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Emma - Louise Braiden

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Brisbane, Queensland, Australia

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Accidental Miracle

by

Emma - Louise Braiden


He was in my life before i turned 15 years of age
I did not even know he existed
My mother was the first to realise
She cried herself to sleep
She saw doctors, specialists, friends
But he was there to stay
I knew he would be a disruption to my life
I knew it was bad timing
It would be my senior years that would be effected the most

Then my dad found out
All hell broke loose
Thats when the tears finally found escape
The swelling grew larger
Month by month
Christmas came and went
Bringing with it the New Year
And him, a new life
With a dramatic entrance into the world
He fought for his life for a week
Then we brought him home
Healthy and pink

I learnt to bathe him and dress him
And to hold his delicate little head
Time would stop as his warm body moulded into my chest
I loved him more than i could have thought possible
He grew larger and longer
He learnt to smile and laugh
A sound i had been waiting for since his birth
Slowly time moved on
He developed new skills
Learnt to sit up, to crawl
Learnt to cuddle back

As i watch his soft blonde hair
Stick wet to his head in the bath
His large blue eyes
Framed with thick black lashes
I can't help but wonder what my life would have been like without him
Without his toothy grin
His dimpled smile
His sweet baby laugh
The cheeky look he gets when he finds something breakable...
I do not think my life would have been quite as complete

For an accidental miracle
He has brought so much joy
Thank you Harrison
My baby brother, baby boy.


Untitled

by

Emma - Louise Braiden

Why the hell do we
HAVE TO LOVE
Why?
I can have no controll
Over love
And i need controll
I need to know what will happen tommorow
Who will drop out of the sky
And confess their love
To me

I don't want that
Why can't i live without
Love
Why?

But then...
Purhaps i do need love
Purhaps i want it more than i realise
But can not find it
Purhaps i am not looking hard enough
Or trying hard enough
But why should love be hard?
Why?

I would be happy
If love came to me
In a small paper-wrapped package
With a small red rose attached
Inside
Will be a small glass jar
Containing a small portion
Of the greatest love in the world

That would be easy
I could handle that
I could live with that

But no
It has to be so
Damn
Hard


Longing for Love

by

Emma - Louise Braiden

Curled up by the window
she sits in waiting
Eyes downcast
Thoughts elsewhere
Will she ever love
Can she ever love
Should she ever love him...

His body moves silently
He sits close beside her
Places an arm around her waist
Kisses her softly
Will she ever accept
Can she ever accept
Should she ever accept him...

Darkened by her confusion
And the clouded nights sky
She rests her head
On his inviting shoulder
Will she ever explain
Can she ever explain
Should she ever explain to him...

Her eyes grow heavy
Exhaustion takes controll
Her body drops to the foor
She wishes to dream
Will she ever believe
Can she ever believe
Should she ever believe in him...

He lays beside her
Places delicate kisses
On her cheek
She does not stir
Not until the first rays
Of golden morning light
Creep into her room
Dancing over her drowsy face
Not until then does she wake

She finds her bed
Her walls
Her belongings
All the same
As they were when she left them

One night of longing
A night of hopefull dreams
In life she has love
From another
So openly provided
Yet she is unable to love
Unable to accept
Unable to explain
Unable to believe
What does that leave her with?

Nothing
But her dreams


Sylvia

by

Emma - Louise Braiden

(this was written for sylvia, as the name implies, my step-dad's mother on her 60th birthday. i suppose that would make her my step grannie! it was to celebrate the amazing role she has played in my life in the short time i have known her, and the support she has given my family as we all struggled to come through the divorce...)

Thank you for always being
For always caring
Thank you

We came into your life
As strangers
Our only connection
Through your eldest son
Our mothers lover
Intruders
In such a large number
We came

Some were quiet
Some angry
Some sad
Hurt humans
From painful times
Yet you accepted us anyway
Insecurities and all

You have made a huge mark
On the canvas of my life
At only 16 years
I feel i have lived a thousand

A quiet touch
Soft smile
A kindly hello
You radiate with pure
Beauty
Your influence is immeasurable
Stable and secure
You are a subtle guide
A beacon of strength
And integrity

Thank you for allowing us
To extend onto your family
And to be part of
Your love-rich world
You are more precious
Than physical words can express

I wish for you
The most memorable birthday
To celebrate
Your most memorable life.


Institution

by

Emma - Louise Braiden

Year 12 is supposed to be the best year
You are supposed to get so much freedom
Not so
I am sick of being the 'nice' girl
The 'quiet' girl
The 'polite' girl
'A pleasure to teach'

Well, the pleasure is certainly not mine
I have been so cooperative
So pleasant for too long
Now i disagree
I am sick of your crap
I am sick of your contradictions
Sick of your hypocrisy
I am sick of you

I make waves, i question
I question the relevance
Your authority
Your ability
Your integrity
>Yet you do not even hear me

I question you.


Looking for inspiration...

by

Emma - Louise Braiden

They look for inspiration
In all the wrong places
Creativity of the nation
There are no new spaces
For immature hopefulls
And dreamers alike
The force that pulls
Stabs like a spike
It pushes you forward
Then drops you cold
A blank drawing-board
can never be sold.

(this is just an attempt to try and show the frustration i am feeling towards my lack of inspiration needed to compile an art piece for my art class, i always find that i have so much more ease with words...they can be understood and interpreted so much easier...!)


Back-to-front

by

Emma - Louise Braiden

I am of two minds,
I love you,
I need you
But
I don't want you
I don't want your eyes
I don't want your lips
I don't want your touch
I don't want your words
I
DON'T WANT YOU

I can not,
Am not worthy of
And
Am not ready for
Your love
Yet you
Persist
You write, you write
You WRITE
Never talk
Your words of love
Are empty
I do not doubt your feelings
But I doubt your motive
Am i second best
A comprimise?
I do not look
Like her
I do not act
Like her
I am not
Her

I long for another
A lover
In touch with
Me
Not numbers

I long to laugh
Share stupid jokes
Be free
Have intimacy
I DON'T want for you
To change
But we are not
Right
For each other
Yet you
Persist....


Social Life

by

Emma - Louise Braiden

Beauty is desired
Life is expired
I feel like i am wired
A marrionette on strings

Radience and charm
A pink slender arm
I ask to be calm
But my mind decays with rage

Wobbly and white
A scare in the night
A tender, gastly sight
Follows me by day

Who would know the pain
Washed away by rain
A faded amber stain
Is all that will remain.


Silent Storm

by

Emma - Louise Braiden

I lay here, like a silent storm
My mind races beyond time
A million thoughts and nothing
Yet my heart refuses to speak
It stays silent.

My head contains confusion,
A silent storm
It longs for clarification
From my dead heart
But it stays silent.

I scream SPEAK, so silently
My heart turns away
Not willing to share it's secret
The true feelings i crave
Only silence

All i want is relief
To know truth and peace
What is it that my head can think
But my heart can never feel

Silent storm


The devil incarnate

by

Emma - Louise Braiden

The devil incarnate
He calls her
She grows two small horns
Screams her lungs
Into oblivion

The devil incarnate
Not her but him
So he says
He smiles contently
Decends to hell.


Thoughts of a bitter friend

by

Emma - Louise Braiden

I am a bitter, closed in person
Though this does not show
You think that i am happy
You think that i am free
But i know that this can never be.

I do not blame my parents
For this change they made in me
To see her walk out the door
It would have happened anyway
It was the right thing, so they say.

You can never understand
I know you struggle
You feel pain, hurt and grief
But your life is perfect
Beyond belief

You have a family, under one roof
Under one name
One life
You have happiness at your doorstep
Are you, can you, do you really feel pain?

I have sympathy for your obstacles
However small they may seem to me
I know they are mountains
In your path
But can you see my tear-stains?

Please realise that i am not like you
Not as beautiful, or as inteligent
Not as content to let my down my walls
Please see that when i'm down
I have so much further to fall.


Laura

by

Emma - Louise Braiden

Why do i feel so threatened?
It's as if as soon as she enters,
A one-man competition begins,
And lasts, draining all sence, until she leaves.

There is no reason to feel threatened.
She is younger, prittier, a figure to behold,
Immature
I am older. (Wisdom meets age...)

Yet she is threatening, just her name
Spoken by a stranger
No-real-life context, just a sugar-sweet name
Brings skeletons to dance around me.

Pritty as a flower
Bitter as a lemon
Sweet is her name
Hatred is my game...


The poet

by

Emma - Louise Braiden

I write
Because i can
Because it comes easy
For me
I write
About emotions
And life
Reality
I write
For myself
about others
Mostly
and
I write
Because i feel
And express
Freely.


Trap of Sanity

by

Emma - Louise Braiden

A heavy head with long, dark hair
Is laid softly on her arm
Her eyes are red, she doesn't care
At least her world is calm
To long her eyes are open wide
She sees the crap around her
For now she will turn aside
Never will she stir

Another day, another tear
Shed secretly in the dark
Her growing hate turns into fear
Which in turn makes its mark
To know you is a burden
To love you is a chore
For now she pulls the curtain
And quickly shuts the door

She cries, away
She screams, don't stay
She begs for you to leave
Yet all you do is smirk and glare
It's another trap you weave.


Ode to the Frangipani

by

Emma - Louise Braiden

Your lure
Yellow-sweet and enticing
Pulls me closer as i walk by

Your symbol
Perfection in small roundedness
Of truth and long-lost innocence

Your mystery
Forgotten fragrance
And sinserity

My obsession
With your power
Held secure by life


Angel

by

Emma - Louise Braiden

Gardian Angel
Hangs by her Neck
Eyelids Closed
On Wrinkled, pale Skin
Tiny Lashes
Never Move
Her Wings of Rafia
Cascade down her
Back
Lost in the Folds
Of her Gown
Non-existant Hands
Clutch a Ring of Crimson Flowers
Gold Rose in the Centre
Still and Silent she Stays
Gently Swaying in the Breeze
Peaceful Angel
Gardian of My Dreams


Vivid Imagery

by

Emma - Louise Braiden

A long lost friend
Lives out her life in my mind
Does she exist?
The story unwinds
The detail, the imagery
My eyelids twist
I cannot remember
I'm down on both knees
I beg my mind, my inteligence
To let me see in
But i fear
I am too tense.


Reminisce

by

Emma - Louise Braiden


Run with the cool night air
Catch the swarming bugs
Sprawl on the crisp green grass
As soft as persian rugs

No one need know
That you are here
And they are faraway
'Cause this is your time
When dark is near
Make peace with the stars tonight

Twinkle in the deep blue sky
Sing your song to the trees
Make a wish, you don't have long
Then brush the dust from your knees.


Desire

by

Emma - Louise Braiden

She walks with her head held high
Exagerating her height
She desires the illusion of length
The illusion of slender limbs
Gacefulness

Inside she is heavy and huge
Her round face falls
As she realises the reality
She has no grace to offer
Just uglyness


With your love...I am free

by

Emma - Louise Braiden


'Cause I'm free
With your arms extended longingly
And I know
That I can never let you go
So now please
Leave me be to search my mind
I will need
A place that i can call just mine
Will you fly
With me to highest mountain tops
Where we'll see
The valley's and the deep cliff drops
You are mine
So please say you will stay that way
'Cause we'll run
Together and I'll not stray

I am free
With your love
I'm free


Maybe Lady

by

Emma - Louise Braiden

Maybe lady we can dance
forever
Under the moonlight in the dark
night sky
Your shadow will turn and
change before me
While i can only watch with
wonder
How can you become so
graceful
You are the jewel of
this moment
Maybe lady you could love me
deeply
Then we would be ok forever.


HIM

by

Emma - Louise Braiden

His eyes, they know
More than i could hope for.

They twist and turn
And hit my soul's closed door.

I breathe, just breathe
To feel the pain resurface.

He soothes my tears
With his calm reasurance.

I wish to hold
Him close to my dark heart.

Purhaps i won't
This is only the start...


Baby - Blue

by

Emma - Louise Braiden

Cold heart beating
Where will you go,
Who will take you?

Are you here, or
Are you there
Or are you faraway?

Will i know and
Do i care
Or is my heart of stone?


Girl-Fire

by

Emma - Louise Braiden

She walks down the
Cold cement stairs
Heavy bag, heavy burden
Long black hair flicks
Across her fire-eyes

The lashes sweep up
Opens her soul to
The prying fingers of us
As we delve
Unaware of her heat

Fire burns and dances
Engulfs their pity
Repells us to the floor
We retreat as children
Afraid for our souls

Afraid for what soul?


Dear Soul Keeper...

by

Emma - Louise Braiden

Tiny fires of passion
Burn away my soul
Who am i to judge them
But can i let them grow?

I'm so afraid they'll burn away
Before i get a chance
To build them up and make them rise
To dance their fire-bright dance.


Escape from anger

by

Emma - Louise Braiden

Anger tears at my control
My delicate hold on sanity
It pulls apart my morals
Races round my mind

I think thoughts
Iknow i shouldn't
I scream words
I know cause pain
I throw fists
Thump walls
Become electric with heat

Weep at the torment
My body needs relief
My body wants peace
From all this anger

Anger
Churns
Hot and cold
Then drops
Me
Down
There is no escape.


Who are you?

by

Emma - Louise Braiden


When will the masking end?
Is it here to stay?
I hate the masking and the lies
The false smiles you wear

Grow up

Get over it

It was not his fault
Not that i would know
I'm only here
Not important
Furniture

'Oh yes, and there is 'her',
I put up with her cause i have to'

I will glare at you and scream
You won't even flinch
You have become so hard
What happened to that sweet little girl
She so desperately wanted to please

Now she is gone

And you are here

You
Who do you think you are?
With your glamour and style
You are crumpled inside
Crumpled and broken and hateful
Yet you hide behind masks
Your favourite - the mask of pretence

- of ignorence -

You cover your intensions
You blot out your thoughts
Maybe if you don't acknowledge them
They will go away

Not so

You feel compelled to hate
You hate him
Unfairly
But life is not fair
Your life was unfair
And you still believe that you will be swept off your feet
But how can you be when you hate him so badly
You will laugh as he is lowered into the ground

But on the inside you have died

Maybe you should leave
Just go away
I don't want to see you again.


The Remnants of You

by

Emma - Louise Braiden

What gets to me is your attitude
The way you view life
How two-faced your motives are
How can you be?
How can you live like that?

These remnants i see here beside me
A few centimeters away
Your clothes and books - there
Innocently normal appearance

Yet you are so far from innocence
That your smile is jaded
And can no longer be called a smile
You can no longer be called a child...


No Emotion

by

Emma - Louise Braiden

I see, stretched out before me
A timeless horizon and a rolling grey sea
Soft white peaks form in the distance
Temporary specks of waves to come
Erupting in a tangle of foam and power
On the soft, beige sands

A sea-gull, walking indignant
Red eyes see all
Cracks of lightning hit the water
Thunder overhead, anger engulfs my soul
I glare, bitter at those around me
How dare they be so free, and alive with life

The sea, it is inanimate
It does not feel or breathe
I wish to join the sea,
To merge into its depths, forget this life
Such a long, painful journey
Inevitable emotion, never required

As i become part of the ocean, free to drift
To flow with the currents, i am no longer me.


I know...

by

Emma - Louise Braiden

I love you
Yes, i know
Then what comes next?
Just go with the flow

I crave more
Yes, i know
Is there hope?
I've got to go...

I need you
Yes, i know
A little longer?
I can't say no

I missed you
Yes, i know
But now you're here
Take it slow.


lonley nights

by

Emma - Louise Braiden

Lonely nights in my room
I lay, awake yet
in another reality.

Lonely nights i find peace
At ease with myself
and all i have to offer.

Lonely nights i adore
For this freedom knows
no other comparison.

Lonely nights in my room
I do fear
They will last forever...


diary of a soul, falling...

by

Emma - Louise Braiden


5/7/02 " Free-Spirit and i set up the the cover and tables for the stall- it looked amazing...she is a great friend."

6/7/02 "Then Free-Spirit rang, she didn't want to go home, so she came here."

7/7/02 "Annoyance - at myself for not being able to get over it and at Free-Spirit for her, her troubles, her parents, her situation, her imposing on my life."

9/7/02 "i am really enjoying Free-Spirt's company."

12/7/02 "She's very nervous about seeing her parents tomorrow. i don't blame her, i'd be too."

13/7/02 "She was crying when she got back. the poor thing, she has cried so much this last week..."

17/7/02 "Free-Spirit and i stayed up till 12:00 to see my 18th in. she gave me my prezzie."

20/7/02 " Then it dawned on me - jealousy. he was taking Free-Spirit away from me....we did shadow puppets to the light of the moon and both slept in the same bed. it was really nice. i am going to miss her when she goes."

21/7/02 " woke at 8am - Free-Spirit was rolling on me."

22/7/02 " And i don't want her to go. And when she does, i think it will take me quite a while to get back to normal..."

23/7/02 "We took a detour back, and as we we heading home an owl flew in front of the car and we hit it...we took it back and buried it."

24/7/02 "...i feel sort of bad cause she can only stay here for a bit longer. Mum is getting tired."

25/7/02 " Then Free-Spirit and i went shopping. we got some undies..."

28/7/02 "Oh-Ok, well...Slept in bed with him and Free-Spirit...it was an interesting and squishy experience...she felt a bit sick so i put my hand on her head to take away the illness..."

30/7/02 "Free-Spirit got back. she was a zombie. went to my room. she fell asleep. i started to clean..."

1/8/02 "Oh God, I'm going to miss her."

2/8/02 "i think she was just tired, but she was irritated by me today."

3/8/02 "I love her, but i don't know if it's sexual or just friendship love...when she goes it will probably be different...just watched her fall asleep, by her request...i miss her already and she'd just over there...in life however, there are no such guarentees. so i didn't, i put my hand to my mouth to stop something i might regret."

4/8/02 "i really feel like crying - but don't seem able to....it just feels so wrong going to bed by myself."

5/8/02 "she sounded very distant. i fear that i have lost her already...i have fallen in love with you. (god, how many times have you heard that now!)"

9/8/02 "I got a bit pissed off at Free-Spirit cause she just lay on my floor. i went and got the matress and blanket. then she asked me to get her two bags...i'm tired too you know..."

13/8/02 " and we kissed and it was so beautiful - in my dream...yes i will tell her, its only fair...she's supposed to stay the night, i don't know if she'll want to."

16/8/02 "She didn't freak, she didn't run. it was so normal...i do not have the same 'access' to her touch...i know her too well. i can predict her behaviour - but still cannot protect myself from it...it was like hugging a plank of wood."

17/08/02 " I cried. i cried my first tears for her...perhaps i let my guard down too much."

18/08/02 "she is an actions girl. just do it, if it feels good then thats a bonus...she teases and toys with your mind...this needs to end."

19/08/02 "I asked her what she would have done if i had touched her hand at the movies. she laughed and said she didn't know, and left it at that. she would have pulled away..."

30/08/02 " what an awesome day! all cause of Free-Spirit of course!... she actually gave me a hug...she can give really good hugs when she wants."

5/09/02 "...the only problem is that she has fed my hope...'it would just have to happen'...God, i don't know what to feel, what to think, what to do, what to say, how to act, how to treat her..."

6/09/02 " i still love her - but have less of that intense edge...i really think i need to let her go...lift my fingers off her life..."

9/09/02 "I need to find my balance between desperatly searching and not noticing when 'it' comes along..."

15/09/02 " realised that i do still miss Free-Spirit, it's still there after all this time."

18/10/02 " she told me that her parents had questioned her about my being gay...they can say what they want about me, but when dragging her into it...thats just rude"

20/10/02 " Free-Spirit ended up lying in my arms, and we both fell asleep that way. it was really really nice to be that close...i don't know if she is testing me consciously or not, but it definately seems like she is seeing just what i will do."

21/10/02 "its so awful falling in love with someone over and over again."

25/10/02 "she rolled into me during the night. it was so curious. she put her leg on my hip and snuggled her head into my side."

27/10/02 "she finds it hard to understand how some people can be so blind, yet she has her eyes closed too."

28/10/02 "i don't know what to make of her. i despise her for her cruelty - yet am inevitably drawn back to her energy."

29/10/02 "in that moment i hated her yet loved her all at once."

31/10/02 "Damn Free-Spirit, i need answers..."

1/11/02 "with Free-Spirit, really, you never know whats going to happen...i know nothing will ever come of this, but she is continually feeding my hope- thus i am continually hopefull...this is what i am asking of you free-Spirirt, i need you to take the step and put an end to my hope...i want to hear no if it is no, yes if it is yes. black and white."

4/11/02 " i asked her if it would be ok if we talked. so we went over the stuff i was dying to get out...stupid hope kept popping up and longingly wanting to hold her to me. gather her up in my arms."

5/11/02 " mum was telling me that she is worried i'm going to get hurt - i told her that its's inevitable."

6/11/02 " she said no "


Perfection

by

Emma - Louise Braiden


I find U by my side
I seek U by the water
I call to U from the rocks
U hear me
U spread out the horizon
U billow the clouds
U spray the salt from the ocean
U splice my soul on this edge
Perfection
I find U here
By my side
Having never left me
U never left me.


Manifest

by

Emma - Louise Braiden

The fire light...
it dances,
reaches,
screams for air.
The shaddows
on the wall
flash
like a nightmare.
Her form,
golden-tan
in this light
soft peaks, valleys
endless depths
inviting texture.
She changes
with the fire,
as the shadows
manifest
and

scream...


The Stages of Being

by

Emma - Louise Braiden

That stare,
The one of one
Who knows not what they feel,
Where they are, or who they want.

That dip
Of the head,
who knows when, or how
But supposedly
Things can only get better.

That laugh,
dead giveaway,
You are not
what your think,
or say you are.

That sigh,
that screams
In subtle breathe
Just above a whisper,
This is the end.


The Curse of Feeling

by

Emma - Louise Braiden

There are times on this journey of life where i just want to give thanks to a greater entity for the gift of living. i become overwhelmed by all that is true, pure and positive; my heart feels in all intensity, that life is worthwhile -and i feel for a fleeting moment, the fear of loosing it all.

There are also times when loosing life does not seem so horribly wrong. these are the moments where i am overwhelmed by all that is true, unequal and negative; my heart becomes bogged down by these emotions and my head forms a haze. i can not breathe without feeling the effort. "its like glass in my head, everyday..." a beautiful man once said.

For me its an old patchwork blanket, suffocatingly heavy and dark when drapped over your entire body. yet to look at it from above, you can appreciate it for its intricate detail and beauty - the greater design - Life.


A scattering of nonsence

by

Emma - Louise Braiden

The moon is ripe.
The chestnut said,
Those hills will bring the dawn.
Please rest your head.
That chestnut said,
For soon a day is born.
That star above,
This chestnut read,
Does twinkle like the rest.
The sky it loves.
Thine chestnut read,
T'will soon complete it's quest.

I disagree,
The oak replied.
You know not what you say.
You surely lied.
The oak then sighed,
And turned his head away.
A moon that's ripe,
This oak exclaimed,
Is but a load of tripe.
As is a star,
Thine oak did claim,
Not found beside a stripe.

suddenly...

by

Emma - Louise Braiden

I crumpled - mouth dry
Centre of attention
Focus of questioning
Was I alright?
I'm fine
The Glass crackled under me
I sat, I stood
I became another me -
She took over
Professional yet plesant
Details were exchanged
Amazement expressed
Calls were made - not my phone
Procedure to follow
Now we wait
I see her face
As if her first-born had died
Me
With clutching grasp
We stood
Darkness emphasised the flashes
Blue - red - blue - red - blue
Yellow of the streetlamp
So much glass
Am I ok?
I'm fine
But how...?
With tearing metal
My car is pulled free
Gaping hole
Exposes more glass
Glass in my shoes
On my clothes - my hair?
Are you alright?
Just a bit sore.

A thought

by

Emma - Louise Braiden

its an odd thought really; how much our lives are controlled by seconds. your conception took seconds - and you existed. sure, you were a simple zygote, but you had life. You were beginning.

then, if you want to look at it from a different perspective, you've got death. mere seconds. as i drove along our street taking a letter to the post office, i was seconds away from death. if my little sibling had not been so indecisive about comming or not, i would have left earlier, the other car would not have been able to avoid me. i would have been crushed upon impact.

seconds....

Twin Flames

by

Emma - Louise Braiden

Twin flames, LIT from the same source BURN in their HALF circle dance. What is their DESTINY tonight? I watch as the FLAMES unite the power of LIGHT, strenghtening the bond of EXISTANCE.

In a BLINK, one flame is extinguished by an unseen force. It's BIRTH space a cooling hollow of NOTHING. Still the other FLAME burns. Somewhat diminished of POWER and essence.

I look, noticing the LOSS. I think NOTHING more of it. A flame is lost EVERYDAY. What is so SIGNIFICANT here? Then i feel, I feel the pain of the REMAINING light. I know what i MUST do.

I place this SOUL, this half of one, this SUFFERER to my lips. With a kiss of mercy and FREEDOM I release the flame to reunite with its other SELF. I am left with two COOLING hollows of nothing.

Until tomorrow...

Journey Desire

by

Emma - Louise Braiden

Into the depths we ventured
Or rather, I led, holding a lamp
Calling out encouragement to you
Pulling you along by my side
You were hesitant, scared
You shut your eyes and refused to continue
But i persisted
And into the depths we plunged.

But it was my greed that drove us down
It was my need
I am sure there were times you wanted to leave
But you stayed
And after time it was ok
Even enjoyable
You hardly ever stopped anymore
You were changed
I was different
The depths had distorted what once was
We pretended not to notice
But it was there, always there
As plain as the daylight we had left behind.

Time passed and the depths took their toll
You left my side and wandered off
I knew where you were going
But i didn't follow
It was now your choice
I had led us to this place
Now it was your turn to decide
Eternity and a day saw me find an exit
The daylight scorched my eyes
It was warm and inviting
Yet i hesitated

I had known the depths for so long
I wasn't sure if i wanted to leave
Were you out there already?
I sat as i waited for a sign
I did not want light if you were still caught in the depths
Then you found me
You were in such bad shape
Broken and bruised
I wanted to hold you to me and return to the light
But you were unable to reach

I sat with you
But we slowly slipped backwards
The light a far off glimmer
Again we pretended not to notice
I began to wonder what it was about light that was so unreachable
I looked into your eyes
Hoping they held the key
And it was in that moment
That i could see
We both needed to find our own light source
The depths had distorted us
We were no longer two
But a disfunctional one

My heart tore as i walked away
And stepped, blinking into the day.

Messed up Muddled up Muck

by

Emma - Louise Braiden

Feels like shit - this feeling of mine
The cycle has turned through another time
How many hearts do i have to break
As now my own is put at stake
I love him. I know i do
After all this time - i'd have to?
So why can't i let myself feel
My brain it tells me this isn't real
I didn't want to hurt you
Know thats true
I am just a fucked up girl (without a clue)
What did u see inside of me
Something bizzare i can't let free
Seems i'm trapped to play this out
To give this cycle another bout
When will i finally learn my task
At this rate - not until i'm the very last...

Late night musing

by

Emma - Louise Braiden

Alone all along - fliter flutter in and out
the people come
move about
i have know so many - souls in transit
an intersection
a cross road
central station
wanting more - wanting you
Wanting depth
Stability that seems intangible
Impossibility in romantic idealism
Yet seemingly reachable - or just tainted perception?
Perhaps not yet prepared
For this merging of identities
Not yet ready for this vulnerablity
but craving - another depth to life

(I fear however, that i am too self absorbed
Too stuck in loving my own essence
Caught up in times past - or at least mesmerised
drawn in by my own complexity
narrow focus - energy - this needs to be released)

Sumsari

by

Emma - Louise Braiden

Troubled connection
Associated via pain
However wonderous
My immaturity
Your graciousness
Fear and stupidity
Sleeping regret
Luminous realisation
Peace sought
Tears mended
Wounds dressed
Soothing reassurance
Your skeptisism
My vulnerablity
Fragile footing
Pleasant surroundings
Inner contentment
Wistful smile
Yet impatience
Focus tested
Thoughts elsewhere
Affections with you.

This Depth

by

Emma - Louise Braiden


My Beloved
My green-eyed God
My Lord
My precious...
It is a strange state
That which i am in.
A state of mind
Too powerful
Far too intense
For me to fully feel it.
Do i love you too much?
Is this some defence?
Or is it simply
Not possible
For my emotions
To delve as far
As i fear i have...

Always a Tomorrow

by

Emma - Louise Braiden


One step,
Bodies swing in unison
As i move with you
Arms interlocked
Hips touching
We walk by the ocean.

Two hands,
Laid upon each other
Smooth against the table
My eyes meet yours
As we sit in waiting
For yet another shared meal.

Three tears,
Fall from my cheeks
Wet cascades
Undeniable pain
I need your security
Yet i know this hurt is inevitable.

Four words,
I love you baby
Whispered in pleasure
Melody to our tune
The beat of our bodies
And the rhythm of our love.

Five truths,
You are mine
I am yours
I loved you then
I love you now
And i WILL love you tomorrow.

So educated - yet drowning in stupidity

by

Emma - Louise Braiden

You lie, crumpled on the floor
Fallen sobbing disgrace
"Why does she cry - it was her decision?"
Pain does strange things to sanity
Love is even worse

This is your mess
And you know that too deeply
It scares you, shakes you to your depth
This is not a monster that can be outrun
This is you_

What if you just lost?
Perhaps this was something beautiful?
How can you close the door,
No matter how slowly?
Is this right?

And what of happiness
Is there a portion left for you?
The pain must have swallowed it all
Look at this emptiness
What are you going to put there?

Now that you’re deaf
Faint voices of contentment ring in the distance
Too far to grasp
Too close to ignore
Just smile your brown-eyed smile

To think - he loved you once
And what did you say_
"You will love him tomorrow"
Strangely true
Disturbing sleep once again

Now to wait for the unattainable
To sit in time
Watch the life fly about you
Elusive, but irrelevant
This is your hole girl_your doing.

Certain Uncertainty

by

Emma - Louise Braiden

The desire is strong
Distractingly so
I want to know
What has taken so long

I want to see
What the future will hold
The warmth and the cold
What's instore for me?

Where will these choices
Now seemingly small
Lead me in all
Destiny may voice?

This path or that?
I need some advice
Its the roll of a dice,
Rise up or fall flat.

Wind whips

by

Emma - Louise Braiden

Wind on my face
Icy touch over my lips
Whips through my hair
I can feel the sting of chill
Red roses on my cheeks.

More pressure placed
The pedal lowers, numbers rise
The wind whips harder
Pleasure to pain
I wind the window up.

Instant calm
Nothing but the comfort of speed
And the whirr of the engine
The warmth of air
Vented by my feet.

Highway hypnosis overcomes
My car knows the way
While my mind wanders
How fast am i going?
Dodge the slow traffic.

I wonder how long I've got
And how much of that time
I will spend speeding
Wind whipping through my hair
I see red.

Red circles in font, beside
A different pedal hit
Numbers decrease
Not in time
Red wind whips through...

Drinking Tea makes you Pee

by

Emma - Louise Braiden

Gone are the days
Now a faded haze
When i would never pee

Since winter arrived
I cannot survive
With out my cup of tea

Forest fruits or camomile
Let the flavour brew awhile
And warm you lips on the edge

But this drinking tea
It makes you pee
Make sure you cross your legs!

Bedhead Quote

by

Emma - Louise Braiden

You Can't help the intensity
Nor the type of
Nor need for emotion.
It will exist
Regardless of you approval.

You Can help the expression
Or repression of
This emotion.
IT does not
Need to rule your behaviour.

So why then do we do
Stupid things
In the name of emotion,
Regreting them later,
Denying control.

Humanities weakness is paramount
Seen here
In our inability to be our own masters.
Don't blame 'God'
He had no part - and couldn't care less.

Ode to that feeling the illudes me

by

Emma - Louise Braiden

With love
You know right away
Inbuilt detection
Innate knowledge
Love is distinctive
Even in its many guises.

With anger
It is just as intense
Yet differentiated easily
The overriding tangle
Of many emotions
Distinguished by
A need to hurt.

Presently, i do not know
Can not pick
Nor describe
This emotion
Not love, maybe once, but not now
Not anger, far less reactive
But just as negative.

And thus,
Ode to the feeling that illudes me
You shall remain unnamed
And uncategorised.

Let's Just

by

Emma - Louise Braiden

Lets just be friends

Why do we need the addition of 'just'?
Is not friendship one of the wonders of life?
Is not the 'next step'
Often a step towards missery?
Why must we feel compelled to ruin friendships
Motivated by a drive for gratification
Of our many physical and emotional needs.

Let's just be lovers
Let's just get married
Let's just grow old together
Let's just share the intimacy of life
Let's just break each other

Let's just kill each other slowly with our insecurities
Lets be enemies.

Sound Filters

by

Emma - Louise Braiden

The sound deafens her senses
Enters her soul via that path
Located in the side of her pretty head
Reverberates in the space pain has left
And is absorbed into the moisture of life
Glazes her round eyes
And paralyses her body

The sound infiltrates her thoughts
Releases the prisioners of her sanity
The thoughts celebrate by forming a mosh-pit
She feels them mass behind her glazed eyes
But her paralysed hands can not help
She is a prisoner to the sound

With the last note, silence
Momentarily, she allocates each thought
To it's original prison
Blinks twice, Fingers twitch
And she is free once more.

M A N

by

Emma - Louise Braiden

No one has ever allowed me as much freedom
To be me,
As you have my lovely.
No one has ever been as patient
With my inconsistencies,
As you have my love.

Your company has become my security.
I have no fear.
I tread boldly into the world,
The future,
And into our life,
Because I know you will be there.

My love for you is unlike the raging torrents
Of loves before.
It is unlike the infatuations and lusting
Of my past.
My love for you has grown slowly,
On a strong foundation of trust and respect.

This love is enduring
Because we both understand
What the other requires.
Ours is a bud of friendship,
Opening its petals
More each day.

I have such gratitude
To be able to stand by your side
Today
And tomorrow,
As we face this world
Hand in hand.