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Piranha 3DD


Jeff Nelson

Piranha 3DD is an absolute waste of time, even as a rental.

Piranha 3DD
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In Summer 2010, Piranha 3D was released. I found it to be a fun cheese fest with a lot of entertaining carnage. Once the inevitable sequel was announced, I was excited to have some of the same summer fun that I had with the first one. Well, the title Piranha 3DD explains the movie perfectly. There's a lot of nudity in the first film, but it had a lot of gore and tacky fun that kept audiences hooked. Well, this sequel takes a completely different perspective on it. Given the fact that the writers who penned Saw IV, V, VI, and VII wrote this sequel, I expected something even more gruesome and possibly even a slightly darker take on the story. Instead, it takes the comedic aspects of the first and amplifies the humor and nudity, yet allows the violence and the fun to be shoved out of the way. I'm not surprised that Dimension Films released this in extremely limited release and primarily provided the film over video-on-demand.

A hungry pack of piranhas escape from a water source into a water park's opening day. Once the park fills with people, it's far too late to stop the carnivorous fish from scoring an entire park full of food. The idea to move the piranhas to a water park was a concept that made me skeptical from the start. I would have preferred for these fish to hunt elsewhere in a large body of water. However, there are some scenarios that could have given Piranha 3DD a claustrophobic atmosphere, although that's never utilized. Instead, the opening of the water park isn't until the final moments of the flick. The ending of the first one made me excited to see these fully-grown piranhas in action, but they aren't anywhere to be found in this film. The majority of the movie follows characters around the water source getting picked off one by one. If you thought that the characters were stupid in the first flick, then you're in for a real treat here. These are some of the dumbest characters written for a film. As the piranha 'plot' is running along, there's an underdeveloped romantic sub-plot here. This is introduced in the first few moments of the feature, it isn't addressed much at all throughout, and then it attempts to make-up for it within the final few seconds of the flick. It feels incredibly forced and it shouldn't have even been there to begin with.

It's been previously mentioned that this is primarily a comedy, which is completely true. While Piranha 3D is more of a horror flick with comedy elements, the sequel is much more of a comedy and dropped everything that made the first one a horror movie. It just so happens that this is more violent than your average comedy. This feels like one of the biggest rush jobs. Piranha 3DD runs barely over 80 minutes, not even reaching an hour and a half, yet it manages to feel so much longer. The film drags along for almost the entire running time. I could manage with a script that ended up being "so bad it's funny," but it's not. This is just bad. I don't care about having relatable characters, but it's inexcusable that everything that made Piranha 3D so much fun was dropped for the sequel. The ending is so ridiculous that I couldn't help but bury my face in my hands and ask myself why I wasted the money to see this.

I can see it now, a large amount of wannabe actors attempting to get a role in this. No self-respecting actor would pick this up after reading the dialogue they would need to speak. Danielle Panabaker was fine in the remake of Friday the 13th, and she's fine here. Given the dialogue, she isn't as horrible as some other members of the cast. Fortunately, the cast understands that this wasn't meant to be taken seriously, so they performed accordingly. The rest of the cast is filled with a bunch of no-names, with a few exceptions. These are David Koechner, David Hasselhoff, and Christopher Lloyd. Koechner and Lloyd are enjoyable, as they usually are, although they have such a small amount of screen time that it doesn't even matter. Hasselhoff plays himself, but has a few of the only funny jokes to be found in this flick. For those wondering, there are three characters that return from the remake. As expected, they also have extremely small roles here that they aren't anything to be excited about. The performances range from absolute garbage to simply mediocre, then again, who cares about the acting for a flick such as this? Not me.

Despite the fact that some audiences complained about the CG fish and other effects seen in Piranha 3D, I thought that they were fine. However, Piranha 3DD makes you truly miss the visuals in the first one. I watched this on-demand in 2D, although the film was natively shot in 3D, unlike the first one. Watching it in 2D, you can tell that there's a lot of gimmick shots aimed to shoot out towards the audience. The technology should be used to create depth, not just have objects fly out towards us. The piranhas themselves look extremely different from the first one. I prefer the CG ones seen in the previous flick to these. Now, to make onto the carnage. This is one of the primary reasons why people even want to see these movies. Piranha 3DD is violent, but not nearly as gory as the remake. As mentioned, a lot of the horror elements are gone, along with the extreme amount of gore. There's a lot of nudity though. Straight men looking to see a lot of naked women are sure to be pleased with this sequel, as the majority of this film is filled with naked women swimming and running.

I bet you're sitting there surprised with how much I tore this movie a new one. Piranha 3D isn't even close to perfect, but it's just a fun flick that knows exactly what it is. Piranha 3DD took everything that I enjoyed about the remake and removed it. Is all that's left is nudity and a horrible sub-plot of the relationship between the two main characters. This could have been a fun guilty pleasure, but it fails at almost everything it attempts to do. It seems to be confused with what type of flick this is supposed to be. While it's supposed to have comedic elements placed within, since it's meant to be cheesy, it isn't supposed to be the entire film. The roots of the original and the remake are horror mixed with B-movie cheese. There are some movies that are extremely fun to watch due to the fact that they're so bad. This isn't the case, it's not only bad, but it drags for the entire running time and never seems to get up and running. It ditched one of the most exciting plot developments leading to the sequel, which was the adult piranha. There are a lot more baby piranhas and not even one adult one. Hopefully Dimension Films ends it here, since the next sequel has been set up for the piranhas to be able to walk on land. Piranha 3DD is an absolute waste of time, even as a rental.

My Rating = One Star

Next movie: The Woman in Black
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