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Lost in the hoopla over the close outcomes in Florida, New Mexico and other states was the fact that third parties gleaned about four million votes this year. Those who cast their votes in this manner, can rightly claim that it was not THEY who wasted THEIR votes, but the 97,000,000 voters who cast their votes for the Grand Duke or the Crown Prince. Except for the Bush-o-phobes or the Gore-o-phobes who still clamor for a "democratic outcome" (read: their candidate MUST win), what person who held his or her nose and voted for one of the Royalty can feel anything but unclean after contributing to this ghastly electoral fiasco?
As the days drag on and the confusion mounts, it is difficult to suggest solutions that are actually more bizarre than what is actually happening. But, we decided to try.
For example, why not hold a re-vote in Palm Beach County in Florida, with the ballots written in Hebrew and prominent swastikas placed next to Patrick Buchanan's name? In addition, anyone who could not beat Ronald Reagan, Bob Hope or Strom Thurmond at Trival Pursuit would not be allowed to vote at all.
Barring a re-vote, we could bring in a battery of unemployed psychic hot-line experts to devine "voter intent" in the hundreds of thousands of ballots that were rejected for one reason or another. Holding the ballots to their foreheads, the mystics could decide, with a two out of three majority required, to decide which person the voter REALLY meant to choose when he or she chose two (or more) different candidates.
Or how about this? In heavily Demidupe states, all decisions about disputed ballots could be made by Reform Party judges while in Pooblioob districts Naderites would prevail. Ballots cast for third party candidates would be decided by coin flips or dice throws.
But, we are neglecting the interests of the international community. Election judges could be drawn from the defeated PRI Party in Mexico or the cast-out Socialist Party in Yugoslavia, undisputed experts on election fraud and corruption. Jesse Jackson could call for United Nations troops from Africa to guard the ballot boxes in disputed African American districts. Protesters of the outcome could be shot on sight (or is it "site?"). Israeli gunships and tanks could insure that democracy prevails in Florida as it does on the West Bank.
Meanwhile, Pooblioob spokespersons like the ever stimulating James Baker or Demidupe notable Warren Christopher...both former Secretaries of State with impeccable records of impartial mediocrity...could stage a non-stop debate on national television...hosted by all the networks...which, if it could not be settled in 72 hours...or, if all the judges fell asleep...would be decided by a duel, with a flip of the coin deciding who chooses the weapons and Bore and Gush serving as seconds.
Perhaps Fox Mulder could be prevailed upon to get those ever-so-clever aliens to land their elusive space ships and tell us where it's at...galactically speaking. Who better to decide which asshole to place in the White House than the indomitable anal probers?
No fewer than 88% of voters are said to favor a massive gladiatorial contest...a slam-down fight to the death...involving only lawyers. Jesse Ventura, the Rock and Goldberg have agreed to referee to insure impartiality and the World Wrestling Federation would host it. Ticket Master is already printing tickets because, after all, we have only until January 21st to settle this. Oh, by the way, the 12% of voters who dissented consisted almost entirely of lawyers, although 92% of their mates were in the majority.
But, alas, since this is a constitutional republic, the election will almost certainly be decided on December 18th by the Electoral College, no matter what happens in the various disputes leading up to that event. Thus, we have decided to start a Web site where interested parties can bid in an open auction for the votes of the electors. Bids start at one million dollars and the bidding will go on until midnight, December 17th.
But, hey, as we write this, it is Sunday afternoon. Football anyone?
Talk to you later...
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