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Angela Bean

of

Stuarts Draft, VA, US

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Friendship

by

Angela Bean

Friendship joys the air.
When all of us are there.

We all gather round to share our friendship.

This is fun.
That is how friendship is done.


Untitled

by

Angela Bean

The winter breeze
the blue's sea's

the bird's that fly
the cloud's sky

the roar of the thunder
while you sit and wonder


Matthew Campbell

by

Angela Bean

M- is for manly, so handsome grand
A- is for amiable, friendly li'l man
T- is for treasure talented, smart
T- is for thoughtful, caring heart
H- is for happy, so full of fun
E- is for expressive, devoted one
W- is for wonderful, one ideal boy
that's Matthew Campbell, pure pride and joy


I love you so

by

Angela Bean

I think your so cute,
and so fine.
I'm not joking,
I'm not blind.
If we could be together,
I would just die.
Your so sweet,
and so kind.
I wish you were all mine,
If we could spend days,
together,
All my dreams would
come true!!


The Times

by

Angela Bean

After all the times you hurt me.
The times you made me cry.
Why do I forgive you?
With every little sigh.
The times you betrayed me.
And the painful good-byes.
Why do I still need you?
After all those lies.
The times that you ignored me.
The times the pain has shown.
Why do I still care for you?
After you left me all alone.
With the scars you left upon me.
And the tears that fall each day.
Why am I still in love with you?
Though you've treated me this way?


Untitled

by

Angela Bean

you look in the mirror
you see nothing but a shadow

you hear not a sound
you feel nothing but a dust of wind


Leonardo Dicaprio

by

Angela Bean

The first time I saw you
all I did was look.
When I saw your face
it was my heart that you took.

If I ever meet you,
I'll faint into your arms
because of your looks
and your wonderful charms.

When I saw you in What's Eating Gilbert Grape
I just started to shake.
I want you to know
you're a wonderful guy.


Brad Renfro

by

Angela Bean

B- is for brave, courageous
R- is for right, really smart
A- is for angel, very angelic
D- is for doggone, doggone fine

R- is for remembrence, will never forget you
E- is for excellent, totally good actor
N- is for nice, very caring
F- is for fine, sooooooooooooooo cute
R- is for rad, he's soooo cool
O- is for orange, his fav. color


You

by

Angela Bean

you are the world
you are the moon
you are my sun
my dream come true

you brighten my days
you light up my nights
you cool the summer days
you warm the summer nights

all my trouble's
all my fears
i never seem to notice
when you are near

if i were granted one wish to
come true
my one wish would be to
always have you!!!!!!!


Nothing

by

Angela Bean

I hear whispers
But there is no voice

I see shadows
But no one is there

I see the grass move
But there is no wind

I hear the sound of a train
But there is no train

I hear cars passing by me
but there are no cars

I hear a dog barking
but there is no dog

i feel something warm nudge me
but nothing is there
i am cold and alone

for i feel someone is watching me
but no one is in sight

i hear police sirens
but there are no police stations in town

i hear the sounds of bigfoot
but bigfoot doesn't exist

i see a shooting star
does it exist?
I think maybe it does
So I, on that very night
Why I am cold and all alone
With no one by my side
I wish upon that star



The Person You Think You Know

by

Angela Bean

The person you think you know
you may not know at all

They could be sweet looking
but could change in an instant

When you get high
you know nothing else

Inhale nitrous oxide
and your ready to kill
you may look sweet and nice
but that's when the mask is off

At night
your ready to fight
and filled with fright

Kill all who stand in your way
death man
death rules you all yell
but not until someone is dead
and your in jail


The Smell Of Life

by

Angela Bean

Smells like cigerette smkoe
the smell of your breath
the smell of near death
hooraay, death man
yeah
smoke up a joint
inhale some shit
blast up a bit
don't give a shit
blast by
when your high
cigar smell
um, rich and fine
smells divine
go down to your local 4:20
a union of brotherhood
peace out man
peace out and get high
as high as the sky
then smoke up
and die


Street Life

by

Angela Bean

Children raised up
get out of the house and smoke up
cause and effect
ain't get no respect
been classified
lived life on the streets and then died
say ya need counselin'
fuck dem' they don't know shit
ain't nothing a physchiatrist can tell ya, thatcha' don't know
what, they think ya a damn fool
cuz, when ya quit school
wanna get the hell out
lock up, in a cell bout'
no where to go
runnin' from the cops
on the go
a warrant for ya arrest


Sitting In A Field

by

Angela Bean

Chasing Amy
around the grassy fields of gypsy
noteless thoughts of a novel
pondering Diego's looks
Diocletian looks on
Brave army, dignified
shall diffuse the bombardment!
The bookish girl
head dug in her book
Bonfire of the evil Bacchus
Ferocious calls of the Bacchanals
the young, inncoent, vampiric girls
Bacchus, their ruler
their lives taken over
howls in the night
like a fiery hell or fright
creating mayhem
all about
walking along
singing a song
there was Elijah Blue
and Fred Durst too
centaurs roam
amazons protect their home
I roam
to find my home
I look,
but no ones there
there stands Zeke
on that high peak


Doesn't Think

by

Angela Bean

The occult
the observant
the quiet
the deserving
Octavious and Odysseus
mythological obsession
disgraceful aggression
sadful depression
agreeing to agree
fleeing to fight
all in spite
mindless thoughts in the head
thinking to be dead
foretell the future
sitting on the pedastool
smoking my pipe

Smell of cigars linger about
sounds of kids running about
looking, just staring out the window
crystal meth, the deadly drugs
sounds of ghosts, who died from crystal meth
oblivious to what is really going on
no one around
except ghosts walking abound
no one will visit
no one will come
the ghosts who are among
have scareed them all away


In A Group

by

Angela Bean

the mad
the insane
the no names
no brains
preps, dweebs
nerds, jocks
terds, motor dudes
engine experts
the dweebies, the freaks
the satanists, the nerds
the skateboarders
the wiggas, the brothers
they are all the same
the motorheads and others are alike
preps have no clue
they got it good
they're rich, so they should
the loners and the outsiders
they are the two best
they're the one's who know
wo know how it really is
how life really is
unfair
unfair is the word
that's life


Forsee My Death

by

Angela Bean

witness to a crime
kind man without a dime
busy dude without any time
got his chick
doing her witchcraft
woeful of woes
passing my foes
I touch the kiss of death
taking one last breath
they lower the coffin
everyone sies
everyone cries
flowers are delivereed
roses are sat there
the coffin is lowered
seeing the last of daylight
darkness, I will see
darkness forever
that's what's in store for me


This Is Life

by

Angela Bean

the fight of your life
the pain and the strife
the dead and the gone
defying authority
paying respect and loyalty
harlem world
and the No Limit soldiers
Death Row dudes
and the Wu-Tang Clan
let the violence stop
the rape, and the burglary
mindless thoughts
though from a mindful brain
the voices make me go insane
midlife crisis is now
the bloody massacre goes pow
dude, don't have a cow
you shall revenge your brother's death
prove what you need to prove
die, how you shall die
hazy, it is
quite hazy here
it goes black
all dark and quiet
gangs and chains
the whips and brass knuckles
Sayzar looks up
cuz he's all shook up

don't know where the h_ll he is
or if his families doing well
when your locked up in the pen you don't feel so well
hangin' round all day in a jail cell
i hate this h_ll
livin' life of not givin' a fu_k
defying authority
and disobeyin'
tryin' to get out
havin' to shout
being loud
and heard
gettin' everyone to listen to a word
no one gives a fu_k
cos this life will always su_k
going through school
livin' life in a bloody pool
havin' razor marks
etched up and down yo' arm
not bringin' no one else harm
this life's unfair
so i ain't gonna complain
no more


My Friends

by

Angela Bean

I'm insane
that I know
it surely will show
what I have
I shall not use
It's a deadly cause
life itself
a faulty move
and your life could be gone
playing with the spirits
you should fear it
the following shall come
withcraft is ordered


Some People

by

Angela Bean

They look and they point
They laugh and they shout
who are they to point
who are they to laugh
who cares about their untold stories
they are straight
they make fun us and laugh
we don't care
no one will know
no one will understand


Nicki's Depression

by

Angela Bean

look at her
nicki all innocent
her story untold
her life, she is bold
her cries in the night
as I hold her tight


AIDS

by

Angela Bean

does god not love us?
does god not care about us
his supposed' people
is there actually a god?
why did god give people AIDS
a man raped my girlfriend and she got AIDS from him
god created people and that man had AIDS
is it god's fault?
i see it that way
I have much pain in me
I do not believe in god now
I don't really know if he exists
the pain inside me blocks all belief of everything
it blocks the power to love
and I'll never love a man now
wouldn't want to anyway
a woman may come along
but until then i will not believe


About You

by

Angela Bean

your feelings are
left untold
your courageous and proud
and totally bold
you shout above the crowd
you, arre the only one there
you feel all alone
your story is untold
your life is in a standstill
your thoughts are not spoken
not told, not carried out
your words go unheard

your tale not heard
your story unread
no one will know the story of your life
no one listens
they seem not to care
they seem not to pay attention


How I Loved Nicki

by

Angela Bean

Nicki sits there
staring at me with her blue eyes
her eyes as deep as the ocean
her gaze like a child wanting love
I stare at her
looking at her, knowing what she's saying
I walk to her, put my arms around her
hug her tight, hold her in my arms
kiss her on the cheek, and tell her I love her
I'll make her fears go away
and her dreams come true
give her all she wants in life

make her only mine
give her all my time
give her what she wants
let no one harm her
give her everything
cos she is special
and that a_shole took it away
one day
Nicki got AIDS
lived a good life
though we knew it'd end one day
we stayed together
doing as much as we could

though one day
Nicki couldn't handle it
so she shot herself
one bullet in the head
and soon after that
my girl Nicki was dead


Stupid

by

Angela Bean

you are really stupid
when you think about it
do you really listen to your parents?
are you rebellious?
sure, go ahead
you can be rebellious
but think, before you act
i knew a girl
she was the best thing ever
best thing in my life
she got raped
she got AIDS, and died soon after
are you really smart?
your stupid
listen to your parents
listen when they say don't have sex
not, until your married
don't have sex
until your responsible
your stupid
listen to what your parents have to say


Life

by

Angela Bean

Life is unfair
we're born, then we die
we take what we get
even though it's not all good
life is a gift
a gift, not to be wasted
we play the cards we're dealt
some people are just luckier than others
take life one step at a time
cos, remember
you never know if your going to wake up the next day to enjoy it!!!


Weed

by

Angela Bean

this poem may not rhyme
but I need to get a dime
or maybe just a quarter
and send myself to Charter
if I get a pound
I'll be on the ground

passed out, no doubt
once I had an ounce
I felt like I could bounce
or maybe I could fly
I really can't remember
i was just too high


Silence

by

Angela Bean

sometimes silence can be so loud
it's like beating a drum
without a cloud
no one around
not a sound
no one to be heard
no one to be seen
not anything
not a telephone ring

just you
not speaking a word
nothing but the
silence heard

not the buzzing of cars
no falling stars
no movement
no home improvement
the world is dead
starving people not fed
people racist
the prejudice can't face us
people dying
caring people trying


Bang

by

Angela Bean

So living life behind bars
With the memory and scars
I know it was a mistake
I know now it wasn't fake
The sound of the scream
It wasn't a dream
but it just was a thoughtless doing
I was kinda fooling
But when a life is taken
I know I can't be mistaken

I'm beggin' a plea
Just to be free
Why can't they see
What their doing to me

So I'll live my life
Go through all the strife
I'm sure the family hates me
But why can't they see
He was just fooling with me
So with all this gang shit
All the violence, all the gangs
And the shots that sound with a bang
Ain't nothin' that I am personally responsible for
I mean his sister was a w_ore
But that's not why I did what I did
It wasn't my fault
I know I was there
I know I should've cared
He had problems
I could solve em'

He pointed it towards me
I felt blinded as if I couldn't see
He was just jokin'
And he was smokin'
When you got dope
There's just no hope
He thought it wasn't loaded
But when he pulled the trigger, it karoaded
Yeah it backfired on him
All of a sudden the light went dim
So as you can see
It wasn't me
Not me who shot him


Tangled Thoughts

by

Angela Bean

I run in a maze
I fall in a daze
I scream in the craze
I know there are ways
The light shine's bright
And I stare in fright
With this angry terror in me
I can only see
I can only see me, screaming in rage
yelling beyond belief
pulling out my hair
shredding my papers in angry rage
getting on stage & singing will stop my angst

But I cannot stop my hate for him
sometimes he's nice and cool
but then I feel like a demon
ready to breathe fire to the one's I hate
I know it may be a mistake
and no it won't shake
this hatred I have
but he caused this hatred I have
I will always be angry, mad and mean
I will always be cruel, and in pain


This Life Is Unfair

by

Angela Bean

this life is unfair
we stay in dispair
we are young
but we grow up
soon we become old
but we mold through the years
so I can't stop the pain
I can't stop the rain
I just gotta get out
sometimes this d_mn life makes me wanna shout

so come on now
shout it all out
come on
this life is unfair
just shout it all out
so ya know I'm gonna get on a bus & get the h_ll outta here


Cos Your Different

by

Angela Bean

your not like them
you will "sin"
they aren't gay
they are straight
they only see hate
they ridicule
cos your gay


Be

by

Angela Bean

be peaceful
but sometimes angry
be happy
be honest
never lie, or steal
be nice
never be mean
be cool about things
never act out in an instant

be honest
be happy
be angry
be depressed
be mad
be sad
be glad
be all the things you wish you could have
be yourself
be honest
be truthful
never lie
be yourself


Go

by

Angela Bean

I'm gonna leave here
I'm gonna go
Look for what I'm searching for
If I find it maybe I'll stay
Never come back at all
So I'm gonna go look for what I'm searching for
If I find it I might not come back at all
or I might stay


You Don't Know

by

Angela Bean

Shut up, you don't know what I could do
I could point my gun at you
But would rather turn the gun towards me
Shoot myself for you to see
It's really all your fault
Thought you could talk the talk
Gay suicide is very high
I ended my life with no goodbye


Fear

by

Angela Bean

so I am getting tired of hidin'
in the shadows but in the dark
got to be so quiet
oh don't wanna wake him
as quiet as a mouse
as tall as a house
as round as a mouth
fear sets in me
I can feel my heart beating
it gets slow then gradually
starts beating real fast
this fear that I carry
is so heavy

my heart beats
it pounds within me
I try to run away from my fears
I run and I run until I can't anymore
I fall to the ground and rest
but suddenly I hear footsteps
they sound like there closer and closer
I get up and look around
no one is in sight, no one around

soon my fear will catch up
I start running so fast
I run into a pole and hit my head
and land in the water
I am knocked unconscious
and no one is around
I dround in my fears
I ran away from my fears
and into death


What's Happening?

by

Angela Bean

the best are the sad songs
seems that, that is life now
war has set in
depression is beginning again
is this dejavu?
is this all heppening over?
is Hitler back?
has he been reborn?
what is really going on?
they won't say
is our lives in danger?
should we run for our lives?
should we stay and fight?
what the hell is going on?
stop and look around
everything's going down!!


What's Really Going On

by

Angela Bean

the sound of violence and crime
is so loud
even a deaf man can hear it
out of a big crowd
young teens doing drugs
little children smoking with thugs
kids wanting in ganggs
just to be cool
the crimes in front
of our eyes
even a blind man
can see it's no disguise

so open up your yearbook
there are pictures missing
wonder where those kids are
those kids are dead that's where
they cose to drink & drive
so the pain and memories that derive
in the heart of us all
lots of people saw
but no one stopped them
no one cared
that's why this world is so messed up
people started to stop caring
no one cares anymore
so our world will die alone


Too Much To Handle

by

Angela Bean

It's too much
I can't stand it
It's just too much for me to handle
What the heck is wrong with me
where has the real me gone
or is this the real me
guys, 2, why
why do they have to like me
i don't want to hurt their feelings
I'm taken
3's too much
2 is bad enough
It has to stop

If it doesn't go away
I'll shoot myself
My brain hurts
it's too much for me
too much for my brain
if I had a gun, I'd be gone
BANG
one hit, and I'm gone


Tired Of This Life

by

Angela Bean

you want to just get away
tired of the straight life
straight life where you don't belong
you feel odd & out of place
not yourself
like your acting
cos you can't be yourself
not really
people will ridicule

life will just be more depressing
more crappy
like hell
like death
you think your honest
but your hiding
can't tell the truth
can't tell what you want
can't just say, "yes I'm gay"
you'd be laughed out of society
you'd be driven into suicide
if not already


How I Felt

by

Angela Bean

you feel dirty
you want to climb out of your body
just run away, get away
shut everyone out
be alone
let the problems not be shone
isolate yourself
paint everything black
black as death


If I Was Gone

by

Angela Bean

If I wasn't here it'd be better
Their life would be much better
Much better for them
They wouldn't bother me
And when I die'd I wouldn't have to worry


I Don't Care

by

Angela Bean

I don't know what to say
What is wroong with me
Or is it I just can't see
No, they can't play mind games with me
I know who I am and what I am
I don't care about them
They can keep on talking


Annie

by

Angela Bean

Annie was 12
Licing on the streets
thrown out when she was 10
mother died
father was a drunk
in and out of rehab
tryin' to find whatever she can
nothin' to eat
very poor
outta school
cos she has no home
and no money
and she ain't gonna have no
education
poor, no job
no life
poor Annie needed to be rescued
but she's gonna die


Let Me Be

by

Angela Bean

Du haste
Go away
Leve me here
there's nothing left to say
except for memories
go away
don't speak
du say nothing
leave me here
let me die


Nothing To See

by

Angela Bean

There's nothing here
the smell of fear
and the smell of beer
there's nothing to see
I can't see you
and I can't see me
I fall on the floor
there's nothing to see
there's nothing to hear
you look at me
which isn't much

just some kid
with alcohol on her breath
running from death
and running the one's she hates
but it'll all soon catch up
and she'll do whatever she has to
you look at me
nothing much to see
only skin and bones
very boney
nothing good
you walk away like you should


My Feelings For You

by

Angela Bean

I don't know, if you know
I write you every day
I just don't know what to say
I really like you
It's a feeling I can't describe
But I'll try
I'll tell you in as many words as I can
How much I'm in love with you
It's quite easy you see
Why I want it to be you and me


This Anger I Have

by

Angela Bean

I am here and here to stay
I will rock your world
Shake the earth

I am an Anarchist
Bornt from hell
And on my head I fell
Born to be rockin'
Live for shakin'

I crawl through the dark depths of the deep ocean
Thinkin' of what next I'll do

I can harm you
I can haunt you
I can scare you to death
But, leave me alone
and I'll let you go home
Do not bother me
or the touch of death you'll see
Go away
don't bother me


How We Feel

by

Angela Bean

We will die
We will pull out our guns
Point them to our dumbass heads
pull the trigger
and we shall die
we were meant to die anyway
other's lives will be better for it


Clueless To Life

by

Angela Bean

Life is pointless
there's no meaning
what is the point
It's like a story
But untold
and to never go on
a story never to be told
a story that'll end
something that wasn't meant to be
something that wasn't meant to go on


Don't Care

by

Angela Bean

just leave us alone
please don't ask us
just let us die in peace
let us kill ourselves
you pretend to care
even though you don't care
we don't care
cos we don't want you to care


Confusion

by

Angela Bean

The voices in my head
tell me that I should be dead
they say that's the only way out
it makes me want to scream and shout
just yell out
just stand up, and scream and shout
say what I feel
because I guess this is real
I guess it's a big deal
of course, killing myself is not the way I feel
that's stupid, and dumb
ha, why feel like that, and numb


The Way Life Is

by

Angela Bean

It's easier to respond
to things that seem unnormal
that's just the way it is
life is better that way
things, that you can't think of to say
no words come to mind
responding to odd is the only thing you know
odd is good


Looking For Something

by

Angela Bean

tryin' to push
tryin' to shove
my crazed little obsession
it's an obsession
or maybe a thought
but it's cool
and hard to find
and i'm going crazy in my mind
and soon there'll be something I have to find
I can't see it now
and I don't know if I will


Choices

by

Angela Bean

Each day, we make a choice
even if it's a bad choice
or if it's a good choice
but, the choices we make...
effect us each day
we make a bad choice today...
and suffer the consequences tommorow
but the one choice we should make...
is whether we'll wake up the next day


How It Was

by

Angela Bean

This life
the stained carpet of memories
the blackboard
the smell of smoke in the room
life was good then
she's gone now
hearing her laugh, and cry
making her feel better when she was down
trying to cheer her up and act like a clown
drowning the tears, and throwing away the fears
it helped her when I was near


Wanting Of Acceptance

by

Angela Bean

I want to be accepted, for who I am
what I am, and the good I can bring
Nothin' matters no more tho'
Wanting to be accepted, by society and life
Life is hard, and so is livin' it
go day by day, wanting of acceptance
is it something I can get
or do I have to search for it
over the hills, through mountains
I will go far as I have to, to find acceptance


Bottled Up

by

Angela Bean

I'm bottled up
inside
I cannot run
i cannot hide
there's no where
i can go
there's no way
my feelings can show
all my feelings
are bottled up inside
the feelings i have
are all bottled up
inside
can't shake it
so it'll come out
cos
it's all bottled up inside


Passion

by

Angela Bean

I bought you some perfume
to wear
I look at you
and stare
mesmerized by your beauty
thinking of your smile
makes me smile
for awhile
we make love
in the night
and i hold you
tight
makin love in
the night
with passion
our only desire
sweet passion
in the night


My observation

by

Angela Bean

the lesbian teacher could not fail to recognize the girl's obviously affected voice
the students overlooked a scholarly analysis of doubts and misunderstandings
the gay and lesbian community showed great human sympathy in formulating policies
he was wounded in the crisis but not in life
she was not particularly amused by his attempts at bitter satire
he found the parameters of the shocking truth
and the prolonged lamentations of the old preacher never ceased
he had a panic-stricken expression on his face
it was critical of their aggresively uncooperative attitude that pleased them
the colors that'll show in the time frame of youth


Why

by

Angela Bean

why do we die
i only ask why
i dont understand it
why people become cannibals
what is wrong with us
why do we suffer
why do we have pain
why do we cry
why do we get hurt
why does god give people AIDS
why do people hate so much
why do we hate
why can't we get along
why can't we be peaceful
why do we use slurs
why do we kill why can't there be bo discrimination
i only ask why


Call To The Mistress

by

Angela Bean

She calls her mistress on the phone
Telling her mistress when she'll be home
her darling dear will be a little late
she ran into her birth mother, must be fate
she calls her mistress to explain
saying she's sorry to be such a pain
this woman she's meeting is not her birth mother
the woman is her ex, there to talk and catch up
the woman says sorry and drinks from her cup
the 2 drink frappacinnos
the woman a flilippino
she calls her mistress saying she'll be late
she tells her mistress, her lover, not to stay up and wait


I am tired of running_.

by

Angela Bean

I am tired of running_.from the things that keep me from doing what I want_.i want to be free_..express myself_the way I need too_..


If only I could live tommorow_

by

Angela Bean

If only I could live tommorow_see what I might get_see what might come_I donít know_is it too risky?_.humm_I cut my wrists open with a knife_.and let the blood trickle down my arm_and I scream_to myself_.íwhy do you have to be gayí_..ídonít you see what you are doing to your motherí_.damnit_I cant help it_why do I feel this way_what is wrong with me_.i love women_soooooo much_.i hate men_.i am in love with women_I hate myself_.


i just want to cry..

by

Angela Bean

i just want to cry..lock myself away...just cos I am gay....sing a song in my head....wishing that i was dead...run away...from everything around me.... I dont want to be here...i dont even know why i am....i did have a plan...planned what i was going to do...now i dont know...who cares....i just want to be with my girlfriend...to be able to hold her....and hug her.....and cuddle with her...and tell her how much i love her.....


I want to be with you...

by

Angela Bean

I want to be with you...I am sad...I am not glad...about the things in my life...I am ready to die...I am ready to get away...and not feel the things I do right now...I am ready to rest...and fall into a deep sleep...and never wake up...again...never...again....


I knew I shouldnít have acted that way

by

Angela Bean

I knew I shouldnít have acted that way_Oh well_not like I give a damn_I donít care_I am just a teenage dirtbag baby_..i am fucked up in the head_I screwed up_I am dead_I have sinned_I am a lesbian_.no one cares_.like chicks are here_.where?_.who cares?_.they donít_parents suck_..i hate my mom_she is a bitch_I hate my life_I hate myself_I hate what I have become_I am a disgrace_ a piece of trash human being_I am a lesbian,_I am a loser_I am a loser_I am a loser_I am a looooooooooser__I am a dumbass_.a poetical piece of practical pathetic excuse for a human being_.try to say that in less than 5 words_lol_donít laugh_laughing sucks_.cry_..no_donít cry_.crying makes me not tough_I am tough_I have to be_.i donít want to be a loser__I am a loser_.guess what_I am a loser_.the end


meaning were gonna die

by

Angela Bean

meaning were gonna die_weíre gonna put the guns to our heads_.keep pullin the trigger till weíre dead_i am so fucked up in the head_if you couldnít already tell that_.i am soo tired_.living this life makes me tired as hell_my soul..needs rest_needs time to decay and refreshen_.


I am here_.

by

Angela Bean

I am here_.not by choice_.Oh, Ok. It's all good_.no its not_it is fucked up_life is fucked up_.dont worry about it_I donít care_.nothing matters_I dont care about anything anymore_i dont care_.doesnt matter to me_.anymore_.i am just sad_but it doesnít matter_cos the best things in life are melancholy_and sickness, sadness, depression_it all comes with the territory of living_which sucks big time_it doesnt matter_.nothing i feel matters_.everything has to be about fucking sex_.forget about it_.leave me alone_go home_I wanted you_and you wouldnít let me have you_your too busy_wasting your time away_with someone youíd rather talk to_I have moved on_I wanted you_I am in love_so kiss my ass now_just forget i brought it up ok_..i am sorry_.i am sorry for living_sorry for hurting_.sorry for mutilating_what we call our human souls_the very thing we would sacrifice_for love_if we had too_I am used to it by now_.i am used to getting hurt_tormented_teased_cussed at_yelled out_I am used to feeling like I am 1 inch tall_I am used to being called a faggot, a dyke_a loser_a lesbian_.a queer_I am used to being taunted_and kicked around_.by my peers_


Why does it have to be_

by

Angela Bean

Why does it have to be_that I am so terribly_in love with you..i cannot get you out of my mind_.the thought of you makes me go crazy_I want to be with you sooooo bad_I cannot wait till we meet_.i am fucked up in the head_I have been ever since day one_when I am gone_they will miss me_imagine what life will be like without me_oh mommy, daddy_dumbasses_.what will you think of your little lesbian daughter when she is dead??huh!!!_.yeah bitch_thatís what I thought_.i am here_not by choice_cos its not like I couldíve said, "please_I am a newborn baby_please kill me."_ I mean life is fucked up_I am fucked up_the choices I have made in life_I am not very proud of_some shit that has happened_has actually happened for a reason_now some stuff in life I just do not understand_and I am thinking_maybe I will never understand it_but I guess_as time goes on_.I will figure it out_if not_oh well_.lets see class_what is the first thing you think of when you wake up?_.Bean..you..what is it that you think of when you first wake up?_are you talking to me?_the lesbian sitting back here_well_damnit I am still alive_.see_I am fucked up in the head_depressed?_nah_just donít care_and donít understand_why I am living_what is life going to give to me?_.it is hard to understand_I just donít know_anyways_


I am locked away_.

by

Angela Bean

I am locked away_.but I am about to break free_.I am proud_I am gay_I ready to explode_.i am ready to fight those mother fuckers who are gay bashers__I am ready to stand up_..i am ready to fight_I went from rebellious teen_.to depressed_.i lost myself_I hid_..i ran away and crawled into a hole_left my soul_I have come back though_.and I am who I was always meant to be_..thatís the only thing my parents cant see_this is me_.this is who I am_I am never going to change_I am here to stay__


I am just not right_

by

Angela Bean

I am just not right_I donít know what to say_I am gay_I am proud of who I am_I am just not feeling right about who I am_.just not right now_.my mom is making me feel ashamed of who I am_like I should change_cos its not right_.what is wrong with me_I have never et anyone make me feel that way_.i look like a fucking boy now_.damnit_I LOVE my haircut though_I LOVE who I am_.I donít like what my life might be going towards though..I cannot help that though_.I am trying my damndest__.I am just not right__


i joined this...i dont know why...

by

Angela Bean

i joined this...i dont know why...i guess cos i thought maybe...there was other people like me...i am angela...i am 19...i am sometimes depressed...it comes and goes...i am happy now..well not happy..but not sad..i am just here that is all...i used to cut my wrists and stuff with razorblades....and i cut my arms with razorblades...and carve things into my arm with razorblades...but i havent done that in awhile...i used to do heroin...i stopped that a LONG time ago..and i used needles and so i thought the pain i was suffering would go away if i did it...so then i started cutting myself...the pain went away...but then it came back...and i kept cutting myself...i havent done that in awhile..i am not really in pain...during that time...i was in the process of coming out...and i wanted to die...i tried to kill myself...i thought if I did that...then no one would have to hate me for who i was...i didnt think i was normal at all...i still dont...but i kinda got over that...i am not happy where i am living...being here in virginia in the place that i am is depressing sometimes..cos what i needed wasnt here and still isnt..and i find myself struggling everyday...i am ok though...well that is my life story


running my mouth...

by

Angela Bean

running my mouth...when i should be dead__thinkin bout suicidal tendancies...cannot get my mind off self mutilation....masterbation...homesexual thoughts...lesbian tendancies....dreaming....i am the dreamer of dreams...wisked away by the darkness they call death...vampiric spirits that haunt me....here to kill me....if not kill myself first.... i have scars..upon my arms...needle marks.....left for all to see.....wow.....oh me......what a dumbass.....left for the decaying.....rotting.......dead.....but not alive....not so dead yet either....... i was fucked up in the head....till i was dead....cant say a damn word....cos i dont know how....now....life has given me....all kindsa shit..... i got what i want now...cos i found it....life is ok.....but hey.....what can i say..... i never thought of death.....except as some paranormal being.....some death wrenched love....used to be sooo tortuous......beaten to death....by the thing called love....never new what it meant.....never wanted to....hated it...and all it meant..... if i cannot talk to you tommorow my fair maiden...i must die.. take a knife....and stab it into my heart_ or take poison...to die faster_.. i am thinkin about nonless dribbling shit..words that I shouldnít say_.cos I am gay_.. i always think....if i am dead...then they would be like...well we should have loved her more and not have cared if she was a lesbian._.oh well_.death has come_it has set upon me_like the setting sun_that sets over the horizon_..


Free

by

Angela Bean

I am feeling
Like I want to fly
Run into the sky
Get high
Got a pipe
A crack pipe
Or could be for weed
Oh yes
Get high indeed
I am ready to have some fun
Fuck all this depressing shit
That is not fun
That is boring
I am ready to run free
My parents canít stop me
They will have to see
That this is me
I am who I am supposed to be
I have a wonderful girlfriend
I have someone I love
And someone who loves me
I am free
I have been set free


I am locked away_.

by

Angela Bean

I am locked away_.but I am about to break free_.I am proud_I am gay_I ready to explode_.i am ready to fight those mother fuckers who are gay bashers__I am ready to stand up_..i am ready to fight_I went from rebellious teen_.to depressed_.i lost myself_I hid_..i ran away and crawled into a hole_left my soul_I have come back though_.and I am who I was always meant to be_..thatís the only thing my parents cant see_this is me_.this is who I am_I am never going to change_I am here to stay__


If only I could live tommorow_

by

Angela Bean

If only I could live tommorow_see what I might get_see what might come_I donít know_is it too risky?_.humm_I cut my wrists open with a knife_.and let the blood trickle down my arm_and I scream_to myself_.íwhy do you have to be gayí_..ídonít you see what you are doing to your motherí_.damnit_I cant help it_why do I feel this way_what is wrong with me_.i love women_soooooo much_.i hate men_.i am in love with women_I hate myself_


i just want to cry..

by

Angela Bean

i just want to cry..lock myself away...just cos I am gay....sing a song in my head....wishing that i was dead...run away...from everything around me.... I dont want to be here...i dont even know why i am....i did have a plan...planned what i was going to do...now i dont know...who cares....i just want to be with my girlfriend...to be able to hold her....and hug her.....and cuddle with her...and tell her how much i love her.....


I want to be with you...

by

Angela Bean

I want to be with you...I am sad...I am not glad...about the things in my life...I am ready to die...I am ready to get away...and not feel the things I do right now...I am ready to rest...and fall into a deep sleep...and never wake up...again...never...again....


I am here_.

by

Angela Bean

I am here_.not by choice_.Oh, Ok. It's all good_.no its not_it is fucked up_life is fucked up_.dont worry about it_I donít care_.nothing matters_I dont care about anything anymore_i dont care_.doesnt matter to me_.anymore_.i am just sad_but it doesnít matter_cos the best things in life are melancholy_and sickness, sadness, depression_it all comes with the territory of living_which sucks big time_it doesnt matter_.nothing i feel matters_.everything has to be about fucking sex_.forget about it_.leave me alone_go home_I wanted you_and you wouldnít let me have you_your too busy_wasting your time away_with someone youíd rather talk to_I have moved on_I wanted you_I am in love_so kiss my ass now_just forget i brought it up ok_..i am sorry_.i am sorry for living_sorry for hurting_.sorry for mutilating_what we call our human souls_the very thing we would sacrifice_for love_if we had too_I am used to it by now_.i am used to getting hurt_tormented_teased_cussed at_yelled out_I am used to feeling like I am 1 inch tall_I am used to being called a faggot, a dyke_a loser_a lesbian_.a queer_I am used to being taunted_and kicked around_.by my peers_


Why does it have to be_

by

Angela Bean

Why does it have to be_that I am so terribly_in love with you..i cannot get you out of my mind_.the thought of you makes me go crazy_I want to be with you sooooo bad_I cannot wait till we meet_.i am fucked up in the head_I have been ever since day one_when I am gone_they will miss me_imagine what life will be like without me_oh mommy, daddy_dumbasses_.what will you think of your little lesbian daughter when she is dead??huh!!!_.yeah bitch_thatís what I thought_.i am here_not by choice_cos its not like I couldíve said, "please_I am a newborn baby_please kill me."_ I mean life is fucked up_I am fucked up_the choices I have made in life_I am not very proud of_some shit that has happened_has actually happened for a reason_now some stuff in life I just do not understand_and I am thinking_maybe I will never understand it_but I guess_as time goes on_.I will figure it out_if not_oh well_.lets see class_what is the first thing you think of when you wake up?_.Bean..you..what is it that you think of when you first wake up?_are you talking to me?_the lesbian sitting back here_well_damnit I am still alive_.see_I am fucked up in the head_depressed?_nah_just donít care_and donít understand_why I am living_what is life going to give to me?_.it is hard to understand_I just donít know_anyways_


they took away...something from me

by

Angela Bean

they took away
something from me
they violated a part of me
*screams*
there is no god
you know
cos if there was
he would have done something
to stop it all
its like god was watching from above
and did nothing
just watching and probably laughing
and somehow i think i deserved it
i want to beat myself
scrape my skin till it bleeds


I thought about you today

by

Angela Bean

I thought about you today
And I thought about us
Having sex
Candles lit
All around the room
Your naked body
Lying there on the rug
As I pour oil on your soft skin
And rub it in gently

I think of you
And how much I love you
And how much I wish we were together
At this exact moment
In time_..
But how that seems so impossible
And how that sucks
So much
And how much
I feel
Like
Fallin to the floor
And pulling out my hair
And screaming your name
And crying
Crying your name
I love you Becca
I miss you so much

The distance is killing me__..
Slowly
But I can wait till we are together
Maybe, I can wait
I will wait
Cos I donít want to lose you

I love
You
I love you
Forever
And I am holding
Onto your hand
And I will never let go baby


I hit my knee

by

Angela Bean

I hit my knee
On my desk
The blood starts flowing
Then runs out
Of my knee
And I hold it
Crying
Damnit, that hurt
I didnít think
I hit it that hard
I must be mistaken
It hurt like hell
The blood flows out of my knee
Like my life is being drained from my soul
I will not grow old
I am about to die
Wither away and never come back
No one will
Remember me
And no one will know who I am


I will take your hand

by

Angela Bean

I will take your hand
And walk you down the road
Not the aisle
We will walk
Down the road
And I will hold your hand
And hold onto you
A kiss you
And hug you
Ad tell you
All the things
That I have been meaning
To tell you
I know this
That I love you
And no one
I say NO ONE
Will stop us
No one will stop us
From loving each other
Becca
I love you


Smoke a pipe

by

Angela Bean

Smoke a pipe
Smoke a bowl
Get high
24-7
or grow old
I am a lesbian
You are a crackhead
My parents hate me
Your parents canít even see
What the hell is wrong with you
Letís get high
Letís fly
Letís go downtown
And buy some nice vintage wear
Or some wiccan stuff
Or perhaps your looking more for love
I have already found love
I am not looking for anything now
Except to meet the love of my life
Life is hard
But then you die
Oh well
Youíll never know why
Until maybe its too late


i joined this...

by

Angela Bean

i joined this...i dont know why...i guess cos i thought maybe...there was other people like me...i am angela...i am 19...i am sometimes depressed...it comes and goes...i am happy now..well not happy..but not sad..i am just here that is all...i used to cut my wrists and stuff with razorblades....and i cut my arms with razorblades...and carve things into my arm with razorblades...but i havent done that in awhile...i used to do heroin...i stopped that a LONG time ago..and i used needles and so i thought the pain i was suffering would go away if i did it...so then i started cutting myself...the pain went away...but then it came back...and i kept cutting myself...i havent done that in awhile..i am not really in pain...during that time...i was in the process of coming out...and i wanted to die...i tried to kill myself...i thought if I did that...then no one would have to hate me for who i was...i didnt think i was normal at all...i still dont...but i kinda got over that...i am not happy where i am living...being here in virginia in the place that i am is depressing sometimes..cos what i needed wasnt here and still isnt..and i find myself struggling everyday...i am ok though...well that is my life story


I am going to bed_

by

Angela Bean

I am going to bed_I am bored_. depressed_. sad_. tired_and I am missing u like crazy_my heart is aching from the pain_it has shattered_I threw it against the wall and it broke_now I donít have a heart_cos I broke it into a million pieces_..I pulled it from my chest_I am going to die_.I am dead_.goodbye, sad, cruel world, that hates me and that never really liked me in the first place_.goodbye____


I am going to run away_

by

Angela Bean

I am going to run away_get away from what I hate.get away from what hates me_I am going to kill myself..I am going to blow my brains out..I am going to end my life..I am going to tape my death, for all to see_.so everyone can me kill myself_I hate my life.I hate myself_I want to die right now_.that seems like the only soltion, DEATH_


Hey...guess what

by

Angela Bean

Hey...guess what I am fucked up..I am going to die..I have no life anyway_my life is fucked up_I hate my life..my life sucks_my head is going to explode_..shoot me in the head please_let me drink your poison_..


Something starts

by

Angela Bean

Something starts
Swelling up in my throat
I get a built up
Rage
Iím sad though
So sad
Tears start
Streaming down my face
My girlfriend is not here with me

I am sad
My girlfriend
Is at college
Sheís in college
Iím sad
And alone
And want her home
With me
Where
We will sleep
In the same bed
And hold each other
All night

I want my girlfriend
With me
I am sad
I want to die
I want to blow
My fucking brains out
I want to be
With her so bad
But I canít
I want
To die
now


I am in total bliss

by

Angela Bean

I am in total bliss
By your beauty
I want to look and stare at you
All day
I want to kiss
Your soft neck
Kiss your
Soft beautiful lips
I LOVE womenís lips
I am going to LOVE your lips
Let me kiss your hand
And lead you to my place
Where we can be
Together and happy


I am gonna run away

by

Angela Bean

I am gonna run away
Get the fuck away
From my bigoted hatemonger parents
Who also happen to be homophobic
Huh duh
If you couldnít already guess that
Hehehe duh
Anywayz
I am ready to rip it open
Blast out
Bust out
Get the hell out
So
I am gonna bust out
Get out of here
Go where ever the hell I want to go
Cos this is my life
And NO ONE is going to run it
NO ONE is going to tell me
Where and where not I can go
I am going to go into TOTAL anarchy
IO donít give a fuck
What anybody says
I donít care what you think
If you donít like me
You can suck my mother f*ckin d*ck
If I had one
Right
I do
A dildo
John Holmes baby
Let me shove it down ur throat B*tch boy
I am happy
I am totally happy
I am ready to explode
I am ready to break out
Watch the news
I might be on it
They will say,
"Todays police reports"
Anarchy is gonna erupt
Till then peace out yall


What's So Good

by

Angela Bean

What's so good
is that
I can wake up in the morning
and breathe
and know that i am alive

know that
i am probably going to have a good day
meet lots of new people
and say, "hello all, peace, and be happy"

What's so good
is that I have a wonderful girlfriend
that i love very dearly
and that loves me
and that i will spend the rest of my life with

What's so good
is that
I have lots of wonderful friends
and I am now happy
where I am

What's so good
is that
for once in my life
I am actually happy

What's so good
is that
I have never been happier
or
felt better in my life

Being alive
that's what's so good!!!


Thougts Before I Go To Bed

by

Angela Bean

good night all. good night, and never say i didnt give anything
because when you kissed me i gave you my life i gave you my love
i gave you everything i had from above
everything that meant
something special to me
but for some reason
you just cant see
how special those things
are to me
i wish you knew
how i felt about you
cos then you would know
how in love
i am with you


I want to lick your wounds

by

Angela Bean

I want to lick your wounds
Heal your scars
Take you away
Far and far

Make everything
That has happened to you
That is bad
Go away
Heal your pain

Cleanse your body
Of everything that is evil
That has come to you

Take one breath
And then another
And make each other
Feel better together

You and I
I will help you along the way
To see you stay healthy
And make sure your ok


Eternal Beauty

by

Angela Bean

The stars will come
Out
The sun will come
Up
Light will show
Itís pretty face
The mother god
Will be no disgrace
Buddha has
Been here
And will stay
Eternal life
Eternal happiness
Live your life
Forever
Live it like there
Is no tomorrow
Be reborn
Never die
And love
Like youíve never
Been loved before


American Nightmare

by

Angela Bean

Welcome to America
New citizens
Welcome to the land
Of the supposed free
Where everyone is said
To be happy
And full of glee
Welcome to America
You walk down the streets
Of New York
And see homeless
Begging for some change
And a little to eat
You smile and shake hands
With everyone you meet
Welcome to America
Where 13 year olds carry guns
And teenage girls have sons
Where thereís a likely chance
Youíll get raped
Pr mugged
By some tatooed thug
With thick eyebrows
And a smug
Welcome to America
Where pollution fills the air
Where people die
Everyday
Welcome to the
American Nightmare


Have you woke up before

by

Angela Bean

Have you woke up before
And wondered
Why am I still alive?
Why am I still alive?
I woke up one day
And thought
Why am I still alive
I should be dead
Why wasnít I dead
I wondered
That was after
The few pills I popped
I thought thatíd kill me
It didnít
Damnit
I thought
Maybe if
I shot myself
I would die
I didnít know
I was just a
Dumb teenager then


WHEN I LOOK INTO YOUR EYES

by

Angela Bean

When I look into your eyes
I see the rest of my life

When I look into your eyes
I see our future together

When i look into your eyes
I see the beauty that you have

when i look into your eyes
I see what i have always wanted

when i look into your eyes
I realize that i have found what i have always wanted

When i look into your eyes
I know i have what i want
and i know i will be happy forever

I know
because when i looked into your eyes
they told me so