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Paul Curtis

of

Woking, England, UK

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paul.curtis1956@btinternet.com%3Cp+align%3D (Paul Curtis)


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YOUíLL NEVER GUESS I BET

by

Paul Curtis

Youíll never guess I bet
What it is that you get
If you cross the Atlantic
With the RMS Titanic?
Do you give in? Can I say?
Ok then "About half way"


HUMMINGBIRD FLY

by

Paul Curtis

Hummingbird fly
On vibrant wings
Sip, iridescent beauty
From trumpet blooms
The nectar sweet
With long slender bill
In flower deep

IíM THINKING ABOUT TAKING A HOLIDAY # 5

by

Paul Curtis

Iím thinking about taking a holiday
But I donít know where to go
What if I end up in Capable
I find that thatís often where I go

IíM THINKING ABOUT TAKING A HOLIDAY # 4

by

Paul Curtis

Iím thinking about taking a holiday
But I donít know where to go
I have never been in Flexible
But I really donít know
I think itís important to stand firm
So I would have to say no

IíM THINKING ABOUT TAKING A HOLIDAY # 3

by

Paul Curtis

Iím thinking about taking a holiday
But I donít know where to go
I will probably be in Doubt
Itís not for frequent flyers though
Its destination Iím unsure of
In fact Iím not sure I want to go

IíM THINKING ABOUT TAKING A HOLIDAY # 2

by

Paul Curtis

Iím thinking about taking a holiday
But I donít know where to go
I would like to go to Conclusions
But you have to jump there, so
As I canít do much physical activity
I would have to reluctantly say no

IíM THINKING ABOUT TAKING A HOLIDAY # 1

by

Paul Curtis

Iím thinking about taking a holiday
But I donít know where to go
However I may end up in Sane
How I get there, I donít know
As they don't have an airport
You can be driven there though

I LOVE CELEBRATING FATHER'S DAY

by

Paul Curtis

I love celebrating Father's day
With my sons and daughters
Though I do realize it can cause
Confusion in certain quarters

HEALING HANDS

by

Paul Curtis

Jesus cured all the sick and the lame
Apart from one scruffy man at the back
Jesus gestured him to come forward
"No way" he said "I'm on disability wack"

WHY UNITED?

by

Paul Curtis

My mate asked me why
Iím a United fan
I replied that it was
Because my brother Dan
Supported the Reds,
Also my dad was a United man
And my mum was a
Lifelong United fan
So that was why I was also
A Man United fan

"Thatís ridiculous" he said
"What if your brother was a thug?
Your mum was a prostitute
And your dad was on drugs
What would you be then?
You poor misguided fool?"
"Well obviously" I replied
"Then I'd support Liverpool"

MIRROR IMAGE

by

Paul Curtis

I thought that you
Really loved me
But I was wrong
And in reality
It was just my love
Reflecting back on me

MIRROR IMAGE

by

Paul Curtis

I thought that you
Really loved me
But I was wrong
And in reality
It was just my love
Reflecting back on me

THE RED DUSTER

by

Paul Curtis

The British merchantmen
Fly the "Red Duster"
And you will always see
The red ensign flutter

ARE YOU WEARING DENIM?

by

Paul Curtis

Are you wearing denim?
I didnít know you could still buy it
Itís just like I remember
And it still smells like shit

THE RED ENSIGN

by

Paul Curtis

The unsung heroes sail
Under The Red Ensign
The telltale flag flown
By British merchantmen

AS WE LAY UNDER THE STARS

by

Paul Curtis

As we lay under the stars
I had the perfect trinity
Music in my soul
Love in my heart
And you in my arms

EVERYONE WANTS TO BE THE STAR

by

Paul Curtis

Everyone wants to be the star
Of their own life story
But life isnít like a movie
You donít get the chance
To re-take the scenes you mess up
And it isnít like a play
That can be painstakingly rehearsed
You have to go on cold
You may dry up or miss your cue
Or fluff your lines
You may need prompting
You will probably have to improvise
But itís up to you how the drama unfolds
And whether you are hero or villain

ARE YOU WEARING BRUT?

by

Paul Curtis

Are you wearing brut?
How 1970s of you
And it smells as if
You splashed it all over too

ARE YOU WEARING BAGGY DUNGAREES?

by

Paul Curtis

Are you wearing baggy dungarees?
Oh yes theyíre the beeís knees
And I can get inside them with ease
In fact I can have them round your knees
Quicker than you can sneeze
Oh yes I like your baggy dungarees

ARE YOU WEARING A DIADEM?

by

Paul Curtis

Are you wearing a diadem?
Why are you some kind of princess?
No you actually have to be royalty
Not just daddyís little princess

ARE YOU WEARING A POPPY?

by

Paul Curtis

Are you wearing a poppy?
Wear it proudly on your lapel
Wear it with pride and respect
So everyone will be able to tell
That you recognise the sacrifice
Of those who fought and fell

HE CERTAINLY WASNíT MUCH OF A POLICEMAN # 2

by

Paul Curtis

He certainly wasnít much of a policeman
Of that most people would concur
His colleagues called him the Gurkha
Because he never took a prisoner

HE CERTAINLY WASNíT MUCH OF A POLICEMAN # 1

by

Paul Curtis

He certainly wasnít much of a policeman
Of that there was very little doubt
His colleagues called him the station cat
Because on rainy nights he never went out

THE RED SQUIRREL

by

Paul Curtis

The red squirrel
Cute arboreal Character
Once abundant in our woodland
Now small in number
Only survive in small pockets
Thanks to the grey intruder

THE RED KITE

by

Paul Curtis

The Red Kite
Beautiful in flight
In the cape verde sky
Raptor flying high

I WAS STOOD AT THE BAR LAST NIGHT

by

Paul Curtis

I was stood at the bar last night
When a vampire gave me a fright
As I fully expected him to take a bite
But instead he ordered a blood light

THERE WAS A MEXICAN SHEPHERD

by

Paul Curtis

There was a Mexican shepherd
Who once worked for my dad
And every Christmas time
He wished us Fleece Navidad

AFTER A LONG FLIGHT ON THE SLEIGH

by

Paul Curtis

After a long flight on the sleigh
Listening to Sleigh bells jingle
It wasnít milk and cookies
That made Santaís taste buds tingle
It was the thought of Mrs. Clausís
Freshly made Crisp Cringle

SO YOU THINK THAT YOU ARE CLAUSTROPHOBIC

by

Paul Curtis

So you think that you are Claustrophobic
Well I doubt that is a phobia of yours
As I should tell you that Claustrophobia
Is definitely not a fear of Santa Claus

OLIVE THE 10TH REINDEER

by

Paul Curtis

Olive the other reindeer,
Used to laugh and call him names
She never let poor Rudolph
Join in any reindeer games
So he planted drugs in her stall
And got her chucked off the team

WHAT DO YOU CALL A BLIND REINDEER?

by

Paul Curtis

What do you call a blind reindeer?
During the governments austere stance
"Fit for work and no longer eligible
For any disability allowance"

IíM WORRIED ABOUT ONE OF MY HENS

by

Paul Curtis

Iím worried about one of my hens
Thereís something wrong with Megs
I think she must have been possessed
As she keeps laying Devilled eggs

SOMEWHERE UNPRONOUNCEABLE # 3

by

Paul Curtis

I went on holiday to somewhere unpronounceable
The people suffered poverty and starvation
All the inhabitant had to live in their cars
It was the first time Iíd come across an in-car-nation

SOMEWHERE UNPRONOUNCEABLE # 2

by

Paul Curtis

I went on holiday to somewhere unpronounceable
Who have a novel approach to automation
You are not prohibited to own a motor car
Unless it is Pink, making them a Pink Car-nation

SOMEWHERE UNPRONOUNCEABLE # 1

by

Paul Curtis

I went on holiday to somewhere unpronounceable
Who have a novel approach to automation
You are not prohibited to own a motor car
Unless it is Red, making them a Red Car-nation

DRINK TO THE GLORY OF LOVE

by

Paul Curtis

Drink to the glory of love
From the loving cup
Before it spills
And evaporates away

PRESSED BLOOMS

by

Paul Curtis

Pressed blooms
Long since dried
Lovingly preserved
Betwixt printed pages
Mementos of love
From a time long ago
Flowers picked fresh
In the meadow
Where love bloomed
And a kiss was stolen

RED EYE

by

Paul Curtis

In all the photos of her
She was terribly Red Eyed
I thought it was the camera
But no matter how I tried
I couldnít get a good shot
But it wasnít a lack of skill
Or any technical fault
It turned out she was evil

RED SAILS IN THE SUNSET

by

Paul Curtis

The Platterís were crooning
"Red Sails in the sunset"
So I asked her to dance
And the moment our eyes met
My heart sailed away
And it hasnít returned yet

MY DOG MUST BE MUSICAL

by

Paul Curtis

My dog must be musical
What rubbish I hear you groan
But he must be I tell you
As I saw him eating a trombone

ARE YOU WEARING LEDERHOSEN?

by

Paul Curtis

Are you wearing lederhosen?
Well thatís a look you could lose
And they make your buttocks squeak
Like a pair of new shoes

ANNA WAS A GOOD TIME GIRL

by

Paul Curtis

Anna was a good time girl
In fact she really had a ball
And we called her Anna Glypta
As she liked it up against the wall

THE RED HOUSE

by

Paul Curtis

I met her in the Red House
When she gave me the eye
I gave her an appraising look
And thought Iíd give her a try
I knew my luck was in when
She was unbuttoning my fly

THE RED LION

by

Paul Curtis

I met her at the Red Lion
Almost forty years ago
It was in the lounge bar
Beside the fires cozy glow

As soon as our eyes met
I was lost and I knew
My heart was hers forever
And cupids aim was true

RED NOSE

by

Paul Curtis

He had a large red nose
Just like a strawberry
His pock marked snozz
Was not a thing of beauty
But it was not a drinkerís nose
In fact on the contrary
It was actually the result
Of learning to eat with cutlery

RED ADMIRAL

by

Paul Curtis

Red admiral flutter by
You Beautiful butterfly
Drink from the buddleia
Lovely Vanessa atalanta

RED HAT

by

Paul Curtis

She was a stunner
In her new red hat
And it turned a few heads
Have no doubt of that

She was not dressed
As someone one ignores
But everyone was thinking
"Red hat no drawers"

SAME SEX MARRIAGE

by

Paul Curtis

Thereís a lot of discussion at the moment
About "same sex marriage"
Well having been married for thirty years
Iíd like a "some sex marriage"

KUBLAI KHANíS MONGOL HORDE

by

Paul Curtis

Kublai Khanís Mongol horde
Set Sail In 1274
To conquer Japan
And add it to his empire
But the great deity Raijin
Conjured up a typhoon
And his Divine wind
Destroyed the Khanís fleet
And saved the Japanese
But in 1281
They sailed again
The largest fleet every assembled
Four thousand ships
Carrying 140000 men
But when they were off the shore
Once again Raijin
Brought the Kamikaze
And scattered the fleet
To the four winds
And thwarted Kublai Khan
And he never tried again

I CHATTED TO A GIRL IN THE PUB

by

Paul Curtis

I chatted to a girl in the pub
And suspecting her gullibility
I proceeded to proudly boast
About my special ability

"I can divine when a woman
Was born, to the very day
Just by feeling her breasts
Itís as simple as childís play"

"Really? Is that really true?"
She said "or is it just a lie
Just so you can feel my tits
But go on then give it a try"

So I had a good fondle
And thought she is so dumb
And I teased her nipples
Till they were as fat as my thumb

But she started to get impatient
And I heard her say
"Come on then, what day was I born"?
I replied, "it was yesterday"

PUT DOWN # 49

by

Paul Curtis

Put downs work the best
For deflecting unwanted attention
But try to be amusing
As this relieves the tension
Allow me to give you an example
By way of a demonstration

When I was in a club one night
It must have been nearly half past two
A woman said to me "If you lost weight,
Shaved and cut your hair you would do
I replied "yes but if I did all that,
Iíd be talking to your mates instead of you"

MY DOCTOR SAID IíM BORDERLINE OBESE

by

Paul Curtis

My doctor said Iím borderline obese
But it didnít bother me at all
Because at the end of the day
That makes me borderline Normal

I GOT CAUGHT TAKING A PISS

by

Paul Curtis

I got caught taking a piss
In the local swimming pool
The lifeguard shouted so loud,
I nearly fell in. the bloody fool