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The first time the subject was broached, it was by Mary, my first wife. We had taken in the mistress of a doctor friend of ours who was pregnant with his child, to help her through the delivery. The doctor was already married and had several children, so we were "helping out" both of them. I will discuss my relationship with him at another time.

One day Mary asked me if I had ever considered having two wives. Startled by the question I mumbled something to the effect of "Sure...I guess...in my fantasies..."

At the time, I was still in graduate school and had just begun my career with Honeywell as a research scientist (see Great leader or war criminal?). Jessica, the fifth child that Mary bore had just been born and Mary had decided she wanted no more...at least if she had to bear them. Still under thirty, she was realizing (as I was not) what a heavy toll childbearing exacts from a woman's body. Also, rearing five young children...Jill, the oldest, was barely 7 years old when Jessica was born...is itself a major task. Even though my new position allowed us to purchase all the latest and greatest labor saving devices, caring for five children is a dawn to dusk task. Mary wanted...no NEEDED...help. Engaged as I was, also from dawn to dusk, with earning a living...I still taught at the University of Minnesota for several years after starting my job with Honeywell...I had very little time to pitch in and help, besides, as I have pointed out in How to be an asshole: Lesson #1, I really did not yet appreciate the joys of child rearing.

So she asked me, "Why don't you take Lottie...," the young woman living with us who about to have her first child, "...as your second wife?" Mary had already discovered that she really loved Lottie (born Charlotte Hyland), that in many ways they were soul-sisters. Lottie was intelligent, had a wonderful sense of humor, a gift of gab and, most importantly, was an extremely hard worker. In return for our sheltering her, she had already pitched in helping Mary in her daily tasks, something that Mary found nearly priceless...a real gift from the gods...that more than made up for any inconvenience of having an extra person around. Lottie got up with Mary in the morning and helped her get the kids off to school. She changed diapers, did dirty dishes and clothes and generally helped with housework. She was even learning to cook...although I remember that her first efforts were less than palatable.

I don't remember whether Mary had already discussed this issue with Lottie, but I found myself flabbergasted by the subject. I really hadn't thought much about extra-marital associations with women, sexual or otherwise, since my negative experiences as an undergraduate. I also really liked Lottie and appreciated having her around. She was almost always cheerful and full of energy. But, I quickly realized that I was not "in love" with her...that I had not and could not consider "marrying" her.

So I told Mary that while I understood why she was contemplating such a drastic act, I was not ready for it. I associated, rightly or wrongly, marriage with love and passion, neither of which I had for Lottie. If I were ever to have a second wife, she would have to be someone that I had chosen and with whom Mary agreed, not the other way around. Now leaving aside the extremely sexist nature of this position, Mary really had no argument to counteract it.

Then I met Beejay...Barbara Jo Winnick. I ran into her the first time at a Red Nelson party. Red was a local character who fancied himself a gangster. He was actually a very charming intellectual who had engaged in some shady business in his early young adult years, but was mostly famous in the Minneapolis University community for giving fabulous "parties" in his residence, a three story apratment building with six apartments, near the University, called simply Red's Building. The "parties" were actually an after-hours bar business, by which he supported himself, but that is another story. Mary and I often attended these late night affairs...which began after the bars closed...on weekends when we could afford a baby sitter. Now that Lottie was living with us, we had more chances to get out at night.

So, at one of these bashes, I was introduced to Beejay and, while I noticed that she was a beautiful young woman with sparkling eyes and long curly dark brown hair, I didn't have a chance to talk with her or get to know her at all. But, I certainly noticed her.

A while later, when Mary and I were again out for the evening at a local bar, the Mixers, Beejay walked up to me, looked up into my face smiling her toothy smile...she had slightly buck teeth, a characteristic in women that, to this day I have always found extremely attractive...and said, "You don't remember me, do you?"

I smiled back and responded, "Oh, indeed I do. You are Barbara. Barbara of the flashing eyes. Barbara of the beautiful smile. Oh, yes, how I DO remember you."

I think it was that moment that I fell in love with Beejay and perhaps, she with me. Certainly I still vividly remember it as though it happened just yesterday. In any case, from that point on our destinies were intimately entwined.

Beejay shared one of the the apartments in Red's Building with another woman. I began to drop by to visit and chat with the two of them when I got an hour or two away from school during the day. It was clear to everybody who saw us together, including Mary, that we were fast becoming entranced with one another. Within a couple of weeks, we were having sex. Soon thereafter, I informed Mary that I definitely could consider "marrying" Barbara...that I was in love and in lust with her. Now our positions were reversed. I had "chosen" a woman and Mary had to decide whether or not she could tolerate living with her and me in consensual bigamy. She was definitely NOT in love with Beejay. Like Lottie, Barbara was also intelligent and had a good sense of humor. Also like Lottie, she was a great conversationalist. But, she was ten years younger than Mary and me and, unlike Lottie, had no desire to be a housewife or to have children.

At first, Mary adamantly refused to consider it. But, as time wore on and she realized that I was indeed deeply enamored of Beejay, she understood that she could not simply dismiss her out of hand. So, she began to make friends with her and soon found that she did really like her. As I was to discover somewhat later, she also learned a valuable lesson about "loving your jealousies." That if you find yourself profoundly jealous of someone, it is more than likely that you have a lot in common with that person...that very fact may be what is responsible for the threat you feel from him or her.

But, Beejay took the whole issue out of our hands. When I broached the subject to her, at first the thought of living in a menage a trois only marginally appealed to her. She was growing to like Mary very much and she and I were having excellent sexual relations, but it seemed a little too kinky. However, always one to try new things, she decided that the only way she could really tell was by living with the two of us for a while...so she moved in to our house with us.

This period of our courtship...now involving all three of us...was very turbulent. Beejay was introduced to the complexities of married life, especially life with a large family. Remember that Lottie was still living with us, with her young daughter Mame, who was just slightly older than Jessica. The kids liked Beejay and she them, but suddenly having six children (counting Mame) was definitely a new and different experience. All of us had some trouble adjusting to this new arrangement although I probably had the least. My mind was clouded with love and my ego was inflated. The days passed quickly, the nights melted one into the other as we spent endless hours together...sometimes making love...mostly just talking and getting to know one another.

Finally, Beejay decided that the situation was more than she could handle...that she was not ready for such a profound change in her life. So she decided, on the spur of the moment one day, to take off for Mexico with her old roomate from Red's Building, Cherolyn...and left, just like that.

I was deeply disappointed with this turn of events. Both of missed the long talk fests and wonderful evenings together, but I probably felt the loss most deeply. I knew that there was no way I could force the issue, no way I could convince Beejay to return before SHE decided it was right. She had left open the possiblity of rejoining us upon her return, but it was uncertain just how long that might take.

Then an event happened that was to change all our lives forever. Beejay had run into an American man in southern Mexico (Zihauteneho) and had started an affair with him. Shortly after they got together, they were arrested, the two men, Beejay and Cherolyn, by the Mexican authorities for possession of marijuana and thrown in prison.

This event pitched me into deep depression. But it also gave me a cause. Calling in some old political markers, I got the US State Department involved, since it was clear that the Mexican "authorities" were engaging in some good old fashioned extortion, trying to extract some thousands of dollars to get Beejay and friends released. Unfortunately, Beejay's parents and older brother, an attorney, having also heard of her plight, got involved in "negotiating" her release before my contacts could get her sprung, so they backed off and refused to interfere futher due to international relations concerns. If Beejay's relatives had held off for a just a few more days, we could probably have gotten her released. As it was, the haggling dragged on for months. In case you had any doubts, the amount of money to change hadns was the issue.

During this time I was nearly frantic, thinking and talking about little else. Mary decided that perhaps what we needed was a another third party in our marriage and introduced me to Bob Stein, a young man with whom she had started an affair during my obsession with Beejay's incarceration. A very lovable young man...Barbara's age...Bob and I got along right from the beginning. There were problems with our difference in age and maturity...he, like Barbara, was hardly ready to step into such a large family. But, he moved in and soon we were spending our evenings with Bob much as we had with Beejay, talking and fucking. He and Mary were very compatible sexually and, in many ways, it was easier for me to get it on with a woman and another man than it was with two women. It was far less "demanding" on both my stamina and my ego. I never quite got over the feeling with Barbara and Mary that I wasn't quite up to the task of bigamy, but I will deal with that subject in more detail in a later column. Suffice to say for now, that while it was easy in those days, before the advent of the women's liberation movement, for one strong man to dominate one strong woman, there was NO WAY for me to dominate the two of them together.

The menage a trois with Bob eventually petered out. He too decided that however interesting and exciting the arrangement was, he simply was not ready for a "serious commitment" quite yet.

About the same time, Barbara and Cherolyn were released and returned home to Minneapolis and both moved into our home with us, which was rapidly becoming a hippie commune, before such things were popular. Barbara was still uncertain that she wanted to be "married" to us, but she and Mary and I nevertheless quickly resumed our previous habits. A man had moved in with Lottie named Michael...who was to stay with us for many moons...so, with Cherolyn also living there, our family was getting huge anyway and affair among the three of us were no longer so central. Or rather, while it was still central, it no longer dominated the day to day activities so heavily.

In short order, and after a couple of shared LSD trips, Beejay finally decided to "marry" us. Of course, we did not go through any kind of formal ceremony and surely did not "register" it with the state. Nothing but our word held us together, but we were to stay more or less together (with various combinations of separations) for almost nine years. But, the fun was just beginning...

See you tomorrow...

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