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Last week, in a daring stroke, the House of Representatives and Senate rushed through a bill to outlaw masturbation. President Bush immediately signed the bill, despite rumors that he personally had masturbated heavily during his youth. "Boys will be boys!" he exclaimed...to raucous laughter in the press room...when a reporter asked him about the rumors.
You may also no longer have to put up with slang references to this revolting practice on TV shows like "The Man Show." Terms like "spanking the monkey," "cooking the coozy," "choking the chicken," "petting the pussy," etc. may no longer be heard...since Congress, in its wisdom, is poised to outlaw any mention of these terms in any medium. The ACLU immediately brought suit, but the new Bush court refused to reverse this law based on first amendment considerations. Justices Clarence Thomas and Anthony Scalia dissented, on the grounds that the founding fathers had said nothing whatsoever about masturbation in our constitution, but they were out-voted by the new "golden conservatives" on the Court. Newly confirmed Justice William Bennett said, "There are some things that God does not want said aloud!"
The reasons for outlawing this repellent practice were many. Among the most often quoted are:
Bush himself, in a speech to the nation, compared the outlawing of masturbation to the historic War on Drugs and called for Congress to allocate fourteen billion dollars for enforcement purposes. He also urged the American people to get behind its leaders stating, "This is a glorious day in U.S. history. We can only hope that our neighbors in Canada and Panama follow our lead. This law will empowerize those who still believe in Christian moralisticism."
There is some dissent. A group of Californians has said on the record that they believe that masturbation should be allowed for the terminally ill, on the grounds that the pleasure provided will ease their path into eternity. Former Drug Czar Gen. Barry McCaffery countered with "What kind of a message is THAT to send to our children?"
But, how are we to prevent our children from engaging in this disgusting practice? The Multifaith Institute for Moral Visions recommends handcuffing children with their arms behind their back when putting them to bed. No-hands onanism might still be a problem...known on the streets as "humping the pillow"...so you may also need to use restraints to keep children from rolling over on to their stomachs.
When they get a little older, you can take them out into the woods shooting rabbits and squirrels. The first time they see the blood and brains gushing from a well aimed head shot, they will sublimate their sexual desires and turn to what we all know to be the healthier activity of hunting and killing. Along those lines, the military draft should be reinstated so that young unmarried adults will have other outlets for their animal urges.
Whatever you do, do not mention a word of this...EVER...in public again. Congress already has a law under consideration that would criminalize this very column, despite our favorable treatment of the subject. A word to the wise...
Talk to you later...
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