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Teen Movie Critic

Caligula

by

Roger Davidson

Caligula
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I've searched over the years for a movie that is the worst peace of trash ever to be brought before your eyes. I thought I found it when I saw Showgirls. I thought I found it when I saw the works of Ed Wood. But at least those were laughably bad. No, I'd have to say that this notorious $15 million porn flick-which is supposedly about the life of the brutal Roman Emperor (Malcolm McDowell!!!)-is without a doubt the sleaziest eyesore (and earsore for that matter) ever to dare call itself a motion picture.

It may have cost millions of dollars, but it certainly didn't go to good production values or fine acting. The costumes look as if they were all bought at a second-hand store; The cinematography looks as if mud was splashed all over the lens; The music score is abominably out of place here; The screenplay by Gore Vidal (Vidal for Christ sakes!!!) is recklessly scattershot; And the dialogue is mind-boggelingly dumb, not to mention badly dubbed. What is most sad is how such talents as McDowell (A Clockwork Orange), Helen Mirren, John Gielgud (looking as if he'd like to be anywhere else but in this movie) and Peter O'Toole got themselves mixed up in this debacle.

It may or may not shock you to know that the version I saw (there are other versions unfortunately) was the uncut, X-rated, 156 minute, hard-core film. Knowing some of the biased minds out there, some would probably think I was supposed to enjoy this. This is most sincerely not the case! Even the most avid fans of X-rated movies will be rightfully repelled, mostly by the endless series of decapitations and castrations. When you see this movie, you will probably do one of the following batch of choices. (a) Fall asleep, considering the monstrous length (for this type of picture). (b) Turn off the video after the first ten minutes in disgust. Or (c) Patiently wallow through two and a half hours of filth (as I did), coming out badly fazed for the next two months or so. Of course there is always my favorite choice, after you listen to reviews like this. (d) Skip it! I can understand if you want to see this film out of curiosity. You have every right to be curious, what with all the hoopla centered around this. But for those of you who think your going to get an entertaining experience out of this, simply because of several scenes of nudity and orgies, then prepare yourself. You're about to slam into the wall of reality.

My Rating = One Star


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