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Teen Movie Critic - IV

Halloween

by

Jackson Newsome

...doesn't have an ounce of quality...

Halloween
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After reading all of the terrible reviews for Halloween, I was more than nervous. The film started and within the first ten minutes I realized something. I HATE THIS MOVIE. That is an odd thing coming from me. I have all eight of the previous films and I still watch them on a frequent basis. Sure, they've declined in quality over the years, but this doesn't have an ounce of quality. Rob Zombie destroyed a classic and I'm not so sure I will be purchasing this remake.

Halloween begins with Michael's childhood. For around forty-five minutes you are confined to you chair listening to his trailer park trash parents talk and his sister have sex with anyone who will let her. After the extreme abuse and numerous sex scenes, Michael kills everyone in his family except his mother (who was at work...she's a stripper...) and baby sister, Laurie. He is locked up in a insane asylum for fifteen years with frequent visits from Dr. Samuel Loomis (McDowell). During Michael's transport he kills everyone in his path and escapes to Haddonfield. With no conscience, he kills anyone who gets in his way so that he can finally finish off his family massacre.

If you have ever watch any of Zombie's previous attempts at film, you will have a pretty good idea of what to expect. There is only one woman that doesn't die while having sex, and that is because he gets to her husband first. I can say only one good this about this film. Rob actually tried to give Michael's infamous mask a back story. Actually, he "tried" to give Michael's messed up head a story too. Oh, and don't expect to find a respectable Laurie Strode. No, they thought it would be more fun if she was a clueless slut. McDowell didn't do a terrible job. He was actually one of the better things about it, but no one will ever replace Donald Pleasance. Only the shallow will be able to enjoy this.

My Rating = One Half of One Star


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