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When I think back to my early childhood, two occurrences come to mind that developed my sexual attitudes. The first was my father being called to school because I had gotten up from my desk and punched the boy sitting behind me in my second grade class. The boy had a bad habit of taking my braids and sticking them in the empty inkwell of his desk and then closing the lid. When the teacher would call on me to recite, I would stand up and my hair would be yanked so hard that I would cry out. I patiently asked this boy not to do this several times. The teacher seemed not to notice and I took matters into my own hands. The teacher noticed what I had done and demanded that I apologize to this boy. No Way Jose! So my father was called in. The teacher explained to my father, that the boy didn't really mean anything by his action. In fact, she told my father that he probably was pulling my hair, because he liked me. My father then said something that has stayed with me to this very day.
"I have taught my daughter that people who like her, do not try to hurt her. People who really like her will treat her nicely."
The second occurrence, which played a part in developing my sexual impressions, was playing "doctor" with my good buddy and neighbor. This was fun and felt good.
"Children need encouragement. So if kids get an answer right, tell them it was a lucky guess. That way they develop a good, lucky feeling."
How we feel about sex starts from childhood. What we see and what is communicated to us as children forms the way we deal with sex, when we reach puberty and into our later years. Our families and society set the atmosphere in which each new generation learns about their sexuality. Those children who have had no physical or verbal sexual activity around them have a very confusing time during puberty and often don't have any idea about what's going on. Children who have never seen their parents touch, caress or make love, may find their first experiences at best frustrating. At worst these experiences can turn out disastrous. Sometimes things turn out okay due to a "lucky guess."
We are told that sex is natural and we'll all figure out what to do when the time comes. Animals in zoos, who have never observed mating often can not figure out what to do. These animals, if they are to produce more of themselves, have to be taught how to have sexual intercourse. At first glance, sexual communication seems simple and straight forward: Me Tarzan, you Jane. The reality of the complexities, as Tarzan himself discovers, are sometimes overwhelming. Often people do not have a vocabulary that allows sex to even be discussed. Our abilities to communicate varies. When someone turns us on, we often find ourselves tongue tied and unable to say anything at all. Family and society play a large part in inhibiting our verbalization of our sexual desires. One time when sitting at lunch with my stepmother, I saw a boy who went to the same high school I did. I got up from the table and went over to say hello. When I got back to our table, my stepmother, with a stern look on her face told me that girls did not approach boys. Girls waited for the boy to approach them. I thought that was pretty silly. Until I was older, I was unaware that I had been cited a basic principal. Males are aggressive. Females are passive. How do I know? My hormones tell me so.
It is true that by nature testosterone (mainly male) produces an aggressive nature. Women weightlifters who take steroids definitely become more aggressive as well as have increased strength and muscle definition. Equally true is the estrogen side of the story. As well as making women softer and less muscular, it also provides increased endurance. Estrogen (mainly female) also decreases aggressive behavior, making women more patient and nurturing. However, our social environment and individual differences also have a bearing on how we interact with one another. What weightlifting without hormone infusion (steroids) does for sex is improve your looks and elevate your endurance. You can do chest exercises to shape and firm up your chest. Squats and lunges will develop those...everybody wants them..."buns of steel". A strong and limber back will allow for more variety in sexual positions. Body building also puts you in tune with your body. Watching your muscles developing and your body hardening affirms and enhances sensuality. You start looking at yourself in the mirror and even enjoy running your hands over your body. You have renewed energy. You feel energetic and learn how to use that energy. You learn how to rid yourself of unproductive tension. Applying this knowledge to love making allows you and your mate to embark upon a never ending sexual adventure. Lifting and getting stonger also gives you a feeling of confidence and empowerment. That feeling of empowerment can come in handy when a person you've said "no" to, will not take "no" for an answer. When you feel strong and capable, enforcing that "no means no" becomes easier.
Body building teaches you how to visualize the muscle group you are trying to enhance. Though I "poo-pooed" visualization when I first started lifting, I since discovered that it works. When I am working my back, for instance, I picture my lats spreading. I think about how strong I am and this gives me that extra motivation to complete my next pull-up. I also can remember the thrill of watching my bicep move up and down, while doing curls on the preacher bench. Before I started lifting, I didn't even know I had biceps. Transferring the ability of visualization to sexual intercourse contributes to more intense orgasms. Remember an orgasm is sown in your mind, before it is reaped by your body.
Learning how to talk (think) sex as well as feel sex brings sexual experiences to a higher and more pleasurable level. Physical sexual communication of smelling, seeing and touching initially atrracts us to other people. Learning to visualize and verbalize our sexuality takes time and practice. The result of such combined efforts can be very rewarding.
To be able to verbally communicate our sexual desires, we need to learn to:
In a movie I recently watched, a young boy asks a woman if there is truly a place on a woman that if touched made her crazy. The woman said "yes there was" and pointed to her heart. Since the 1960's Sexual Revolution, people have been less restricted about their sexuality. Why we even discovered that women (yes, nice women) could have orgasms. The down side to this revolution, was that women often, as men had before them, felt pressured into feeling they had to "perform" sexually. My youngest daughter, a youth of the 90's, approached me before she was sexually active. She told me her friends (males and females) were pressuring her to lose her virginity. I reminded her that her body belonged to her and she was the only one who should make that decision. I, of course, hoped she would find someone who touched her heart as well as her hormones. Hopefully in the future, when the double standard is truly gone and social and economic equality exist, men and women will have an easier time communicating sexuality honestly and openly.
As we get older we are reborn through our pleasurable experiences. We learn to enhance or sexual pleasure not only through our body, but also through the wisdom of our thoughts. We learn to share intimacies. We learn that sexual pleasures provide us with release to communicate with our inner selves as well as our partners. Sex with someone we love allows us an intimate connection. Sex with a new partner provides us with adventure.
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