diary of a soul, falling...

by

Emma - Louise Braiden

5/7/02 " Free-Spirit and i set up the the cover and tables for the stall- it looked amazing...she is a great friend."

6/7/02 "Then Free-Spirit rang, she didn't want to go home, so she came here."

7/7/02 "Annoyance - at myself for not being able to get over it and at Free-Spirit for her, her troubles, her parents, her situation, her imposing on my life."

9/7/02 "i am really enjoying Free-Spirt's company."

12/7/02 "She's very nervous about seeing her parents tomorrow. i don't blame her, i'd be too."

13/7/02 "She was crying when she got back. the poor thing, she has cried so much this last week..."

17/7/02 "Free-Spirit and i stayed up till 12:00 to see my 18th in. she gave me my prezzie."

20/7/02 " Then it dawned on me - jealousy. he was taking Free-Spirit away from me....we did shadow puppets to the light of the moon and both slept in the same bed. it was really nice. i am going to miss her when she goes."

21/7/02 " woke at 8am - Free-Spirit was rolling on me."

22/7/02 " And i don't want her to go. And when she does, i think it will take me quite a while to get back to normal..."

23/7/02 "We took a detour back, and as we we heading home an owl flew in front of the car and we hit it...we took it back and buried it."

24/7/02 "...i feel sort of bad cause she can only stay here for a bit longer. Mum is getting tired."

25/7/02 " Then Free-Spirit and i went shopping. we got some undies..."

28/7/02 "Oh-Ok, well...Slept in bed with him and Free-Spirit...it was an interesting and squishy experience...she felt a bit sick so i put my hand on her head to take away the illness..."

30/7/02 "Free-Spirit got back. she was a zombie. went to my room. she fell asleep. i started to clean..."

1/8/02 "Oh God, I'm going to miss her."

2/8/02 "i think she was just tired, but she was irritated by me today."

3/8/02 "I love her, but i don't know if it's sexual or just friendship love...when she goes it will probably be different...just watched her fall asleep, by her request...i miss her already and she'd just over there...in life however, there are no such guarentees. so i didn't, i put my hand to my mouth to stop something i might regret."

4/8/02 "i really feel like crying - but don't seem able to....it just feels so wrong going to bed by myself."

5/8/02 "she sounded very distant. i fear that i have lost her already...i have fallen in love with you. (god, how many times have you heard that now!)"

9/8/02 "I got a bit pissed off at Free-Spirit cause she just lay on my floor. i went and got the matress and blanket. then she asked me to get her two bags...i'm tired too you know..."

13/8/02 " and we kissed and it was so beautiful - in my dream...yes i will tell her, its only fair...she's supposed to stay the night, i don't know if she'll want to."

16/8/02 "She didn't freak, she didn't run. it was so normal...i do not have the same 'access' to her touch...i know her too well. i can predict her behaviour - but still cannot protect myself from it...it was like hugging a plank of wood."

17/08/02 " I cried. i cried my first tears for her...perhaps i let my guard down too much."

18/08/02 "she is an actions girl. just do it, if it feels good then thats a bonus...she teases and toys with your mind...this needs to end."

19/08/02 "I asked her what she would have done if i had touched her hand at the movies. she laughed and said she didn't know, and left it at that. she would have pulled away..."

30/08/02 " what an awesome day! all cause of Free-Spirit of course!... she actually gave me a hug...she can give really good hugs when she wants."

5/09/02 "...the only problem is that she has fed my hope...'it would just have to happen'...God, i don't know what to feel, what to think, what to do, what to say, how to act, how to treat her..."

6/09/02 " i still love her - but have less of that intense edge...i really think i need to let her go...lift my fingers off her life..."

9/09/02 "I need to find my balance between desperatly searching and not noticing when 'it' comes along..."

15/09/02 " realised that i do still miss Free-Spirit, it's still there after all this time."

18/10/02 " she told me that her parents had questioned her about my being gay...they can say what they want about me, but when dragging her into it...thats just rude"

20/10/02 " Free-Spirit ended up lying in my arms, and we both fell asleep that way. it was really really nice to be that close...i don't know if she is testing me consciously or not, but it definately seems like she is seeing just what i will do."

21/10/02 "its so awful falling in love with someone over and over again."

25/10/02 "she rolled into me during the night. it was so curious. she put her leg on my hip and snuggled her head into my side."

27/10/02 "she finds it hard to understand how some people can be so blind, yet she has her eyes closed too."

28/10/02 "i don't know what to make of her. i despise her for her cruelty - yet am inevitably drawn back to her energy."

29/10/02 "in that moment i hated her yet loved her all at once."

31/10/02 "Damn Free-Spirit, i need answers..."

1/11/02 "with Free-Spirit, really, you never know whats going to happen...i know nothing will ever come of this, but she is continually feeding my hope- thus i am continually hopefull...this is what i am asking of you free-Spirirt, i need you to take the step and put an end to my hope...i want to hear no if it is no, yes if it is yes. black and white."

4/11/02 " i asked her if it would be ok if we talked. so we went over the stuff i was dying to get out...stupid hope kept popping up and longingly wanting to hold her to me. gather her up in my arms."

5/11/02 " mum was telling me that she is worried i'm going to get hurt - i told her that its's inevitable."

6/11/02 " she said no "

NEXT?
Why don't you look at ‘Change! Thy name is Earth’
by: Satish Kakri
from: Mumbai, Maharashtra, India

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