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Tina Bursch

of

St. Joseph, MN, US

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The Unnamed Feeling

by

Tina Bursch

There is
a hard cold stone
smooth and worn
it sits down deep
between
my heart and my stomach.

Sometimes
I don't feel it there.
Other times, it pushes,
rattles around
making me aware of its presence--
its cold hard
thereness.

It doesn't have a name
it's just a lump
of awareness
a sometimes bother.

If I could give it a name
I could touch it,
I could grasp it,
I could pluck it
from its throne
and heave it
finally and forever
out into space.

But,
this feeling
this cold hard thing
cannot be named.
It won't allow me to make it tangible.

So for now,
I must be satisfied
to dance around its existence,
hovering,
and wondering
when it will
find its name
that it might go
and leave me in peace.

Admission

by

Tina Bursch

Let me tell you where I've been, Mama.
Let me tell you what I've learned, Daddy.

I've been on a journey--
though I didn't know it.
I thought I still had my feet
planted firmly in one place.
My mind deceived me
or
my feet began the journey
on their own
without my consent or knowledge.

You knew--you both knew.
You saw--you both saw.
But I
was in a haze
unhearing, unseeing, unfeeling.
I had trapped myself
in a cold twisted cage.
What I saw was not the truth.
What I felt was not reality.
My control was a myth.

The only feeling I could feel
was fear.

I didn't even feel the pain--
I ignored it with all my strength
until I was so tired and worn out.
So cold and utterly
lonely
in my secret cage that
everyone saw but me.

My faith told my mind
I felt power and control
but I felt nothing.
I felt no love--
though it was there.
I felt no support--
though it awaited my acceptance.

I finally felt
afraid.
Felt afraid of where I
was headed.
It has taken every ounce
of my will
to turn around.

The strength and effort
which used to go towards
the twisted obsession--
I use it to convince myself
that I now have the power
to overcome.
I have strength to make the journey home.

Above all, I deserve
to heal,
to find
who I am,
to feel
warmth,
love,
worth.

For so long,
I punished myself,
locked myself up.
I've found the key
and I will use it.

Mama, Daddy,
I'm on my way home.

My journey has made me tired.
I cannot be who I was before.
She's changed.
I can
be the best I am able to be
but I cannot do it
for you.
I must be me
for me.

I'm worth
my own love.