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Chinadoll

of

Rowland Heights, CA, US

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Contemplative; A Girl, Few Days After Her Birthday

by

Chinadoll

Prologue

Today I sit here in all of my nakedness
No super brand name make-up,
Hair unclean and unkempt.
Im driving down the street alone
And I suddenly thought,
Wow. Youre eighteen now.
What am I going to do?
I look in the mirror and I see
Ugliness.
I avoid the mirror. Please dont look at me
I say silently to all the drivers around me.
I hide behind my apathy.
Perhaps, lets start from the beginning.
The days before my birthday,
I panicked and fretted.
The day that I looked forward to
Since I was a wee child was finally here.
The special day was finally here,
Yet I did not feel special.
Nothings changed.
Bewilderment and anger filled my heavy heart.
I felt more like Holden than ever.
All my dreams and hopes came crashing down.
I do not feel beautiful like She does.
Nor do I feel glamorous and confident.
Thats what I wanted, thats what I still want.
Is there anything wrong with that, Mister?
Am I shallow and superficial?
I hope not, but I know I am.

Birthday

October twenty-ninth.
The day was here
And I was in my Halloween costume.
How appropriate, I thought bitterly.
I was surrounded with meaningless balloons.
They now sit deflated in my garage.
The day was tiring.
Precious gifts were given to me from mother and aunt.
Daddy, wheres your present?
Feelings of gratitude won me over.
I sat smiling in the midst of it all.
It was a genuine smile.
I promise it was.
Yes I was immature.
Still possible might be.
But unkept fantasies are a horrible thing.
They eat away at your spirit and soul.
Now I fear college might be the same.
Future looks bleak in reality.
In my head, future shines dazzling
On the silver screen.

The End

Rowland is tortuous
I want to get out.
I swear to you life is better outside.
Is that just a childish hope?
The hardened side of me thinks so.
Big metropolitan apartment and my soul mate husband
Together we reside in our safe little haven.
Fame. That too.
That is all I want of my future.
I look in the mirror
A happy and content face smiles back at me.
That is my future.