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How Can You Laugh at a Time Like This?

Gypsy & Willy

No. 250

Bold Strokes

December 6, 1999

Recently, Donald Trump made an astonishing proposal. He suggested that if each taxpayer with a net worth of over a million dollars were to pay a one-time tax of 14.5%, the ENTIRE national debt of over six trillion dollars could be paid off in one fell swoop! What was most astonishing to us about this suggestion was that Trump himself, by his own calculation of his net worth at five billion dollars, would be eligible for a 725 MILLION dollar payment! This, despite the fact that Fortune magazine estimates that Trump is "only" worth a billion five!

Now, there is a lot of trouble with this suggestion, but it certainly fits the definition of a bold political stroke. Still, as we approach the beginning of the Third Millennium, we think that such imaginative suggestions are an extremely important tool for politicians aspiring to high office. Voters are completely turned off by the same old same-old, as measured by voter participation...at an all-time low...and by interviews with the "average" eligible adult. So, in the sense of this observation, we advance a few of OUR favorite imaginative approaches to national politics.

The Siberian Purchase

In the early years of the nineteenth century, while Europe was preparing for the coming Napoleonic wars, France obtained the Louisiana Territory from Spain. President Jefferson, fearful of what might happen with such a huge expanse of North America in the hands of the obviously ambitious Napoleon, dispatched Robert Livingstone and James Monroe in 1803 to attempt to purchase New Orleans from France. To their surprise, Napoleon offered to sell the whole territory, 800,000 square miles of it, for 15 million dollars. Immediately recognizing this for the "steal" that it was, the U.S. instantly agreed and our total expanse was immediately doubled. The hidden agenda of Napoleon was, of course, to accumulate resources for his intended conquest of Europe and Russia. He needed money a lot more than a distant, mostly unexplored, domain in the New World.

Today, Russia finds itself in a profound economic depression following the collapse of the Soviet Union. Russia sorely needs development funds, but its credit rating is approximately zilch. Unlike Patrick Buchanan, we celebrate the imperial ambitions of the United States. Like Jefferson, but unlike Napoleon, we feel the American Way is to BUY land rather than conquer it.

So, why not offer to buy Siberia? We really don't know how much it is worth...but "plenty" is a good estimate. Suppose we were to offer 1.5 TRILLION dollars, paid over a decade. Figure another trillion five to develop the transportation and communications infrastructure of Siberia over the same period. This would give Russia much needed development capital and the riches of Siberia would most likely return the entire sum to us, via taxes and fees, in a couple of decades.

But, there would be more. It would immediately give the U.S. an Asian presence. We would gain borders with China, Mongolia, Kazakhstan and Russia while doubling our territory once again. The new land would be an enormous immigration magnet...always a vibrant portion of the American experience...since it would re-establish a Frontier with boundless possibilities. Just the extent to which it would involve the attention of business and politics for the next century is mind boggling...keeping them out of other mischief, like "humanitarian" wars.

Oh, one other thing. If global warming is responsible for the changes we are experiencing here in the northlands of Minnesota, then global warming has been "beddy, beddy good to us!" One could expect similar changes in Siberia, vastly enlarging the growing season in this enormous land...and offering many new opportunities for food production.

Free the Slaves!

A second bold stroke would be to end the War on Drugs...along the line of Arizona initiative that legalizes...and controls...ALL drugs. As reparations to the hundreds of thousands of non-violent drug offenders now imprisoned or on probation or parole, use the funds thus freed-up to pay for a GI-Bill style program to educate or train those men and women for productive...and legal...professions. Given that ending the War on Drugs would necessarily involve a profound admission of error by the powers-that-be...indeed, this may be the MAIN reason why so few people in power are speaking out...this solution is only fair.

This would almost immediately alleviate our shortage of native high-tech workers. As Willy found out first-hand, incarcerated persons tend to be both very intelligent and very poorly educated at the same time, especially prisoners from minority populations. Since very few additional "workers" would be needed to service the now-legal drug industry...some marijuana farmers and a few clerks...this population would provide a good source of manpower for other professions in dire need of more labor.

It would also alleviate the pressure to admit more immigrants...already a very potent political issue in many parts of the U.S. and much of the source of Pat Buchanan's appeal to voters.

While our political whores pontificate endlessly about the use of "slave labor" in other countries, especially China, we have a dirty secret of our own. Almost all of the people locked up in American prisons are forced to work for little or no compensation...when Willy was locked up in federal prison during the seventies, the starting wage in Federal Prison Industries was 11 CENTS an hour.

Meanwhile, U.S. governmental agencies spent $7 billion a year over the last decade building new prisons; more people work full-time in the prison industry than in any Fortune 500 company except GM; the prison population is rising 7% annually; two-thirds of all people entering prison are sentenced for non-violent offenses. Our "slave" force is getting embarrassingly large! And, of course, as almost everyone knows, a year of incarceration costs more than a year of schooling at Harvard.

By any measure, this bold stroke would vastly improve our nation's mental and material health.

More Spooks, Fewer Kooks!

No doubt that the U.S.'s ability to wage "painless" warfare...that is, wars without casualties to the "good guys," like the recent Yugoslav/Kosova adventure...or our continuing campaign against the children of Iraq...is humongous. Spending only a billion dollars a day or so, we were able to knock out a huge portion of the Yugoslav infrastructure while damaging tens of tanks and artillery emplacements. That is, while we made complete asses of ourselves bombing the Chinese embassy and other choice...but helpless...targets, we barely ruffled the feathers of the Serbian forces doing their thing in Kosova. Milosevic "surrendered" but what exactly did we or the world gain? We and our foolish European allies are now expensively bogged down trying to keep the Albanian Kosovars from wreaking vengeance on the remaining Serbian residents. Meanwhile, our efforts increased the refugee population of the region by leaps and bounds.

Swell!

Here we completely agree with Pat Buchanan's foreign policy proposals. More than a half century has passed since the end of World War II. Yet we still have massive and expensive forces "patrolling" Germany and Japan. Nearly a half century has also failed to extract us from the Korean peninsula. So, we agree with Pat that it is time to bring ALL those men and women home. We further agree that the military's proposed strategy of fighting two simultaneous wars is madness. Given our penchant for expending missiles like M & M's and building unwanted and unnecessary warships and aircraft, it is time to reign in the military/industrial cabal, that Dwight Eisenhower warned us about so long ago, before they lead us into REALLY expensive endeavors...both in terms of money and national honor.

Most observers predict that the next century will be dominated by terrorist actions and information warfare. So why maintain huge armies and navies of "conventionally" armed personnel?

It makes far more sense to take the majority of the money we now spend foolishly and put it into the CIA and NSA. But, we're not talking about the CIA and NSA of the past, with all their dirty tricks and black operations. Instead, we need a vastly enlarged information gathering apparatus that not only obtains the information, but which openly PUBLISHES it as well. We feel that such "cleaned-up" agencies would enlist both the support and cooperation of the U.S. population, not to mention people in the rest of the world who now detest them...AND us. Is there really any other way of realistically combatting terrorism? Can intelligence agencies escape the inexorable pressure toward honesty and openness engendered by the Net?

In any case, we fear the alternatives: that is, a world increasingly dominated by terrorist actions against the most vulnerable...i.e. free and advanced nations; a world where Saddams and Slobodans can easily manipulate us to advance their personal agendas; a world where more and more treasure is expended trying to maintain outmoded systems of "defense."

Better Bold Strokes than Lame Jokes

So, we strongly suggest that all those wanabes seeking the U.S. Presidency begin to use their imaginations instead of their money to seek support. As we have said before, you only need lots of money for political campaigns if you are peddling bullshit. Perhaps the suggestions we have made are a bit too radical for the times. But, maybe not. In any case, we would rather be discussing ideas like those above, than listen to late-night comics telling endless lame jokes about how boring or stupid or ridiculous the current crop of bozos is.

Talk to you later...

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