF
- PRIDE IN THE EAST
- REBORN
- WINTER WHITE
- A DOGS LIFE
- THE FASTEST THING
- SENIOR MOMENT
- ANOTHER SENIOR MOMENT
- PRIVATE FREDERICK HITCH V.C.
- A PASSING SOUL
- IN THE NAME OF GOD
- THE PRIDE OF ENGLAND
- FOUR YEARS TIME
- I WONDER
- PRIVATE PARTS
- SCENE OF THE SLIME
- COOKING ROMEO
- TOP DOGS
- BOURNEMOUTH
- LIVING ALONE
- MARK ANTONY’S RUMP
- LONG AGO IN THE OLD WILD WEST
- GEORGE OF LYDDA
- ONE IN FIVE
- MONOPOLY
- IN A QUANDARY
- WHO DOES HE SUPPORT?
- JULIETS SAUCE
- HAMLETS BREAKFAST
- ANOTHER SURVEY
- BATSI
- PALINDROME
- SHAKESPEARE’S WINE
- HERR BECKENBAUR
- A CLOWN AT DINNER
- OXYMORA
- PALINDROME THE SEQUEL
- PALINDROME REVISITED
- RETURN TO PALINDROME
- ACRONYM
- THE DRAGON SLAYER
- RETURN TO PALINDROME AGAIN
- ACRONYM PROSE STYLE
- PANGRAMS
- DEFINING
- FALLING DOWN DRUNK
- NO MORE MONOCHROME
- A WANDER DOWN LUPINO LANE
- PURELY PLATONIC
- SUMMER GARDEN
- ANOTHER DRINK VICTORIA?
- THE TRUTH ASTROLOGERS WOULD’NT TELL YOU ABOUT PISCES
- THE SLIPPERY POLE
- SOME DAYS
- REAWAKENED
- MISS RIGHT
- IF AT FIRST
- A JOURNEY OF A THOUSAND MILES
- THE SNOW QUEEN
- NO ONE LISTENS
- FOR ANNA
- THE TRUTH ASTROLOGERS WOULD’NT TELL YOU ABOUT AQUARIUS
- A QUESTION MR LINCOLN
- SUNLIGHT DANCING
- ONLY ONE WIFE
- DON’T ARGUE
- THE TRUTH ASTROLOGERS WOULD’NT TELL YOU ABOUT ARIES
- BORN NAKED
- GOOD JUDGEMENT
- THE MARRYING KIND
- SPOT THE PARTNER
- HUSBAND’S WINE
- ACUTE NEED
- SATAN RULES KO
- VIMTO TANGO
- STAR WARS DAY
- THE TRUTH ASTROLOGERS WOULD’NT TELL YOU ABOUT TAURUS
- IS TODAY YOUR DAY?
- RICH ROAST
- BENEATH THE CLOCK
- THE TRUTH ASTROLOGERS WOULD’NT TELL YOU ABOUT GEMINI
- THE TRUTH ASTROLOGERS WOULD’NT TELL YOU ABOUT CANCER
- WISE CONFUCIUS
- OH MY HEAD
- NEVER AGAIN
- CAN YOU SEE WHAT IT IS YET?
- THE SINCEREST FORM OF FLATTERY
- SUPERDAD
- BOX
- THE TRUTH ASTROLOGERS WOULD’NT TELL YOU ABOUT LEO
- TWO LOVELY BLACK EYES
- ABORT ABORT
- HE WHO LAUGHS
- A QUESTION OF MARRIAGE
- THE MISPROBUNCITATION OF YOUTH
- TONY'S CRONIES
- SEXYGEN
- LOST IN A SPACE
- FAMILY MODE
- MIXED FEELING
- CONCEIT
- MACHO MAN
- FATHER AND CHRISTMAS
- LAVA LAMP
- THE TRUTH ASTROLOGERS WOULD’NT TELL YOU ABOUT VIRGO
- THE TRUTH ASTROLOGERS WOULD’NT TELL YOU ABOUT LIBRA
- QUESTION
- JOKE MODE
- THE TRUTH ASTROLOGERS WOULD’NT TELL YOU ABOUT SCORPIO
- THE TRUTH ASTROLOGERS WOULD’NT TELL YOU ABOUT SAGITTARIUS
- THE TRUTH ASTROLOGERS WOULD’NT TELL YOU ABOUT CAPRICORN
- VIVA ESPANIA
- NIGHTMARE FLIGHT
- TAKE A BREAK
- D.I.V.O.R.C.E.
- ON THE TOWN
- WHATS IN A NAME (27)
- BATH SYMPTON
- CYNTHIA’S NIGHT OUT
- HAPPY STRESSLESS
- AI DI
- LAWS OF THE UNIVERSE # 7
- WHATS IN A NAME (33)
- LAY BY
- FOOLS
- WILDE ABOUT OSCAR
- WHAT SMALL FEET
- SO BUSY, WOW
- IDEA’S
- A PEACEFUL END
- A REASONABLE PLACE
- A RUSH OF BLOOD
- THAT’S THE DRILL
- NOT SO HOT DOGS
- DON’T WORRY
- SPOT THE BALL
- FORTYFIED
- HAPPY MARRIAGE
- ONE OF YOU IS MAD
- THE ASTI
- WEIGHING UP WOMEN
- PROBLEM DOCTOR
- TROUBLE AND STRIFE
- A POUND OFF IF WERE LATE
- OH GOD A WOMAN
- JUMP TO IT
- DRACULA,DRACULA,NOSFERATU AND VLAD
- POLITICAL IDEAL
- A TROUBLE SHARED
- A FISHY BRIEF
- FERTILE OR STERILE
- DON THE BRIEF
- NEAT FIT
- USEFUL TRAVELERS
- A PAIL TALE
- ONE DOWN
- THE HONEST SANTA FAIRY
- A BRIEF RUN DOWN
- WHATS GOOD FOR THE GOOSE
- ACCESSORY TO BUGLARY
- A BRIEF ENCOUNTER
- THAT’S NOT FUNNY
- GENDER BENDER
- VERY TART
- GENDER CONTROL
- A BRIEF PROCESS
- IF I HAD A HAMMER
- HOW ABSORBING
- BRIEFS BY THE BUSLOAD
- IN HER WEB
- UNDERGROUND MAN
- DEAD BRIEF
- A HEAVENLY SUMMONS
- WHERE DO BABIES COME FROM?
- HOSTILE WITNESS
- GO FIGURE
- WISDOM OF CATS AND DOGS
- GRAND WISDOM
- I GIVE UP
- SAVED
- HOME CHILDREN
- HELP A LONDON CHILD
- IT’S A LOTTERY
- ULTRA LARGE
- I WONT LET IT CHANGE MY LIFE
- I WISH I’D KNOWN MY DAD
- WESTMINSTER CHANGE
- THE CHANGING ECONOMY
- WESTMINSTER ALL CHANGE
- GENDER BLENDER
- NOTHING CHANGES
- THE LIGHT OF MARXISM
- GLASNOST
- WEATHER MEN
- AD MEN
- SMART MEN
- WOW MAN
- IN THE KNOW
- FOUR LEGGED FRIENDS
- LIGHT SOUND
- A WORLD OF MY OWN
- IN A SPIN
- THE BEST YEARS OF MY LIFE ARE BEHIND ME
- THAT’S PROOF YOU FOOL
- VERY TAXING
- TWELVE MEN AND TRUE
- AND THE WINNER IS
- WHY AM I HERE?
- TELL ME
- POLES AND HOLES
- SMART MODE
- GOOD COMPANY
- A MILLION TO ONE
- INSURANCE MAN
- THE BEER QUESTION
- DOG HOUSE
- BLINKING WOMEN
- POUND STRETCHER
- GOLDILOCKS
- MATING CALL’S
- FAMILY PLANNING
- SUSHI
- PROBLEM SOLVED
- WITCHFINDER
- MR WONDERFUL
- LIFE AFTER SIXTY
- IN ATTENDANCE
- A GREAT DEAL OF SURPLUS
- TAKE ME TO CUBA
- WELL THAT’S THE RUB
- SHE WOOD
- WHAT DID I DO?
- CATS TAIL
- WHATS UP DOC
- RULES OF THE COSMOS - REAL BUTTER
- MONEY CAN’T BUY YOU LOVE
- RULES OF THE COSMOS - EXPERIENCE
- NAUGHTY BUT NICE
- RULES OF THE COSMOS - X-RAYS
- RULES OF THE COSMOS - BILL’S
- FOILED AGAIN
- CLUB 18-30 GIRLS
- AFTER SEX
- AFTER SEX AGAIN
- IT’S A SIN
- COMPACT MODE
- MODUS OPERANDI
- NEVER TOO SMALL
- PHOTOGRAPHIC MODE
- RELIGIOUS SHIT MAN
- UP TO A SENIOR MOMENT
- A SENIOR MOMENT ON THE TOWN
- TIME
- LOOK AT THE CHEST ON THAT
- CRIMINAL RECORDS
- SEE BOTH SIDES
- LES GIRLS
- I DID
- COCK SURE
- INSTITUTION OF MARRIAGE
- BETTER LATE THAN NEVER
- DOG TRICK
- KEEP SMILING
- DON’T BE A FOOL
- LAWS OF THE UNIVERSE, #1
- BRUISE CRUISE
- LAWS OF THE UNIVERSE, #2
- LAWS OF THE UNIVERSE, #3
- HAPPY CHRISTMAS AUNTIE PEGGY
- LAWS OF THE UNIVERSE, #4
- LAWS OF THE UNIVERSE, #5
- RICH BITCH
- I SWEAR
- ANSWER THIS TOMMY
- TO HERO FROM VILLAIN
- LAWS OF THE UNIVERSE, #6
- FOLLOW THAT MAN
- IT’S A MAD WORLD
- FRIEND OR FOE
- A QUESTION BEFORE I GO
- NOBODY LIKES A SMART ARSE
- BANG YOUR DEAD
- INN TROUBLE
- CREAM DREAM
- I WANNA HOLD HER HAND
- WHAT’S HE SO HAPPY ABOUT
- CARRY A LIGHT
- BARKED
- RAT RACE
- MARRIAGE RELATIONS
- REAL ALE
- POVERTY TRAP
- CAPITAL MODE
- ORANGE JUICE MODE
- ACCIDENT MODE
- SHAMPOO MODE
- PICKLED MODE
- HERE ENDETH THE FIRST LESSON
- DIRT WONT KILL YOU
- IF AT FIRST, AGAIN
- PMT?
- DON’T LET YOUR CONSCIENCE BE YOUR GUIDE
- KIDNEYS
- ON THE OTHER FOOT
- AT YOUR CONVENIENCE
- AT YOUR CONVENIENCE AGAIN
- WHAT?
- MONEY TALKS
- HOME SPUN
- THE UNKINDEST CUT OF ALL
- THOSE WHO CAN, DO
- IT PAYS TO ADVERTISE
- CHANGE YOUR WAYS
- WIT
- CAN YOU SPARE A MINUTE?
- CAN YOU DO SOMETHING FOR ME?
- DARK AGES
- MAN SIZE PROBLEMS
- WHAT?
- WIND
- THE ANCIENT ART OF HAPPINESS
- DOES SHE?
- THEY’RE PANTS
- ITS A DOG’S LIFE
- WONDER WOMAN
- JOKE TILL YOU CROAK
- THE WAY TO A MANS HEART
- LOVE IS BLIND
- MANY A MICKLE
- UPPING
- I DID
- THE ONE
- MICHELIN MAN
- SENIOR REPORT
- WHO NEEDS THEM
- WATCH THE TIME
- FAKING IT
- TOMMY’S LUNCH
- POOR SAM
- A HAND IN MARRIAGE
- HOSTESS WITH THE LEASTEST
- REPELLING BOARDERS
- CHRISTMAS SHOPPING
- THE LAST SUPPER
- THE SANTA CLAUSE
- BRIEF ENCOUNTER
- ANYTHING BY GEORGE
- CHRISTMAS SHOCKING
- IT’S A FAIR COP
- THANK GOD FOR F RU
- KIDS DON’T UNDERSTAND CHRISTMAS
- CHRISTMAS RULES
- TESTING SEX
- THE THREE LITTLE PIGS
- A BRIDGE TOO FAR
- SENIOR APPEARANCE
- A WHALE OF A TALE
- DON’T LET MUM
- SENIOR WISDOM
- WAVING GOODBYE
- SENIOR JOINT
- SENIOR TESTS
- IF MY BODY WERE A CAR
- SENIOR MOVIE STARS
- MEASURING SUCCESS
- PICTURE THIS
- SENIOR MIGRATION
- COMIC CUTS
- TELL US WHO DID IT
- BRAINIAC
- OH HON
- CROCODILE ROCK
- GRAVITY SUCKS
- HEART STOPPER
- CARE FOR THE ELDERLY
- PROCEED WITH CAUTION
- A LOT OF AGE
- SENIOR TIME
- KEEP FAT
- LILLIE AND GOLDIE
- MAN OF ACTION
- MOMENTS
- NATURAL MUSIC
- PANTING FOR IT
- A WOMAN’S PRAYER
- MEDUSA
- NATURE’S CHILD
- TRIANGLES
- R.T.F.M.
- IT’S A STEAL
- WHINING LITTLE
- SENIOR ROCK
- SENIOR MAN
- CRAP CARS
- STONE ME
- DIVORCED MEN NEVER CHANGE
- LOVE OF HER LIFE
- IMAGINE
- REALLY
- PICCADILLY PHILLY
- FAITH
- CHANGING SCHOOLS
- BROTHERLY LOVE
- WHEN LIFE GIVES YOU THE BIRD
- FRIENDS
- BLESSED
- THE THREE BEST THINGS IN LIFE ARE THREE
- PHILOSOPHICAL TISSUE
- DR. NO, NO, NO
- GENTLY DOES IT
- DRIVE CAREFULLY
- BAG MAN
- XEROX GIRL
- BALLOON GUY
- LIFESTYLE CHOICE
- SPOT PUGH
- THE SURREY HILLS
- HARRY POTTER AND THE WITCH WITH AN ITCH
- BLESSED FRIENDSHIP
- ALL ABOUT EVE
- PHOTOGRAPHIC MODE
- THE GRAND NATIONAL
- CHRISTMAS MORNING
- THE WORSHIPFUL MORN
- SHOPPING MODE # 1
- WHY ON EARTH
- HOTTER THAN EVER
- SHOPPING MODE # 2
- FRIENDS ANONYMOUS
- GET THEE BEHIND ME
- HIS GIFT
- CHANGING MODE
- BREAST STROKE MODE
- THE HOLY INFANT
- A QUESTION OF BALANCE
- BLUE NUN
- BALANCED MARRIAGE
- TRUST A MAN
- CHIRPY, CHIRPY CHEEP, CHEEP
- GOOD IN THE SACK
- SCROOGE and MARLEY (Deceased)
- WHAT DOES IT TAKE (rewrite)
- TAKE IT EASY
- OUT OF THE MOUTHS OF BABES - PAUL AND THE CAT
- CASH FOR DISHONOURS
- THE TWENTY FIRST CENTURY PLAGUE
- HEAVENS GATE
- FALCON IN THE GARDEN
- SENIOR FACT OF LIFE
- SENIOR PRESERVE
- GOLDEN HARVEST
- DON’T MAKE ME LAUGH
- IF I
- HAPPY DAYS
- JUST SAY
- I ALWAYS LOVED THE TIME OF YEAR
- AUTUMN REFLECTIONS
- EUROPEAN EMPIRE
- OH NO, NOT HALLOWEEN AGAIN
- THE ARMENIAN HOLOCAUST’S 1896 to 1915
- MONKS OF PEACE
- BREATHLESS
- A NIGHT WITH A FIT BIRD
- LAUGH YOURSELF FIT
- TOY BOY
- 3 O’CLOCK ALARM CALL
- PREMATURE FALLASY
- SORE POINT
- ALL HALLOWS EVE
- RIGHT ON MAN
- CHRISTMAS LINDA PART 1 - BRIEF ENCOUNTER
- CHRISTMAS LINDA PART 2 - ONE SPECIAL NIGHT
- CHRISTMAS LINDA PART 3 - FROM EVE TO EVE
- THE STORM FRONT
- A WINTER NIGHT
- DO I LOVE YOU?
- YPRES
- A TIME TO REMEMBER
- BIRTHDAY GREETINGS
- VALENTINE # 1
- FRIENDSHIP
- JUST ANOTHER DAY AT THE OFFICE
- CHRISTMAS CHEER
- A BRIGHT SPARK
- A QUESTION OF HEALTH
- WHEN I’M SIXTY FOUR
- CHRISTMAS SERVICE
- SHOP EARLY FOR CHRISTMAS
- OH WHAT A LOVELY GIFT
- CHRISTMAS POST
- CHRISTMAS WITH THE BROWNS
- BE MY VALENTINE # 5
- BE MY VALENTINE # 4
- BE MY VALENTINE # 3
- BE MY VALENTINE # 2
- BE MY VALENTINE # 1
- THE GOOD CITIZEN
- A GOOD EXERCISE
- FEELING DOWN
- MENOPAUSAL MONITOR
- EXERCISE PLAN
- HEALTH CLUB WARNING
- IT’S THE DOGS_. ONCE AGAIN
- ONCE UPON A TIME
- A GOOD SPORT
- CHRISTMAS ALPHABET
- THREE WISE ONES
- I THANK THE LORD ABOVE
- GIRLS GIRLS GIRLS
- OH MOTHER NATURE
- BLUEBELL GIRL
- BUT THAT WAS BEFORE LOVE DIED
- LOVE AT FIRST SIGHT
- MISTAKES
- DON’T FORGET ME
- AUTUMN TREASURE
- BLUE TO GREY
- I LOVE THIS LAND
- I LOVE ANAGRAMS # 1
- I LOVE ANAGRAMS # 2
- I LOVE ANAGRAMS # 3
- I LOVE ANAGRAMS # 4
- I LOVE ANAGRAMS # 5
- COME WITH ME NOW
- HEAVENLY BODIES
- IN GOD’S NAME
- JOURNEY
- IF NOT FOR_.
- CAUGHT IN A STORM
- THE FOURTH
- I LOVE ANAGRAMS # 6
- I LOVE ANAGRAMS # 7
- I LOVE ANAGRAMS # 8
- I LOVE ANAGRAMS # 9
- I LOVE ANAGRAMS # 10
- WHEN I WAS A KID
- SENIOR TRIP
- FIRST GOD CREATED ADAM
- SENIOR SENSATION
- I LOVE ANAGRAMS # 11
- I LOVE ANAGRAMS # 12
- I LOVE ANAGRAMS # 13
- I LOVE ANAGRAMS # 14
- I LOVE ANAGRAMS # 15
- I LOVE ANAGRAMS # 16
- WOW GRAN
- PLATEX WOMAN
- HEAD OF YEAR
- SENIOR SYSTEMS
- GOLDEN YEARS
- EVERGREEN
- HAIR CHOO
- BIRDS
- GOD IS
- LOVE MAKER
- ROBIN THE HOODY
- GROWING UP
- COLD SHOULDER
- BODY IMAGE
- EARLY RISER
- HEALTHIER LIFE
- FASHION POLICE
- MAD AS A BOX OF FROGS # 1
- MAD AS A BOX OF FROGS # 2
- CULTURE VULTURE
- YOU MUFFIN
- UNCONTROLLABLE
- DRINK DRIVING
- BIRTHDAY BLUES
- PERSONABLE
- CRAYOLA BOX
- THANKS MUM
- GETTING THE BOOTS
- PUZZLED GIRLS
- BLONDSKI
- SEX TOY
- NOT BEING PREVIOUS
- BREATHLESSLY
- ONE GOOD TURN
- OLD AGE IS A STATE OF MIND
- BLONDE EMERGENCY
- OLD JOKE
- SEX WITHOUT LOVE
- SEX IS
- HAVE YOU SEEN THIS MAN
- KEEPING HER HAPPY
- PUTTING YOUR FOOT IN IT
- CHERIO CHILDHOOD
- IT DOESN’T MATTER
- THE BEST ONES
- FUDGE
- THE MIGHTY OAK
- MAXIMS INCOMPLETE
- THE BLACK DOG
- IN GOD WE TRUST
- ROYAL NAMES
- TALKING HUSBAND
- BE MY VALENTINE # 6
- SEX TOY UPGRADE
- BE ALERT
- LIVE A GOOD LIFE
- SMART CAR OWNER
- DEAR FRIEND # 1
- DREAMER
- QUIET PLEASE
- DEMENTIA
- DEAR FRIEND # 2
- MY DEAREST FRIEND
- A GOOD HEART
- TRUE FRIEND # 1
- TRUE FRIEND # 2
- I MISS THE PLACE
- TRUE FRIEND # 3
- CLUNK CLICK
- DEAR FRIEND # 3
- CALL ME EPPING
- LOVES EXQUISITE ACHE
- THE GINGER PRINCE WENT TO WAR
- ASLEEP AT THE WHEEL
- SMALL BEER
- BEASTS OF THE AGE
- MONEY CAN’T BUY EVERYTHING
- GIRL WITH A PEARL EARRING
- CYCLE OF LIFE
- ODE TO A YOUNG STUDENT
- OUT LIKE A LIGHT
- A MATTER OF LIFE AND DEATH
- MIDDLE AGED SEAT
- MONEY CAN'T BUY HAPPINESS
- SENIOR JOINTS
- THE THREE R’S
- LIBERALS
- DASH IT ALL
- I’D DO ANYTHING
- USE AS DIRECTED
- I’D DO ANYTHING, REPRISE
- MENOPAUSE FOR THOUGHT
- LADS AND LADDETTES
- SENIOR HIGH
- I DON’T WANT
- ON THE BLACK LAKE
- SWEET MYSTERY
- MR & MRS ATM
- AGES OF MAN
- FURTHER BLONDES
- HAIR CARE FOR MEN
- BEFORE COMPUTERS TOOK OVER THE WORLD
- THE PERFECT GIFT
- FINDING THE NEW WORLD
- THE PRINCESS AND THE FROG
- WHAT'S LONG AND HARD
- ACUMEN AND WOMEN
- ARGUMENTATIVE
- FUTURE
- THE YOUTH OF TODAY
- PEACE IN OUR TIME
- THE DEVIL IN THE SKIES
- KISS OF DEATH
- A LIGHT IN THE DARKNESS
- A WORD OF WARNING
- I FORGET TO EAT
- SIGNS OF STRESS
- GOOD BYE TOMMY
- WHO PUT THE GER IN ANGER
- THE UNKNOWN SOLDIER
- CONSTITUTIONAL
- HARRY, LARRY AND BARRY
- THE UNKNOWN SOLDIER
- CONSTITUTIONAL
- HARRY, LARRY AND BARRY
- ONE, TWO, THREE, LIFT
- BRITAIN’S GOT TALENT
- SHE WAS ALL TITS AND DIMPLES
- MELISA WITH THE GAPING BLOUSE
- BEAT THE DRUM TO THE LIBERALS TUNE
- LIBERALLY HUMEROUS?
- THERE'S SOMETHING ABOUT MARY
- BUTTERFLY GIRL
- HE BELIEVES IN YOU
- CRADLE TO THE GRAVE
- RIP OFF BRITAIN
- DEFEND IT TO THE DEATH
- DEFEND IT TO THE DEATH
- SAY IT AINT SO
- OFFSPRING
- OFFSPRING
- SAY IT AINT SO
- DEFEND IT TO THE DEATH
- RIP OFF BRITAIN
- CRADLE TO THE GRAVE
- HE BELIEVES IN YOU
- BUTTERFLY GIRL
- THERE'S SOMETHING ABOUT MARY
- LIBERALLY HUMEROUS?
- BEAT THE DRUM TO THE LIBERALS TUNE
- MELISA WITH THE GAPING BLOUSE
- SHE WAS ALL TITS AND DIMPLES
- BRITAIN’S GOT TALENT
- ONE, TWO, THREE, LIFT
- I COULD NOT WEEP FOR HIM
- CRASH LOCATION
- A NOTIONAL MOTION
- KNIGHTS OF THE ROAD
- COMPLIMENTARY MEMBERSHIP
- HIS PERFECT WOMAN
- THE NAKED TRUTH (1)
- THE ROAD TO OBLIVION
- THERE IS SOMETHING ABOUT A CELLIST
- AN ILL WIND
- SUMMER STORM
- YOU CAN LEARN A LOT FROM TV
- THE NAKED TRUTH (2)
- TITTER YE NOT AMY
- SLEEPING BEAUTIES
- IS IT YOU?
- AM I BOVVERED
- BYE, BYE, EVERYONE, BYE, BYE
- THE L WORD
- TITTER YE NOT AMY rewrite
- LOVE, LOVE, LOVE
- YOU CAN’T HAVE YOUR CAKE
- IF YOU WERE A STAR
- I THANK YOU
- NEVIS
- YOU ARE
- MY LOVE # 1
- MY LOVE # 2
- MY LOVE # 3
- SUMMER SEASON
- MY BROTHERS GIRLFRIEND
- LIFE BEGINS
- DRINK TO MY HEALTH
- DECEMBER REMEMBRANCES
- THE GREATEST GIFT OF ALL
- WOKINGS WOES
- PLASTIC CHRISTMAS
- GRANDDADS GLORIOUS HARVEST
- HOTEL PARADISO
- ENGLAND COACH - CAPELLO
- PARTNERS IN TIME
- YES THERE IS A SANTA CLAUS
- THE NIGHT OF THE LIVING DEAD
- CHRIST IS IN CHRISTMAS
- TRICK OR TREAT
- A MOTHERS CHRISTMAS TALE
- I’M SORRY
- I LOVE CHRISTMAS
- IF I COULD WISH
- HARRY POTTER - THE WITCH WITH AN ITCH
- OVER THE TOP LADS
- THIS CHRISTMAS TIME
- LET IT SNOW
- OH JESUS SON OF MARY
- WHO IS ANNE ADCOCK?
- SUCCESSFUL
- THE PARADOX OF MARRIAGE
- THE COSTUMED ARMY
- CHRISTMAS CHILL
- CHRISTMAS IS FOR CHILDREN
- MOTHER CHRISTMAS
- MY CHRISTMAS WISH
- JACK O’LANTERN
- THE COSTUMED ARMY
- CHRISTMAS CHILL
- CHRISTMAS IS FOR CHILDREN
- MOTHER CHRISTMAS
- MY CHRISTMAS WISH
- JACK O’LANTERN
- I WATCHED A SNOW FLAKE MELT
- FULL OF THE CHRISTMAS SPIRIT
- THROW AWAY CHRISTMAS
- LEADER OF THE FREE WORLD
- MY CHRISTMAS FRIEND (Acrostic)
- I WATCHED A SNOW FLAKE MELT
- FULL OF THE CHRISTMAS SPIRIT
- THROW AWAY CHRISTMAS
- LEADER OF THE FREE WORLD
- MY CHRISTMAS FRIEND (Acrostic)
- I WOULD IF I COULD
- CAT BOY
- ARE YOU WEARING STOCKINGS?
- OLD MAN IN THE MIRROR
- PREPARING THE BIRD
- WHAT ARE THEY SAYING?
- WHAT ARE THEY SAYING?
- I WOULD IF I COULD
- CAT BOY
- ARE YOU WEARING STOCKINGS?
- OLD MAN IN THE MIRROR
- PREPARING THE BIRD
- WHAT ARE THEY SAYING?
- I WOULD IF I COULD
- CAT BOY
- ARE YOU WEARING STOCKINGS?
- OLD MAN IN THE MIRROR
- PREPARING THE BIRD
- WHAT ARE THEY SAYING?
- I WOULD IF I COULD
- CAT BOY
- ARE YOU WEARING STOCKINGS?
- OLD MAN IN THE MIRROR
- PREPARING THE BIRD
- OUT OF THE MOUTHS OF BABES - ANSWERING THE CALL
- OUT OF THE MOUTHS OF BABES - A QUESTION OF SYLLABLES
- 21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 11
- WOW FACTOR
- I WENT TO A FUNERAL TODAY
- 21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 10
- 21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 9
- 21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 8
- MEN ARE ALL THE SAME
- BACHELOR BOY
- GROWING OLD TOGETHER
- 21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 7
- VENTURA HOLIDAY
- MORE THAN ALL THE RICHES
- 21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 6
- ON THAT BEAUTIFUL DAY IN JUNE
- 21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 5
- YOU MUST KNOW I LOVE YOU
- IMMEASURABLE
- 21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 4
- 21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 3
- THANK YOU ELIZABETH
- EVERY DREAM I’VE DREAMED
- 21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 2
- JUST LIKE JACOB MARLEY
- IT WAS CHRISTMAS EVE
- YOU’LL NEVER WALK ALONE
- DEAR BROTHER
- 21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 1
- WEDDING SUPER
- HAPPY BIRTHDAY’S
- WRITTEN WARNING
- SPREADAGE
- THE SILENT DAWN
- SEE EMILY PLAY
- A BLOCKED VALVE
- SNOWFLAKE
- IT’S A SNOW DAY
- THE CATS WHISKERS
- CHRISTMAS HERALD
- THE GIFT GIVER
- NEW RESOLVE
- DIPPED OUT
- MY EVERGREENS
- DO YOU BELIEVE IN SANTA?
- WHEN LOVERS PART
- MY HEART WILL SAY
- MERRY CHRISTMAS SIR
- THOSE EYES
- PAM AND SUE
- LOVE IS CONTAGIOUS
- PAM AND SUE
- THE MARITAL PROCESS
- KIWI GIRL
- SCROOGE AND GRINCH
- SHE IS
- CUPID FIRED
- LOVE IS CONTAGIOUS
- MISSING OUT
- JINGLE BELLS
- WHERE DO I BEGIN TO SAY?
- 21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 12
- SHE CAME IN THE NIGHT
- SHARING
- 21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 13
- DECEMBER RESPITE
- MR GLISTEN COMES TO TOWN
- 21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 14
- MY COOKIE LAMENT
- OH MY CHRISTMAS ANGEL
- 21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 15
- DID YOU FALL FROM HEAVEN?
- CHRISTMAS IS NIGH
- 21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 16
- ALL THE CHRISTMAS SAINTS AND ANGELS
- THE SAINTS AND THE ANGELS
- COMFORT EATER
- ALPHABET OF LOVE
- GETHSEMANE
- ON A HILL IN CALVARY
- THE IT GIRL
- IF EVER TWO SOULS
- SO I WILL GIVE YOU MY HEART
- LOVES METAPHOR
- CHRISTMAS WITHOUT HARRY
- I WILL BE AS THE GRANITE ROCK
- I AM NO SUPERMAN
- SAVIOUR, AT YOUR BIRTH
- WHILE BROKERS WATCHED THEIR STOCK BY NIGHT
- WHETHER OR WHEN
- VALENTINE QUESTION
- INCONSEQUENTIAL?
- TWAS THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS # 1
- LOVES METAPHOR REVISITED
- 21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 17
- ADDICTED TO LOVE
- 21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 18
- 21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 19
- TIMING IS EVERYTHING
- I ONCE WROTE A NOTE
- PUT DOWN # 3
- A PORT IN A STORM
- PUT DOWN # 4
- 21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 20
- GONE ARE THOSE JOYFUL DAYS
- 21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 21
- THE SEASONS OF LOVE
- WHO KILLED COCK ROBIN?
- 21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 22
- PUT DOWN # 5
- SPRING IS HERE
- A VOYAGE ROUND MY FATHER (3)
- WORKING LATES AND EARLIES
- ANYTHING GOES
- PUT DOWN # 6
- FROM BEGINNING TO END
- PUT DOWN # 7
- 21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 24
- PUT DOWN # 9
- RAINY SUNDAY
- TAINTED LOVE
- 21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 23
- FEVERISH
- SNAPSHOT
- PUT DOWN # 8
- HANDBAGS AND GLADRAGS
- FILTHY RICH
- A GRAVY TRAIN PRODUCTION
- ABSENCE MAKES THE HEART GROW FONDER
- DIFFERENT STROKES
- GET A GRIP
- PICKING FROM THE MENU
- I HAD FORGOTTEN HER
- DESIGN FOR LIFE
- ALL ENCOMPASSING
- A VOYAGE ROUND MY FATHER (4)
- EPIDEMIC TO PANDEMIC
- ROBIN
- PRISONER OF LOVE
- 21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 25
- THE RUSTIC STILE AT LANES END
- CAROL OF THE BELLS
- 21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 26
- CHRISTMAS BABY
- CHUCKLING WITH DELIGHT
- MELCHIOR, CASPAR AND BALTHAZAR
- ALL OF MY LIFE
- SILVER STRANDS
- DREAM LOVER?
- PERSONAL SERVICE
- INSIDE THE SILK
- ON LIFE’S GREAT JOURNEY
- A TASTE OF HONEY
- BENEATH THE WEEPING WILLOW TREE
- 21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 27
- 21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 28
- THE GAME OF LUST
- CRIME WATCH
- JIM PANSY
- SUBLIME MOMENT
- GHURKA WARRIOR
- CHRISTMAS SPICE
- TIED UP WITH TINSEL
- I SAW A FIGURE ON THE STAIR
- I SPIED A CHRISTIAN MAID
- OUT IN THE COUNTRY
- THEIR FIRST TIME
- 21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 29
- IN SEARCH OF LARA
- GODDESS SEDUCTION
- PUT DOWN # 10
- BELLA DONNA
- PUT DOWN # 11
- 21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 30
- I HIDE ME
- 21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 31
- 21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 32
- THE JUDAS KISS
- PUT DOWN # 12
- OUT IN THE COUNTRY, AGAIN
- IT’S THE QUIZ OF THE WEEK # 1
- IS THERE ANY GREATER PLACE ON EARTH?
- PUT DOWN # 13
- JUSTITIA
- PUT DOWN # 14
- JUNE
- IT’S THE QUIZ OF THE WEEK # 2
- PUT DOWN # 15
- SLEEP ON IT
- SWEET TOOTH
- PUT DOWN # 16
- 21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 33
- TIME IS A GREAT HEALER
- SWING
- PUT DOWN # 17
- FILLE DE PAPILLION
- 21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 34
- PUT DOWN # 18
- FOUR SEASONS
- GENETIC MYSTERY
- PUT DOWN # 19
- 21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 35
- PUT DOWN # 20
- PUT DOWN # 21
- DANCE FOR ME THAT DANCE
- PUT DOWN # 22
- PUT DOWN # 22
- SPEECH IMPEDIMENT
- LOVE HAIKU # 2
- IN SUNSHINE OR IN SHADOW
- EUTOPIA (HAIKU)
- RING IN THE WINDOW
- LOVE HAIKU # 1
- BREATH OF SPRING
- PUT DOWN # 24
- 21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 36
- FIRST IMPRESSIONS
- OH GUARDIAN ANGEL
- PUT DOWN # 23
- HAVE A CRACKING CHRISTMAS
- FAIRY ON THE TREE
- WE HAD IT ALL
- ANYONE FOR TENNIS # 1
- ON SUN SCORCHED SAND
- LOVE HAIKU # 3
- NOTHING LASTS FOREVER
- LOVE HAIKU # 4
- MISTY MORNING
- POETS OF YORE
- LITTLE BOY BLUE
- LONG LIFE
- A NEW BROOM
- 21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 37
- ON THE EVE
- POSITIVE DISCRIMINATION
- HOSPITAL DUDE
- 21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 38
- CHRISTMAS IS THE HARDEST TIME
- THE ANGEL OF THE NORTH
- 21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 39
- HARRY’S LAST POST
- CHRISTMAS, CHRISTMAS
- THE LAST TOMMY John "Harry" Patch 17th June 1898 - 25th July 2009
- THE LAST TOMMY John "Harry" Patch 17th June 1898 - 25th July 2009
- ITS CHRISTMAS WHEN
- HOLOCAUST
- PC COFFEE TIME
- 21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 40
- CHRISTMAS ACROSS THE SEA
- 50 SOMETHING
- 21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 41
- TERMINAL CONCEIT
- A VAMPIRES TALE
- 21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 42
- CHRISTMAS FOLLY
- HE SLEEPS A KINGLY SLEEP
- 21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 43
- I COULD BE YOUR CHRISTMAS TREE
- 21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 44
- TWAS THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS # 2
- TIS ON THE NIGHT OF HALLOWEEN
- ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS # 3
- 21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 46
- 21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 45
- IF YOU ONLY KNEW
- 21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 47
- TWENTY SOMETHING, SWEET YOUNG THING
- THE LIGHT WENT FROM THE WORLD
- 21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 48
- 21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 49
- PLEASE DON’T LOVE ME
- PUT DOWN # 25
- 21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 50
- PUT DOWN # 26
- PICKUP # 1
- SUNFLOWERS
- 21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 51
- PUT DOWN # 27
- PICKUP # 2
- 21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 52
- ASK A STUPID QUESTION
- GIRL ON HORSEBACK
- PUT DOWN # 28
- 21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 53
- 21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 54
- OUR NIGHT OF FIRSTS
- 21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 55
- 21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 56
- TOO MUCH LOVE
- 21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 57
- SQUALL
- PUT DOWN # 29
- PICKUP # 3
- BLACKBERRY CAT
- 21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 58
- 21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 59
- PUT DOWN # 30
- A WORLD OF LOVE
- 21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 60
- FOR LOVES ADVENTURE
- 21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 61
- BEAUTIFUL EYES
- TAKE A CHANCE ON LOVE
- 21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 62
- TWO HEARTS
- 21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 63
- CONCERNING SPURNING
- 21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 64
- OUR LOVE IS TOUGH
- 21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 65
- I'VE ALWAYS LOVED IT AT THE SEASIDE
- 21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 66
- I THOUGHT MY HEART WAS BROKEN
- 21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 67
- NATURAL JUSTICE
- 21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 68
- I LOVE IT AT THE SEASIDE
- 21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 69
- STROKE OF LUCK
- 21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 70
- DREAMING OF YOU
- 21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 71
- IMPRUDENT HEART
- I COULD HAVE LIVED A LIFETIME
- 21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 72
- PRETTY ANGEL
- OVER THE HILL
- CHRISTMAS EVE IN THE WORKHOUSE # 1
- CHRISTMAS DAY IN THE WORKHOUSE # 1
- 21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 73
- BETRAYAL
- 21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 74
- LOOKING AFRESH
- SEASON OF WITCH
- 21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 75
- REUNION TREPIDATION
- LOCKERBIE LAMENT
- TWAS THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS # 3
- GODS GRACE
- TWAS THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS # 4
- 21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 76
- BEWARE THE IDES_.
- SILK STOCKINGS
- 21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 77
- THE LITTLE CHILDREN SAY
- 21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 78
- LITTERBUG JITTERBUG
- 21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 79
- TWAS THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS # 5
- TWAS THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS # 6
- BAD RECEPTION
- 21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 80
- MY
- 21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 81
- WANT
- TECHNICAL TIP
- 21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 82
- CHRISTMAS TURKEY
- LOTHARIO
- SWEETHEARTS
- WHO’S THE WANKER IN THE BLACK?
- IT HAPPENED LAST HALLOWEEN
- CHRISTMAS SCENE
- WATCH OUT
- TAKING ISSUE
- STRESSED OUT
- CHRISTMAS DAYS
- IFS AND BUTS
- COUNT ON IT
- BE ON YOUR GUARD
- I REALLY WANT TO SAY
- MERRY CHRISTMAS
- CONFESSIONS OF A HOOKER
- CHRISTMAS IS A FUNNY TIME OF YEAR
- BALDY LOCKS AND THE THREE HAIRS
- HEALTH WARNING
- DECEMBER
- NEWSY, NEWSY
- THREE WISE ONES Reprised
- SANTA’S LITTLE HELPER
- LITTLE RED RIDING HOODY
- NORWEGIAN GIFT
- BUMPER CHRISTMAS
- HAVING A STROKE
- BETTER TO BE DEAD THAN RED
- TREE OF LIFE
- ALL THE NICE GIRLS LOVE A SAILOR
- GSI NOT DIY
- MY FAVOURITE CHRISTMAS GIFT
- TWAS THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS # 7
- BRIGHTEST TIME
- CHRISTMAS PASSED
- TWO THOUSAND YEARS HAVE PASSED
- CHRISTMAS DAY IN THE WORKHOUSE # 2
- KEEP FAT
- NICE ONE HENRY # 2
- FEVERISH AGAIN
- GROTTOS GO LEGAL
- NORTHERN LIGHTS
- ORIGAMI CLUB
- WHAT A LOAD OF BANKERS
- TIGER, TIGER - THE TIGER
- BRITISH AIRWAYS AND THE TWELVE DAYS OF CHRISTMAS
- FEVERISH YET AGAIN
- WE’LL ALL BE KILLED
- TIGER, TIGER - MUTUAL APPRECIATION CLUB
- FEVERISH AGAIN AND AGAIN
- TIGER, TIGER - TIPS AND POINTERS
- TIGER, TIGER - STROKE PLAY
- TIGER, TIGER - TRAPPINGS
- TIGER, TIGER - SHORT YARDAGE
- TIGER, TIGER - OUT AND ABOUT
- TIGER, TIGER - CHOICES
- SODS LAW
- DO YOU KNOW THIS MAN?
- 21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 83
- 21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 84
- SNOOZE VILLE
- TROUBLE AT MILL
- 21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 85
- FEVERISH ONCE AGAIN
- 21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 86
- 21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 87
- TROUBLE AT MILL
- 21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 85
- FEVERISH ONCE AGAIN
- SUBTLE DIFFERENCE
- 21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 88
- 21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 89
- NO FRILLS
- GOOD JOB SON
- FEVERISH ONCE MORE
- A TIMELY REFLECTION
- FEVERISH MORE AND MORE
- A MEASURED REFLECTION
- TAKAWAY BLUES
- A DEEP DESIRE
- AGE OLD LIES # 1
- THE CHARACTER OF GOLF
- CHRISTMAS GOOSE
- OH MY PRETTY LITTLE ELFIN FACED GIRL (PART ONE)
- THE MIRACLE OF FLIGHT
- OH MY PRETTY LITTLE ELFIN FACED GIRL (PART ONE)
- THE GIRL ON THE BUS
- KISS OF LIFE
- OH MY PRETTY LITTLE ELFIN FACED GIRL (PART TWO)
- THAT DECEITFUL MOUTH
- MOTHER CHRISTMAS, THANKS
- CAROLS BY CANDLE LIGHT
- THE LITTLE CHRISTINGLE GIRL
- 21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 90
- WHAT BECOMES OF THE BROKEN HEARTED?
- TO PROTECT AND SERVE
- AS IF I WASN’T THERE
- 21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 91
- LITERARY DOCTORATE
- 21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 92
- DREAM GIRL
- 21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 93
- SORROW
- 21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 94
- I WANT TO RIP THE HEART FROM MY CHEST
- 21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 95
- EVERYONE IN THE GROTTO KNOWS
- 21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 96
- SANTA’S R & R
- 21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 97
- MISMATCH
- 21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 98
- NOSTALGIA, THOSE WERE THE DAYS
- PARTY CLAUS
- SILENT NIGHT, HOLY NIGHT
- 21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 99
- THE CANDY MAN
- SOUL MATES UNITED
- LOVE COMES IN MANY SHADES
- 21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 100
- JOY BRINGER
- 21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 101
- LAST CHRISTMAS
- 21st CENTURY SAUCY NURSERY RHYMES # 001
- TALES OF TOPOGRAPHIC NOTIONS
- 21st CENTURY SAUCY NURSERY RHYMES # 002
- IT’S NOT OVER
- 21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 102
- NATURAL HIGH
- 21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 103
- AGEING POPULATION
- 21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 104
- PLANNING FOR THE FUTURE
- 21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 105
- CAR SCRAP-AGE
- CAR SCRAP-AGE
- 21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 106
- BOND
- 21st CENTURY SAUCY NURSERY RHYMES # 003
- LOVE ALONE
- DYING OF THE LIGHT
- DYING OF THE LIGHT
- FILM CHOICE
- AND THE BEST PICTURE IS
- 21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 114
- LOVE IS A ROLLER COASTER
- CHRISTMAS AGAIN
- 21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 113
- 21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 112
- BLIND SIDED
- 21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 111
- WHO KILLED THE PINBALL WIZARD?
- 21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 110
- IF I HAD NOT LET YOU GO
- 21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 120
- SANTA’S TOYS
- SCENT OF A WOMAN
- 21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 109
- RUDOLPH THE RED NOSED REINDEER
- LOVE FEVER
- 21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 108
- THE CHRISTMAS ANGEL
- JANUARY BLUES
- THERE IS A GHOST IN MY HOUSE
- USED AND ABUSED
- LUST CONQUERS ALL
- NATURAL WORLD
- MOUSE TALE
- 21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 116
- THREE SEASONS IN A WEEK
- 21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 117
- THE BEAR STARE
- 21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 118
- TWAS THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS # 8
- 21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 115
- OH GOD TO YOU WE PRAY
- HAM AND EGGS
- IF AT FIRST YOU DON’T SUCCEED
- DON’T CRY
- LASTING IMPRESSIONS
- SHAMELESS
- NEW YEAR’S RESOLUTION
- DECEMBER SKY
- QUEEN OF HER DOMAIN
- OH DREARY WINTER
- GETTING ON IN YOUR CAREER
- SIR LANCELOT A’BOILS
- NEWLANDS CORNER
- SNOW WHITE AND THE EIGHT DWARFS
- 21st CENTURY NURSERY RHYMES # 119
- THE LEGEND OF THE SILENT POOL
- NEVER A BORROWER NOR A LENDER BE
If you have comments or suggestions for Paul Curtis, you can contact this author at:
paul.curtis67@ntlworld.com (Paul Curtis)
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ALONE
by
Paul Curtis
Tears stung her eyes
And her voice cracked
As she remembered
Her loss hung heavy
Since he, what?
Even now she can’t say it
Could not utter the word
Euphemisms fill her head
Crossed over, left the world,
Gone to a better place
He’s in the next room
Passed away
Other people can say dead
But she cannot
Seven years have passed
Since it happened, her loss
And she lost so much
A husband, lover, friend
Partner, confident
Soul mate
And even now it hurt
Though the wound
Is an old one
It is still unhealed
Still vivid red, angry
Time is a great healer
They said to help her
To comfort her
But she thinks they lied
WHAT DOES IT TAKE
by
Paul Curtis
Does it take the fuller figure?
To help you pull your trigger
Or is it those who kiss and tell
You require to ring your bell
Or does it take a total bitch
To really flick your switch
Perhaps its nurses on the ward
That actually pulls your cord
Is it lamb that’s really mutton?
You need to push your button
Must they wear the briefest thong?
To make you bang your gong
Ought they dress in something tight?
To really light your light
Must they act all prim and proper?
To help to pull your stopper
Must they wiggle when they walk?
To make you pop your cork
The truth is, unless I miss my guess
They need only answer yes
I COULD NOT WEEP
by
Paul Curtis
I could not weep
As I sat at his side
His hand once as strong as atlas
Now to weak to grip
Weak like a babe
More so
I could not weep
As I watched the frown
Furrowing his weathered face
Grey, expressionless
And as his frown faded,
As the morphine takes control
I could not weep
As he lays motionless,
Breath shallow
Silent, almost
But for the occasional groan
Beneath the morphine
I could not weep
At his deathbed
As the monster within
Crept through his organs
Hastening the end
For him and for itself
I could not weep
As his muscles relaxed
And the pain was no more
As he exhaled his last
And his soul passed
When he was at peace
I could not weep
Not because it wasn’t macho
Nor for lack of love
It was perhaps numbness
Or a need to be strong
For family, others
I could not weep
Not when he was diagnosed
Nor when he released his grip on life
Not even at his funeral
I could not weep
When my father died
IS IT URGENT?
by
Paul Curtis
I awake unwell with swollen glands
With fevered brow and sweaty hands
I shake and shiver and cough and sneeze
I sweat and flush and choke and wheeze
I mutter and mumble and grunt and groan
As I struggle downstairs to find the phone
I first call work to let them know
To the office today I will not show
And then the doctor’s line I dial
A stern voice answers in a while
"What name"? Is the curt response?
An appointment please I say at once
Well is it urgent? She retorts
Well I’m not dying just out of sorts
You can see a doctor in three weeks time
I hope to be better by then I chime
Shall I book you an appointment then?
No if I’m not better I’ll call again.
But I'll say to you without offence
If I’m still ill in three weeks hence
I’ll eat my hat till I eat my fill
For I will never have been so ill
IS THIS ART?
by
Paul Curtis
Martin Creed or Damien Hirst
Collins, Gormley which ones worst
A pickled sheep in formaldehyde
A light goes on and off inside
The truth about salt and paper crumpled
Painting by numbers and things untitled
A pile of bricks an unmade bed
Is this art or is art dead?
BOWES PARK 1920
by
Paul Curtis
London’s north was once my home
Before the countrywide I’d roam
I dwelt in London’s north it’s true
In postal code N22
It’s forty years now since those days
And thing have changed in many ways
Take Tele-com's for examples sake
No direct dial calls could we make
No mobile phones or call waiting
No answer phones or message paging
The best time then to speak with friends
Was After 6 and at weekends
Even numbers then were differ-ing
No eleven digit number-ing
Numbers then were much more classic
Though lines did have a lot more static
The phones were much more practical
And not some fashion article
And we Answered calls with more panache
Not impolite nor curt nor brash
Wed Pick it up and say Hello?
Bowes park one nine two oh
ISANDHLWANA
by
Paul Curtis
In eighteen hundred and seventy nine
The British marched in ordered line
A January morning on the eleventh day
Over the Buffalo River they made their way
The British force Lord Chelmsford led
As on Zulu land his troops did tread
The Zulu king sees this as an act of war
With broken word and broken law
Lord Chelmsford then his force divided
General Pulliene to make his camp decided
At Isanhlwana the British camp was made
Pickets and defenses set against a Zulu raid
But after eleven days in the Zulu’s land
The British had to make their stand
The warriors then the camp surround
After exploiting any weakness found
The Zulu impi many thousands strong
Defeat the British in the ensuing throng
Over seventeen hundred souls are lost
As after the battle they count the cost
Also countless numbers of Zulu’s dead
How many wives and children left unfed?
An organized army of foot and horse
Suffers the worst defeat by a native force
MILLENIUM
by
Paul Curtis
Two thousand years to celebrate
Let’s make our plans don’t hesitate
We’ll build it big we’ll build it grand
On Greenwich Peninsula it will stand
An attraction great for us all to flock
On a theme of time? Perhaps a clock
What in their wisdom would they decide
To build beside the river side
What would they chose to mark the day
Well they got it wrong I’m sad to say
So what did they build to mark this date?
An attraction not even second rate
A site for visitors to stand and mock
A Ferris wheel and an upturned Wok
THE LONDON EYE
by
Paul Curtis
The London eye
Is a giant wheel
All white and bright
And made of steel
It’s slowly turning
Round and round
Offering views of London
Above the ground
Famous landmarks and
Sights dramatic
The nations history
Panoramic
Old visitors express
Sentiment
In children’s faces
Wonderment
But all agree
It’s worth the fee
To ride the wheel
The sights to see
ENVIRONMENTALLY FRIENDLY
by
Paul Curtis
Eco friendly products do they pay?
That’s what the manufacturers say
I have read on the weed killer lids
That it won’t kill any of your kids
And it won’t kill the family moggy
It won’t even kill the family doggy
But does it kill the weeds pray tell
No it just makes them a little unwell
ONE MANS FISH
by
Paul Curtis
One mans fowl
Is another mans fish
A skinny girl that’s
My ideal dish
I like them thin
And I like them lean
Because it takes a waif
To keep me keen
A skinny girl that’s
My ideal treat
For the nearer the bone
The sweeter the meat
MIXED RACE
by
Paul Curtis
He was a man from Coventry
And she was born in Brittany
But despite there nationality
They soon found similarity
They wed and found a flat to let
And they had a child named Violet
And when the daughter came of age
It was time for her to earn a wage
A model’s life is what she chose
But agents turned up a collective nose
The strangest thing had caused alarm
She only shaved beneath one arm
A WOMANS VIEW
by
Paul Curtis
Have you seen that bottle blonde?
She asks her friend to look again
If that girl doesn’t dye her hair
Then she must dye her roots then
A MANS VIEW
by
Paul Curtis
Have you seen that smashing blonde?
He asks his mate who looks a lot
What about her collar and cuffs
Do you think they match or not?
THE PERFECT WOMAN
by
Paul Curtis
The perfect woman
Doesn’t fart
Like a trumpet sounding
But rather it is released
Like she’s gently sighing
The perfect woman
Doesn’t belch
Out the word Bulawayo
But rather releases it
Behind her hand delicately
The perfect woman
Doesn’t sweat
Or anything like as vulgar
If they overheat
The darlings just perspire
The perfect woman
Doesn’t swear
Only shit and maybe bloody
If they stub their toe
Its sod it or even buggeration
The perfect woman
Doesn’t exist
They fart and blame the cat
They belch and blame the food
They sweat and blame the change
They swear and blame the man
DEAR LORD PROTECT
by
Paul Curtis
Dear lord protect
The soldiers on the line
And grapes upon the vine
The policemen on the beat
The homeless on the street
The elderly and the frail
The Transgressors in the jail
The young and the vulnerable
The well off and comfortable
Fire fighters at their station
Carers with their dedication
The judiciary and the medics
The believers and the sceptics
Those in planes and boats and cars
The planets and the stars
Crops growing in the soil
Those hard about their toil
The river, the lake and the dam
The lion the wolf and the lamb
The animals on the farm
Protect them Lord from harm
KING OF LOVE
by
Paul Curtis
The king of kings lord in heaven above
Holds the power in His kingdom of love
Not love of power but the power of love
FROM THE SHADOWS
by
Paul Curtis
I stood in the shadows
As I had often done before
Out of sight, to see yet be unseen
To look upon that vision of loveliness
She talks with friends in the gardens
Unaware of me
Her skirt was long and green
From high waste to ankle low
Her crisp blouse of white
Enhanced to elegance of her neck
The long sleeves encasing her slender arms
Covered her fine boned wrists
Her hair was red
Red like burnished copper
Thick and full bodied tied back at her nape
Her eyes were the hue of polished emeralds
In a setting of perfect pale skin
No jeweller could ever hope to equal
Her mouth pale lipped, strong yet sensitive
When transformed into a smile
Illuminated her countenance
As if a light had been switched on
Perusal of every inch of her delicate frame
Returned echoes of a cultured creature
Dressed in the finest Edwardian elegance
More than a class above me
I step from the shadows
Returning unseen to my duties
I WANT, I NEED
by
Paul Curtis
I want, I need, a woman to look at me
Just a glance
The way Sha’uri looked at Jackson
In "Stargate"
A look of passion
Of want and desire
Telling me all
In that one look
I want, I need, a woman to smile at me
Her face to light up
The way Donna Reed smiled at Jimmy Stewart
In "it’s a wonderful life"
A smile of passion
Of want and desire
Telling me all
In that one smile
I want, I need, a woman to love me
Come what may
The way Greer Garson loved Coleman
In "Random Harvest"
A deep enduring love
Wanting and desiring
Answering all my doubts
In that all consuming love
I want, I need, to be in love with a woman
But no ordinary love
Special like Bogey and Bacall
Tracy and Hepburn in life and on screen
I want to see my love
Reflected back in her face
Reflecting want and desire
Telling all
In that requited love
THE FIRST TIME
by
Paul Curtis
The first time I took her hand
It trembled faintly
Yet noticeably
Like a wild birds fluttering heart
In the hand of its captor
The first time I kissed her
Her heart raced
And when I touched her skin
I felt her pounding heart
Through my fingers
The first time we made love
Was the first time
For us both
And in our passionate embraces
Our senses were over loaded
The first time
Became many times
Though we are older now
The passion is stronger
Our senses fine-tuned
We are one, soul mates
We share the same shadow
MUMMY’S LITTLE ANGEL
by
Paul Curtis
A little blonde girl comes home from school
Very exited with news for her mum to submit
"Mummy, mummy today we learnt how to count
The others got to five but I got to ten good init
"Yes darling, very good, what a clever girl
You’ve done ever so well I have to admit"
"Is it because I’m blonde mummy?" "Yes darling,
Its because your blonde", "yes it is mummy isn’t it"
Next day the girl comes home from school
Very exited with news for her mum to submit
"Mummy, mummy today we learnt the alphabet
The others got to k but I got up to z good init
"Yes darling, very good, what a clever girl
You’ve done ever so well I have to admit"
"Is it because I’m blonde mummy?" "Yes darling,
Its because your blonde", "yes it is mummy isn’t it"
Next day the girl comes home from school
Very exited with something for her mum to see
"Mummy, today we went swimming, and well,
All the other girls are flat chested but look at me!"
She proceeds to show her breasts to her mum
"Yes darling, you are a very big girl I can see"
"Is it because I’m blonde mummy?" "No darling,
"You have big breasts because you're twenty three"
SHIRTY
by
Paul Curtis
I saw a woman at a party
Wearing a printed T-shirt
She was well endowed
Twenty something bit of skirt
And the question "Guess?"
Was printed on the shirt
Thinking for a moment
"Implants?" I said quite curt
HOSPITAL CANTEEN
by
Paul Curtis
I’m sat in the hospital canteen
Where all of life can be seen
I look at people around me
With coffee’s or cups of tea
A couple are sharing a laugh
Are they visitors or staff?
A man sits staring into space
Red eyes in a tired drawn face
Is someone that he cares for
No longer with us anymore
Someone close to death or dead
Or worse terminally ill instead
Maybe he’s visiting a survivor
Or a new mum on the top floor
A lot of staff use the facilities
Doctors nurses or ancillaries
Is this a fresh day beginning?
Or a long night shift ending
There’s an outpatient I can see
Could be for xray physio or ENT
Two security men both partake
Drinking coffee and eating cake
A young paramedic wanders in
Buys a coffee and is gone again
Tables clear and are then refilled
By a group of men who build
So why am I sat here observing?
Its what I do when I’m not serving
MNSTROINEE
by
Paul Curtis
Just answer me this one
At any rate
Is alphabet soup wasted?
On the illiterate
AA
by
Paul Curtis
Why do they call it Alcoholics Anonymous
When the first thing they make you do
Is stand up in front of everyone and say
I am an alcoholic and my name is Sue
GOODBYE CHILDHOOD
by
Paul Curtis
You know you have reached the end of your childhood
When Christmas is a lot of work and Naps are good
When Saturday mornings are now just for sleeping
And Hitting girls is no longer considered to be flirting
When The only thing in your cereal box is cereal
And You only WANT clothes for Christmas for real
When your Driving the car its no longer any fun
You always wear a hat and have to keep out of the sun
You leave foot ball matches early to beat the crowd
And you don’t like concerts because they’re just so loud
You actually buy your self scarves, gloves, and sunscreen
And you think car insurance premiums are obscene
When being bad is no longer considered being cool
And you have friends who have kids who go to school
You saw the Star Wars movie when it first came out
Finally your parents' jokes are now funny without a doubt
AMAZING ANAGRAMS # 1
by
Paul Curtis
Anagrams can amuse
Boggle or confuse
Here are some selections
Discounted, Deductions
A Dormitory, A Dirty Room
School master, The classroom
Desperation, A Rope Ends It
Contradiction, Accord not in it
Animosity, Is No Amity
The eyes, They see
Snooze Alarms, Alas! No More Z's
Sadder, Dreads
Alec Guinness, Genuine Class
DARKEST BEFORE THE DAWN
by
Paul Curtis
The darkest hour
Is just before the dawn
So if you’re going to pee
On your neighbors lawn
That’s the time to do it
DAWN
by
Paul Curtis
The distant mountains
Pale in the mist
Reach up to the sky like children
Waiting to be kissed
As the sun comes slowly into view
It turns the vast sky blue
Birds awaken bright as the day
As if to chase the night away
SOAK AWAY
by
Paul Curtis
Candle’s scented flames
Set the tone
For a relaxing soak
In a stress free zone
In chin high water
Containing oil’s and bubbles
Aromatic and Exotic
Soaking away life’s troubles
Shelves piled high
With new age potions
Aromatherapy oils
And various creams and lotions
Such is the way
For girls like my daughter
Fragrantly soaking
In the deep foaming water
When I was young
Choices were limited frankly
To Radox crystals
And a bottle of Matey
SENILE VIRUS
by
Paul Curtis
Send the same email twice
Emails are sent blank
No emails are sent to the right person
I t makes you forward the mail back to the person who sent it to you
Libel to reply to people who mails you in error
Emails are sent to people you don’t know
Virus checkers quarantine your out going emails
I t makes you forget to attach the attachments
Read emails are deleted before you’ve replied to them
Unread emails are sent straight to the trash
Send the email before you've finished typing it
THE ANONYMOUS ENEMY
by
Paul Curtis
There is no black in the union jack
There is no white in the Rastafari
There is no brown in the British crown
There is no white in the consciousness
No ethnic presence in the establishment
No white voice in the consensus
There’s no black power neath big Ben’s tower
There’s no white vote in modern Britain
No black role models say the liberals
All the white ones are being discredited
There is no black amongst the black
But shades of brown from dark to light
There is no white amongst the white
But shades of flesh from light to dark
There is no black in the union jack
There is no white in the British isle
Black dwells too much on slavery and such
White looks longingly to halcyon days
Race hatred grows watched from the shadows
White against black, black against white
No black and white flinch from the fight
Hate spreads like fire fueled by the scourge
The scourge is black encouraging attack
The scourge is white urging on the fight
Inhabiting the middleness with wordy vagueness
Condemning both sides and supports them also
They feed the flames the people with no names
The anonymous enemy the liberal elite
They divide and conquer while making us suffer
They keep the battle on to hold onto power
The liberal elite are the real enemy to defeat
Ruling the world from the shadows
Ruling the middleness with political correctness
Accentuating our differences for hate
They are autonomous in there control of us
While creating the illusion of democracy
Freedom of speech is the lie they teach
If we speak against there view we are crushed
They control the wealth weald power by stealth
The anonymous enemy the liberal elite
HOLDING OUT FOR A HERO
by
Paul Curtis
A hero, a myth a legend
An idea? A tale or fable
With a grain of truth
And come the time
He will be there
At the right time
To rescue us all
What hero?
A name gently whispered on the breeze
Or shouted on the wind
Arthur? Robin? Horatio?
Heroes all
Our real hero, neither myth or legend
Not an idea or tale or fable
But is the truth
And come the time
He will be there
At the right time
To rescue us from ourselves
A name gently whispered in reverence
And shouted in rejoicing
A name embedded in our souls
Our lord god
DOCTOR LARDY
by
Paul Curtis
They used to call us fatty
Chunky or sometimes tubby
Euphemisms like sumo
Alternatively maybe chubby
However Political correctness
Has demanded that this must cease
So now the doctors just call us
All Clinically obese
NIP AND TUCK
by
Paul Curtis
Some people seek perfection
Something’s offend their vanity
Which leads them to decide
On bouts of cosmetic surgery
Breast enlargements, tummy tucks
Rhinoplasti implants and grafts
New procedures all the time
Techniques to test the surgeon craft
I don’t hold with it myself
Its something I have always felt
Never mess with Mother Nature
And play the hand you are dealt
HALF AND HALF
by
Paul Curtis
At the pub in the good old days
You could save a penny or two
By selecting the cheaper option
A pint of half and half would do
But in order to save your pennies
The desperate price you had to pay
Was that half came out of the pump
The rest came from the drip tray
PERVERTED PETE
by
Paul Curtis
Perverted Pete during a heat wave
While armed with a hand held fan
Would converse with all the girls
For Pete was that kind of a man
Whilst he engaged in conversation
Casually without being detected
He would aim the fan at her breasts
Until both of her nipples erected
DREAM EXISTENCE
by
Paul Curtis
We stumble through this life
Enduring disappointments
Unhappiness or misery
And our only defence against life
Are our dreams
Dreams of infinite possibilities
Happiness, joy
Being fulfilled
Having the perfect partner
The perfect family
The perfect life
But what if
Life is itself just a dream
And our dreams
Glimpses of our own realities
HE IS
by
Paul Curtis
He is the earth
The wind and the fire
He is the sun
That rises in the east
And sets in the west
He is the tree in bud
And the mare in foal
He is the rain that gently falls
He is the birdsong
And the cockcrow
He is the staff of life
He is the Son of God
The prince of peace
THERE
by
Paul Curtis
You are there
When I face adversity
And in times of conflict
When I encounter trajedy or loss
You are there
When I experience joy
And at times of happiness
When I feel pride and count my blessings
You were there
When my children entered the world
And at their baptisms
When they married and when loved ones passed
You are always there
Dear lord
PRAYER
by
Paul Curtis
I pray to my god
When my heart is full
And when it is empty
When I just need to speak
And when I need an answer
When I have joy to share
And when at my lowest
I pray to my god
Who always listens
VILLAINY BILLANY
by
Paul Curtis
Leonard Billany was a solicitor
Of the ambulance chasing sort
And he would go to any lengths
To get some poor soul into court
Now Leonard has earned himself
A reputation for barefaced lying
But when he lies its easy to tell
For its when his lips are moving
He took holidays abroad often
On profits of others criminality
Scuba diving in clear blue waters
Warmed to a tolerable degree
Sharks would never attack Leonard
While he swam beneath the sea
And the reason he was not attacked
was out of professional courtesy
Leonard Billany was a solicitor
Of the ambulance chasing variety
And to those who knew him well
He was simply known as "villainy"
But no matter how low he sank
Or twisted the system illegally
He had never sunk so low as when
He stood up as a political nominee
CAESAR’S WIFE AND THE CENTURION
by
Paul Curtis
In ancient Rome in a time quite unlike today
Of Ceasar's wife the people were heard to say
That she was beyond reproach and all believed
And never once did the people feel deceived
One day after many years serving the empire
A brave centurion now returned full of desire
After soldiering long and hard over land and sea
He was back in Rome seeking feminine company
Caesar meanwhile was neglectful of his wife
For him the empire was most important in his life
And while Caesar was away enlarging his empire
The soldier took his chance and lit the ladies fire
The couple however were very indiscreet, so
They were soon discovered Inflagrante Delicto
Well Caesar’s wife was beyond reproach before
But it’s only Caesar that thinks that anymore
VENTING HER SPLEEN
by
Paul Curtis
A young ventriloquist is working on the circuit of bars and pubs
Occasionally he manages to get a couple of evenings at nightclubs
Normally he will perform his act to a room full of drunken blokes
On one such night he’s doing his usual act including blonde jokes
When a big blonde woman in the front stands on her chair and says
"I’m sick to death of demeaning blonde jokes and your sexist ways
Tell me why does my hair color effect my worth as a human being?
Why do you stereotype blonde women that way its very demeaning?"
Embarrassed he began to apologize only getting out a word or three
"You stay out of this, I'm talking to that little bastard on your knee!"
FROM A DIFFERENT PERSPECTIVE
by
Paul Curtis
English is a funny language some would say it’s quite bizarre
Words can be masculine and feminine confusing what they are
The feminine of "Thingy" is any part under the bonnet of a car
While the masculine is that funny fastener on a woman's bra
For women Flatulence is an embarrassing by-product of digestion
While for men it’s a source of entertainment and even admiration
The Feminine of Commitment is a desire to marry and settle down
The Masculine: Not picking up other women while out on the town
Entertainment for a woman is a good DVD or a visit to a multiplex
For men it’s anything to do with drinking that then ends with sex
SMART MODE AGAIN
by
Paul Curtis
UFO’s are very like smart Models
And the thing they have in common
Is your always hearing about them
But no one has actually ever seen one
THE MALE ROLL
by
Paul Curtis
How many men does it take?
To change the toilet roll today
No body knows the answer
Because it never happens anyway
DISHING THE DIRT
by
Paul Curtis
I often wonder exactly how many
Honest, intelligent, caring men
It takes, In the world, to wash up
That will be both of them then
HOW DID HE MANAGE THAT
by
Paul Curtis
My boss is an unusual man
Would he were normal instead
I don’t know how he managed
Nor will I before I’m dead
To become a manager at all
He has certainly lost the thread
If he ever had the thread before
He is very unusual as I said
He never makes a decision
Or has plans of work ahead
Asked an awkward question
He goes a funny shade of red
Workers need to be managed
And also by their leaders led
He just stays in his office
With a look so full of dread
He’s not a happy kind of man
And his personality has fled
He only leaves his office
For Doom and gloom to spread
He’s a pitiful sight to behold
It’s an opinion held widespread
As I watch him Sat at his desk
He Looks Sickly and underfed
He is very much a figure of fun
By those below and overhead
He’s constantly at the mercy
Of His secretary Miss Whitbread
He’s the butt of many of her jokes
You might even say tormented
He she goes again to his office
Her habit clearly needs to be fed
He was startled by a knocking
"Mr. Conway?" Miss Whitbread said
"Your proctologist just called
It seems they found your head!"
RULES OF THE COSMOS - THE ITCH
by
Paul Curtis
The severity of the itch
As Physics will teach
Is directly proportional
To your ability to reach
FACTS OF LIFE - CONSCIENCE
by
Paul Curtis
According to my dear wife
It’s just a simple fact of life
A clear conscience is actually
Just the sign of a bad memory
SO SUPERIOR # 7
by
Paul Curtis
I feel so superior
To foreign visitors
As I know where to stand
When riding escalators
RULE BRITANNIA # 8
by
Paul Curtis
It’s great being British
And what it represents
As I’m not expected to skate
To my days appointments
FOREIGN JOHNNY’S # 3
by
Paul Curtis
Feeling superior to Johnny foreigner
Is not balderdash
As I don’t wake to find my garden
Covered in volcanic ash
EURO TRASH # 2
by
Paul Curtis
It’s really great not being a foreigner
As I don’t have to ask myself whether
The man with a feather in his hat is a forester
A customs man or a rural police officer
LAWS OF THE UNIVERSE # 12
by
Paul Curtis
There is a natural law of perversity
You cannot no matter the necessity
Successfully determine beforehand or ahead
Which side of the bread to buttered or spread
BLOODY FOREIGNERS # 3
by
Paul Curtis
I have found many reasons
Not to be foreign without doubt
Such as papers and magazines
With none of the bits cut out
HERO’S OF GREEK MYTHOLOGY - BELLEROPHON
by
Paul Curtis
Bellerophon was born the son of Eurynome and the God Poseidon
And was raised by King Glaucus who thought he was his own son
Bred in Corinth as the son of the most skilled horseman of the day
He was taught by his father from a young age the equestrian way
And as an equestrian student young Bellerophon was quite precocious
And from a young boy he had yearned to ride the magic horse Pegasus
Pegasus was the immortal offspring of the Gorgon Medusa and Poseidon
The winged horse was born when Perseus cut the head off the Gorgon
Like everyone else he’d been unable to so much as approach Pegasus
But undeterred Bellerophon sought the advice of the seer Polyeidus
It was suggested that he spend the night in the temple by Athena's idol
And in a dream, the goddess came to him and gave him a golden bridle
On the next morning he found Pegasus drinking at the spring of Peirene
And slipped the bridle over his head and tamed him without difficulty
After his success he went to King Pittheus to seek the hand of Aethra
And Bellerophon received permission from Pittheus to marry his daughter
But before the marriage could take place he accidentally killed a man
His punishment was banishment from Corinth after his confession
The young Bellerophon traveled in order to be purified of his sins
And was in due course absolved by King Proetus in neighboring Tiryns
The King's wife made a pass at the young hero, and when he repulsed her
She told her husband that it was Bellerophon who had tried to seduce her
Greatly upset, King Proetus feigning goodwill cloaked his indignation
And not wishing to harm his guest and violate the sacred obligation
But he contrived his revenge by asking Bellerophon to deliver a letter
On King Proetus’s behalf to his father in law King Iobates of Lycia
Bellerophon agreed to deliver it while not knowing the letters content
The message urged King Iobates to kill the bearer of the document
But Iobates was bound by the same strictures of hospitality as Proetus
Unable to comply he had to feast the hero and the winged Pegasus
Iobates decided that the solution to getting rid of his guest was to ask
Bellerophon on Pegasus to undertake many an heroic and deadly task
However the young hero Bellerophon's courage and archery skill
Combined with the winged Pegasus as a mount allowed him to prevail
In addition to his immortal parentage and his persistent sacrifices
His many acts of honor brought him the favor of Gods and Goddesses
His first task was to kill the terrible three headed fiery Chimaera
After Succeeding here it was the Solymi tribe he was sent to conquer
The neighboring Solymi tribe were King Iobates traditional enemy
Victorious he was sent to fight the Amazons and had another victory
In desperation King Iobates laid an ambush against Bellerophon
Using his entire army and the hero again triumphed killing everyone
After this defeat Iobates realized that the Gods favored the Corinthian
And that the Gods would not show such favor to a dishonorable man
Iobates made peace with him giving him half of his kingdom of Lycia
Including the most fertile land and the hand of Philonoe his daughter
Queen Stheneboea the wife of King Proetus and the attempted seducer
Was appalled on hearing that Bellerophon had married her sister
Knowing this meant her slander would be reveled she chose suicide
It appeared that our hero would live happily ever after with his bride
They were happily married and had two sons, Hippolochus and Isander
And two daughters, Laodameia and Deidameia in the kingdom of Lycia
As King his subjects loved him and his glorious deeds were widely sung
But all this was not enough for our arrogant hero King Bellerophon
In his arrogance King Bellerophon decided that he could ride Pegasus
To visit with the Gods and Goddesses high upon Mount Olympus
But Zeus quickly put an end to his ordacity by sending the gadfly
And it stung Pegasus sending both of them tumbling down from the sky
Athena spared his life by causing him to land on a soft patch of weed
He survived the fall but was crippled and there was no sign of his steed
He wandered the earth the rest of his life alone searching for Pegasus
No man would help him because of his offense to the Gods on Olympus
After many years of searching, the magical Pegasus was never seen again
Bellerophon died with no one to record his fate in some foreign domain
MILITARY LAW # 2
by
Paul Curtis
The buddy system is essential
To surviving in combat
Because it gives the enemy
Somebody else to shoot at
SIMPLY PHILOSOPHICAL # 1
by
Paul Curtis
The lion and the calf
Shall lie down together
But the calf will not
Get much sleep however
HERO’S OF GREEK MYTHOLOGY - ATALANTA
by
Paul Curtis
The birth of Atalanta daughter to King Iasus and Clymene begins our tale
But she was born into the world in the undesirable state of being female
Because of his yearning for a son and his disappointment with a daughter
He had her taken to the woods and left exposed somewhere in Arcadia
But for the fates intervention this could have been the end for her there
But they made it possible for the infant to be found by a passing mother bear
The gentle mother bear suckled young Atalanta until she became strong
Then the bear left her in a place where she knew hunters would come along
The hunters brought her up and as she grew older she hunted with them
She spent most of her time hunting and she was soon the best amongst them
As Atalanta grew in stature as a hunter she also grew up into a rare beauty
But she had no interest in men or marriage so she chose to keep her virginity
As well as skill and beauty, she could out wrestle men and was hard to catch
For example she beat Peleus who was to father Achilles in a wrestling match
And when two centaurs Rhoecus and Hylaeus attempted to rape Atalanta
She quickly killed them with her bow and arrows as she’d learned as a hunter
At the Calydonian Boar Hunt she drew first blood with an arrow from her bow
It was prince Meleager of Calydon however who delivered the mortal blow
He was so infatuated with her that he gave her the trophy of the boar’s skin
And such a row ensued it resulted in the death of Meleager and his mothers kin
She loved hunting and the outdoors and had no use for a man in her life
And she felt she had more to offer the world than she would as a wife
Her reputation grew as a great warrior and especially her skill with a bow
Atalanta was so well respected she even sailed with Jason aboard the Argo
She did enough in the world that her Father forgave her for not being a son
On returning home however her remaining a virgin was the only condition
Iasus agreed, but because of her great beauty suitors soon came knocking
And so the king soon changed his mind but Atalanta continued blocking
She finally consented to wed any man who could beat her at a foot race
Such was her fleetness that she was confident she’d finish in first place
As she was one of the fastest mortals her maidenhood this appeared to insure
As an additional deterrent the losing suitor would be beheaded by Atalanta
Atalanta laughed confidently because she knew no man would ever beat her
Also she knew the many executions would deter all but the most ardent suitor
The heads of the failed suitors stacked up and of course still they came to race
The vain, the arrogant, the brave but mostly the fool hardy lost the chase
Then one day a man came named Hippomenes and he was exceptionally smart
He knew he wasn’t fast enough but he fell in love with Atalanta from the start
Knowing he wasn’t fast enough to win he did what all frustrated lovers do
He prayed to the goddess of love Aphrodite for help with how he should woo
Aphrodite had a weakness for lovers and an intense dislike of virgins in general
So the goddess gladly gave him three Golden Apples which were irresistible
Along with the golden apples Aphrodite presented Hippomenes with a plan
In return Hippomenes was to sacrifice to Aphrodite when he was a married man
Hippomenes stood an the start next to the woman he loved holding the apples
Atalanta just sighed that such a good-looking man would die like the other fools
Pausing to give just one last prayer to Aphrodite and then the race had begun
He got off to a good start and apart from being intelligent he could also run
Soon Atalanta sped ahead of him so he threw the first of his golden apples
Slightly ahead of Atalanta and slightly off the track she found it irresistible
As soon as Atalanta saw it she desired it and had to stop to pick up the fruit
Hippomenes passed her with delight, praying to Aphrodite along the route
But Atalanta soon caught him and two-thirds of the way passed him again
This time Hippomenes through his Golden Apple deeper in the wooded terrain
As soon as Atalanta saw it she desired it and had to stop to pick up the fruit
Hippomenes passed her with delight again and still praying along the route
But Atalanta again caught him within sight of the finish line and passed by
This time Hippomenes through his Golden Apple ahead of her quite high
As soon as Atalanta saw it she desired it and had to stop to pick up the fruit
Hippomenes passed her with delight the crossed the finish line to win his suit
Despite her resistance once it was won marriage seemed to suit Atalanta.
And Hippomenes happiness and joy was so great he was devoted to her
Then one day he completely forgot his obligations to sacrifice to Aphrodite
When offending the gods the punishment was severe and vengeance mighty
Aphrodite waited until Hippomenes and Atalanta were passing Zeus’s temple
Aphrodite sent flaming desire coursing through the veins of the young couple
The pair then lay together in Zeus' holy temple and they spent their passions
Zeus was horrified at the profanation and turned the young couple into lions
VILLAINY BILLANY
by
Paul Curtis
Leonard Billany was a solicitor
Of the ambulance chasing sort
And he would go to any lengths
To get some poor soul into court
Now Leonard has earned himself
A reputation for barefaced lying
But when he lies its easy to tell
For its when his lips are moving
He took holidays abroad often
On profits of others criminality
Scuba diving in clear blue waters
Warmed to a tolerable degree
Sharks would never attack Leonard
While he swam beneath the sea
And the reason he was not attacked
was out of professional courtesy
Leonard Billany was a solicitor
Of the ambulance chasing variety
And to those who knew him well
He was simply known as "villainy"
But no matter how low he sank
Or twisted the system illegally
He had never sunk so low as when
He stood up as a political nominee
CAESAR’S WIFE AND THE CENTURION
by
Paul Curtis
In ancient Rome in a time quite unlike today
Of Ceasar's wife the people were heard to say
That she was beyond reproach and all believed
And never once did the people feel deceived
One day after many years serving the empire
A brave centurion now returned full of desire
After soldiering long and hard over land and sea
He was back in Rome seeking feminine company
Caesar meanwhile was neglectful of his wife
For him the empire was most important in his life
And while Caesar was away enlarging his empire
The soldier took his chance and lit the ladies fire
The couple however were very indiscreet, so
They were soon discovered Inflagrante Delicto
Well Caesar’s wife was beyond reproach before
But it’s only Caesar that thinks that anymore
VENTING HER SPLEEN
by
Paul Curtis
A young ventriloquist is working on the circuit of bars and pubs
Occasionally he manages to get a couple of evenings at nightclubs
Normally he will perform his act to a room full of drunken blokes
On one such night he’s doing his usual act including blonde jokes
When a big blonde woman in the front stands on her chair and says
"I’m sick to death of demeaning blonde jokes and your sexist ways
Tell me why does my hair color effect my worth as a human being?
Why do you stereotype blonde women that way its very demeaning?"
Embarrassed he began to apologize only getting out a word or three
"You stay out of this, I'm talking to that little bastard on your knee!"
FROM A DIFFERENT PERSPECTIVE
by
Paul Curtis
English is a funny language some would say it’s quite bizarre
Words can be masculine and feminine confusing what they are
The feminine of "Thingy" is any part under the bonnet of a car
While the masculine is that funny fastener on a woman's bra
For women Flatulence is an embarrassing by-product of digestion
While for men it’s a source of entertainment and even admiration
The Feminine of Commitment is a desire to marry and settle down
The Masculine: Not picking up other women while out on the town
Entertainment for a woman is a good DVD or a visit to a multiplex
For men it’s anything to do with drinking that then ends with sex
SMART MODE AGAIN
by
Paul Curtis
UFO’s are very like smart Models
And the thing they have in common
Is your always hearing about them
But no one has actually ever seen one
THE MALE ROLL
by
Paul Curtis
How many men does it take?
To change the toilet roll today
No body knows the answer
Because it never happens anyway
DISHING THE DIRT
by
Paul Curtis
I often wonder exactly how many
Honest, intelligent, caring men
It takes, In the world, to wash up
That will be both of them then
HOW DID HE MANAGE THAT
by
Paul Curtis
My boss is an unusual man
Would he were normal instead
I don’t know how he managed
Nor will I before I’m dead
To become a manager at all
He has certainly lost the thread
If he ever had the thread before
He is very unusual as I said
He never makes a decision
Or has plans of work ahead
Asked an awkward question
He goes a funny shade of red
Workers need to be managed
And also by their leaders led
He just stays in his office
With a look so full of dread
He’s not a happy kind of man
And his personality has fled
He only leaves his office
For Doom and gloom to spread
He’s a pitiful sight to behold
It’s an opinion held widespread
As I watch him Sat at his desk
He Looks Sickly and underfed
He is very much a figure of fun
By those below and overhead
He’s constantly at the mercy
Of His secretary Miss Whitbread
He’s the butt of many of her jokes
You might even say tormented
He she goes again to his office
Her habit clearly needs to be fed
He was startled by a knocking
"Mr. Conway?" Miss Whitbread said
"Your proctologist just called
It seems they found your head!"
RULES OF THE COSMOS - THE ITCH
by
Paul Curtis
The severity of the itch
As Physics will teach
Is directly proportional
To your ability to reach
FACTS OF LIFE - CONSCIENCE
by
Paul Curtis
According to my dear wife
It’s just a simple fact of life
A clear conscience is actually
Just the sign of a bad memory
SO SUPERIOR # 7
by
Paul Curtis
I feel so superior
To foreign visitors
As I know where to stand
When riding escalators
RULE BRITANNIA # 8
by
Paul Curtis
It’s great being British
And what it represents
As I’m not expected to skate
To my days appointments
FOREIGN JOHNNY’S # 3
by
Paul Curtis
Feeling superior to Johnny foreigner
Is not balderdash
As I don’t wake to find my garden
Covered in volcanic ash
EURO TRASH # 2
by
Paul Curtis
It’s really great not being a foreigner
As I don’t have to ask myself whether
The man with a feather in his hat is a forester
A customs man or a rural police officer
LAWS OF THE UNIVERSE # 12
by
Paul Curtis
There is a natural law of perversity
You cannot no matter the necessity
Successfully determine beforehand or ahead
Which side of the bread to buttered or spread
BLOODY FOREIGNERS # 3
by
Paul Curtis
I have found many reasons
Not to be foreign without doubt
Such as papers and magazines
With none of the bits cut out
HERO’S OF GREEK MYTHOLOGY - BELLEROPHON
by
Paul Curtis
Bellerophon was born the son of Eurynome and the God Poseidon
And was raised by King Glaucus who thought he was his own son
Bred in Corinth as the son of the most skilled horseman of the day
He was taught by his father from a young age the equestrian way
And as an equestrian student young Bellerophon was quite precocious
And from a young boy he had yearned to ride the magic horse Pegasus
Pegasus was the immortal offspring of the Gorgon Medusa and Poseidon
The winged horse was born when Perseus cut the head off the Gorgon
Like everyone else he’d been unable to so much as approach Pegasus
But undeterred Bellerophon sought the advice of the seer Polyeidus
It was suggested that he spend the night in the temple by Athena's idol
And in a dream, the goddess came to him and gave him a golden bridle
On the next morning he found Pegasus drinking at the spring of Peirene
And slipped the bridle over his head and tamed him without difficulty
After his success he went to King Pittheus to seek the hand of Aethra
And Bellerophon received permission from Pittheus to marry his daughter
But before the marriage could take place he accidentally killed a man
His punishment was banishment from Corinth after his confession
The young Bellerophon traveled in order to be purified of his sins
And was in due course absolved by King Proetus in neighboring Tiryns
The King's wife made a pass at the young hero, and when he repulsed her
She told her husband that it was Bellerophon who had tried to seduce her
Greatly upset, King Proetus feigning goodwill cloaked his indignation
And not wishing to harm his guest and violate the sacred obligation
But he contrived his revenge by asking Bellerophon to deliver a letter
On King Proetus’s behalf to his father in law King Iobates of Lycia
Bellerophon agreed to deliver it while not knowing the letters content
The message urged King Iobates to kill the bearer of the document
But Iobates was bound by the same strictures of hospitality as Proetus
Unable to comply he had to feast the hero and the winged Pegasus
Iobates decided that the solution to getting rid of his guest was to ask
Bellerophon on Pegasus to undertake many an heroic and deadly task
However the young hero Bellerophon's courage and archery skill
Combined with the winged Pegasus as a mount allowed him to prevail
In addition to his immortal parentage and his persistent sacrifices
His many acts of honor brought him the favor of Gods and Goddesses
His first task was to kill the terrible three headed fiery Chimaera
After Succeeding here it was the Solymi tribe he was sent to conquer
The neighboring Solymi tribe were King Iobates traditional enemy
Victorious he was sent to fight the Amazons and had another victory
In desperation King Iobates laid an ambush against Bellerophon
Using his entire army and the hero again triumphed killing everyone
After this defeat Iobates realized that the Gods favored the Corinthian
And that the Gods would not show such favor to a dishonorable man
Iobates made peace with him giving him half of his kingdom of Lycia
Including the most fertile land and the hand of Philonoe his daughter
Queen Stheneboea the wife of King Proetus and the attempted seducer
Was appalled on hearing that Bellerophon had married her sister
Knowing this meant her slander would be reveled she chose suicide
It appeared that our hero would live happily ever after with his bride
They were happily married and had two sons, Hippolochus and Isander
And two daughters, Laodameia and Deidameia in the kingdom of Lycia
As King his subjects loved him and his glorious deeds were widely sung
But all this was not enough for our arrogant hero King Bellerophon
In his arrogance King Bellerophon decided that he could ride Pegasus
To visit with the Gods and Goddesses high upon Mount Olympus
But Zeus quickly put an end to his ordacity by sending the gadfly
And it stung Pegasus sending both of them tumbling down from the sky
Athena spared his life by causing him to land on a soft patch of weed
He survived the fall but was crippled and there was no sign of his steed
He wandered the earth the rest of his life alone searching for Pegasus
No man would help him because of his offense to the Gods on Olympus
After many years of searching, the magical Pegasus was never seen again
Bellerophon died with no one to record his fate in some foreign domain
MILITARY LAW # 2
by
Paul Curtis
The buddy system is essential
To surviving in combat
Because it gives the enemy
Somebody else to shoot at
SIMPLY PHILOSOPHICAL # 1
by
Paul Curtis
The lion and the calf
Shall lie down together
But the calf will not
Get much sleep however
HERO’S OF GREEK MYTHOLOGY - ATALANTA
by
Paul Curtis
The birth of Atalanta daughter to King Iasus and Clymene begins our tale
But she was born into the world in the undesirable state of being female
Because of his yearning for a son and his disappointment with a daughter
He had her taken to the woods and left exposed somewhere in Arcadia
But for the fates intervention this could have been the end for her there
But they made it possible for the infant to be found by a passing mother bear
The gentle mother bear suckled young Atalanta until she became strong
Then the bear left her in a place where she knew hunters would come along
The hunters brought her up and as she grew older she hunted with them
She spent most of her time hunting and she was soon the best amongst them
As Atalanta grew in stature as a hunter she also grew up into a rare beauty
But she had no interest in men or marriage so she chose to keep her virginity
As well as skill and beauty, she could out wrestle men and was hard to catch
For example she beat Peleus who was to father Achilles in a wrestling match
And when two centaurs Rhoecus and Hylaeus attempted to rape Atalanta
She quickly killed them with her bow and arrows as she’d learned as a hunter
At the Calydonian Boar Hunt she drew first blood with an arrow from her bow
It was prince Meleager of Calydon however who delivered the mortal blow
He was so infatuated with her that he gave her the trophy of the boar’s skin
And such a row ensued it resulted in the death of Meleager and his mothers kin
She loved hunting and the outdoors and had no use for a man in her life
And she felt she had more to offer the world than she would as a wife
Her reputation grew as a great warrior and especially her skill with a bow
Atalanta was so well respected she even sailed with Jason aboard the Argo
She did enough in the world that her Father forgave her for not being a son
On returning home however her remaining a virgin was the only condition
Iasus agreed, but because of her great beauty suitors soon came knocking
And so the king soon changed his mind but Atalanta continued blocking
She finally consented to wed any man who could beat her at a foot race
Such was her fleetness that she was confident she’d finish in first place
As she was one of the fastest mortals her maidenhood this appeared to insure
As an additional deterrent the losing suitor would be beheaded by Atalanta
Atalanta laughed confidently because she knew no man would ever beat her
Also she knew the many executions would deter all but the most ardent suitor
The heads of the failed suitors stacked up and of course still they came to race
The vain, the arrogant, the brave but mostly the fool hardy lost the chase
Then one day a man came named Hippomenes and he was exceptionally smart
He knew he wasn’t fast enough but he fell in love with Atalanta from the start
Knowing he wasn’t fast enough to win he did what all frustrated lovers do
He prayed to the goddess of love Aphrodite for help with how he should woo
Aphrodite had a weakness for lovers and an intense dislike of virgins in general
So the goddess gladly gave him three Golden Apples which were irresistible
Along with the golden apples Aphrodite presented Hippomenes with a plan
In return Hippomenes was to sacrifice to Aphrodite when he was a married man
Hippomenes stood an the start next to the woman he loved holding the apples
Atalanta just sighed that such a good-looking man would die like the other fools
Pausing to give just one last prayer to Aphrodite and then the race had begun
He got off to a good start and apart from being intelligent he could also run
Soon Atalanta sped ahead of him so he threw the first of his golden apples
Slightly ahead of Atalanta and slightly off the track she found it irresistible
As soon as Atalanta saw it she desired it and had to stop to pick up the fruit
Hippomenes passed her with delight, praying to Aphrodite along the route
But Atalanta soon caught him and two-thirds of the way passed him again
This time Hippomenes through his Golden Apple deeper in the wooded terrain
As soon as Atalanta saw it she desired it and had to stop to pick up the fruit
Hippomenes passed her with delight again and still praying along the route
But Atalanta again caught him within sight of the finish line and passed by
This time Hippomenes through his Golden Apple ahead of her quite high
As soon as Atalanta saw it she desired it and had to stop to pick up the fruit
Hippomenes passed her with delight the crossed the finish line to win his suit
Despite her resistance once it was won marriage seemed to suit Atalanta.
And Hippomenes happiness and joy was so great he was devoted to her
Then one day he completely forgot his obligations to sacrifice to Aphrodite
When offending the gods the punishment was severe and vengeance mighty
Aphrodite waited until Hippomenes and Atalanta were passing Zeus’s temple
Aphrodite sent flaming desire coursing through the veins of the young couple
The pair then lay together in Zeus' holy temple and they spent their passions
Zeus was horrified at the profanation and turned the young couple into lions
GIRLS WHO WEAR GLASSES
by
Paul Curtis
Its said "that men seldom make passes
At girls who wear glasses"
But what if the girl is wrapped within
Such soft velvet like skin
Or she is full of vitality and vigor
Or has an hourglass figure
With a pinched waist and curvaceous hips
Or moist pouting lips
Perhaps she has milky white thighs
Or maybe come to bed eyes
What if her blouse struggles to repress
Her large heaving chest?
Maybe she has a dazzling smile that wins
Or has long slender pins
Would men ask out girls who wore glasses
If they had really nice arses?
IF I REALLY HAVE TO GO
by
Paul Curtis
If I really have to go, as they say that I must
Into the keeping of God, my soul I’ll trust
If I really have to go, I won’t mind so much
Accompanied by angels, God’s hand I’ll touch
It’s not the going so much, as the manner I mind
If blessed with faith, you’re to the end resigned
It would be hard to bear, cut down by a stroke
Unable to move, paralyzed with my body broke
Facing living death consumed by cancer’s hand
Slow death seeping from every pore and gland
The brain slowly degenerating with Parkinson’s
Or the nervous system lost to Huntington’s
The grains of sand run through the hourglass
Wracked with pain and agony before you pass
Better for all when hearing the reaper creep
To close your eyes and pass within your sleep
STRESSED
by
Paul Curtis
I gave up the fags over a year ago
I miss them now so much you know
I’m overweight by over fifty pound
I’m getting old and getting round
My house is far too small to fit
And I have no money to extend it
I’m now leaving middle age behind
My face is really creased and lined
My hair shows age without a doubt
What isn’t Grey has now fallen out
With the same work for thirty years
Giving all, blood sweat and tears
I’ve hated my job I really have to say
But needs must at the end of the day
The job I hate I've been doing so long
Where oh where did I go so wrong
I should feel heartily depressed
All broken, strained and stressed
But life’s not so bad, God forbids
If you happen to have a wife and kids
ALL ABOUT EVE
by
Paul Curtis
I gave up the fags over a year ago
I miss them now so much you know
I’m overweight by over fifty pound
I’m getting old and getting round
My house is far too small to fit
And I have no money to extend it
I’m now leaving middle age behind
My face is really creased and lined
My hair shows age without a doubt
What isn’t Grey has now fallen out
With the same work for thirty years
Giving all, blood sweat and tears
I’ve hated my job I really have to say
But needs must at the end of the day
The job I hate I've been doing so long
Where oh where did I go so wrong
I should feel heartily depressed
All broken, strained and stressed
But life’s not so bad, God forbids
If you happen to have a wife and kids
ETIQUETTE OF THE CONFESSIONAL
by
Paul Curtis
Young Priest Benedict was nervous about hearing his first confession
So he decided to ask an old Priest, John to sit in on his first session
Young Father Benedict is happy when he heard his first one or two
However old Father John is concerned after hearing the first few
John says, "step out of the confessional to hear a few suggestions"
Benedict agrees hoping Father John will answer all his questions
John says "fold your arms in your lap or rub your chin with your hand"
John continues "try saying things like 'I see,' 'yes,' 'go on,' 'I understand"
Young Benedict repeats the words and adopts the pose requested
After practicing with Father John in the style that was suggested
John, nodding, patted Benedict on the back as he practiced once again
"Now, isn’t that better than shouting, 'wow... What happened then?'"
I NEED IT UP, YOU NEED IT DOWN
by
Paul Curtis
She cook’s and cleans
And keep’s things neat
And with five in the house
That’s no mean feat
There’s just one question
Though that has me beat
Tell me why can she never
Work the toilet seat
THE FATHER AND SISTER GRACE
by
Paul Curtis
A Nun and a Priest set off to cross the desert
On a camel to find nomadic souls to convert
On the third day out the camel dropped dead
They were left to the mercy of the sun overhead
The Nun and the Priest surveyed their situation
And spent some time in silent contemplation
After a long period the Priest broke the silence
"Well, Sister" he spoke with great assurance
"Things look pretty hopeless." He said grimly
"Yes, father, I know" She answered calmly
He suggested that they had maybe a day or two
The Nun concurred and tipped sand from her shoe
"My child, since we are unlikely to leave this place
Would you do something for me Sister Grace?"
"Anything Father, Whatever you ask is yours"
"I’ve never seen women's breasts, can I see yours"?
Though shocked at first she considered carefully
"I don't see why not," Grace said agreeing fully
The Nun opened her habit and bared her breasts
As the priest enjoyed them he had another request
"Sister would you mind if I touched them fondly?"
She then consented and he fondled them eagerly
She said, "Father, could I ask something of you?"
"Yes, Sister, what would you like me to do?"
"I have never seen a man's thingy could I see yours?"
"Well yes OK," he said unbuttoning his drawers
"Oh may I touch it?" she said after close inspection
The priest consented and soon had an erection
"This can give life if inserted in the proper place"
The priest said trembling to the young Sister Grace
"Is that true father?" "Yes, sister." Answered her peer
"Then stick it in the camel so we can get out of here"
COLOR MY WORLD
by
Paul Curtis
There are only seven colors in a rainbow
There are no other colors of which I know
Peach for example, is not a color but a fruit
So are Avocado, Pumpkin, and Plum to boot
I don’t know how you would categorize
Things like Sahara, Safari and even Sunrise
Fuchsia, Fawn or Oatmeal you can choose
And there’s Beige, Stone and similar hues
They’re not colors as I said from the start
So why do they appear on a color chart?
COMPUTER GIRLS
by
Paul Curtis
I have several reasons to believe
Computers are femininely technologic
No one but their own Creator
Can understand their internal logic
The smallest errors are stored
In memory for later retrieval
They’re expensive, unpredictable
Unforgiving and temperamental
They communicate nonsensically
In a language that no man has
The "Bad command or file name"
Message is as informative as
"If you don't know then I'm
Certainly not going to make you wise"
And as soon as you commit
You continue to pay to accessorize
MANLY COMPUTERS
by
Paul Curtis
Some reasons to believe computers exude maleness
Firstly they have a lot of data, but remain clueless
They are supposed to solve all of your problems
But most of the time they are the main problems
As soon as you commit to one, to your great surprise
Had you waited you’d have got a better one you realize
You have to turn them on to get their attention, right?
And power surges knock them out for the rest of the night
UP UP AND AWAY
by
Paul Curtis
A man is travelling high in a hot air balloon
He knows he needs to find his bearings soon
He has no idea at all of longitude or latitude
Realizing he is lost he decides to reduce altitude
While drifting low in the sky he looks below
He searches the landscape both high and low
For a kind stranger with a helpful attitude
Surely any assistance would earn his gratitude
He spots a woman below and calls down to her
"Hello there I appear to be lost as it were"
"Can you help me? I promised to meet a friend
An hour ago but I don’t know where to wend"
The woman from below replied pedantically
"You’re in a balloon hovering approximately
Between 39 and 40 degrees north latitude
And roughly sixty degrees west longitude"
"You must be an engineer," said the balloonist
"I am " she replied " what is your hypothesis?"
Well "Everything you said is technically exact
But I have no idea in what way I should act
The fact is I am still lost despite your tip
You’ve been no help at all and delayed my trip
The woman responded "You must be a manager"
"I am" replied the man "How did you conjecture?"
"Well" she said, "You don’t know where you are
Or where you are going whether near of far
You have risen due to a large amount of hot air
You made a promise and now you are unaware
How to keep it and you expect people beneath you
To help you solve all of your problems for you
The fact is you are in exactly the same position
As before but now I’m to blame for your situation
YOU KNOW YOU DRINK TOO MUCH COFFEE
by
Paul Curtis
You know you drink too much coffee when
You can sleep with your eyes wide open
When you can ski uphill on your snowboard
And you have to watch videos in fast-forward
You know you drank too many coffees
When your eyes stay open when you sneeze
You speed walk in your sleep till six o’clock
You answer the door before people knock
You know you're drinking too much caffeine
When you like to lick the coffeepot clean
If you haven't blinked since the last eclipse
And you chew on other people's fingertips
GO FISH
by
Paul Curtis
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day
But if you teach him how to fish, let’s say
He will sit in a boat and drink beer all day
COMPUTER MODEL
by
Paul Curtis
How can you tell if a Model has been using the computer?
There are many spots of Tippex on the screen of the monitor
How can you tell if her friend has used it while she’s away?
There is writing on the Tippex spots all over the display
LISTEN TO THIS
by
Paul Curtis
Married life is full of excitement and frustrations
In the first year the husband speaks and the wife listens
In the second year the wife speaks and the husband listens
In the third year, they both speak and the neighbor listens
SUSHI AT THE BAR
by
Paul Curtis
There is to be a new establishment to specialize in Sushi
For Legal Professionals only it will cater don’t you see
And when the restaurant open’s they will call it Sosumi
STRESS AT WORK
by
Paul Curtis
I have just witnessed a terrible sufferer of stress
I was just served by the most harassed waitress
She came towards us with a tampon behind her ear
Asking a friend "Where did I put my pencil dear?
THUNDERING MODE
by
Paul Curtis
Models always smile as bolts of lightning strike
But its not the thunder crashes that the models like
It’s only lightening that makes them strike a pose
They think their being photographed - I suppose
YES PROFF
by
Paul Curtis
A professor of linguistics was lecturing one day
"In English, a double negative forms a positive"
He paused for effect then he continued to say
"In Russian, a double negative is still a negative"
"However, there is no language" he began to recite
"Wherein a double positive can form a negative"
A voice from the back called out "Yeah, right."