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During the late sixties, I found myself living in a hippy commune in Oregon. Since I was one of the older folks (in my early thirties) at the commune, the younger members often looked to me for advice. When it came to counsel on how to deal with property taxes or where to get the best deal on power tools, this was a rational decision. My knowledge and experience on the day-to-day details of maintaining a household were usually quite useful. However, it quickly became obvious that I was also being seen as a guru. By "guru," I mean an utterer of infallible opinions and ultrawise aphorisms about how to lead one's life.

Whenever someone made noises to the effect that I was his/her guru, I would respond something like, "If you regard me as your guru, you deserve whatever tragedy eventually befalls you." This usually didn't help. People seeking gurus are hard to discourage. So they would just regard such pronouncements, which I meant quite literally, as some sort of cryptic master-student verity that required deep contemplation to understand. Today I would just say, "Get a life, Kid!" and be much more likely to be understood.

So, just what is wrong with listening carefully and respectfully to the words of those whom you regard as wiser than you? Have I never had someone whose opinions I regarded with reverent affection? Oh yes, indeed I have! But, it seems that each time I took the master-student relationship too seriously, the master involved would step on my reverence like a little kid stomping an ant!

ITEM: When I was 14 years old, I became enamored with a particularly smooth talking protestant minister. We became friends and he became my main adviser on growing up. One Easter, I was being prepped to give the sunrise sermon (as a guest preacher). At one of the practice sessions, I decided to ask him about an issue that had been puzzling me. I was dating a girl of the Roman Catholic faith. She and I used to spend hours discussing what were to me the exotic practices and beliefs of her church. So I asked my advisor, "What makes Catholics believe what they do?"

I was expecting a discourse on the origins and history of the Roman Catholic Church. What he actually replied was, "Because they are all so very, very stupid!"

ITEM: Another of my idols when I was a youth, was Albert Einstein. I wanted nothing more than to grow up to be a theoretical physicist and do ground-breaking work like he did. Then one day, while learning about quantum mechanics, I also learned that Einstein had dismissed this modern discipline on the grounds that, "God would not play dice with the universe." Today, that sentiment looks merely silly, in the face of the findings of chaos theory. But then, it just seemed to me to be a simple prejudice.

ITEM: As an adult fugitive, fleeing the FBI, I came in contact with my last guru candidate. I was, at the time, still profoundly frightened by my circumstances. His humor and wisdom constantly helped me to deal with the deep uncertainties in my life. Then, one day when we were alone talking about the ways of the world, he gave me an almost unbelievable pitch for Zionism. (Some of my ancestors were Jewish.) The gist of the promotion revolved around the biblical pronouncements that the Jews are God's chosen people. Not only are Jews superior to others, he advised, but "we" are destined to rule the world. Hadn't I noticed, he asked, that Jews always seem to be smarter and more capable than non-Jews? Of course, we will be benevolent leaders. Peace and tranquility will prevail.

Enough said about the origins of my cynicism about gurus. Why, then, do I write this column, if I do not want people to regard me as a wise man? The answer turns out to be quite simple. These columns are based upon two simple principles, the same ones that guide my life:

1. Freedom is good.
2. Life's a bitch and then you die.

Talk to you later...

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