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Angela Darlene Bean

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Staunton, VA, US

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Sometimes

by

Angela Darlene Bean

Sometimes I think you can do much better than me
I wish I could take care of you, I try my best
Sometimes I wish that all the drama would disappear
And all the pain would go away
Sometimes I wonder what the future will hold
What will it be like for us far from now
Sometimes I ask myself why things are the way they are
I wish I had the answer to all our problems baby
Sometimes I cry because I don't want to be away from you
It's hard at night, because I can't hold you in my arms
Sometimes I just wish that I could take away all your pain
And I do, you tell me, but only when I'm around
Sometimes we wonder why we feel such pain deep down
Baby, I can't answer that, I suppose the doctor's can
Sometimes I wake up, and I just want to end it all
I just feel lost, & confused, & just want it all to go away
Sometimes I just want to start it all up again
But I don't grab up the needle, no I don't, because of you
Sometimes I look back on my past, and I get this feeling
A feeling of regret, but I guess I've learned from it all
I've learned from my past mistakes
Sometimes I get really angry & start punching the wall
Sometimes I shake really badly, and start sweating
My doctor said it is me coming off the drugs
I've learned from what I've done
And sometimes, I think I'm a better person now


Life

by

Angela Darlene Bean

Life is wonderful
What a grand day
Filled with laughter and love
Spending time with the ones you love
Murder, Suicide, Rapes, Crimes
Life is filled with hate
Why is life so difficult sometimes
Why do people take life for granted
Life is supposed to be simple
But its not
Life throws curveballs
You just got to step up to the plate
You either hit or miss
But that's life
Life is a mystery
You gotta figure it out
This is life
Live life one day at a time

The Girl Who Lives In A Sad World

by

Angela Darlene Bean

She lives her life
as a secret
She lives everyday with depression
She hates herself
She hates her body
She's self-conscious
Shes stuck in a world
where she believes she has to be perfect
She thinks she's fat
She cares what people think
In reality she's beautiful
She's scared what people will think
She lives her life as someone else
If only she'd see the beauty she has
She's weak
She's already had a breakdown
She's an insecure, quiet, poet
She's living her life in darkness
The sun will come out in her eyes
The girl who lives in a sad world

Nature A Beautiful Thing

by

Angela Darlene Bean

The rain falls down hard
Abandoned houses left for waste
Trees surround us
Nothing but open road ahead
Deer peak out their heads
The trees sway back and forth
Seems the land isn't being preserved
A paradise, that will be happier
The birds, the trees, rain, sunshine
A kind of paradise earth
No more decaying of life
This is the wonderful creation
Jah has made this all
Beautiful creeks, rives, and streams
Drops of dew on crystalized trees
Squirrels run across the road
A mother bear and her cubs
This is nature, this is life
Nature, a beautiful thing

Negativity

by

Angela Darlene Bean

Too much negativity
It used to not be like this
Thinking everyone hates her
Doesn't want to do anything anymore
A negative outlook on life
A negative attitude
Too much negativity
I don't know what to do
This is all my fault, I feel like
She thinks no one wants to be around her
She thinks no one wants to talk to her
She's depressed, yes its true
But is this why she's acting this way?
Plans for her birthday are now changed
She doesn't care anymore
She's not the same anymore
She doesn't listen to me anymore
I say something and she changes the subject
What has happened to my baby
Just so much negativity
Negativity

My Babydoll

by

Angela Darlene Bean

Do you still love me?
Do you still care?
Why have you changed?
What is wrong with you?
Why so negative?
What happened to my babydoll?
I guess I've changed to, I'm sorry
I didn't mean to
I'm going back to my old self though
I want it to be like it used to be
Things have changed
This is all my fault, I'm so sorry
I'm so in love with you baby
I love you so much
Please come back to me
Please don't hate me
Please don't leave me
I love you so much baby
My beautiful babydoll

The 60's

by

Angela Darlene Bean

The Hells Angels are security
Charles Manson appears
Five dead in star's home
Abigail Folger dead
Charles Manson obsessed with Beetles
Manson took acid, as with his followers
There's a madness in human beings
Woodstock
Janis Joplin, Jim Morrison, Jimi Hendrix
All dead because of drugs
10 million using pyschadelic drugs
20 million smoking pot
It's a teenage wasteland
This is the 60's

The 70's

by

Angela Darlene Bean

The revolution
Just a teenage wasteland
Getting stoned, twisted, ripped
Rock stars get stoned
It's ok for them to behave however
Lou Reed sings about drugs
People got addicted
It became crazy, out of hand
It started at getting high
to feel good
It came to getting high
to feel numb, take away the pain
1 in 4 servicemen became addicted to heroin
It became a teenage wasteland
Drugs, sex, and rock n roll
Death, war, decay
This is the 70's

Staunton

by

Angela Darlene Bean

Train tracks
The creek flows silently
Across the tracks into the ghetto
Under the bridge
Down a long road
Stopping at the stoplight
School bus stop ahead
On to yet another stoplight
Businesses all around
Plumbing and heating
The old prison, condemned
Passing it haunts you
Looking down you see
The sad souls of the dead prisoners
People walk the streets
Use food stamps at the stores
Run down buildings
Speed, fast, racing
This is Staunton

Graduation

by

Angela Darlene Bean

A joyful day
Filled with happiness
I finally did it
I graduated basic training
Family, friends, battle buddies
All gathered 'round
Weeks of blood, sweat and tears
Trying to break us down
3rd platoon Wardawgs
HOOAH
We'll never give up
You can't break us
We're an army, army of one
Never quit, never accept defeat
Push ups, overhead armclaps
Always Forward
Delta 1 3/4, Delta Dawgs
Never leave a fallen comrade
I made it, i did it
Graduation
I am a Wardawg

Life One Day At A Time

by

Angela Darlene Bean

Living a dream
Life is sometimes a lie
Poverty, hate, crimes, poor
Growin up I had it all
Now I'm an adult, it's so hard
No money, no food, lost
Confused in a dilusional world
Left for pray, hunted
In a cold, dark world
People are mean, cruel
Life is a lie
Friends lost, friends gained
People seem to disappear
What you thought you knew
You really don't know
It's just a lie
Life is different
It's strange sometimes
You just gotta live life one day at a time
One day at a time
Life, one day at a time

The Ring

by

Angela Darlene Bean

The woman seems eerie
Lighthouse
Dead horses
A ladder
A quiet kid, artistic
He'll die
Watch the tape
The phone rings
Then you die
You have 7 days
You don't want to hurt anyone
But I do
She was murdered
Thrown down a well
The chair spins
She lives her life in darkness
Now she will tell her story
You won't forget her
Don't answer the phone
Remember the ring
7 days to survive

Just Out Of A Poets Mind

by

Angela Darlene Bean

These thoughts in my head
Seek to destroy me
I found the darkness
That i lay within
That haunts me at night
I cannot run from it
Nor do I try
I cannot hide from it
and I don't know why
It's a never ending battle
That I struggle with each day
It over powers me
Because it knows my weakness
One day it will kill me
And that will be the end
But i'm not quite sure where to go
and I'm not quite sure what to do
I feel so lost
No where to go, I feel so down
Just so low
Sitting here smokin a Marlboro Red
Inside I feel so dead
I scream so loudly, inside my head
But no one can hear me
I cannot even hear myself
Just out of a poets mind

The Times

by

Angela Darlene Bean

After all the times you hurt me.
The times you made me cry.
Why do I forgive you?
With every little sigh.
The times you betrayed me.
And the painful good-byes.
Why do I still need you?
After all those lies.
The times that you ignored me.
The times the pain has shown.
Why do I still care for you?
After you left me all alone.
With the scars you left upon me.
And the tears that fall each day.
Why am I still in love with you?
Though you've treated me this way?

You

by

Angela Darlene Bean

you are the world
you are the moon
you are my sun
my dream come true

you brighten my days
you light up my nights
you cool the summer days
you warm the summer nights

all my trouble's
all my fears
i never seem to notice
when you are near

if i were granted one wish to
come true
my one wish would be to
always have you!!!!!!!

Sitting In A Field

by

Angela Darlene Bean

Chasing Amy
around the grassy fields of gypsy
noteless thoughts of a novel
pondering Diego's looks
Diocletian looks on
Brave army, dignified
shall diffuse the bombardment!
The bookish girl
head dug in her book
Bonfire of the evil Bacchus
Ferocious calls of the Bacchanals
the young, inncoent, vampiric girls
Bacchus, their ruler
their lives taken over
howls in the night
like a fiery hell or fright
creating mayhem
all about
walking along
singing a song
there was Elijah Blue
and Fred Durst too
centaurs roam
amazons protect their home
I roam
to find my home
I look,
but no ones there
there stands Zeke
on that high peak

Doesn't Think

by

Angela Darlene Bean

The occult
the observant
the quiet
the deserving
Octavious and Odysseus
mythological obsession
disgraceful aggression
sadful depression
agreeing to agree
fleeing to fight
all in spite
mindless thoughts in the head
thinking to be dead
foretell the future
sitting on the pedastool
smoking my pipe

Smell of cigars linger about
sounds of kids running about
looking, just staring out the window
crystal meth, the deadly drugs
sounds of ghosts, who died from crystal meth
oblivious to what is really going on
no one around
except ghosts walking abound
no one will visit
no one will come
the ghosts who are among
have scared them all away

Nothing

by

Angela Darlene Bean

I hear whispers
But there is no voice

I see shadows
But no one is there

I see the grass move
But there is no wind

I hear the sound of a train
But there is no train

I hear cars passing by me
but there are no cars

I hear a dog barking
but there is no dog

i feel something warm nudge me
but nothing is there
i am cold and alone

for i feel someone is watching me
but no one is in sight

i hear police sirens
but there are no police stations in town

i hear the sounds of bigfoot
but bigfoot doesn't exist

i see a shooting star
does it exist?
I think maybe it does
So I, on that very night
Why I am cold and all alone
With no one by my side
I wish upon that star

Forsee My Death

by

Angela Darlene Bean

witness to a crime
kind man without a dime
busy dude without any time
got his chick
doing her witchcraft
woeful of woes
passing my foes
I touch the kiss of death
taking one last breath
they lower the coffin
everyone sies
everyone cries
flowers are delivereed
roses are sat there
the coffin is lowered
seeing the last of daylight
darkness, I will see
darkness forever
that's what's in store for me

The Smell Of Life

by

Angela Darlene Bean

Smells like cigerette smkoe
the smell of your breath
the smell of near death
hooraay, death man
yeah
smoke up a joint
inhale some shit
blast up a bit
don't give a shit
blast by
when your high
cigar smell
um, rich and fine
smells divine
go down to your local 4:20
a union of brotherhood
peace out man
peace out and get high
as high as the sky
then smoke up
and die

Street Life

by

Angela Darlene Bean

Children raised up
get out of the house and smoke up
cause and effect
ain't get no respect
been classified
lived life on the streets and then died
say ya need counselin'
fuck dem' they don't know shit
ain't nothing a physchiatrist can tell ya, thatcha' don't know
what, they think ya a damn fool
cuz, when ya quit school
wanna get the hell out
lock up, in a cell bout'
no where to go
runnin' from the cops
on the go
a warrant for ya arrest

Weed

by

Angela Darlene Bean

this poem may not rhyme
but I need to get a dime
or maybe just a quarter
and send myself to Charter
if I get a pound
I'll be on the ground

passed out, no doubt
once I had an ounce
I felt like I could bounce
or maybe I could fly
I really can't remember
i was just too high

This Is Life

by

Angela Darlene Bean

the fight of your life
the pain and the strife
the dead and the gone
defying authority
paying respect and loyalty
harlem world
and the No Limit soldiers
Death Row dudes
and the Wu-Tang Clan
let the violence stop
the rape, and the burglary
mindless thoughts
though from a mindful brain
the voices make me go insane
midlife crisis is now
the bloody massacre goes pow
dude, don't have a cow
you shall revenge your brother's death
prove what you need to prove
die, how you shall die
hazy, it is
quite hazy here
it goes black
all dark and quiet
gangs and chains
the whips and brass knuckles
Sayzar looks up
cuz he's all shook up

don't know where the h_ll he is
or if his families doing well
when your locked up in the pen you don't feel so well
hangin' round all day in a jail cell
i hate this h_ll
livin' life of not givin' a fu_k
defying authority
and disobeyin'
tryin' to get out
havin' to shout
being loud
and heard
gettin' everyone to listen to a word
no one gives a fu_k
cos this life will always su_k
going through school
livin' life in a bloody pool
havin' razor marks
etched up and down yo' arm
not bringin' no one else harm
this life's unfair
so i ain't gonna complain
no more

Bang

by

Angela Darlene Bean

So living life behind bars
With the memory and scars
I know it was a mistake
I know now it wasn't fake
The sound of the scream
It wasn't a dream
but it just was a thoughtless doing
I was kinda fooling
But when a life is taken
I know I can't be mistaken

I'm beggin' a plea
Just to be free
Why can't they see
What their doing to me

So I'll live my life
Go through all the strife
I'm sure the family hates me
But why can't they see
He was just fooling with me
So with all this gang shit
All the violence, all the gangs
And the shots that sound with a bang
Ain't nothin' that I am personally responsible for
I mean his sister was a w_ore
But that's not why I did what I did
It wasn't my fault
I know I was there
I know I should've cared
He had problems
I could solve em'

He pointed it towards me
I felt blinded as if I couldn't see
He was just jokin'
And he was smokin'
When you got dope
There's just no hope
He thought it wasn't loaded
But when he pulled the trigger, it karoaded
Yeah it backfired on him
All of a sudden the light went dim
So as you can see
It wasn't me
Not me who shot him

Silence

by

Angela Darlene Bean

sometimes silence can be so loud
it's like beating a drum
without a cloud
no one around
not a sound
no one to be heard
no one to be seen
not anything
not a telephone ring

just you
not speaking a word
nothing but the
silence heard

not the buzzing of cars
no falling stars
no movement
no home improvement
the world is dead
starving people not fed
people racist
the prejudice can't face us
people dying
caring people trying

Tangled Thoughts

by

Angela Darlene Bean

I run in a maze
I fall in a daze
I scream in the craze
I know there are ways
The light shine's bright
And I stare in fright
With this angry terror in me
I can only see
I can only see me, screaming in rage
yelling beyond belief
pulling out my hair
shredding my papers in angry rage
getting on stage & singing will stop my angst

But I cannot stop my hate for him
sometimes he's nice and cool
but then I feel like a demon
ready to breathe fire to the one's I hate
I know it may be a mistake
and no it won't shake
this hatred I have
but he caused this hatred I have
I will always be angry, mad and mean
I will always be cruel, and in pain

Fear

by

Angela Darlene Bean

so I am getting tired of hidin'
in the shadows but in the dark
got to be so quiet
oh don't wanna wake him
as quiet as a mouse
as tall as a house
as round as a mouth
fear sets in me
I can feel my heart beating
it gets slow then gradually
starts beating real fast
this fear that I carry
is so heavy

my heart beats
it pounds within me
I try to run away from my fears
I run and I run until I can't anymore
I fall to the ground and rest
but suddenly I hear footsteps
they sound like there closer and closer
I get up and look around
no one is in sight, no one around

soon my fear will catch up
I start running so fast
I run into a pole and hit my head
and land in the water
I am knocked unconscious
and no one is around
I dround in my fears
I ran away from my fears
and into death

What's Really Going On

by

Angela Darlene Bean

the sound of violence and crime
is so loud
even a deaf man can hear it
out of a big crowd
young teens doing drugs
little children smoking with thugs
kids wanting in ganggs
just to be cool
the crimes in front
of our eyes
even a blind man
can see it's no disguise

so open up your yearbook
there are pictures missing
wonder where those kids are
those kids are dead that's where
they cose to drink & drive
so the pain and memories that derive
in the heart of us all
lots of people saw
but no one stopped them
no one cared
that's why this world is so messed up
people started to stop caring
no one cares anymore
so our world will die alone

Mich sein lassen

by

Angela Darlene Bean

Sie hassen
Weggehen
Lassen Sie mich hier
Es gibt nichts nach links zu sagen
AuŖer Gedšchtnissen
Weggehen
Sprechen Sie nicht
Du sagst nichts
Lassen Sie mich hier
Mich sterben lassen

Nothing To See

by

Angela Darlene Bean

There's nothing here
the smell of fear
and the smell of beer
there's nothing to see
I can't see you
and I can't see me
I fall on the floor
there's nothing to see
there's nothing to hear
you look at me
which isn't much

just some kid
with alcohol on her breath
running from death
and running the one's she hates
but it'll all soon catch up
and she'll do whatever she has to
you look at me
nothing much to see
only skin and bones
very boney
nothing good
you walk away like you should

This Anger I Have

by

Angela Darlene Bean

am here and here to stay
I will rock your world
Shake the earth

I am an Anarchist
Bornt from hell
And on my head I fell
Born to be rockin'
Live for shakin'

I crawl through the dark depths of the deep ocean
Thinkin' of what next I'll do

I can harm you
I can haunt you
I can scare you to death
But, leave me alone
and I'll let you go home
Do not bother me
or the touch of death you'll see
Go away
don't bother me

My Observation

by

Angela Darlene Bean

the lesbian teacher could not fail to recognize the girl's obviously affected voice
the students overlooked a scholarly analysis of doubts and misunderstandings
the gay and lesbian community showed great human sympathy in formulating policies
he was wounded in the crisis but not in life
she was not particularly amused by his attempts at bitter satire
he found the parameters of the shocking truth
and the prolonged lamentations of the old preacher never ceased
he had a panic-stricken expression on his face
it was critical of their aggresively uncooperative attitude that pleased them
the colors that'll show in the time frame of youth

Call To The Mistress

by

Angela Darlene Bean

She calls her mistress on the phone
Telling her mistress when she'll be home
her darling dear will be a little late
she ran into her birth mother, must be fate
she calls her mistress to explain
saying she's sorry to be such a pain
this woman she's meeting is not her birth mother
the woman is her ex, there to talk and catch up
the woman says sorry and drinks from her cup
the 2 drink frappacinnos
the woman a flilippino
she calls her mistress saying she'll be late
she tells her mistress, her lover, not to stay up and wait

Bedeutend Werden Wir Sterben

by

Angela Darlene Bean

bedeutend werden wir sterben
wir werden die Gewehren zu unseren KŲpfen setzen
Unterhalt pullin der AuslŲser, bis wir tot sind
ich bin also gebumst oben im Kopf
wenn du nicht den bereits erklšren kŲnntest
ich bin so mŁde
leben dieses Leben bildet mich ermŁdete als HŲlle
meine Seele benŲtigt Rest benŲtigt Zeit zu verfallen und refreshen

I Am Here

by

Angela Darlene Bean

I am here_.not by choice_.Oh, Ok. It's all good_.no its not_it is fucked up_life is fucked up_.dont worry about it_I donít care_.nothing matters_I dont care about anything anymore_i dont care_.doesnt matter to me_.anymore_.i am just sad_but it doesnít matter_cos the best things in life are melancholy_and sickness, sadness, depression_it all comes with the territory of living_which sucks big time_it doesnt matter_.nothing i feel matters_.everything has to be about fucking sex_.forget about it_.leave me alone_go home_I wanted you_and you wouldnít let me have you_your too busy_wasting your time away_with someone youíd rather talk to_I have moved on_I wanted you_I am in love_so kiss my ass now_just forget i brought it up ok_..i am sorry_.i am sorry for living_sorry for hurting_.sorry for mutilating_what we call our human souls_the very thing we would sacrifice_for love_if we had too_I am used to it by now_.i am used to getting hurt_tormented_teased_cussed at_yelled out_I a!
m used to feeling like I am 1 inch tall_I am used to being called a faggot, a dyke_a loser_a lesbian_.a queer_I am used to being taunted_and kicked around_.by my peers_

Smoke A Pipe

by

Angela Darlene Bean

Smoke a pipe
Smoke a bowl
Get high
24-7
or grow old
I am a lesbian
You are a crackhead
My parents hate me
Your parents canít even see
What the hell is wrong with you
Letís get high
Letís fly
Letís go downtown
And buy some nice vintage wear
Or some wiccan stuff
Or perhaps your looking more for love
I have already found love
I am not looking for anything now
Except to meet the love of my life
Life is hard
But then you die
Oh well
Youíll never know why
Until maybe its too late

I Joined This...

by

Angela Darlene Bean

i joined this...i dont know why...i guess cos i thought maybe...there was other people like me...i am angela...i am 19...i am sometimes depressed...it comes and goes...i am happy now..well not happy..but not sad..i am just here that is all...i used to cut my wrists and stuff with razorblades....and i cut my arms with razorblades...and carve things into my arm with razorblades...but i havent done that in awhile...i used to do heroin...i stopped that a LONG time ago..and i used needles and so i thought the pain i was suffering would go away if i did it...so then i started cutting myself...the pain went away...but then it came back...and i kept cutting myself...i havent done that in awhile..i am not really in pain...during that time...i was in the process of coming out...and i wanted to die...i tried to kill myself...i thought if I did that...then no one would have to hate me for who i was...i didnt think i was normal at all...i still dont...but i kinda got over that...i !
am not happy where i am living...being here in virginia in the place that i am is depressing sometimes..cos what i needed wasnt here and still isnt..and i find myself struggling everyday...i am ok though...well that is my life story

American Nightmare

by

Angela Darlene Bean

Welcome to America
New citizens
Welcome to the land
Of the supposed free
Where everyone is said
To be happy
And full of glee
Welcome to America
You walk down the streets
Of New York
And see homeless
Begging for some change
And a little to eat
You smile and shake hands
With everyone you meet
Welcome to America
Where 13 year olds carry guns
And teenage girls have sons
Where thereís a likely chance
Youíll get raped
Pr mugged
By some tatooed thug
With thick eyebrows
And a smug
Welcome to America
Where pollution fills the air
Where people die
Everyday
Welcome to the
American Nightmare

What's So Good

by

Angela Darlene Bean

What's so good
is that
I can wake up in the morning
and breathe
and know that i am alive

know that
i am probably going to have a good day
meet lots of new people
and say, "hello all, peace, and be happy"

What's so good
is that I have a wonderful girlfriend
that i love very dearly
and that loves me
and that i will spend the rest of my life with

What's so good
is that
I have lots of wonderful friends
and I am now happy
where I am

What's so good
is that
for once in my life
I am actually happy

What's so good
is that
I have never been happier
or
felt better in my life

Being alive
that's what's so good!!!

When I Look Into Your Eyes

by

Angela Darlene Bean

When I look into your eyes
I see the rest of my life

When I look into your eyes
I see our future together

When i look into your eyes
I see the beauty that you have

when i look into your eyes
I see what i have always wanted

when i look into your eyes
I realize that i have found what i have always wanted

When i look into your eyes
I know i have what i want
and i know i will be happy forever

I know
because when i looked into your eyes
they told me so

Trying To Find

by

Angela Darlene Bean

Trying to find
Someone like me
Trying to find someone who wants what I want
Trying to find
Someone who has the same outlook on life
Trying to find
Someone who wants to have kids
Just like me
Trying to find
Someone who will love me for me
Trying to find
Someone who will not leave me to go off and find someone else
Trying to find
Someone I can have kids with
Trying to find
Someone I can be with forever
Trying to find
Someone I can hold and kiss and cuddle with
I have found that someone
But that someone wants time
I am fine with that
But what about in the mean time
What am I supposed to?
Just sit around and be lonely?

Sometimes Yeah

by

Angela Darlene Bean

sometimes i have a problem wit shootin shit in my veins
sometimes i drink da poisonous liquid dat im so addicted to
sometimes i like to snort shit in my nose so i can ease da pain
sometimes my heart feels like its goin to explode
sometimes my nose bleeds cos of my bad habits
sometimes i get real weak & feel like i could fall
sometimes my head feels like its spinning
sometimes it feels like life is passin me by
sometimes i feel real high, and nothin matters anymore
sometimes i just don care whether i live or die
sometimes i start coughin & puke up blood
sometimes im jus layin there after it all & am so fucked up i vomit & cant move
sometimes life is hard & i do this all to end da pain dat i feel
sometimes i just feel i cannot go on anymore
sometimes i think im goin to be alone for the rest of my life
sometimes i think im not ever goin to be good enough
sometimes i worry about my friends
sometimes i worry bout my family
sometimes i feel like im goin off the edge & cant take it no more
sometimes i think life would be much better if i wasnt around
sometimes i feel like no one really fuckin cares
sometimes i feel like im jus not goin to ever be good enough
sometimes yeah, just sometimes..............

Sometimes I Do

by

Angela Darlene Bean

sometimes i get really angry
sometimes i jus wan to fuckin scream
sometimes i jus don undastan
sometimes i feel like i cant make anyone happy
sometimes i feel like im worthless
sometimes i wonda wat da point of bein alive really is
sometimes i wonda wat is my purpose on dis earth
sometimes i feel like jus disappearin
sometimes it jus seems like people don care no more
sometimes it jus seems like no one cares if they hurt others
sometimes it jus seems like there is no honest people left
sometimes it jus seems like people are so fake anymore
sometimes it jus seems like people lie
sometimes it jus seems there is no real people lef in dis world
sometimes i wonda why i was born
sometimes, its always, jus sometimes......

Painful Thoughts

by

Angela Darlene Bean

The razorblade
take away the pain
it cuts so slowly
so softly
let my pain bleed away
You all assume so much about me
will I be safe in my room
I do not let you in
I do not speak to you anymore
when I was 5 you couldnt get me to stop talking
now im 24 and you cant get me to start talking
im a tattered angel
withered and died
not ever to be reborn from this hell that I live in
lost, and slowly assuming the fetal position
want to cry
want to slowly die
get high cos that is all there is to do
get high cos it makes you feel so good
get high cos you will have a chance to die
there once was a time when everything was beautiful
and nothing hurt
but I donít remember that time
everything has always been so painful
Iíve always hurt deep down inside my soul, in my mind
in my heart
my happiness is short lived
it always has been
*> kiss my pain away
make it all go away
so I donít hurt anymore
pain is all Iíve ever felt
im lost
deep down inside my mind
something that I cannot find
cut, cut deeper, till you hit the veins
and let your life bleed away
and you will no longer be in pain
unloved, unhappy, lost and confused
I cut cos I like seeing the dripplets of blood run down my arm
its rock bottom
Iíve hit the last notch
im laying against the bathtub
on the floor in a pool of my blood
dazed and confused
laying there in my own blood
laying there looking at what I did to myself
be careful, I am dangerous
not to you, to myself
id never survive without you holding my hand....id die
nobody can hear me scream
No one can see me
what the hell is your problem
do you not hear me
no you donít
you donít hear me
you donít see me
you donít listen to my cryís for help
your lies leave scars upon my arms
fuck you
erase you
hate you
dream you
need you
lose you
scar you
smash you
KILL ME I lied to you
I kissed you
I touched you
I love you
I fucked you
I left you
I hurt you
I live for you
I comfort you
I love you
love is the slowest form of suicide
without it you are gone
stop the pain
stop the pain
stop the pain
stop the pain
fuck off
fuck off and die
its another fucking day
in hell
the one you love to hate
is in the mirror
so look in and take a look at yourself
you look at my arms
as they are a bloody mess
and I say to you
I am okay
im okay I swear
I will be ok
the pain is temporary
covered in my own blood
I feel so beautiful
kiss me
because your lips are so soft
and so luscious
inside, deep down inside
I am so weak and powerless
I try to build myself up
saying that I am a good person
and try not to be so negative but it just donít go away
the thoughts donít subside
they stay with me everyday
kill me faster with strawberry gashes all over
let the razorblade slash my arms
up and down
all over and all around
fuck you
fuck you
my lips are sewn
kiss me
and taste the blood
im hurting inside
the person I am
has died
and I think about her
and im sitting here
and im holding onto
a dream that wont come true
I know im a loser
but you know you love me
Torn
withered away
laying here bloody
spots of blood on the papers
as I sit here and write about suicide
and how I wish I could die
if I pull the trigger
this nightmare I have in my head will go away
I never want us to fade out
resting on a love that fell apart
where are you
I need you
you still have my heart
I hurt myself
so you cant
but I wont forget the way you love me
every scar tells a story
about who you are
im pissed now but its all good, i hate life
it sucks
but oh well
gotta live it one day at a time
im completely incomplete
the puzzles are left to be put together
but you wont understand how I am feeling inside
blood can be so pretty
so shiny
so red
so dark
the smell of blood is luscious
what have I become
I have become what I hate
I hate myself
I hate who I am
I hate me
I hate me, myself and I
I have let myself bleed
sad eyes
lay upon such a beautiful face
that suicide was the only option
what have I become
want me to prove that im a lesbian
hell no
fuck you asshole
why do I gotta be something that you want me to be
why cant I be who I want to be
I donít want to live to be who you want me to be
that is not who I am
I live for myself
even though I hate who I have become
love is an excuse to get hurt
and if love is an excuse to hurt
then hurt me
please hurt me
so slice open my veins
and let the romance that I have for you bleed away
im everything that I hate
I hate myself
time goes on forever
but time wont make things better
it wont make things go away
I took your picture
and tore it up
I cant look at it without crying
remember kids
slice your arm "down the road"not "across the street"
I laughed the loudest
whoíd of known
when I was on the floor
with the gun laying next to my hand
that my laughter is a cry for help
take pills
ESCAPE
ESCAPE into a vague world of unknowingness
I donít know who I am
I am lost
lost in a world that I will never find myself
it has already damaged me now
and I am lost
there is no more hope for me
stop wishing that I would get better
cos I wont
the more I hurt
the more I scream
you cannot hear me
you cannot see me
not the real me
not who I am
not what I am about
what I am thinking
or what I am going through
please donít ever go away
please donít leave me here
I hurt without you
baby I miss you so bad
why did there have to be lies
why did trust have to be broken
im sorry
im so sorry
im a geek
a loser
a freak
im emo
a nerd
a slut
a skater
a dyke
a rocker
a bitch
all these labels
your words
leave scars on my arms
nobody said it was easy
cut me
slice me
Blood red strawberry scars on my arms
im not afraid
put the gun into my hand
donít think about it
just pull the trigger
shards of glass
skies of gold
steal my breath
blood runs cold
violet waves
oceans blue
all my love
lost in you
what did I do
to deserve this pain
I am the god of fuck
fuck me
I donít care if it hurts
I wanna have control
I want a perfect body
a perfect soul
depression, suicide, bipolar disorder
I suffer from these all
just forget me
its that simple
your hell is when
youíre dreaming and im awake
be a nightmare in my sleep
scare me forever
like a bullet in my soul
kill me forever
Iíll never be perfect...Happy....Beautiful....Good enough...Yours....Lets cut our wrist
like cheap coupons
and say that death was
on sale today
im not like them
I cant pretend
Lost
Confused
Delusional
Ignored
Unwanted
not beautiful
lost soul
my emotions make me who I am
I can be safe here in this white brick room
Unharmed
lost still
confused still
itís a good year
for a murder
let me take the wheel
Iíll crash this car
do you have to make this so hard
nothing tastes as good as thin feels
anorexia isnt a lifestyle
itís a sickness that I am
not yet ready to recover from
the dreams in which
im dying
are the best I ever had
writing is my art
writing is my way to vent
put the weight on my shoulders
and the pain in my heart
tie the knots in my stomach
and youíll let it tear me apart
so tear me apart
so I could be everything you need
I hate me
I hate me
I hate myself
I hate myself
I hate who I am
I hate who I have become
I hate who I will be
I hate who I will become
the pain is my release
I wanted to be just like you
so perfect
so wanted
so untouchable

Tortured Souls

by

Angela Darlene Bean

The changing began,
As dooms scythe pierces
My darkened soul, my cascade
Of tears fall upon howling eyes
Stop! Stop!
We are the fallen ones
Our mind a destructive playground
Walk around the halls & you'll see the names
of the tortured souls
Could this be the antichrist, following us
We walk around with chains bound to our bodies
Like slaves commanded by Satan
Razor sharp knives pierce our bodies
As Satan commands us what to do like soldiers in the army
We've reached the darkest part of our tortured souls
There's a hole in our hearts that seeps from our chests
Bound and gagged, sliced and torn
We are tortured souls, living in this hell
When Satan demands we become obsessed and possessed
By our fears not to let him go
We are tortured souls living life in a manic aggression
We are weak human beings, brought to this earth
By Satan, he works through our eyes, we are his slaves
We are the tortured souls, we scream in pain
Hell crushing flames shine through the darkness
Satan's demons attack us with deadly demonic wrath
As we realize we have sinned, this is our punishment
We are tortured souls who look deep down in the black pits Of our hearts, delivering Satans sinister message of doom
We are tortured souls

Thoughts Of People

by

Angela Darlene Bean

He broke my heart
She hurts now
Why am i so ugly?
I cry and I don't show it
I'm so ugly
My face is twisted
My eyes are too big
What did i do to deserve this?
Why are we so sad?
I don't cry
You can't see me
No one cares about me
This is the time of sadness
I want to be left alone
No one cares for me
She doesn't want to cuddle with me
She didn't love me enough
His heart broke when she died
My heart is bleeding
My son has died, he's in heaven now
I'm going to jump off a bridge
Leave me alone, go away
STOP thoughts in my head, go away
Life is pointless, i'm leaving it

If It's The Last Thing I think about

by

Angela Darlene Bean

If there was one thing i can think of
it is you
if i was to die tonight
your the only thing i would think of
i cannot get you out of my mind
my soul reaches out for you
my body aches for your touch
my lips crave your taste
my arms awaiting your grasp
please come to me
for i have not loved anyone so deeply as i have loved you
my life is not the same without you
my soul will be tortured without you by my side
in all my life, you are all that i have been waiting for
and i reach my hand out to you
please take my hand
i love you shorty
please take my hand and walk side by side with me
for, we shall spend the rest of our lives together
I love you

Who I Am

by

Angela Darlene Bean

You know_.
We all ask ourselves who we are
And I donít think we will ever find the answer
Everyday we search and look to find the true answer_..
But we do not seek it
I hope you find out who you are.... I certainly donít know who I am
I seek it but everyday is a neverending battle
A war I lost long time ago
It has taken me and it is time to give up
Everyday we try to search inside ourselves and find what we are looking for
But we donít
Things change
Things have changed
I donít know who I am
I couldnít tell you
I havenít found what I want out of life yet
I have lost the war,
Lost the battle,
Now I am going home__..
Going home to rest
Maybe there I will seek what I am looking for
But I doubt it

Our Dark Society

by

Angela Darlene Bean

Give god a portion
Of your income we can reunite
We can rejuvenate
Your humanity
Our souls can be renewed
Give god your money
Say this with me
There will be a leader
Our leader
Only one
Heís a god
Give god, a portion
Of your income
Give god
Your first portion
Of your income
God says
If you donít drink
His holy water
That you will die
As many people
Who can be in this?
Holy civilization
Give god
A portion of your income

We are a group
An organization
A cult
We shall burn
And sacrifice
We wear black robes
We all shave our heads
Give god
A portion
Of your income
For, we shall feed
On the income
You give god
Give god a portion
Of your income
We will come together
Reunite
Cleanse our souls
Drink the holy water
Be born again
Our spirits
Will clean our souls
For let new spirits
Enter me
We will see
How crazy
You are
We can save you
Let us have your mind
We hear the screams
Of the ones
Who tried to leave us?
You know, Iím always trying
To help you threw it all

What lies beneath you?
Is confusion?
But let us help you
We will clear your head
We will think for you
We can help you relax
We can calm your soul, your mind
Your body
We will let you escape your soul
Something is trying to enter me
Somethingís trying to get out
We cannot let you speak to your family
Fore, they will blow the cover
On our secret society of madmen
Crazed lunatics, psychopaths
People who are not accepted elsewhere
We crawl
In the darkness
Voices in the darkness
Scream out in the night
Can this be hell?
The fires
Seem like hell
Have I been there?
I donít know

The number
Of our group
Is 666
Itís the number of the beast
Welcome to our nightmare
We think your gonna like it
You will feel you belong
We will be your family
Welcome to our society
Welcome to your new family
We will take over the whole world
We will reach everyone
Older people,
Donít work as well
Young people
Work better
They can come join us
We will be their new family
They are young
Young, vulnerable, fresh minds
We have to get to them
Before anyone else does
Itís our underground
Dark society

I Dream A Little Dream Of You Tonight

by

Angela Darlene Bean

I dream a little dream of you tonight
I hope if I do die tonight
That I will be with you
wherever I shall go
heaven, hell
wherever
whatever
I dream a little dream of you tonight
I dream that we are together
and there is no one there to stop us from loving each other
no one is in our way
no one at all
I love you so much
I love you more than the stars could ever shine in the sky
I love you more than the sun could brighten the sky
I dream a little dream of you tonight
I am thinking about you
I love you so much
I dream a little dream of you tonight
i dream that we are together for all eternity
I dream that we are together
when i wake up from a beautiful dream of you
I dream a little dream of you tonight
and i wonder if you dream of me too
I dream that we make all our dreams come true
i dream a little dream of you tonight
and i wonder if you think of me while you dream
I think of you while i dream
so sweet angel, close your eyes and dream
because when i go to sleep tonight
i will dream a little dream of you tonight